Don’t sweat it
When I solicited blog subjects the other night, two pretty similar ones came up. These both sound like problems worthy of our collective time.
‘How do I not make myself clinically obese over the next few months? Serious question. In other words how do people relieve stress other than by comfort eating. If anyone says exercise I’ll cry.’
‘I think you should suggest ways and means that will keep me from committing workplace homicide.’
If I knew how to prevent stress then I’d be preventing it in my own life, rather than constantly getting wound up by the tiniest matters. However, I’ve not yet become clinically obese or even attempted – let alone carried out – homicide. So perhaps I have some sort of right to comment after all.
The best thing I’ve ever read on the subject of stress was a book called Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff which I became a bit obsessed with in 2008. Its claims, unlike the claims of many self-help books, are modest. It says it’s only telling you things which you already know, but keep forgetting because you get so wound up. It did wonders for me and I still occasionally turn to it. Even if you would normally never never even deign to look at a book called Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, I really recommend you get it. But in case you can’t be bothered or can’t afford a book or don’t like books (which ‘most people’ don’t, according to a TV commissioner I spoke to recently – seriously, this person has a well-paid job)… I’ll see if I can dredge up some highlights from my memory.
-Embrace the fact life isn’t fair. It just isn’t. Loads of people died in that earthquake for absolutely no reason. People have awful illnesses. People worse than you get promoted above you. These are misfortunes of different sizes but they all illustrate the same point: the universe makes no guarantees that you won’t be screwed over. All it guarantees you is one life of indeterminate length. You don’t have to walk around going ‘I’m about to be punched, I’m about to be punched’, but just remember when things go wrong (a) they’ve gone a lot wronger for others; (b) y’know, no-one promised you they’d go RIGHT. I don’t think this is incompatible with my general vow of optimism. It’s important to be positive. But it’s also important to bear in mind positivity can’t make injustice and disappointment vanish.
-Will this matter forever? I can’t remember the precise details, but there’s a well-known self-help tenet that you’re meant to think: will this matter in 15 minutes, 15 days, 15 years? Except maybe it’s five not fifteen. But you get the point. A lot of things we worry about cease to be important in the time it takes to have a shower/ cup and tea and think ‘ah well’. Many more are gone within two weeks. Virtually all of them cease to matter if you look far enough ahead. (Obviously don’t go the whole hog and think ‘will this matter in 15 decades’ or you’ll be oppressed by the brevity of human life, but that’s another blog.)
-One thing at a time. This is something I have to remind myself of nearly every day. Try and do one thing at a time, always. If you are working on two things, work on one, then the other. If you have two worries in your brain, solve one, then start on the other. Make a list of tasks and tackle them in order of importance. A lot of that ‘shitIcan’tcopewithmylifeIwishIcouldjustcurlupinaball’ feeling comes from allowing everything to gang up on you at once. You don’t have to do this. Make things wait. Like Dr Martin in ITV’s ‘Dr Martin’. He bloody well sees patients when he’s ready for them, not when they’re ready for HIM.
-Focus on being kind, not being right. Arguments are tiring and unpleasant. A lot of the time you know you’re right, but you will feel a lot better in the long run by not pressing the point till both you and your adversary are miserable. So be prepared to ‘lose’ an argument and walk away thinking ‘well I won really, but hey, we didn’t kill each other’. Of course I suppose the other person could also be doing that. But that still seems better than wearing each other out with a fight.
-It’s all small stuff. Life’s ever so short and silly, it really is. The author of the inspirational ‘Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff’ died suddenly on a plane when he was in his forties or something, leaving behind a family. When I heard this, after reading the book, I was gutted. But then I thought he’d kind of made his point before he went. You never know how much time you’ll be given, you certainly won’t get any more afterwards. Might as well do your best to enjoy it.
PS You won’t get obese.
Posted by marcus aloisi on June 5, 2011
Obviously don’t go the whole hog and think ‘will this matter in 15 decades’ or you’ll be oppressed by the brevity of human life, but that’s another blog.)
….I did the very thing, and have been doing the very thing since the bank holiday, when that cox bloke did a horizon documentary about how the sun will eventually die, and…I didn’t realise, the entire galaxy and universe with it. You do only get one life!
Posted by Lydia on March 18, 2011
Congratulations to Dawn and Amy on the babies.
I know that thinking in the way the self help stuff says to is really the only way forward, but with a lot of things I don’t see how you actually can. Even the facing problems head on thing seems impossible sometimes. There are some problems that you have to face every day, but that doesn’t mean that they have a solution.
But then maybe that’s just me being negative? Maybe I should get the book.
Posted by MusicalLottie on March 17, 2011
@Catherine: WELL DONE!!!
If you don’t feel proud of yourself, you really really should!
@Heather: I completely understand what you mean about confronting the worst-case scenario. It was the only way I got through my first time leading a singing workshop – being scared by a vague notion of ‘it could all go horribly wrong’ is far, far scarier than identifying what exactly *could* go wrong – and what is in one’s control and what isn’t, which really helps.
Posted by Laura on March 17, 2011
Sadly, I think the tv guy was right – I heard a statement the other day (on Steve Wright’s factoids, so it must be true) that, according to a study in the US, 50% of American adults haven’t read a book since they finished school. *Shudders*
Lovely blog, Mark. I used to be a constant worrier but have gradually taught myself to relax a bit more and am so much happier for it.
Posted by Craig Tubb on March 17, 2011
I think my best advice for stress is to not take life so seriously.
I have a friend who is constantly zooming about the place, never having time to just sit down and take in the beautiful surroundings of this world where we live.
Regular comedy night outings help to this effect.
Craig
Posted by Josh (the magnificent one) on March 17, 2011
Could you give a tiny little plug for Things to Tell the Grandchildren, that Internet Panel Show I mentioned a while back. It’s full of watsonians, so it’s fine.
When it’s up, it will be on ttttg.blogspot.com
Posted by Katy on March 17, 2011
Thanks for this entry Mark, superb timing. I read it yesterday at work just as I was contemplating handing in my notice. It made me stop and think and re-assess and luckily I’m still in employment.
I think this is a book I definitely need to read. I spend most of my life stressing about stupid things that dont matter.
Posted by Tracey on March 17, 2011
That was a lovely blog. Personally, I can’t understand people who don’t read or buy books. This is probably why I can’t abide these talentless idiots on television who are for example on a hideous pile of trash like Big Brother, abuse someone, say on a cooking show that they hate books, they can’t read books – why doesn’t that surprise me – and then receive loads of money for it? Or, having two plastic chicken fillets in their chest, being thick and getting loads of money for it?Or being a thick Wag with a larger than life painting of Martin Luther King in your sitting room and then saying “I don’t know him but I sort of know him.” The narrator got the perfect retort by saying “I think you’ll find he used to play for Watford, love.” This terribly trite trivia really winds me up and it shouldn’t because these people are so dumb. I think it’s the fact of shedloads of cash going to stupid people -yes that’s it.I’m going to have a cup of tea in a minute and try and become rational again! I also think, along with Margaret that I’m old enough to be everyone else’s mother!It’s also kind of you to try and find help for everyone.Excuse my ramblings and hope you all have a good day. Tracey x
Posted by Clembear on March 17, 2011
Most people don’t buy books. I did some work for a publisher and unfortunatly its the 80/20 rule again – 20% of the population buy 80% of the books. If not more in publishing. Bestsellers are bought by people who don’t regularly read. Same in music. And film.
For stress relief – well, there’s ways of taking your mind of it – and ways of actually lowering it. The latter are a bit better. Get plenty of sleep, eat lots of vegetables, go outside every day for at least 20 minutes, and yoga’s very good.
I find saying to myself “I am very stressed right now!” helps as I then relax a bit, and don’t beat myself up about being stressed.
Posted by Sue (DiB) on March 17, 2011
I have a copy of ‘Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff… And It’s All Small Stuff’ it must be at least ten years old. Recommended.
I’m out of work at the moment and every time I see a job description that says ‘ability to multi-task’ I think to myself, ‘nope… one job at a time thanks’. It’s even been proven that multi-tasking actually encourages more mistakes and a slower pace of work, *sigh*.
Posted by Catherine aka Cathy on March 17, 2011
@Heather Jones. Thanks for the info. My dad died from a PE. Scary stuff that. I always walk around airplanes when flying, per my mother, who won’t fly. Bruises also scare the crap out of me.
Just saw Mark on Adam Hills TV show. Mark was in the segment “Calling It In.” He was so funny. I hope someday I get to see one of his live shows. I’ll probably get the future DVD before I get back to the UK.
Nite Nite.
Posted by MargaretL on March 17, 2011
Please excuse that weird sentence towards the end of my last entry! Of course what I meant to type was “he talks your through how to stop worrying ,step by step” It’s never a good idea to write a comment at 3.45 in the morning or it comes out as gibberish.
Just realised it’s March 17th so Happy St Patrick’s day to everyone from Ireland!
Posted by MargaretL on March 17, 2011
How right you are about the sensible tips in Richard Carlson’s book.I read it a few years ago and his ideas are really helpful.
He has another good one called “Stop Thinking, Start Living” which is equally thought proving .My memory is nowhere near as razor sharp as yours,Mark,so I can’t give the low down on the full content but the gist of this one is that your thoughts determine how your feel,not the events that happen in your life.It’s a simple concept but very true.
He talks a lot about how to dismiss negative ideas as soon as they pop into your head and how not to be frightened or upset by thoughts. He also talks about the difference between sadness and self pity and the importance of living life one moment at a time. I like his very easy going, conversational style of writing that isn’t at all heavy-going and he talks you through how to stop his concepts step -by -step. Highly recommended for tricky times in life!
Mind you, reading this blog is therapeutic too.I’m a fairiy “new” reader but already recognising names of the faithful Watsonians who chip in every day and I’m pleased to be part of this lovely community, even though I suspect I’m old enough to be everyone else’s mother!
Posted by Helen on March 17, 2011
That has really helped me, thank you for writing. I think I will buy the book. I do love this blog so very much!
Posted by Heather Jones on March 16, 2011
To answer Catherine’s question about Richard Carlson’s death – here’s what his Wikipedia page says:
“Carlson died on December 13, 2006, of a pulmonary embolism during a flight from San Francisco to New York, while on a promotion tour for his book Don’t Get Scrooged: How to Thrive in a World Full of Obnoxious, Incompetent, Arrogant and Downright Mean-Spirited People (2006).”
Inevitably, I then wanted to know what a pulmonary embolism is (I’ve just spent two solid days on a First Aid course, with a third day to follow next week, so I guess that’s why)
So, having clicked on the Wikipedia liink, here’s a bit of the pulmonary embolism entry I found:
“Pulmonary embolism (PE) is a blockage of the main artery of the lung or one of its branches by a substance that has travelled from elsewhere in the body through the bloodstream (embolism). Usually this is due to embolism of a thrombus (blood clot) from the deep veins in the legs…Symptoms of pulmonary embolism include difficulty breathing, chest pain on inspiration, and palpitations…. Severe cases of PE can lead to collapse, abnormally low blood pressure, and sudden death…. About 15% of all cases of sudden death are attributable to PE…”
So there you go.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever read the ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ book. I have a tendency to worry and worry and worry about stuff, and a similar technique I’ve found useful to break into the draining and exhausting worry-habit is to force myself to confront the worst-case scenario and actually articulate it – then I can more calmly tease out what is really bothering me and – somehow – it often seems to unlock things: it may just be a matter of accepting that I cannot control everything and determining that – actually – if ‘the worst’ did happen, there would be ways in which I could cope, or that others would cope.
I wish I could explain it better – it’s the difference between (on the one hand) being scared into immobility by shadows at the edge of your peripheral vision, while being too scared to turn round to see what is really there, and (on the other hand) actually turning and looking straight at it: it may still turn out to be something bad, and scary, but somehow it’s less haunting when confronted face-on (I say confronted, but the appropriate action might on occasions be actively getting away from whatever the monstrous thing is – but that’s a positive thing!) . And, then again, it may even turn out that the scary shadow was only a curtain flapping in the wind.
Posted by Catherine aka Cathy on March 16, 2011
@Dawn Yea! for your whole family. I’m called Grandma Fluffy. My mother is Nani. My MIL is Granny. My cousin’s grandkid calls her Magda. She refuses to be called grandma. I revel in it. They make being older so much nicer.
@Amycool congratulations on being an Auntie.
@MusicalLottie I make lists but not like I should. My father was constantly making lists. He probably was a more well-adjusted, grown-up human being than me. And he got things done. On Saturdays. ALSO on a QUIT-PROCRASTINATING note, I finally cleaned my bedside table. I have before and after photos but I’m too embarrassed to put them up. Next job: other bedside table. Soon. Really.
@Lisa D Will it matter in X number of years? I don’t know. I might be dead by then. There’s not a whole lotta shopping days left ’til Christmas.
@Mark The author of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” really died? What of?
I am having a bad few weeks. It’s bound to get better. If I can just sleep through it, I’ll be fine.
Posted by Lisa D on March 16, 2011
“Will this matter in 15 years?” Thanks for that!
That’s the one I’ll carry around in my head today. It’s the hardest one for me. It’s also the one no one else can say, not without feeling the overwhelming urge to punch the person saying it.
Penn Jillette said “Luck is probability taken personally.” (Someone else may have said it first but he’s who I heard say it.) And I think our sense that life should be fair falls into the same idea, especially since most of us interpret “fair” as “going the way I want it to.” Taking predetermined ideas of fair play out of the equation means that good things are just as likely to occur as bad ones and then it becomes a question of which things hold ones attention.
Posted by MusicalLottie on March 16, 2011
‘On thing at a time’ is vital for successfully riding out stressful periods, and to that end, I suggest LISTS! When I have many things to do, I write a ‘to-do’ list, then re-write it sorting everything into Must, Should, and Could, then write yet another list prioritising within each category and work from there. I’m not suggesting that anyone else need be that pedantic, but lists really do help because they help one to focus, rather than panicking about everything that has to be done.
For stress relief other than comfort eating, I would recommend:
- reading
- listening to music
- curling up to a feel-good, non-taxing film
- reading
- writing down thoughts if one is going a bit crazy (helps to just pour it all out) or vent to a sympathetic friend – really, getting it off one’s chest does a world of good.
I also sometimes take out my stress on my viola, or compose, so I’d extrapolate from that and recommend anything arty, whether one thinks one is arty or not. (Writing would of course come under that umbrella.) Going for a leisurely walk in a park or [safe] fields is always good too – not for the exercise, but for the fresh air and change of scene. The exercise is just a bonus
Posted by Corey on March 16, 2011
I’m always getting stressed by work. The way I get past it is simple, talking to friends/moan to friends at work in a similar position……..have a laugh. My dad always tells me….no one ever retires and wishes they’d spent more time at the office……..it’s only work.
Posted by amycool on March 16, 2011
P.S And I am the happiest most proud Auntie Amy.
Posted by Dawn on March 16, 2011
I have had a particularly stressful day today!
At 4am my daughter Laura was admitted to hospital with strong contractions, being 10 days overdue.
The only contact I had was three text messages from her husband but luckily baby Dylan was born at 15.37 pm.
I am the happiest, most proud Nanna Dawn
Posted by Kathryn on March 16, 2011
Ah, I read this just as stress is sort of ‘finished’ for a bit, because my term ended today. Except I’m not ‘off’ because I still have so much to do, but if we hadn’t stopped classes today I was quite literally on the point of curling into a ball and refusing to do any more. Next time I’m panicking about work (i.e. when next term starts) I will come back and read this again. I could of course read the book but the huge pile of books I ordinarily have to read is rather close to falling over as it is.
Posted by h2osarah on March 16, 2011
The ‘will this matter forever’ one is pretty good. Something I will have to keep in mind. Although a good deal of the things I am currently stressing about (work visa, job hunting, not going broke until I get a job and finishing my MSc) are actually things that will still be affecting me years from now. Aren’t major life transitions such fun? But even so, I’m managing to keep a pretty even keel about everything except the possibility of going broke. But the overall uncertainty about the next 6 months or so is fairly daunting.
Posted by Rachael on March 16, 2011
I think I can probably accept that the world isn’t fair but i’m not sure that I will ever ‘embrace’ it, I will probably always be abit bitter about the fact that some people can’t afford to eat etc.
Thanks for the reminder of taking one thing at a time, i have a zillion assignments at the moment which is abit overwhelming but I think I can probably handle it if I do it like Dr Martin.
And it is reassuring to know that we wont get obese because i was stuffing my face with chocolate as I read all that!
Posted by Alex on March 16, 2011
Aww thank you for this. I would read the book BUT I DON’T HAVE TIME so this is very much appreciated. I have just found out some of the assessments I need for my dissertation aren’t valid, but I refuse to panic. Instead, I am going to lie. Unless my tutor reads this in which case I’m definitely not going to.
I have just eaten a very large amount of crisps though. Never mind.
Posted by Beth on March 16, 2011
Luckily, as a Librarian, I quite like books, so for the sake of my own sanity I shall take you up on your recommendation of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.
I’ll admit I might have been a tad melodramatic when suggesting I might go ahead and murder someone. I don’t think it necessarily ties in well with my own pretty solid moral compass and sense of social justice. I am however monumentally fed up, so in the spirit of the blog and TYSIC, I really ought to be a bit more proactive about the situation. I might even be brave enough to declare my TYSIC to the world.*
As you mentioned, one thing at a time
*That is, all you lovely people.
Posted by Misha on March 16, 2011
Lovely blog Mark, and perfect timing too. I’m in the middle of a tiny mental breakdown, and realising that none of it really matters is nice.
There are more important things to stress over.
Posted by Anji on March 16, 2011
The books right, we all know we know this stuff it’s just being able to be focused on knowing it and acting on it that’s the problem!
Life moves on, and I’ve learnt recently even tho I thought I couldn’t cope I can. I can bloody cope, and I can come thru this with my held held high and walk away being just fine.
Doesn’t mean the bits in-between don’t scare the he’ll out of me, and yes I do burst into tears at random moments and occasionally snap at those I shouldn’t – but I’m gonna come out of this stronger and loving me far more!
Amy, your last line is lovely. It made me smile and think ‘she’s right’. I hope for you too, things are onthe up x
Posted by amycool on March 16, 2011
What excellent timing! I’m quite possibly more stressed right now than ever before in my life so this is quite useful.
I think the one about saying, “Will this matter in x years?” is a good one. In the midst of a stressful moment it’s difficult to pull yourself away from the centre of the tumult but forcing yourself to, and asking specific questions rather than having a vague notion that somebody somewhere has it worse than you, seems wise. Of course it doesn’t always get rid of that nauseous feeling in your belly but even a 10% success rate is better than nothing.
I keep becoming aware of how ridiculous it is to get so stressed about purchasing a house. The very worst that can happen is that it falls through and we’ll lose a few thousand pounds and the best is that we get to own a lovely house. But stress is so illogical that even after watching the comic relief programme about slums I still had that niggle of anxiety.
I hope all the stressed people reading this are feeling better today and coping well. Just think how lovely it will be when the stress is over to relax and reminisce on how well you coped with that difficult period.
Posted by Georgie on March 16, 2011
It’s amazing how dedicated you are to helping everyone here. You’re lovely. Thankyou and see you soon! x