Mark Watson the Comedian

Ages ago Megan sent me this – the edited results of the 12th Very Late Review. In this feature, as you’ll remember, I ask readers to rate and review a large range of cultural events, products, foods, people and so on, with the aim of forming a popular consensus and giving everyone (including me) a ready-reference guide to a large number of things they wouldn’t otherwise have an opinion on. She finished editing it a couple of weeks ago, but I simply haven’t found time to do the elementary cut-and-pasting required. Here it is. I’ll have a bit of a think about the things I’d like to be reviewed in the next instalment and nominate your topics in the next few days. But for now, over to Megan.

———–

Apologies to everyone, including especially the frightfully busy Mr Watson, for not getting to this sooner; it’s been a mindblowing eventful autumn ’round Casa McLeod and Cinema Loco and I’ve not written a thing lately. On to your reviews!

(A note, I don’t include the score for reviews of things that people haven’t experienced. Except, y’know, where I’ve made a mistake.)

BLUE VALENTINE

Sadly, not enough reviews to really do an assessment of this one, but, as a film snob and arty-fartsy cinema manager, I can’t not comment on Cath’s review, which included the following: ‘I am unable to explain why someone would have thought we’d want to watch two such potentially likeable characters become so hateful and treat each other so badly. Where’s the joy in that?’

There doesn’t have to be joy in film. Reality is complex and BLUE VALENTINE is the kind of film that strives to be as real and human as possible. People are fallible and not everyone gets a happy ending and I appreciate that in a movie, as do many people. I’m not saying it’s for everyone, but it’s a fascinating look at lives falling apart and I am in awe of the performances. (That having been said, we had a couple of customers walk out of a screening because it was too depressing – but hundreds of others stayed.)

Right, down off my soapbox and apologies for singling that out. (BTW, David did like the film, though recommended that folks planning a wedding not watch it.)

BON IVER

A folky American band, the founder of which is dating a singer/songwriter friend-of-friends, Bon Iver has been all over the radio here and, presumably (?) in the UK? The few Watsonians who reviewed this one, by and large, approve of this new(ish) face on the musical scene.

Memorable quotes:

‘Makes you think of whimsical things like trees and fields and rivers and what not, which is what I like in my music.’ (Misha); ‘Bon Iver is the kind of band that you listen to whilst staring out of the train window and pretending you’re in a film…Not my cup of tea.’ (Josie); ‘I cannot praise the first album highly enough. It is beautifully stark and bare; you can almost hear the ice and the isolation it was written in. Maybe heartbreak is a cliched and over-wrought theme but here it works perfectly.’ (Kathryn); ‘Lovely.’ (Cath)

Average Score: 8/10

Diving Score: 8.5/10

Full marks: 2 out of 6 reviews

Nul point: 0 out of 6

BACKGAMMON

This was huge in the 1970s and early 80s, at least among my parents and their friends. We have a grand green and beige leather set inherited from my mother. Unfortunately, I always need to be more or less retaught the rules when I am asked to play (every few years) – I have a hole in my brain where that information is supposed to be stored.

Backgammon scored (ha! See what I did there?) in the mid-high range, though several have only played on a computer and/or phone. It’s a brilliant game to argue over and kvetch with friends about. I also couldn’t not quote Helen’s (kinda lengthy, but delightful) review almost in full because it reminded me of the very heated, curseful, and hilarious games my mum and godfather used to play.

Memorable quotes: ‘It’s neither entirely luck based, nor entirely skill based, providing a nice balance between pointless (Snakes and Ladders) and difficult (Chess).’ (Emily); ‘Even now, we still have a backgammon board sitting on the table and it is used every now and then. It can be dull, but if you’re playing with the right person it is fun.’ (Georgie); ‘When I was a kid we had this one board game that on one side of the board had snakes and ladders, and on the other had backgammon. I would often look on the other side and ask ‘What’s this game?’ and mum would always say, ‘it’s backgammon, but turn it over we’re playing snakes and ladders’. She would always say this, and soon I got the impression that I shouldn’t of asked about backgammon, that backgammon was something that only adults knew about. I thought backgammon was risky. I thought backgammon was dangerous. I thought backgammon could well involve swear words.’ (Helen)

Average score: 7.5/10

Diving score: 7.5/10

Full marks: 1 out of 12 reviews

Nul points: 0 out of 12 reviews

ALTON TOWERS

I am only vaguely aware of this one, but Wikipedia says it’s the most visited amusement park in the UK. Not too shabby. Quite a number of you aren’t into scary amusement park rides or crowds, so it’s not that surprising that Alton Towers didn’t rate too highly among the Watsonians, though a few of you have fond memories of the place (but still mentioned the giant queues). Alot of rachels recommends several of the rides, including a roller coaster comfy enough to sleep on. Sounds ideal. I also love MusicalLottie’s reason for avoiding the place: ‘My idea of an adrenaline rush is going down a slide at the swimming pool.’

Memorable quotes: ‘Why on earth pay good money to be scared and feel sick?’ (Cathy); ‘What’s wrong with waiting for the fair to come round?’ (Misha); ‘I liked it when I was ten, which was just before I stopped liking rollercoasters.’ (Knox); ‘As theme parks go, Alton Towers is the best in the UK. Air is a particularly fun ride. That said, the endless queues and lingering sense of despair render it fairly disappointing.’ (Dan); ‘Anything that goes very fast or very high or upside down gets my vote. I like the way that there are little areas and a big cable car to get around. I don’t even mind the queues at a quiet time of the year as it builds it up a bit. But the fast food and the bins covered in wasps and the other people in the queue who are a bit rough and the parking 10 miles away from the entrance and the price puts me off. Despite this, if given the opportunity (everyone I know hates rides so won’t go with me) I would go again.’ (amycool)

Average score: 5.5/10

Diving score: 5.5/10

Full marks: 0 out of 13 reviews

Nul points: 0 out of 13 (surprising!)

SCRUBS

This American sitcom is probably in excessive reruns the world over. The lovable dork John Dorian, his best friend Turk, his sometimes-girlfriend Eliot, and tons of other characters have quirky daydreams, oddball adventures, and, seemingly, a lot of life-changing/affirming epiphanies. I agree with the common complaint among Watsonians that this formula worked for the first few seasons, but lost steam. There is disagreement on when this shark-jumping occurred, but it was probably in the series/season 4 to 6 range. I also included the numerical ratings when people separated between early and later series (LisaD’s went from 9/10 to 1/10 after series 4, for example).

Memorable quotes: ‘I like Scrubs, but it’s probably my least favourite sitcom of all the sitcoms I like.’ (lisaan66); ‘Started very well but faded fast. Like many long-running sitcoms, the attributes of characters which initially made them appealing became overused and resulted in them just irritating (cf. Friends for the best example of this phenomenon.)’ (Andrew); ‘It’s a good switch-off programme – not hard to follow and reasonably funny, with some very funny bits. I love the characters. The Janitor is AMAZING. However, the newer version of Scrubs without JD and with a different theme and too many new characters is just not acceptable.’ (Sarah); ‘its a good mix of comedy, sentimental morals and tunes!’ (Jen); ‘One of those shows that is often on in the background. I occasionally find a joke funny but I’ve never been impressed enough to watch a whole episode.’ (amycool); ‘The only program I love despite wanting to punch the main character in the face a lot of the time.’ (Lydia)

Average score: 6.5/10

Diving score: 7/10

Full marks: 2 out of 29 reviews

Nul points: 0 out of 29

UGG BOOTS

Or ‘Fuggs’ as they are known around here. They are very comfortable, say several of you, but even more of you despise them and think they should never, ever be worn outside the house. Intriguingly, Andrew says that about 1% of the time, they can look quite sexy on the right person. I just think they look ankle-bustingly unsupportive on 100% of people.

Memorable quotes: ‘Comfortable, warm, to be worn at home. This rule however is consistently broken and therefore the score is lowered.’ (Hannah); ‘Waste of time, money, and resources. That said, I used to want a pair. I’m a better person now.’ (Emily); ‘I appreciate that you can get a cheap Primark version that looks exactly the same (i.e. hideous) but in my experience the kind of people who wear Uggs wouldn’t dream of buying the cheap version. They’re ugly. I really take issue with Uggs. However, a friend once made me try hers on and it is like walking on a cloud.’ (Alex); ‘Too expensive and agree with Chris Addison that you cannot take anyone seriously who is wearing the things.’ (sarahthemonkey2 – there are two of you?!); ‘I’m ashamed to be part of the country that brought this monstrosity to the world. Ugly, trashy, make your feet sweat.’ (Madeleine); Ugg boots are INDOOR SHOES and they are UGLY and WORN BY BOGANS. They are warm and comfortable and favoured by grannies to wear when they nip down to the shops. They are NOT fashionable. They are UGLY. Every single Antipodean who sees some vacuous nitwit swanning around in her £200 ugg boots is laughing until they cry on the the inside.’ (Beth)

Average score: 3.5/10

Diving score: 3.5/10

Full marks: 2 out of 25 reviews

Nul points: 4 out of 25 reviews

WHITE CHOCOLATE

A divisive topic, as expected from my experiences in the white chocolate debate, with the supporters (some of them extremely enthusiastic) winning out in the end. This not-at-all-cocoa-y confectionary is best done by Green & Blacks, say a few of you, so maybe I will investigate. I generally just find white chocolate waxy and bleh.

Memorable quotes: ‘I prefer white chocolate to milk / dark chocolate. Does that make me some kind of freak?’ (Phill); ‘Why does it exist?! It tastes horrible, and can’t even redeem itself by looking nice.’ (Knox); ‘I do prefer dark and milk choc, but would obviously snaffle a bar if it was within reach.’ (Sarah); ‘I liked it more when I was younger, but now I like my chocolate extra dark. There’s a brand I found that makes 90-95% cocoa chocolate and biting into it is like eating candy made of opium. Compared to that white chocolate is a bit like licking paper.’ (LisaD); ‘It’s not chocolate, it contains no coco(a) so is not chocolate!’ (David); ‘Added with raspberries to many types of food, for instance muffins and mousse it is absolutely sensational. Otherwise, it’s OK.’ (Cath); ‘I love white chocolate. But to be honest I love most chocolate.’ (Ingrid)

Average score: 6.5/10

Diving score: 6.5/10

Full marks: 6 out of 29 reviews

Nul points: 0 out of 29 (surprising again!)

Thanks for tuning in!