Help!
On this blog I’m in the general business of self-improvement, and so are quite a lot of you, so I’m going to recommend a book which someone was kind enough to send me and which I really enjoyed. It’s called Help! and it’s by a man called Oliver Burkeman who writes a column called This Column Will Change Your Life. In that column, he examines all sorts of self-help techniques, books, ideas, and filters the actually-quite-useful from the potentially-very-harmful-nonsense. The book is a compendium of some of his findings.
The main finding of the book is that most self-help systems which offer you a chance to ‘CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN 7 DAYS’ or ‘ACHIEVE EVERYTHING YOU EVER DREAMED’ etc are bollocks, and true happiness – if we can find it at all – consists in having more realistic expectations of ourselves. I’ve made it sound pretty banal (welcome to the world of reviews) but its commensense approach is actually quite inspirational. The subtitle of the book is ‘How to Become Slightly Happier and Get a Bit More Done’, and most of the little essays in the book are devoted to just that idea: making small, useful changes, which might not have the dramatic effect of a lot of the transformations you’ll find in some self-help books, but will actually change your life a tiny bit for the better.
A lot of what I’ve done on this blog (and in my career) is about big, silly gestures: a ten-year blog, a load of self-improvement targets, 31 New Year’s Resolutions… it’s all a bit like the 24-hour shows. I’ve always been very attached to huge eye-catching attention-seeking moves, and that’s probably why I became a writer/comedian/person that’s always banging on about something or other. But quite a lot of people who started out doing TYSICs were probably put off by the extravagant nature of my approach. The fact is, it IS better to try and make small, manageable changes to your life, bit by bit, than to try and overhaul things massively overnight.
So this is partly a recommendation of the book (which is also very funny, by the way), and partly an appeal to you, if you set yourself a Ten-Year Self-Improvement Challenge, to go back to it and – if it was proving too hard – just find an easier way of approaching it. Even if the progress you make seems tiny, progress of any sort is real, whereas big claims are pretty much waiting to be exploded.
And in one way the TYSIC idea does tally neatly with Burkeman’s book: it’s all about doing things over that decade-long timescale rather than taking dramatic steps. Ten years. It’s loads. Take your time. Do something so small it’s barely noticeable, just for the sake of taking an eighth of a step forward. There’s so much time left.
I’m going to update my TYSIC page with a full breakdown of my last few months’ self-improvement efforts, once I get to Australia and can do more stuff. I would love some other people to do the same. And in the meantime, yes, I recommend the book. It’s got a nice yellow cover. You’ll see it around. If you can’t afford to actually buy it, I’ve now at least told you enough of its contents that you can pretend you have.
PS I think it’s time for a new Can I Help You? feature too, in honour of this book’s title, and the general optimism top-up it’s given me. Put your questions/appeals for advice on any subject at all, below. See previous Can I Help You?s for examples. But bear in mind I quite often fail to answer half of them. So if you’re in serious trouble, don’t rely on me. Thanks.
Posted by lisan66 on March 19, 2011
I know this was written AGES ago, but hopefully, my comment will still be read and I can possibly be helped.
My best friend (who I’m calling Fred) fancies me. Fred told his friend, who told my sister, who told me. I found all this out last August, and I can say at the time, we weren’t best friends. I talked to him a good bit, but we weren’t close.
Last November, I was texting him, and in a very round about way, we both told each other that we like each other, but nothing ever happened out of it. We still only hang out as friends etc.
Even though I told him that I like him, I’m not really sure if I do. I love him, because he’s my best friend, but I’m not sure if I could ever be in love with him.
Added to all that, is that myself, Fred, his best friend and my other best friend (Sarah) all hang out together quite a lot. If anything was to happen, I don’t want to ruin mine and Fred’s friendship, or the dynamics of teh friendship that the four of us have either.
At the same time, I don’t want to not do anything about it and in the future regret that.
I’ve talked about this loads with my friend Sarah, and yesterday the four of us who are all really good friends went to the zoo. Sarah very helpfully kept leaving me and Fred alone so we could talk to each other, but his friend kept not leaving us alone.
Sarah’s advice at the end of the day was that next Thursday when we all go out, to have a few drinks (which I’ll do anyway) and to ‘need some air’ and bring him outside with me to keep me company and to kiss him then and see what happens. If it’s really wrong, I can apparently blame it on the alcohol, and if it goes right, then that’s a good thing.
I was just wondering if anyone (doesn’t have to be Mark, I know you’re busy) has any advice at all. Does anyone agree with my friend Sarah’s thinking? Or would life just be better if I kept him as a friend?
Posted by Beth on February 28, 2011
Lydia, Miz – yes, she’s an awesome lady.
But, Miz, I feel that I should point out that I’m Australian and therefore, technically, the phrase “Map of Tasmania” is actually Amanda referencing me and not the other way around :p
Posted by MargaretL on February 27, 2011
Thanks for the book recommendation, Mark. Like Meg, I had a look for further details and found that there’s a short video of Oliver Burkeman talking about his book on Amazon, so anyone interested might want to have a look at that.He seems a warm, pleasant, smiley guy, not remotely like the overly evangelical types who usually write self help books, so that’s a definite positive. I’m looking forward to reading it.
Posted by Meg on February 27, 2011
I had a look for that book and I LOVE the front cover! And the title and subtitle. And of course the subject matter. So I think I might just buy it.
@Ingrid – I’ve recently had to choose A Level choices and I found choosing GCSEs pretty hard too. For my GCSEs I just went for what I enjoyed most and what would be useful. Mainly I ruled out all the subjects I couldn’t bear the thought of studying for 2 more years, then chose my favourites out of the remaining subjects. But I also considered which I actually stood a chance of getting a good qualification in. The main thing is not to rule anything out. You want to keep your options as open as possible because a lot can change in two years. The same applies to A Levels but I suppose they need to be slightly more specialised. But don’t do something just because you feel you should. If you don’t enjoy it, it’s not worth it. And specific GCSE choices don’t affect your future a huge amount apparently, it’s more that you have them. GCSEs help you do A Levels and A Levels help to get you into university. That’s what I’ve been told anyway.
Here’s a Can I Help You? question. It’s extremely waffly and doesn’t make a huge amount of sense so feel free to ignore it. I’m just getting it off my chest.
I think I talk about autism too much. I’ve mentioned on here before that my brother has autism and it seems to be coming up in most aspects of my life. And it’s mainly my fault because people always seem interested – because of course autism is extremely interesting, I’m the first to admit it – but I kid myself that they’re interested in me because of the link rather than just my brother so I lap it up. It’s got to the point where I’m talking it a lot just because people are seem interested which is hugely unfair on my brother and the rest of my family. But at the same time I don’t want to go on about it to my friends and family because they’ll get bored. So I don’t know whether to just stop talking about it and keep my feelings about autism to myself or carry on talking to people about it which could result in them thinking my life revolves around autism. Which it doesn’t really.
That was a pretty deep and depressing ramble and you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to. Here is a happier alternative:
If a toy says 3+ on it, it’s okay to play with it if you’re 15, right? Because 15 is technically within that age bracket but it seems that teenagers playing with children’s toys is frowned upon. I do not understand this.
Sorry for the enormously long comment. x
Posted by Lydia on February 27, 2011
When I read all the comments I realise how little I know about anything. But I still feel like I have to try.
A Lot of Rachels, I think that what you do kind of depends on what sort of person you are. The kind of professional help that you would be offered is basically what you described, so it would be easy enough (except not, but you know what I mean) to do it by yourself. I feel a lot like you do about being social and I found that I have only started actually doing something about it with someone helping me. CBT is essentially someone telling you to Just Get On With It, but knowing you have to report what you did to someone the next week gives more incentive and pressure to do it. I think that if you can get past the annoying way counsellors patronise you it can be really helpful.
And Ingrid, you really won’t fail. I always think I’m going to fail, and I haven’t yet. If you work hard and keep in mind that all the boring crap you’re doing has a purpose, even if you don’t know what it is yet, you’ll be fine. Try not to worry about making the wrong choices. I’m doing my A levels at the moment and I kind of see it all as a process of elimination. I know that sounds kind of stupid, but my GCSEs made me realise that I absolutely do not want to go into child care (I did child development), while also making me realise I really like debating “issues”, and just knowing about what’s going on in the world (RE). At A level the chances are you won’t even know what half of the subjects are about, so pick what you think will interest you most. You can only figure out what you do want to by understanding the things that you definitely don’t.
Hearing all the anxiety issues other people have has made me feel way less crazy. I don’t really have much advice on it though, because there are still so many things that I feel like I can’t do because of it. If I ever figure it out I will definitely let you know.
Also, the fact that there are Amanda Palmer loving Watsonians kind of made my day.
Posted by Kate W on February 27, 2011
Aha – now there actually is a Can I Help You blog, I shall re-post my advice request of the other day. I think this is a question you’re rather well-qualified for, Mark.
My best friends are having a baby in July (on the 4th, theoretically) and I’d like to be the most helpful, least annoying, non-child-having friend I can be. I’m not sure whether the best thing is getting involved and trying to help, or staying out of their way and letting them get on with it. Did you desperately want friends to come round and appreciate Kit or wish they’d talk about something else? Any thoughts you have on the topic would be very welcome.
(And would second Misha’s recommendation of 59 Seconds; all based on solid research and very much about small changes, not massive dramatic claims.)
Posted by issey on February 26, 2011
Hmm can’t seem to log on to the TYSIC site. Can’t work out what’s wrong, says it doesn’t recognise my email address but when I try to register again it says my email address is in use!
Can anyone help?
Posted by elin on February 26, 2011
Is there any self-help for aggressive earworms?
I’ve been humming Help since last night…
Posted by Rachel/Pandora on February 26, 2011
Misha, I’ll sort out your knees on Monday. Yeahhh.
Posted by MusicalLottie on February 26, 2011
Also, Ingrid:
Unless you have a very specific career in mind, your choices now won’t matter all that much. I’m guessing, if I remember your age correctly, that you mean GCSEs/equivalent? If that’s the case, there may be some subjects that you might need if you have a specific career in mind, but beyond that just do what you enjoy. Really.
I freaked out all the time when I was at school: for changing schools (Lower-Middle and Middle-Upper), for GCSEs, for A Levels, and I’m still a worrier. Stupid things that I’ve said or done come back to haunt me, some from ten or so years ago – but I can honestly say that my choices when I was your age really haven’t mattered. I was going to say they haven’t mattered much, but on reflection they haven’t actually mattered at all. Regardless of my good grades I still can’t find a job (I’m 21 now) and although that sounds really negative, I’m just pointing out that even if you make bad choices now it honestly won’t make much difference!
Of course try to make the best choices you can, because you may as well do the best you can and enjoy it as much as possible; it’s just not the end of the world if you make a mistake
Posted by A lot of Rachels on February 26, 2011
Thank Misha, I’ll check out the moodgym, it seems good and worth a try.
Sam – I might have a couple of tips, have you ever read up on facts about flying and the processes of how it works/how planes are designed sort of things? Sometimes learning about everything makes it seem a bit less daunting. And see how many planes fly over the world every day compared to how many actually enter disturbance is very small and shows how routine the plane industry is.
When a plane enters turbulence some people find it helpful to imagine it like a car going over a bumpy road, it it is similar in that a car is going up and down and what’s causing a car do this is very small bumps in the surface. Turbulence in a plane is also due to small air “bumps”.
For heights I read an interesting study where people with the fear went up to the third floor of a building with binoculars and looked through them but upside down which caused the ground to look further away. Unfortunately, people outside got very suspicious of a bunch of people stood in a building looking through binoculars so they called the police and the study got stopped.
Posted by MusicalLottie on February 26, 2011
I don’t think I have any questions right now, but a couple of previous comments intrigued me:
Sam, I’m terrified of heights too, though the two times I’ve been on a plane actually were okay; it was the pressure change that made me feel ill, not the height! But given the opportunity to go up the Eiffel Tower, I declined because just the thought of it almost induced a panic attack. Strange. Where I used to work I went climbing and was fine until I looked down, and I thought it might have helped me conquer my fear, but a week or so later I had to exit via a fire escape (for a drill) and I almost panicked on the stairs … so if anyone has any tips, I’d be interested to hear!
Catherine, I have no specific tips alas – I’m also a hoarder and even if something’s broken or mouldy it hurts to get rid of it, regardless of how useless whatever it is may be. The best thing I’ve found is to keep myself busy afterwards … but that’s not what you asked. The only way I get through lack of motivation is by actively thinking ‘don’t think; just do’ – and I know you didn’t want to hear that. The other angle you could use is this: you say that your motivation is quite near zero. ‘Quite near’ means that you have a teeny-tiny bit of motivation there somewhere. What is it? Why do you want to take small steps to improve things? If you can fan that minute ember of motivation into even just a small flame, you’ll have more to work with, and if you keep fanning it, you will find enough motivation to do it.
I know it can be really hard; I let my areas around the house (I live with my family) get steadily more cluttered and untidy until something snaps and I *have* to tidy up and throw things away. If I ever find out what it is that snaps I’ll let you know!
Misha, following on from Kathryn’s comment, it’s very easy to lock one’s knees without realising. If I have to stand for a while (well, even after ten minutes mine are all too happy to seize up) I make sure to keep bending and stretching them, using whatever different moves I can think of – obviously, some are more likely to be situation-appropriate than others, but you get the idea
Posted by Jen on February 26, 2011
Small steps to change sounds much more do-able…ive always read this blog and have only recently started to take part in discussions….i think its abit like what Rachel was saying about confidence…id write something…think it sounds stupid and delete it…im the ‘worrier of the family’ so im told…
Help wise then… I need to know how to stop worrying so much about everything…how do people do it… just not worry…im in awe of this…
Also relationship wise…whats the best advise for meeting people…my boyfriend of 8yrs left me New Yrs Day 2yrs ago and since then Ive been scared to even attempt dating…i was 16 last time i dated…im 27 now…oh its a worry!?!Don’t get me wrong im not a moaner… im grateful for everything ive got..my family,friends etc but advise on these issues would be appreciated…thankyou!Jen x
Posted by Ingrid on February 26, 2011
Hey
Heres the thing. Im going through this time now were we have to be making all these massive choices. Choosing subjects at school, exams and all that sort of thing and i was wondering, how much will all this effect my life? Will the choices i make now stay with me forever? What happens if i fail?
So basically I’m kind of freaking out about all this and some advice from people who have gone through all this and come out the other side would be much appreciated. Thanks x
Posted by Miz on February 26, 2011
If we’re doing tips, I’d love some for job interviews – either I’m crap at them or the recession is hitting places hard. …Yeah, it’s probably the former!
(Also, yay Beth (hi, random stranger here) for the Amanda Palmer reference!)
Posted by Rachael on February 26, 2011
I’m going to buy fruit instead of chocolate when I go shopping today.
Posted by Sam on February 26, 2011
Hi
Anyone got any tried and tested suggestions to conquer a fear of heights and fear of flying? I have both and hate both.
As much as I can, I try not to let it stop me doing things I want to do. For example I do get on planes and fly places and stuff. But I feel really anxious the whole time and get really panic-y at any turbulence.
The same also applies for other situations where I go ‘up high’ if you like. For example, I’ve been up the Eiffel Tower and that type of up high is kinda ok – because I can rationalise that it’s a solid structure that’s not going to fall down. On the other hand, last year I went on a cable car (which ended up going much higher than I thought) and the thought of it just dangling for a piece of rope made me physically sick and all I wanted to do was roll myself into a little ball and cry (pathetic I know!)
So I guess what I’m looking for is any tips or techniques that I can use to lesson my anxiety and allow me to just get on with it (and perhaps even relax enough on a flight to be able to get a bit of sleep).
Thanks x
Posted by Beth on February 26, 2011
Here’s one that I’m struggling with and would value your input on: Women who don’t shave their armpits (or legs, or Maps of Tasmania) – yay or nay?
Posted by Kathryn on February 26, 2011
Hmm…
I’m sure I have things I need advice for, but probably nothing major. Maybe just the mysteries of the male gender: if a guy buys you a drink and walks you home after a party does it mean anything?
Blog commenting under the influence is a bad idea. I shall try to make more progress on my TYSIC goals and work out if I’ve actually managed to accomplish anything in the last year. Getting into university was part of one of my goals; alas, I was consequently introduced to alcohol…
Posted by Tibbs on February 25, 2011
Misha, do you lock your knees when you’re at work? I did that for most of my life without realising and ended up with degraded cartilage under my kneecaps (not fun). So try to make sure when you’re standing up that there’s still some give in you knees.
There are a couple of exercise I was shown to strengthen the muscles that connect to your knee and loosen the tendons (or ligaments? I get those confused) in your knees and hips. The easiest one would be standing up on your toes for a few seconds, then slowly lowering yourself back down and rocking back onto your heels, raising your toes off the ground. I’m not sure I can describe the other exercises very well.
Also, just above your knee in the centre is where a big tendon (or ligament) attaches, and if you rub that, starting a few cm above the knee and pushing your thumbs towards your knee, it can help to relieve the pressure.
Hope that helps some!
Posted by Catherine aka Cathy on February 25, 2011
Oh yeah!
@Misha
My knees kill me, too. I used to stand all day at my last job. Good expensive supportive shoes will make a big difference. For some reason they have to be ugly, too. Also, when it’s really bad, I wear a knee brace. Good luck.
Posted by Catherine aka Cathy on February 25, 2011
It’s a coincidence, but I have been wrestling with the same topic as the blog. I finally decided to take small steps to get through the clutter in my house. (I think I am what is called a hoarder.) Anyway, very sound advice from Mr. Watson. But now I am having a problem just taking the first little step. My motivation level is quite near zero. Please don’t say “just do it.” My family says that. Irritates the crap out of me. I would have already done it if I could.
Have a good time in Australia. Buen viaje.
Thank you,
Cathy
Posted by Misha on February 25, 2011
That should be MOODGYM not mindgym. Sorry.
Posted by Misha on February 25, 2011
Also, (quickly) for Rachel, google MINDGYM (like that)
It’s an online CBT programme recommended by my GP and it’s really helped me.
Posted by Misha on February 25, 2011
Another good “anti-self help” book (as it were) is Richard Wiseman’s 30seconds one (can’t remember the rest of the title, just clocked off on a 5 hour shift.
My Can I help You queries are banal.
1. Any suggestions for combatting a pill induced dry mouth.
2. How can I stop my knees from dying at work? I stand around lots, and I do wear decent shoes & try to keep moving, but my knee joints keep seizing up.
Posted by A lot of Rachels on February 25, 2011
That book sounds pretty good, I may need to hunt it out at some point.
I’d always love to try improve myself in little ways. My main aim is to stop being paranoid and invite people over or invite them out to do something little but I’m always too afraid to do it incase they say no and I have it stuck in my head that if they liked me they’d invite me out themselves therefore they don’t like me. It’s terrible thought process and I’d do anything to change it.
We had a lecture on cognitive behaviour therapy which tries to change peoples anxiety among many many other things.
If you see someone in the street that you know and you wave to them but they don’t wave back, most people will just think “oh well, they didn’t see me, doesn’t matter” but I can’t think like that I see it as “oh they clearly don’t want to notice me and end up having to say hello so they ignored me” and CBT attempts to change that thought process by doing little things to improve such as ringing them up and asking them over for a film, if they say no and hang up quickly then you’d be right to think they don’t care for you and then you can move on but if they say yeah then it can help show that you don’t need to think like that. But what I’m fearful off is that they’ll say “no, sorry I’d love to but I’m busy” and it’ll make me worse because I’ll think the same and they’re just trying to make excuses.
So I guess I could include Can I help you with this and ask if anyone knows a way to combat my paranoia/complete and utter fear of rejection? Would it be better to find a good book or just chat to someone professional?
Sorry for the rather long post.
Posted by Tibbs on February 25, 2011
Also, first comment? I’m not sure I’ve ever done that before! How nice.
Posted by Tibbs on February 25, 2011
I really like that subtitle. That book sounds like it could be really useful!
On a related note, I just finished reading Crap At The Environment, have joined my local freecycle and am looking into the possibility of train or busing it down to NY, rather than flying (although that in itself was only ever a possibility). I’ve always considered myself at least slightly greener than average, but your book’s reminded me of a lot of areas in which I could improve. So ta for that!