Mark Watson the Comedian

Bournemouth

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[ Friday, 29 June 2012; ]

Tring

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[ Saturday, 21 July 2012; ] Tring Comedy Festival

Islington

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[ Friday, 27 July 2012; ] Pleasance Studio

Maidenhead

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[ Wednesday, 11 July 2012; ] Courtyard Theatre

Islington

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[ Tuesday, 26 June 2012; ] Pleasance Studio

Judgement

Mark Watson — Tue, 15 May 2012 18:12:41 +0000

A brief note to let you know that I have become a judge. Not a High Court judge; the qualification process was a bit too long-winded and I’m not sure where you go about getting a wig. But the next best type of judge: the judge of a book prize.

The prize is the Costa Book Award, once known as the Whitbread, and one of the better-known literary ‘competitions’ out there. I will be helping to crown the Best First Novel, along with Janet Ellis (from Blue Peter, yes) and Alison Flood (from the Observer; both of them are also found in everyday life). To do this, I have to pick a very short shortlist from an enormous barrel of books which I’ll be endeavouring to read over the summer.

I think you’ll agree that for someone like me who has a history of taking on too much and becoming overwhelmed by workload, this sort of thing is absolutely ideal.

But it was too great an honour to turn down. I look forward to turning my furious judgement upon all words offered up to me. My particular wrath will be saved for any books which are similar to the sort of thing I’d write, but better. Those are going DOWN. I mean, those will be judged with the same impartiality I shall also bring to bear upon other parts of the process.

The book I wrote recently – The Knot – is out in the last week of August, I may as well take the opportunity to remind you. Someone will, in turn, be judging that, and someone judging them, and so on up to God or whoever you believe is the ultimate winner of these things.

London Prepares

Mark Watson — Thu, 10 May 2012 10:34:01 +0000

Last week I went to one of the London Prepares events. These were a little series of mini-Olympic-style sporting contests put on at the Olympic Park, as a dry run for the rather large-scale business that will unfold there in July. The name ‘London prepares’ and the probable sentiment behind the event – ‘we’d better make sure this isn’t shit before we show everyone’ – suggests a British diffidence which I think is quite attractive. If there’s one thing you associate with British occasions in general, it’s low-level and rather charming incompetence rather than flashness. However, this underdog mentality is struggling to surface at the moment: as the Games approach, there’s more and more bullishness in the air. I’ve lost count of the number of times I have heard David Cameron, or his floppy-haired quasi-colleague Boris, or Lord Coe or someone else talk about staging the ‘best Olympics ever’. An editorial in ‘The Times’ yesterday fancifully suggested that London is ‘the centre of the world’ at the moment, because of the Games and the Jubilee and the fact Dustin Hoffman saved someone’s life earlier this week in a park. LOOK AT US! London is screaming at everyone. WE MIGHT ALL MOAN CONSTANTLY BUT WE’RE ACTUALLY FUCKING AMAZING!
Now, this is all to be expected and even encouraged. You wouldn’t want the organisers to be saying ‘we reckon this is going to be in the top ten Olympics since the war. Not as good as Sydney, but, yeah, pretty much fine.’ You’d be surprised if the Mayor of London was issuing statements like ‘London isn’t quite ready for the world, but to hell with it, we’ll shove everyone in some sort of accommodation’. All the same, if we’re going to talk the talk for the next few months, we need to make sure London really does deliver on its confident promises. With this in mind I’m going to offer some feedback to the Olympic organisers. I’m not doing this to take the piss, but because if it really is about ‘preparing’, then maybe lessons can be learned and implemented. Whereas, if I were moaning during the Olympics itself, I would just be one of these tedious dicks who are so fashionably cynical that they can’t let themselves get excited. And London’s got plenty of those. So: constructive criticism.
The event we went to, by the way, was hockey, not a particularly popular sport here, and there was a certain half-arsedness about the competition itself, as there always is about tournaments which are only there for practice. Nonetheless about 8,000 people hauled their arses over to Stratford for the evening we went to, and they made a lot of noise. This straight away signals one of the areas in which London can indeed be a memorable Olympics. The appetite for sport here beats Beijing or Athens or Atlanta pretty easily (not Sydney, admittedly, but still). We are great sport-watchers and we will fill the hell out of Olympic events which have gone little-watched in previous Games. So that’s very good. And quite right too because sport is great. However, there are some organisational points that need working on fairly urgently if this eager fanbase isn’t to be disappointed.
REFRESHMENT HELL – the catering was, in the British tradition, absolutely disastrous. My bro and I joined a queue at 6.40 with the modest aim of buying two hot dogs. At 7.30, as the sound of the national anthems rose from the stadium, we were still there. In fact by the time we made it back with our (comically overpriced) dinner, Britain were 2-0 up on India and the contest was effectively over. Over the final 20 minutes of queueing, people from the parallel lines started to chat in that world-weary way Brits have when confronted by unbelievably long waits. ‘Could’ve gone home for dinner and come back!’ ‘When I started queueing, the stadium hadn’t been built yet!’ ‘An hour for a cup of tea, not bad!’ But even these people – people like one’s parents, with their anoraks and good-humoured despair, the people who populate Britain’s many queues – were thoroughly miserable and pissed off by the end. I dread to think what visitors from overseas would make of this. At a sporting event in Australia or the USA or Germany (and I’m speaking from experience), if you had to queue 50 minutes for a sausage, the stadium would be demolished and rebuilt more efficiently before nightfall.
The main way this can be remedied is – call me a genius, but – loads more refreshment stalls. This was just one, not even full, hockey stadium; the demand during the actual Games is going to be astronomical. A stadium like Wembley has so many snack bars you can hardly move, because it’s designed for football where you get 15 minutes half time and that’s it. The Olympics may be more leisurely in format, but people will get just as annoyed if they can’t eat. At the same time as the food queues snaked halfway to Paris, there were ‘merch’ stands almost completely empty of customers, because nobody wants to pay £25 for a cheaply-made pink hoodie with that logo on. If they want that, they’ll get it in one of the forty million Olympic shops around the country, or online. The Games organisers have got to get over their obsession with merchandising and concentrate on the need to feed. And while we’re on merchandise…
GOLD AGAINST THE SOUL – Now, we’re all aware that the Olympics has declined somewhat from a festival of sport and idealism into a vast money-making exercise. There is no point in even the biggest sporting purist (say, me) getting cross about the massive commercial interests at play in the Games, because if we did, we’d also have to get angry about the World Cup, and then all sports, arts, and basically we’d end up despairing of capitalist society altogether. We spend enough time doing that without letting it ruin the triple jump for us. So: OK, there will be logos everywhere, there will be a McDonald’s and a Coca-Cola emporium even though these brands evoke the opposite of health and sporting activity, you’ll struggle to move for advertising messages. But, for example, the food stands and ticket booths had signs that said, brazenly, ‘WE ARE PROUD TO ACCEPT ONLY VISA’. Really!? ‘Proud’ that thousands of people are going to inconvenienced because the world’s biggest sporting event is so nakedly in the pocket of a major sponsor? You may as well shut the tube and have signs at the airport saying ‘WE ARE PROUD TO FORCE YOU TO TAKE THE HEATHROW EXPRESS INTO TOWN’. Likewise, they gave out banners to kids to wave during the game, with slogans like ‘goal!!’; on the back was VISA. A quiz at half-time, for the entertainment of the crowd, was described as a ‘Visa quiz’. And so on. I’m not specifically having a go at Visa. Why, they’ve helped me buy all sorts of things online. I’m just gently reminding the organisers that a truly ‘great’ Olympics finds more graceful ways to bend to the necessities of commerce. This might sound grumpy but I do think it’s important. However propped up by big business, the Olympics is about sport and international cooperation. It isn’t about Visa. Not yet.
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? – I’m not going to win this battle, but there is a moronic trend for playing loud rubbish music any time something happens during a sports fixture. It’s a goal: quick, get ‘Moves Like Jagger’ ready! It’s a penalty corner: ‘Eye Of The Tiger!’ Someone scratches his bollocks: that’ll do, cue ‘California Girls’ by Katy Perry. The seeming thought behind this American-inspired habit is that if silence is allowed to fall for even a moment, the crowd simply won’t know what to do. In some Stateside sports like baseball, you can understand it, because the game goes on for hours with natural ebb and flow, so the crowd needs perking up. But if there’s one thing Britain can do, it’s cheer people on. We don’t need Maroon 5 to strong-arm us into cheering. In trying to spice up the atmosphere by piping in rent-an-anthem soundtracks, all you do is alienate the crowd from the game, by making it feel like some TV show you’re vaguely watching. The thrill of live sport is being part of a living, breathing thing. The crowd creates the atmosphere and can influence what happens out there. They lose that power if you drown them out with music. Please, I’m not saying don’t have the funny brass band playing ‘The Great Escape’ theme, I’m not even saying you can’t have SOME tunes to wind the crowd up, but don’t plaster it over everything. We’ll get behind the athletes without someone shouting ‘GET BEHIIIIIIIIND YOUR ATH-LEEEEETES!’ and putting Song 2 by Blur on a loop.
THE BLOODY WEATHER – Not much we can do about this, but any time Britain promises to stage ‘the best ever’ anything, it’s worth having the humility to recall that our weather, even in high summer, is very poor on a global scale. We might be lucky and have a couple of glorious weeks, but you wouldn’t like to bet on it. In some ways the coolness will be a plus for the competitors – you’d rather run 10,000 metres in London than Beijing any day – but it might be worth protecting the global visitors a bit. As it stands, the Olympic Park is pretty exposed, with a lot of lovely open space but a seeming lack of places to shelter. They need to look at somewhere like Wimbledon, which is built to accommodate the fact that people will spend half their day huddling somewhere. This is pretty easy to solve – you just need loads of tents. Of course, when people are in the stadium, it won’t be a problem; it’s just important to think about their whole experience. In the UK we tend to do Actual Events quite well, but fail to look after The Bits Before And After. Which brings me to my last point…
I’M A NORMAL PERSON, GET ME OUT OF HERE – We had a fair wait to get out at the end, because of the eight or so gates available, only one had been opened, and the spectators were bottlenecked around it like insects trying to crawl out of a jar. As we finally escaped, Lucy heard one of the stewards say ‘hey, actually, all these other gates open too’. The stewards are largely volunteers, as are many of the people who’ll make the Olympics work, so it’s not their fault – especially at this stage – but a LOT of thought needs to go into filling and emptying the site. People know the transport is going to be under strain; they’re expecting a certain amount of chaos getting there; but once they are there, they shouldn’t have to stand around any more than is really necessary.
OK good. Well, all this will come in handy when finally I get to stage an Olympics at my house, but until that happy time I turn it over to the London 2012 organisers. As I’ve said, none of this is meant in mean spirit. Unlike some people I’m hugely behind the Olympics – whatever the cost, and the trouble it’ll cause – and despite not being particularly big on the ‘proud to be a Londoner’ thing, indeed despite never describing myself as a Londoner, I do think the city and Britain in general will come out of it pretty well and it will be something we can look back on with a lot of fondness. But we’re not there yet, from last week’s evidence. Keep preparing, guys. Good luck.

Test blog

Mark Watson — Wed, 09 May 2012 21:48:07 +0000

Just to let you know, I haven’t gone and died, even if my blogging is currently less than regular. I am, on the contrary, writing more than ever, but just not in this format. I’m immersed in a handsome number of book/screenplay/script/funeral eulogy projects, and you’re familiar with my general pessimism so you’ll know that I wouldn’t be saying this for the sake of macho bluster – although I may have been lying about the eulogies (thankfully). So, although you (the general public, whom I fondly imagine to be desperately awaiting developments) might not be hearing from me as regularly as you have at some points during this 10-year blog, and will continue to at others in the future, the net result will hopefully be that you hear from me more overall. That’s not to say that any of these many projects will amount to anything, but I’m moderately confident that one of them might.

At any rate, I’m planning some proper substantial blogs over the next week or so, as I’ve stockpiled some things to talk about. Is anyone still reading this, though? I suppose this functions as a test. Even if they’re not, I’ll probably plough on because I know my mum tunes in. Hi Mum. My chest has been much better. Hope you enjoyed the birthday meal. See you, and perhaps other people, here tomorrow.

Welcome back, Mark

Mark Watson — Thu, 03 May 2012 21:43:19 +0000

I’d just like to state that I am safely back from Australia after a 23-hour flight with a toddler, not an experience I can wholeheartedly recommend (though it’s a better choice than leaving your toddler in Australia, which was the option). Thanks to anyone reading this who came to an Aussie show; the crowds were superb. I’m now working on all manner of projects which I’ll discuss here in the days to come. For now, though, it is time to rest. Welcome back to me.

Sydneyside

Mark Watson — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:46:23 +0000

Just checking in briefly from the fine setting of the Sydney Opera House, perhaps the most prestigious place I’ve performed since this blog began. And by perhaps I mean ‘definitely, but trying to sound cool’. I’m only doing seven minutes in the Sydney Comedy Festival opening gala, but it’s still quite thrilling to be playing in a world landmark. David O’Doherty and I were just saying, it’s rare to perform in a venue which would get smashed up if monsters came to destroy the earth in a disaster movie. Not even the Union Chapel normally makes the final cut.

I have done a season here before, but it was in 2007 with Tim Minchin, who subsequently disappeared into obscurity. (NOTE TO ANYONE READING WHO IS SLIGHTLY CRAZY ABOUT TIM AND HAS A KNIFE: THIS IS DEFINITELY A JOKE.) My actual season here begins tomorrow; I’m at the Seymour Centre for four nights, if you happen to be in Sydney. After that I’m home to the UK.

I’m happy to report that my chest seems to be behaving, and also, Bristol City achieved what once seemed an unlikely escape from relegation, thanks largely to your finger-crossing. So all pretty good news. Especially the breathing bit. Hope you’re pleased.