You need answers
Here’s a small diversion for you. This will really suit the inquisitive or bored. And that’s what I’m all about.
We’re going to put a feature on the forthcoming DVD (which really is so forthcoming now, you wouldn’t believe it) where a certain other comedian interviews me in very relaxed style about my life, career, opinions, pets etc. You now have the chance to set a question of your own. You can ask anything, including a question you’ve posed on this site before. It can be a question about my career, or life, or about some other aspect of life altogether (though the judges are likely, realistically, to favour questions about me, just because of the context of all this). It can be searching, silly or even quite disrespectful, but again, it’s likely that the winners will be towards the better-adjusted end of the spectrum. If your question’s picked – they’ll probably choose between one and five – it will not only be asked during the interview and appear on the DVD in front of the watchful eyes of tens of millions*, but your name will be mentioned too. Unless you are shy and prefer to stay anonymous. In which case your curiosity will still be satisfied, but your name will never be attached to this and nobody will ever know of your existence unless they really make their business to track you soon.
This will soon be thrown open to the wider community, but I am beginning it here in the time-honoured style, so that regular readers have that little bit longer to ponder over the framing of the question which could eventually make them famous to tens of millions*. Good luck.
You can enter more than one question, naturally.
*Please note DVD sales may be more or fewer than tens of millions. Phrase ‘tens of millions’ is based on current independent estimate of around 34.5 million.
Posted by Grahame Bann on October 22, 2011
Would you rather be attacked by a dozen duck sized horses or a single horse sized duck?
Posted by Philip Taylor on October 16, 2011
What would happen if you crossed a cat with a monkey?
Posted by Jock Watt on October 8, 2011
What was it like being upstaged (well nearly upstaged) by the sign interpreter at Latitude this year??
Posted by Katy on October 3, 2011
What one piece of advice would you like to give to Kit that he really pays attention to?
Why City and not Rovers?
Whats your biggest regret?
When you get to 40, whats the one thing you’d like to have achieved that you havent already?
Posted by Melinda on September 30, 2011
Thought of a few more:
Name your biggest pet peeves?
If you had to sacrifice one of your senses, which ones could you and could not live without?
If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
What is the one thing that people, upon meeting you, are the most surprised about?
Do you have any thoughts on the growing trend of popular British TV (i.e. Skins, Prime Suspect, The Office etc.) being ‘remade’ for U.S audiences? *
*This is one thing that really irks me about America TV lately. I know there’s a lot of issues related to licensing etc….but seriously why not show the originals (which are often ar better) rather than recasting and retelling the same stories but with a “spin” that usually makes no sense! The only half-explanation I’ve ever been told is that “well people don’t like to hear accents on TV” … which I think is just lazy and doesn’t really foster social/global unity…ok rant over.
Posted by Rachael on September 29, 2011
Do you think anybody can actually talk to ‘spirits’ or are they all con artists like Psychic Sally?
Posted by Natalie on September 29, 2011
When will you publish your book called: All the answers to all the questions people have always wanted to ask a successful comedian?
Why (do you think) your wife fell in love with you and why did she marry you? (Not that I can’t understand her, but sometimes there’s even more than meets the eye…) What would she like to change about you (if anything)?
When will you come to Switzerland and perform for us? (After all we’ve come to the UK twice, only to see you! A return visit would seem fair…)
What was the most impressive thing about meeting Al Gore?
Which celebrity would you never want to see again, and why?
Who would you trust with your life? Are there more than 10 people?
Have you ever bounced on a trampoline as an adult? If no: Why not? Or if yes: Did you like it?
Who decides what haircut would suit you best? You? Your hairdresser? Your wife?
If you could have any pet, which one would it be?
Posted by Tom Beasley on September 29, 2011
Do you prefer your writing work or your comedy work?
How does someone as nice as you deal with being heckled?
What’s the worst gig you’ve ever done?
Which Tim would win in a fight: Key or Minchin?
Do you prefer appearing on radio or on television?
Posted by Megan on September 28, 2011
Have you ever had a non-comedy/writing boring 9-5 job? (Mine is actually blissfully mundane after three weeks of chaos.)
Have you made any progress in conquering your fear of lightning? (I ask this largely because the sky suddenly went dark here and I have to head out on my bike soon.)
If you were a tiny man who had been dropped into a blender, knowing that it would be turned on in two minutes, would you attempt to get out? If so, how? (A friend was asked this in a job interview recently, so I can’t take credit.)
Have you ever walked out of a film or live performance out of disgust or boredom?
Posted by Kate W on September 28, 2011
A selection of somewhat pedestrian questions:
What’s the first thing you remember really laughing at (either actual comedy or a sibling falling over)?
Who or what made you want to be a comedian?
What would you most like to have written?
If you could interview anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?
Posted by Misha on September 28, 2011
Which biscuit is best for soaking up wee.
Posted by Andrew on September 28, 2011
The only two questions I can remember asking here are 1) How do people react to you being a grown man who can’t drive? (or words to that effect) and the rather more contentious 2) Rugby? Really? I’m not backing either of these to make it.
Posted by Kev White on September 28, 2011
Am I too late to submit a question?
Posted by Edie Scott on September 28, 2011
Given no travel or time constraints, how would you fill your perfect day?
Posted by Miz on September 28, 2011
If you could/had to change your name (as Xavier did in Eleven), what would you choose?
Looking forward to the DVD release!
Posted by Rhiannon Mitchard on September 28, 2011
Was there any point during your career that actually hit you that “Hey I’m not so bad at this.”
Did you ever come close to packing it all in comedy wise at any point? If so what was it that nearly pushed you over the edge and what kept you going?
Posted by James Walker on September 28, 2011
Here is a question. It might be fine.
Was there a moment/gig where you thought ‘I might actually be able to do this for a living’? Not in an arrogant ‘I am SO awesome’ way, but maybe just a gig that went really well and gave you more confidence. Or a stand-up/someone you like, said they liked your stuff, etc. Just something that made you think ‘YES, I CAN DO THIS’. And what was that moment?
Now, there’s definitely a question in there somewhere. You have permission to heavily edit the question. In fact, I’d prefer it if you did, so that I sound really clever and intelligent. That’d be ideal.
Posted by Britt on September 28, 2011
What would be worse – being suddenly rendered blind, or losing your hearing?
Do you think that fostering a relationship with your fans, as you do through this blog, has had a positive impact on your self-confidence?
What advice would you give to someone who dreams of becoming a writer?
If Doctor Who suddenly turned up on your doorstep, and offered you a trip in the TARDIS, would you accept?
Would you ever considering relocating permanently to Australia? You do seem to spend an awful lot of time here.
Have you ever been really creeped out by someone claiming to be a fan of yours? Have you witnessed a Watsonian acting so strangely that it’s almost made you reconsider your entire career?
Back in the late 80s/early 90s, were you a fan of Press Gang?
What television show would you say played the greatest role in shaping the person that you are today? [Or, if you'd like, substitute "book" or "film" for "television show"].
What advice would you give to someone going through an existential crisis?
Do you think it’s a good idea to meet your idols? Or is it best to admire them from afar? [Note: not in a stalker-y kind of way].
How important is correct spelling and grammar? Do you think less of a person if they’re unable to correctly place an apostrophe?
Okay, I think that should do for now…
Posted by Beau Brummel on September 28, 2011
When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Posted by Claire on September 28, 2011
Lord Of The Rings or Harry Potter?
What’s your most embarrassing story whilst drunk?
Posted by Melanie on September 28, 2011
It’s my round, what are you having?
While I’m ordering, which song will you stick on the jukebox?
Posted by Melanie on September 28, 2011
Which word is worse – “used” or “moist”?
Posted by Rachel/Pandora on September 27, 2011
I asked my Mum if she had any good question ideas. Her response was ‘Ask him why he’s so thin’. Does that count?
If not then – Can you ride a bike yet?
What’s the best gig you’ve been at, comedy, music or otherwise?
Do you actually like being famous?
Posted by steve wells on September 27, 2011
How do you pronounce the word ‘scone’?
Posted by Jen on September 27, 2011
Wow,I work late n its like an explosion of activity on the blog…its hard to think of anything remotely unique – so many gooduns already – ok ermm -
what would be your dream day?Where would you be?Doing what etc!?
Or
Last meal choice?
Give me time,I can do better!Jx
Posted by Tibbs on September 27, 2011
Do you any sort of ritual that you find helps when you’re writing your novels? Any music you listen to, or a particular place that you like to go to write?
Posted by James Tringham on September 27, 2011
With regard to your favourite book question, if it isn’t Middlemarch, why isn’t it?
What made you go for City rather than Rovers?
Do you think your sardonic yet tangential style makes you fundamentally unsuited for Fighting Talk?
Posted by Emma Eatch on September 27, 2011
Is the moustache in Eleven a cheeky reference to a Light Hearted Look at Murder?
Posted by Aaron Stead on September 27, 2011
Should the UK return to the gold standard?
Posted by Lydia on September 27, 2011
Would you rather be Doctor Who or Sherlock Holmes?
I’ve been staring at the computer screen for ages and that’s the best I could come up with. Sorry. My excuse is that all the good ones are taken.
Posted by Jeffw on September 27, 2011
A lot of people have a natural knack when it comes to take a decision, contact lenses or glasses, tea or coffee, left or right, etc or so on and so forth , when those choices emerge, they have no hesitation, they just know.
Your stage persona seems, at times, to be somewhat indecisive, so…
If you had the choice between the followings, would you rather have literally foam legs or wooden teeth?
Or, to put it in other words, would you rather have the front of a Vauxhall Cavalier in place of a torso or 5 yards long arms?
Posted by Welsh Bev on September 27, 2011
Do you think that Welsh people who are unable to speak in their native Cymraeg shouldn’t be classed as “proper Welsh” !
Whilst I feel thoroughly and properly Welsh and was born of Welsh parents in Wales, I don’t speak Welsh, and have lived in Lloegr with the Saesneg for 1/2 of my 40 years (It saddens me to say). Therefore, how Welsh am I ?? On the same basis how Welsh are you ? Is there a Welshness calculation that can be used to ascertain this?
Posted by MusicalLottie on September 27, 2011
How short-sighted are you, and when did you first start wearing glasses?
Out of all the places you’ve visited, which is your favourite? Where would you like to visit that you haven’t yet?
Which is your preferred method of transportation (distance irrelevant)?
Do you think Kit looks more like you or Emily?
What’s the most interesting question you’ve been asked in an interview? The most annoying/boring?
Posted by Ingrid on September 27, 2011
Do you like it when fans approach you?
Who is (in your opinion) the funniest comedian (other than you
)
Which of your books would you recommend most to someone?
What do you enjoy about having this blog?
Thats all for now… I shall ponder over some more!
Posted by Laurs on September 27, 2011
If a law was passed, declaring that all fiction books (in paper or electronic forms) had to be destroyed, which one would you hide away in secret and why?
So looking forward to the DVD – it’s my birthday present to myself! xx
Posted by Sarah on September 27, 2011
Because it is such a terrible question “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Posted by Mags on September 27, 2011
How many people have shouted “boo” to you in the street?
Posted by Sam on September 27, 2011
I misread Melinda’s question and thought it was how did you meet your first wife!
Hmmm, I’m a bit rubbish thinking about interesting questions. Any time I’m at a Q&A and people are asking insightful and interesting questions I always an an almost overwhelming urge to shout out ‘what’s your favourite colour’.
How about – What would you like to be remembered for? Both as a comedian and a human being?
Posted by Cathy C on September 27, 2011
What makes you happy?
How do you feel about your increasing level of fame (pros/cons?)
How are your TYSIC’s coming? Which one is most important to you?
Posted by Nia Jenkins on September 27, 2011
We all know that you’re not just a comedian. Out of everything you do what do you enjoy the most and why?
Posted by Phil Dickinson on September 27, 2011
What is the most excruciatingly embarrassing social faux pas you have ever committed and how did you deal with it?
Posted by Melinda on September 27, 2011
Kind of cliched, but how did you first meet your wife?
Posted by Suzanne aka Senior Watsonian on September 27, 2011
After THE questions have been sifted, censored and finally selected can you please answer the rest on here??? x
Posted by Suzanne aka Senior Watsonian on September 27, 2011
WOW … what an enormous list of wonderful questions!!! It’s going to be difficult to narrow down, don’t you think???
And that’s my question: don’t you think???
OK that’s pathetic … I’ll get my hat …
Posted by Emma Tofi on September 27, 2011
If you could trade places with another comedian for 24 hours, who would it be and why? And what would you do whilst in the guise of this other comic?!
Posted by Jess Welch on September 27, 2011
If your name wasn’t Mark, what would you want it to be?
What’s the best meal you’ve ever eaten?
Posted by Jess Welch on September 27, 2011
If you could be any animal, what would it be?
What is your favourite song?
What is your biggest fear?
If you could meet one person, who would it be and why?
By the way, the two shows of yours that I have seen have been the best two shows I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot. You even made me snort. That had never happened before.
I can’t wait for the DVD.
Posted by Shelley Ell on September 27, 2011
What is the most amazing sight you have seen on your travels?
What is your favourite book?
If you could travel back in time, where would you go?
What would be your food heaven, and food hell?
Posted by peach watson on September 27, 2011
If you could go back in time and live in another era for a day, what would you pick and why? xxx
Posted by Steph on September 27, 2011
Will you ever do shows in America?
And who is this ‘certain other comedian’? (though I’m guessing that will be answered on the DVD whether it is asked or not)
Posted by Tom Bennett on September 27, 2011
What’s the best time you’ve ever had in a forest?
Posted by Bradley Colmans on September 27, 2011
What do you think was the weirdest question you heard of when researching the show “We need Answers”?
Posted by Andy Parsons on September 27, 2011
Should Keith Millen resign?
Posted by Gary Matsell on September 27, 2011
First of all, congratulations on a very funny and incredibly well produced DVD… but what I really want to know is… what flavour was that pringle?
Posted by Holly Y on September 27, 2011
Lots of clever people have laws named after them: Newton, Hubble, Ohm, Sturgeon, Godwin, Sod. Define Watson’s law.
Posted by Sue (DiB) on September 27, 2011
I hope my memory is right here: didn’t the picture on the left of this blog have you dressed in a stripey shirt? And now (not sure when this changed) you have starry underpants… are you subliminally trying to reach a US audience? Do you have ambitions to ‘make it big’ in America, and if so, in what capacity? You seem to have your fingers in a few pies, what with books, presenting, standup, etc.
Posted by Harry Hainstock on September 27, 2011
Mark, what has been your best response to a heckler/loud mouth?
Posted by Daniel on September 27, 2011
What is more fulfilling: the books, the radio shows, the stand up or the tv shows?
Just how good was A Child’s Christmasses In Wales?
Who won your twitter comic relief auction? ( they outbid me in the last few minutes and I’ve never found out who they are!!! )
What have you turned down that you really shouldn’t have done?
What is your definition of success in your career?
How would you like to die?
If you could still have one thing from your childhood, what would it be?
Posted by Steven Barron on September 27, 2011
Good evenin’ kind Welshman. Who is your most hated ‘celebrity’? And by ‘hated’, I mean who do you physically, mentally, and emotionally hate more than anyone or anything else? Imagine you’ve been out drinking, you’ve had a curry and you’ve came home to have a nice little poo, you’ve sat down, gotten comfortable, only to realise that there’s no toilet roll. THAT is the level of hatred I am talking about.
Thanking you
Posted by Nuala on September 27, 2011
Hi Mark.
I would like to ask if there are any plans to make ‘Eleven’ into a film? Boring question, I know, but I think it would be a great film!
Posted by Dominic Fay on September 27, 2011
What does comedy mean to you? Quite broad, I realise, but I’d be incredibly interested to hear the answer.
Posted by Elaine on September 27, 2011
I’ve read all your books and love them – but my favourite hands down is Bullet Points. Love it
Which of your books is your favourite and why :0)
Posted by Tristan Beer on September 27, 2011
What is your favourite joke which isn’t yours?
Posted by Tristan Beer on September 27, 2011
What is your favourite sandwich filling?
Posted by Lynne Morelli on September 27, 2011
If you went into outer space, what would you take with you?
Posted by Tristan Beer on September 27, 2011
Who would win in a fight between a Grizzly Bear and a Silver-back Gorilla? No weapons allowed.
Posted by Zoe Fell on September 27, 2011
I can’t believe how close we are to the release date. Terrifying. (I don’t know why I’m worried, I mean, Sarah and I only had a camera in our faces for most of the show, that’s all.)
I DIGRESS. AS PER USUAL.
Here is a question which I will always, always pose to any interviewee, provided I’ve done my research:
Q: If you were stranded on a desert island with Messrs Horne, Key, Minchin and Basden (all lovely comedians you’ve worked closely with over the past few years), and were left without food, which of your fellow comics and friends would you sacrifice in order to survive until you were rescued?
There endeth the question posing.
x
Posted by Martin McLoughlin on September 27, 2011
Here’s a simple 2 part question.
What is that and why is it green with pink spots?
Posted by Rachel on September 27, 2011
When you have a poo, do you sit or stand to wipe?
Posted by Mike Paul on September 27, 2011
Hi Mark. My question is: Has stand up comedy aged you, or does it make you feel younger than ever? Looking forward to the DVD!
Posted by Danny Halliday on September 27, 2011
What is the best heckle you have ever heard from the audience?
Posted by Katy Jones on September 27, 2011
If you hadn’t made it in comedy…as you clearly have now with a DVD and tour!!!!
What do you think you would be doing for a job?