Megan's bike
Now and again a misfortune befalls a member of our community, and by ‘our community’ I don’t mean England or the several billion people who make the global community – no time to keep track of all of them – but the slightly smaller group who read this blog regularly. A couple of months ago Deborah F lost her job. I devoted a blog to an appeal to cheer her up. Everyone responded very well and, purely by the power of our collective will/her job-seeking skills (choose whichever you think seems more likely), Deborah has now got a new job, as you might have seen from the Comments section. Ace.
But no sooner is this injustice rectified than a new one rears its ugly head. Megan McLeod is one of my favourite readers. She’s always left interesting Comments, she lives in Canada, she runs an arts theatre, and she’s expertly edited the Very Late Review section for some time. Also, I met her at one of my shows in July, and she was lovely. AND YET this week, her followers on Twitter learned in a series of emotional tweets that her bike had been nicked from her own garage.
I mean, what kind of bullshit (as they say) is that!? How can someone with a track record of editing the Very Late Review lose their bike to thieves? It almost makes you believe that we’re not some elite group of humans, blessed with immunity from common human problems, after all.
But I refuse to accept that. We got Deborah her new job* by rallying behind her, and I now call upon you to do the same for Megan. I’m not going to try and initiate some kind of crackpot scheme to raise money to get her new wheels because that would be an unacceptable level of interference in someone’s life, and also a bit patronising. I’m simply asking you to register your sympathy here, and your utter fury at the arseholes who would steal a bicycle from the modestly-paid manager of a small cinema WHO COMES TO MY SHOWS DESPITE LIVING IN CANADA.
When expressing this fury, feel free to fantasise as to punishments you’d like to see levelled at the offenders. We did this once before when I invited you to work out your own fines for common public offences, and the response was excellent and quite alarmingly imaginative, in some cases.
I don’t doubt that the psychic energy unleashed will either get Megan a new bike, or the old one back, or, basically, make her feel better. And what is the point of being a comedian if not to occasionally make people feel better? Let’s go.
*kind of
Posted by Megan on November 6, 2010
Update: No sign of old bike. Just spent a great deal (for me) of money on a new one, which is a significantly nicer model (a hybrid this time – a Rocky Mountain Metro 10, for the curious Googler). I hope I get to have great adventures on it. I pick it up on Monday.
Again, thank you all for your good thoughts and wishes of Bad Things for the punk ass git who stole my beloved Miele.
Posted by Emily on November 6, 2010
I don’t think I can say anything that hasn’t already been said, but I am sympathetic nonetheless.
Posted by Steve Page on November 6, 2010
“We got Deborah her new job* by rallying behind her, and I now call upon you to do the same for Megan”
Maybe we should Raleigh behind her?
I’ve had things stolen from my property before, and, as has been noted, the loss is annoying but the sense of being violated is possibly worse. Console yourself, Megan, by realising that the majority of people are decent, hard-working, honest folk, and that the life of a bike thief is both a crime and a punishment; that person is likely to never aspire to greatness, and will never have a positive impact on other peoples’ lives. Try to put your anger into perspective by realising how crap a life that person will have.
Posted by cymuangel on November 5, 2010
*shakes fist at bike thieves*
Megan, you have my heartfelt sympathy. I named my bike Persephone (queen of the underworld) after she caused me to break my hand, but I’d hate to lose her.
I wonder if our negative thinking will have the same effect as our collective finger crossing for Mark’s beloved Bristol City? Let’s hope that, even now, somewhere on a very bumpy, muddy road, the miscreant(s) are getting their comeuppance…
Posted by Amy B on November 5, 2010
Grrr. Damn bicycle thieves. The bleeding heart liberal in me wants to say perhaps it was stolen to feed a starving family or some other more acceptable reason than just being a dick, but at the same time.. GRRR! That sucks Megan.
Andrew D: those girls you speak off would be me and my friend. It was more her laugh that amused me and then my laugh made her laugh more and it just sort of went on. But hey, who can deny that shooting cats in the face is funny?!
Posted by Lora on November 5, 2010
I haven’t posted a comment in a while, but now seems like a good time to start again by expressing my shock that someone stole Megan’s bike from her own garage! I think that seems the worst part of all this.
I hope all the comments are going some way to cheering up your day
Posted by Megan on November 5, 2010
Holy crap! People I know in real life posted comments here (they all just flooded in, as I guess Mark’s just approved them). You are lovely too.
Posted by Craig on November 5, 2010
Sounds like a ‘Punishment fits the crime’ type case could be handy here. You steal a bike – your bike gets stolen (or at least something of equal value).
It needn’t be harsher than that, in the interests of stopping the thief re-offending.
Posted by Laura on November 5, 2010
Poor Megan! That sucks big-time. Someone stole my shoes (from my tent! While I was in it!) while I was at Glastonbury and, to this day, I hope they had constant pain wearing them. I’m sure some suitbaly shit stuff will befall them for their lack of niceness. What bastards.
Not liking this whole favourites thing though, Mark. Sniff. I might not bother coming back…
Posted by Jack Snelgar on November 5, 2010
I didn’t know they had Push-Bikes in Canada to be honest. Or more importantly, thieves. But what a shame. Canada aren’t so famous for it’s muggins but more for it’s Moose. So if she want’s it back I’m sure their aren’t many Moose who can perform ‘wheelies’, let alone ride a Bike.
Out with the old, in with the new.
Posted by Andrew D on November 5, 2010
Now i look silly – it was the blog moderators, not a bike-turned-blogpost thief….
think i’ll stick to the afore mentionned ‘not usually writing on blogs…..”
embarassed.
Posted by Glamlovinkitty on November 5, 2010
Megan – please accept my sympathies for your missing bike. I can only hope that the person who stole it will someday fall onto it from a great height, after someone else has stolen the seat off it.
Posted by Andrew D on November 5, 2010
Sad news about the bike and all…. but I just posted a comment on here a few moments ago commending you on your cambridge show, and now its gone……??? has the bike thief diversified in to blog-post stealing also just to further enmiserate the lives of this blog community??!
worrying times.
Posted by Andrew D on November 5, 2010
Hi Mark. Just wanted to say a big thank you for the other night, you were amazing!! (in a great gig kind of way, not a ‘we had a romantic encounter’ kind of way). Me and my girlfriend Lauren were at your Cambridge show – we were sat on the front row next to the girls who had a comedy soft-spot for ‘people shooting themselves in the face’ jokes???
We hadn’t put quite as much effort in to get there as the Geordies or the fen-dwellers, but nonetheless, we were there! I’m never one to write on blogs, or put effort in to commenting in a written feedback type way, but we both enjoyed it that much that in the ‘do a nice thing’ type vibe your show promotes, I thought I’d make an effort this time!
So yeah, great show, from (innovative) start to (wish it wasn’t ending) finish. Must go anyways, someone in my office has just got up to go to the toilet so I’m off to excitedly chase them and then boo them loudly when they don’t hold the door open for me…..
Posted by Aislinn on November 5, 2010
Stick a sign up on your garage door saying ‘CHARITY BIKE SALE!’
It’ll make them feel terrible when they next cycle past.
Posted by Joelle on November 5, 2010
This is horrible news!
I hope they find the bike/insurance covers a new one
I’ve too had horrible news this week. A boat turned up empty on a beach with the engine still running and a fish on the line. A search went on for over 12 hours to find the missing person. Nobody had any idea who it was, apart from the fact that they were probably floating around the ocean dead. Yesterday afternoon we learnt that it was one of my favourite teachers ever who taught me for 5 years. Absolutely devastated. He was nice to everyone, even the naughty kids, he tried to help them.
I don’t know how to do him justice and I thought as a comment on this blog would be a good place to start.
Rest in peace Mr Stewart. You’ve touched so many people’s lives. It’s amazing how much teachers actually touch you.
Unnecessary comment is unnecessary.
I hope you’re having a good week, Mark
Posted by Aphra on November 5, 2010
What an absolute bastard! I secretly hoped the cuplret fell off the bike while riding down a particularly steep hill, and grazed both his knees AND his forearms. The kind of grazes you have to pick gravel out of and put Betadine on.
Posted by EmT on November 5, 2010
What a mother flippin’ scumbag. (The bike thief of course). I am planning a day trip into Canada when I go to Washington State in a few weeks. I will hunt them down – Canada’s not that big, right?! – and give them a few choice words. I will stop anyone looking slightly furtive whilst riding a bike. Description of the bike might help though!
Posted by amycool on November 5, 2010
I’m a bit late but I just wanted to add my condolences. I try not to get attached to inanimate objects, but when it’s something that has seen you through so many things and brings back so many memories, it’s impossible to be detached.
It’s so upsetting that there are people in the world who don’t even think twice about effectively ruining another person’s week for some small gain. Thankfully, there are millions of people who would never dream of hurting others and we go through life hoping to meet as many of those people as we can. Mark’s blog is like a sieve for nice people. All the angry vindictive people fall through the gaps and we’re left with a big sludgy mess of caring lovely people.
I really hope you find a new bike that will share many more memories, happy and sad, and that at the very least the thief is getting some use out of your bike, with a huge feeling of guilt wherever s/he goes.
Wishing you a brilliantly wonderful weekend,
Amy. xxx
Posted by Megan on November 5, 2010
Good lord, this is a lovely and amazing thing. I’ve had an utterly shit week, culminating in having to organize Hell’s Own Charity Event tonight, so it’s absolutely wonderful to see anger and indignation on my behalf. Seriously. (THe other highlight of my day was a friend of mine bringing me a giant burrito at work.)
I think I was most upset because my bike was part of my identity, really (also, the double violation of it being TAKEN FROM MY GARAGE). It’s my mode of transportation 90% of the time from March through December. That bike was purchased in the fall of 2004 (not long after getting back from Brum) and has seen me through tough times. I rode it home when I got the call that my mother was en route to the hospital after collapsing (she died that day). It was the first bike that I learned to do (minor) repairs on. It’s kept me a merely slightly overweight person instead of a small beluga whale. It’s has gone thousands of kilometres with me and was supposed to Ride the Rideau (http://www.ridetherideau.ca/) with me next year. I know it’s ridiculous to be attached to an inanimate object, but fuck, that bike was so important in my life. And now some dickhead has it.
Helen’s story made me laugh a lot; I’d love for my bike to have made its way to the sea or near somewhere that sells 99s, but as I live 700km (or thereabouts) from the ocean and even further from a British ice cream van, it seems unlikely. Unless the bastard thief has a lot of air miles. (Damn, now I want a 99.)
Becca, ‘What a pile of wank’ is now my friend Mark NotWatson’s new favourite expression.
A million thanks to all of you. And an especially giant thank you Mark for endeavouring to cheer me up (with all y’all’s help). It’s worked a treat.
Posted by Tibbs on November 5, 2010
I’m very sorry to hear that Megan! I know it’s a long shot, but I hope your bike is returned. As for fitting punishments for the evil-doers, I hope they have their mode of transportation stolen and that this then makes them realise what jerks they have been. Although that would then mean that whomever stole their thing would have to have something stolen in turn and so on and on until finally everyone in the world learns the lesson that STEALING PEOPLE’S STUFF MAKES YOU A BIG FAT JERK.
Posted by Suzanne on November 5, 2010
Three additional points:
1 A million congrats to DeborahF for getting that new job … hope it works out perfectly for you …
2 Can I have whatever Helen’s on???
3 GREAT “Kicks Off” again, Mark … and pleased it was shown in the Uni bar, Dan
Posted by Helen on November 5, 2010
Sorry to hear about this Megan. I hope your bike cycles itself into the home of the thief, wheelies itself up the stairs and into the room of the sleeping thief. It will use it’s breaks to whisper to the thief ‘Go to the Beaaccchhh tomorrow, Go On, Have a ’99, wear your best shoes’ and the thief will cycle to the beach, thinking they’ll have a lovely day, but in fact will the bike will have the last laugh. Leaving the bike propped up against a wall, the thief will have a 99, they’ll probably have two flakes, the greedy bastard that they are. And then BAM! your bike will knock into the thief, and the ice cream will fly into the air and land all over their fancy shoes. And then the seagulls will come and peck at their shoes and leave them in bits. The thief will run away and go and build a sandcastle, and BAM! the bike will strike again, knocking over the sandcastle. And then BAM! all the bikes that live at the beach will chase the thief home, and with no shoes on they’ll hurt their feet on the bare, stony ground. After high-five wheelies with all the other bikes, your bike will return home. And the thief won’t be able to leave their house for weeks and weeks due to the damage on their feet. And while the damage will heal, scars will be left on the souls of the theif’s feet that say ‘BIKE THIEF’.
Or I hope they just, you know, fall into a prickly hedge.
Posted by Dan on November 5, 2010
Kicks Off was showing on a tv in the Sheffield University Students Union bar. ITV4! In a student bar! In the words of Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama, What an honour!
Posted by Hannah Mae on November 5, 2010
I’ve come out of essay-induced hiding (“Pynchon and paranoia”, deadline 12am tomorrow, still no proper structure, I hate myself.) to voice a resounding BOO. That’s shocking, Megan. I hope that through some kind of cosmic ordering, tomorrow you’ll wake up next to a new bike. Our combined power is great; I reckon we could make it happen. Failing that, it warms my heart that this blog exists to prove that plenty of people are quite nice.
Posted by Natalie-Helen on November 5, 2010
What a wanker.
In a variation to a punishment already posted, I hope that the seat does come off and replaced by a pike with out the dirty thief’s knowledge, who then impales themself as they are forced to ride across the world apologising to everyone they have offended through this blog.
Also, never let me be a dictator.
Hope you find some other transport and that they get caught Megan
^_^
x
Posted by DeborahF on November 5, 2010
I second the “BOO” to these despicable offenders. I really don’t understand why they think they have the right to steal someone else’s stuff. As for fitting punishment, I like Phill’s idea to make them power your house by a bike/dynamo combo – I tried to power a TV once like this and god it was hard work. After a month of that they would never want to see a bike let alone steal one and bikes would be safe again once more – hurrah
So Megan, you have my sympathy, to add to the awesome power of the Watsonian Collective Goodwill (it worked for me). I hope you get back pedalling soon.
Posted by elsewise on November 5, 2010
That bike was an honorary member of our pub quiz team. It will be missed.
My husband suggests that the thief be forced to ride a bike downhill with the brake cables attached to his genitals… assuming that the thief is caught, is male, has genitals, is permitted to be near a bike ever again, and survives the full force of Megan’s death-glare.
Posted by Suzanne on November 5, 2010
That’s terrible, Megan … I don’t really hold out much hope but would love to hear that that your bike has been returned …
Thinking optimistically, WHEN the culprit’s caught and your bike is safely back in your garage, I think a very loud, firm NO accompanied by a severe finger wagging AND a crescendo of BOOOOOOOS would probably frighten and possibly puzzle them … and sticking pins in a model would also make him or her think twice before stealing again …
I love the other suggested punishments and recommend they should ALL be implemented … PLUS the scumbag should be made to blow up all the flat tyres in Canada … by mouth … for ever!!!
Posted by josie on November 5, 2010
Hopefully the sinister thoughts of the Watsonians will ensure the thief gets his comeuppance!
Posted by Misha on November 4, 2010
Alas exactly the same thing happened to one of the girls I go to uni with, her bike was stolen from the lock up in the carpark.
I’m considering the possibilities offered by hunting down the culprit and running them over several times with a bike.
Seems silly really, since another uni friend lost her phone, and yet that was handed in to reception a few days later. Madness!
Posted by Sam on November 4, 2010
Here is a t-shirt on the matter that should cheer you up. I have one and it always makes me smile.
http://www.threadless.com/product/1941/Missing
Posted by Josh on November 4, 2010
You need to get the money together for a new bike and then leave it where the last one was stolen.
The catch is that it’s booby-trapped.
Burn the fucker.
Posted by Simon on November 4, 2010
This is outrageous, in all aspects.
I hope the felons are caught and made to do community service and provide free bike maintenance for the whole of Canada for life. I think we could go a bit medieval too and force them to wear a bit of a bicycle, handlebars perhaps or break cables at all times so that EVERYONE will know that are evil bike thieves.
Posted by Nuala on November 4, 2010
A big old “Boooooo” to the bike thief. I had my bike stolen when I was at university (ok, poly). It was returned 10 days later with a new lock and new brakes! Lots of love to Megan x
Oh and Mark was in my local paper today. Turns out he’s on tour – who knew?!
Posted by Mitchel on November 4, 2010
I was outraged that someone would commit the horrendous act as to steal Megan’s bike… and out of her garage to boot. I know that Megan relies heavily on that bike as she rode it to our Dragon Boat practices each week, as well as it being her transportation to and from work. Those of us who know Megan are on the look out for the bike and if we find the thief will no doubt kick him in the nads.
Posted by JoC on November 4, 2010
When I was a kid my bike got stolen from our suburban garage too! Outrageous! I was secretly pleased as it was one of my brothers old bikes (black BMX- the ultimate ugliness to a 10 year old girl!) and it allowed me to get a bright PINK one next Christmas as a replacement. Then approximately 15 years later I had another bike stolen. This time I wasn’t so happy about it- it was only two weeks old and was the first bike I’d ridden since my beloved pink one. I wasn’t burnt for long though. Temporarily back on another old bike from my helpful brother before I could scrounge some more cash for a new one (red of course!).
So commiserations, I understand your anger Megan. Hope this won’t deter you from finding a way to get back to cycling.
Posted by Lydia on November 4, 2010
Megan, I’m sorry, that is such a crappy thing to happen. What arseholes.
I think you should be able to beat them with a bike. I think being beaten with a bike would make a person think twice about stealing one again.
I’m really sorry. I hope you’re okay x
Posted by MusicalLottie on November 4, 2010
Ergh, what a horrible thing to happen, Megan. I quite like the idea that the culprit falls off exceedingly inelegantly (and maybe painfully?) as you walk past whilst keeping the bike without a scratch. You could then choose whether to handle it with a smug superiority, or with uncontained glee that they got some sort of come-uppance, and then rightfully reclaim your bike.
Either way, you have the full sympathy and support of Watsonians.
Posted by Simon on November 4, 2010
Megan,
Sorry to hear about your bike. Speaking as someone with a long history of bikes being stolen (though never from my own garage!), I can feel your pain. I hope it wasn’t an expensive one.
Actually, I recently wrote a blog post about my new bike, which I hypothesised would definitely get stolen at some point within the next year. Perhaps I could hijack your sympathy comments and plug it here:
http://simonsaysthings.blogspot.com/2010/10/ive-got-bike_08.html
Thanks!
Posted by andrew on November 4, 2010
Oh and I bet if you make it over from Canada on tues we can rustle up a bike. There used to be one here in the burn xxxxxxxx
Posted by andrew on November 4, 2010
Hello hello. May I comment on these antics? Did you know I’m coming to the blackburn show. about ten in our group . that’s not too bad is it. perhaps you could comment on the failings of burnley fc. that would be savage. looking forward to it. I’m sort of doing my own project Preston too as I work there and will have to rush home.
Posted by Alot of rach[a]els on November 4, 2010
really sorry to hear about your bike Megan =[
I’d love a bike but know it’d get stolen straight away as it’d have to live outdoors.
I hope who ever took it falls off when you happen to be walking past so you can laugh, kick him/her whilst they’re down* and get your bike back.
*or no violence if you’d prefer
Posted by Ivan (@ivanbrett) on November 4, 2010
He who steals the bike should become the bike. That is all.
Posted by Phill on November 4, 2010
Someone who steals a bike like that should be made to pedal a bike to power Megan’s house so she doesn’t have to pay any electricity bills for the next month.
Megan, I am sending you lots of sympathy vibes!
Posted by Ingrid on November 4, 2010
Sucks! Sorry about your bike Megan! People who would do that are just such idiots (I would use a stronger word but… you know). I had my bike stolen a while ago only to find it broken up and rusted in the sea the next day! These people should be tied down (with bike locks for irony) and forced to listen to Justin Bieber for eterntey. The ultimate punishment! Hoping my and all us other Watsanians good wishes bring your bike back!
Posted by Anna on November 4, 2010
I hope the seat falls off and the thief gets impaled, arse first, on the bar the saddle was previously attached to. I hope they get their ankles caught in the chain and their feet get ripped off.
Posted by ediscott on November 4, 2010
I wish the felon to suffer terminal piles. Or at least for the seat to fall off.
Posted by JontyLarr on November 4, 2010
Not really a bright side to this – genuinely irked on your account. Who thinks it’s ok to just take someone else’s stuff? I don’t get it, and it annoys me.
Posted by Kate B on November 4, 2010
So sorry to hear of this mean and unfair act of crime. I really hope Mark’s blog and the comments make you feel at least a tiny bit better. For someone that seems like such a lovley person you really don’t deserve this, hope you manage to get a new one very soon. Or even better, I hope the person who stole it gives you a shiny new one that is even better.
Posted by Kristin on November 4, 2010
Bike thieves are wankers.
Posted by Joe on November 4, 2010
As someone who knows Megan, I know how gutted she is. If it’s not squirrels eating her plants it’s arseholes stealing her bike.
I propose that the offenders be eaten by squirrels, thus invoking some sort of saying about birds and stones. Never throw a bird in a greenhouse I think.
It is awesome to see this heinous injustice highlighted so prominently. Down with this sort of thing.
Posted by Becca on November 4, 2010
From your own garage?! What a pile of wank. I am sending all my fury and anger in their direction and hope this makes them fall off Megan’s bike.
Posted by Sara A. on November 4, 2010
This was so kind of you to post. Megan is a big box of awesome.
Posted by isabelle on November 4, 2010
Megan I am terribly sorry for you. I feel your pain, the day my own bike was stolen was indeed a sad one. I hope those responsible will eventually get their eyes gouged out by butter knives in a freak accident. karma.
On a brighter note, I suggest you get an old battered vintagey bike, they look cool and they don’t get stolen. And you have until next spring to find one! (unless you’re one of those people I see riding their bikes during snowstorms, for which in any case an old battered bike would not be recommended…)
Posted by David Marriott on November 4, 2010
I had a friend who had his bike stolen the day he went to check it’s ID number to get it insured. Gutted.
My condolences, Megan. Horrible things shouldn’t happen to nice people. Unfortunately, they do. But hey, at least your friends know what to get you for Christmas, right?
Posted by Tracey on November 4, 2010
Hi Mark. Very sorry to hear about Megan’s bike and I hope the thieves who took it may just dredge up the decency to return it although that sort of gesture is rarely made. I can only hope that the thieves get the same treatment as a bike – that they’re locked up. Although, it would be far more entertaining if a bicycle lock was actually passed through their limbs, locked and left them in a very uncomfortable position. I hope she gets it back. Tracey x
Posted by Rachael on November 4, 2010
This is an absolute outrage! What scum! I think the culprit should be fused onto a bike seat so that they can never get off, that’ll teach ‘em. Megan, I am sorry that you have been the victim of this horrendous injustice, I hope you feel better and the culprits are caught.
P.s. you have favourites now, eh?