When your friends have a baby: a guide
The internet here in Brisbane has been working pretty well, despite my slightly naive fear that it might have been wiped out by the well-documented flooding (a fear based on my experience of spilling red wine on my laptop and things not going too well after that). But no sooner had I got used to it than the wireless dropped out in my apartment. So I’m on the venue wireless making sure that I put something up here because it might be my only chance. Not the most thrilling anecdote, I appreciate, but it’s good for you to know that I’m still planning my days at least 50 percent around the logistics of keeping this going.
Today I wanted to tackle a recent Can I Help You? enquiry, from Kate. It’s on a subject which has become close to my heart. Some are too young for it to be relevant to you yet, but it will come. The topic is When Your Friends Have A Baby
My best friends are having a baby in July (on the 4th, theoretically) and I’d like to be the most helpful, least annoying, non-child-having friend I can be. I’m not sure whether the best thing is getting involved and trying to help, or staying out of their way and letting them get on with it. Did you desperately want friends to come round and appreciate Kit or wish they’d talk about something else? Any thoughts you have on the topic would be very welcome.
Now, this is not easy. I’ve certainly known people who find themselves swamped by friends and relatives in the days before/during/after the birth of their baby, and just wish everyone would leave them alone. But in my experience, it’s more common for new parents to wonder where everyone’s disappeared to. Friends are quite often demotivated by precisely the thoughts Kate is referring to – should I help, or will I just be in the way? – and err on the side of keeping their noses out.
Of course there will be moments when your friends aren’t up to much entertaining, are tired out of their tiny minds, are stressed because the baby isn’t sleeping, etc, so not every time will be a perfect time. But if you are close friends, then I’d bet they will almost certainly be delighted to see you virtually any time. It’s hard feeling like mates have backed off because you’ve become ‘one of those people with a baby’. You’d rather have them around, even if they misjudge the situation from time to time.
Here’s my tip list for dealing with newly-babied friends:
-If you agree a time to visit, try not to be too late, because they probably will have a massively complicated plan for exactly when the baby should nap/be woken up/fed etc, and might be thrown if you disrupt it. If they’re anything like us, your friends will soon enough abandon the plan as they realise it’s impossible, but in the first few weeks you do tend to feel like it has to be by the book. We would occasionally have people who were meant to come at 3pm (when the baby would be cute and asleep) but then didn’t show up till 4.30 (when he’d be as mad as Charlie Sheen). A bit stressful.
-If you can cook them food one time, they will love you forever. It’s hard to find the energy to cook/wash up or the time to get ingredients or the will for any of it. Even something like the simplest pasta dish will probably have them close to tears. And win you a surprising number of brownie points.
-Their house might be messy as hell. Ignore this.
-If you’re thinking of bringing baby clothes as a gift, go for things that are really easy to get on and off, e.g. a tiny cardigan or a hat. Or, I guess it’ll be the summer, so even something as simple as a plain vest. You can go online and spend £80 on a Swedish-made item which critics have rated the most beautiful baby dress or jumper in the Northern Hemisphere, but if it’s got too many toggles and buttons and bows, there’s a good chance after two tries of getting it on a screaming baby your friends will say to hell with this and wish you’d brought them booze instead.
-It’s almost impossible to guess whether they’ll want to talk about the baby or be sick of the subject and desperate for normal conversation. They’ll vacillate between the two probably. But you know them so you’ll be able to read it. I guess what I’m saying is, do what you think is best. Pretty hot tip, eh?
-Try not to say ‘ugly little bugger, isn’t he’.
That should do it. I’m going to go back and check some of the other small problems people have posted, and work through them over the days to come. As ever, you might have totally conflicting advice on this. This is quite fine with me, leave it below. If you couldn’t be less interested in babies, thanks for still reading this. It’s also how some people feel when I blog about football. But hey. We all get through it. Maybe tomorrow it’ll be YOUR favourite thing that gets talked about. Do keep feeling free to ask questions/suggest topics, as I’m keen for my blog not to become a case of ‘SEE MY SHOW SEE MY SHOW SEE MY SHOW’. Though I do still strongly feel that.
Posted by hornseygirl on March 9, 2011
The Blog has generated plenty of sage and practical advice, as ever.
I must say that Kate’s friends are fortunate to have such an empathetic and thoughtful friend. : )
I must keep this brief as my little one is should be waking up any moment.
I am sure it’ll all be about reading the situation (and understanding that new first time parents can be a bit shell shocked for the first few days!).
Practical help is always welcome, even down to offering to make a cup of tea etc.
Whilst flowers etc. are lovely, practical gifts are, well, more practical. Older age clothes (3 to 6 months plus) are best (as parents in waiting tend to get all the newborn kit in) and basic things like muslin squares (you can never have too many) and even a nappy bin will get plenty of use!
Posted by Rhian on March 8, 2011
I think Mark pretty much has it covered. But I would add a few things:
Try and avoid buying cuddly toys; we ended up with loads of them, and they’re aren’t particularly useful to a baby (they will probably get played with later on, but you can definitely have too many).
Unless the baby is premature newborn clothes last about 2 minutes.
Booties are good. If you are a knitter make a pair – they stay on tiny feet much better than anything available in the shops. They seem to have gone out of fashion, but I found them really handy.
One of the best pressies we got was a swaddle blanket. You can use a normal blanket for this, but one with ready made pouches and flaps makes it easier. They look a bit like a baby torture device but I swear the child slept better in one.
I found day time visitors very welcome, as the days can really stretch on without another adult to chat too. Ring before you arrive to see if milk/bread etc is needed, venturing out for these basics can become a major undertaking.
Don’t just visit once – keep it up! And, just because someone has a baby they can still go out in the evening occasionally. It’s nice to be asked if when it comes to it you’re too knackered.
OK, that’ll do, it’s more than a couple of things.
Posted by Suzy on March 8, 2011
Ooh the blog seems to be working again, but looks slightly odd
Posted by Corey on March 8, 2011
My experience is if you’re thinking of buying clothes, (like Mark says) get something simple to put on the wriggling little human but also go for things a few sizes above what they are so they can have things ready for the inevitable growing.
As for getting involved, when my best friends had their children it took them a couple of days to get used to the enormous situation they had got themselves involved in, but then they couldn’t wait to show them off and a few years down the line they take any opportunity they can to let someone else entertain them for a bit. As many hands on deck to look after/play/dress/change/stop them from putting things in the dvd player the better!…….you’ll be invaluable!!
Posted by Lydia on March 8, 2011
I’m not so keen on babies. Whenever I hold them they puke on me.
Posted by Alex on March 8, 2011
I wish one of my friends WOULD have a baby…
Posted by lisan66 on March 8, 2011
My mam says: Don’t buy newborn sized clothes, buy clothes at that are 0-3 months/3-6 months so that in a few months when the baby isn’t newborn sized anymore, they will have clothes to fit the baby, even though all the baby presents have stopped at that stage
Posted by Alice on March 8, 2011
This is very well timed advice for me as one of my closest friends had her baby last week (amazingly she already looks like her dad in a good way) and I was wondering how to go about being a good childless friend. As I live a few hundred miles from her our visits are pretty thouroughly timed anyway, and I usually bring cakes. In fact I’m guessing it won’t be that different to the way our friendship worked when she was heavily pregnant and didn’t want to go anywhere near a stove! Except for the obvious addition of Genevieve, who I am increasingly excited about meeting.
I think childless friends can be a little overwhelmed by the change on their friend’s life, it all seems a bit vast outside the actual routine.
Thanks for the baby clothes tips, was wondering about that. Might just make extra cakes.
Posted by Misha on March 8, 2011
When one of my friends had a baby (really, she’s a day younger than I am, and i’m not 19 yet) I just used to go round and hold it for her.
I’m quite a mumsy person, and as she was living with her mum at the time she didn’t have most of the above mentioned problems, but missed being able to use facebook two handed etc.
Luckily, I like babies, so I was happy to arrange a visit and sit with baby in arms whilst we carried on like we had before, internet, talking about boys etc. (Really, she talked about boys, I went hmm?) Actually, it was pretty similar when my mum had a baby. I used to tuck him in one arm in the morning and eat my breakfast so that she could go and shower.
Similarly, when i’m on Ben duty, I still appreciate it (he’s 10 now, so he doesn’t need holding) but anyone else who’s willing to try and engage him in conversation is a godsend.
So that’s my thoughts, arrange to go ’round and hold the baby for your friends.
Posted by Rachael on March 8, 2011
I agree with all this too. Don’t ever question or criticise what they are doing (unless it is hitting the kid). I tend to buy people practical things like nappies for the newborn, its not very exciting but they can never have too many and then the cute things can come later.
Also, I took a lasagne to my friends when they were too busy for eating/ cooking and they appreciated it very much.
Posted by Lisa D on March 8, 2011
PS I don’t think I’ve ever been first before! That was neat.
Posted by Lisa D on March 8, 2011
As someone who has been the childless friend of more than one new family I have one thing to add to that stellar advice. They are going to do things that under previous circumstances would be rude, ignore this. Give them a LONG grace period (six months at least). Mark mentioned the importance of being on time for their sake but left out how often a couple may show up late for things because the sitter was late or they couldn’t find one of the thousand or so things they need each time the baby leaves the house, or they’re honestly so tired they just stood in the middle of the room trying to remember what day it is. (My friend Natalie, whose daughter is two now, used to say she felt like the baby had been eating some of her brain through the cord.) It will be a lot of little dumb things you’ll get tired of forgiving them for. Do it anyway. What’s the alternative, lecturing a new mom about the importance of etiquette? It seems like an obvious thing to keep in mind, but after a couple of months you may need the reminder. Then suddenly they’ll start sleeping regularly & go back to being the people you remember