Glasnost
Just back from Glasgow show, whose signing session was notable for:
-Woman of about 50 who sat unbidden on my lap and wasn’t too far away from kissing me on the actual mouth, in front of her HUSBAND. Who, in the meantime, was trying to get me to say hello to his son on a mobile phone. He seemed unconcerned his wife was all but sexually assaulting me. She said ‘best moment of my life’ as she was leaving.
-Gift of wine gums from audience member because I’d said I had a weakness for them, but I didn’t mention it till the 2nd half, HOW DID THEY GET THE WINE GUMS? Did they have them anyway? Or had someone tipped them off?
-A doctor who said, as I was signing her book, ‘I’m going to have leave now because I have quite strong palpitations’
-Requests to sign two nipples (male), a skateboard, and a purse. I did all of these.
-Requests to wear my glasses in photo. I reluctantly went along with this.
-And, gift of A PACK OF FIFTEEN PENS from Katie, AKA hoodedhawks, coming hot on the heels of the 20 pens from Misha. This pen thing is serious now.
…so I think I’d better post this before I pass out. This has been a punishing week. How better to end it than a lot of mad Scots?
Your challenge, aside from the pens thing, if you are coming to a future show, is to bring me the weirdest thing to sign. A skateboard is the current leader after tonight.
I’m going to have a lie down. With my Wine Gums.
Posted by john on October 19, 2010
glamlovin..well she did try to make up for it !!! x
Posted by Ingrid on October 19, 2010
I was really hoping to come and see you in glasgow but we had to go back to orkney the day before you got there… right place wrong time! Hopefully we will be down south again sometime in the christmas holidays, so i have till then to find something for you to sign!
Posted by Glamlovinkitty on October 19, 2010
John, I was in row B, and she was playing tetris or something on her phone. Not very polite behaviour for sitting in the front row of someone’s gig.
Posted by Tibbs on October 18, 2010
Ooh, I love a good challenge. I’m gonna have to ruminate on this a bit; good thing I have until December to come up with something weird to sign!
Posted by Rachel on October 18, 2010
Don’t think I have anything odd to sign…at the moment. Will get the friends coming to Halifax with me to think up something bizarre.
I do have a slightly odd request and a large collection of pens though.
Posted by john on October 18, 2010
glamlovin…leave my poor wife alone…apart from a period of boredom..not quite getting it..so played with her phone..for 5 minutes in the first half i dont think she was that annoying..and what row were you sitting ..this will act as proof that it was indeed us in front of you x
Posted by MusicalLottie on October 18, 2010
It’s really good fun reading about all of your shows – I wonder, for those of us who can’t attend anything, will there be a compilation of techniques / advice from your shows? I for one am intrigued by the mention of chasing people down the street, and booing … And the 50-yo woman sounds er, enthusiastic(!) way beyond even the call of Watsonianism
Oh by the way, I’ve had four first comments in the past few weeks without asking a question, so can I channel that all into one, really strange, question? When I meet people wearing glasses or see them on the TV, I try to work out whether they are long- or short-sighted, and roughly what sort of prescription they have based on the refraction [oddly enough] but I haven’t been able to work out yours from various TV appearances. So … my question is: what is your prescription, even roughly? (I did say it was strange.) (More parenthesis: I’m aware we may not still be going by ‘first comment = have question answered’, but this has really been bugging me!) [/geek]
Ahem.
Posted by John & Kerry on October 18, 2010
Ps
LOL
Posted by Glamlovinkitty on October 18, 2010
Mark, I would just like to say thank you. Not only was it a brilliant gig, but you saved us six quid as well. Because we hung around so late talking to you, by the time we left, the car park attendant had given up and gone home. Six quid is a total rip off charge for a couple of hours so I don’t feel at all guilty!
The 50 year old lady was sitting in front of me during the gig and being most annoying, btw.
See you in a few weeks.
Posted by John & Kerry on October 18, 2010
Great show on saturday. Very funny and hope to see you again soon!!
Just Boo-ed a woman in the office for not thanking me for holding a door for her!! Ignorance shall not be tollerated!! Boo
Loved the chase thing too, and the barrack obama part,
but whod have believed that in the end there wasnt even a kangaroo!!
I never seen that coming!!
John & Kerry
Posted by Julie on October 17, 2010
I think by the time I get to see you in February there won’t be anything orginal left for me to get you to sign – maybe I’ll just bring some paper!
Posted by Ryan on October 17, 2010
Hi Mark, was at the Glasgow show and thought you were incredibly funny! … I tried your idea of chasing some people in the street today … it went worse than I had imagined but all the same thanks for the show! ..
Posted by Daniel on October 17, 2010
mate, you forgot to mention someone gave you a bottle of magners 100% pear which you admitted, was a bit shit !! then they asked for it back, only in scotland
Posted by Josh on October 17, 2010
Can you sign my Alp-horn?
Posted by Laura on October 17, 2010
Why would you not want to wear your glasses? You look jolly nice in them. Or did I get that wrong and they wanted to wear your glasses, in which case that is wrong on so many levels. I can’t stand people touching mine, even my other half.
Posted by Mhari on October 17, 2010
Absolutely loved the show In Glasgow last night. I’ve never been to a show where the act has chased an exiting audience member before! Definitely the highlight of my week. Good luck with the rest of the tour!
Posted by Trevor sparkes on October 17, 2010
loved the Glasgow venue but don’t you think it was too big don’t you think it would have been better to book a portaloo.
Posted by Dave on October 17, 2010
Led-gend, last night was amazing… Let’s do it again
Posted by Jen on October 17, 2010
Amazing show in Glasgow last night.. loved the typing. who were you skyping though? was curious the whole night! When are you coming back? looking forward to it already. Jen x
Posted by Suzanne on October 17, 2010
Could this have been called Glas-snogged???
I’d like to know if a pack of 15 pens outranks 3 DIFFERENT pens??? And, is there a prize for the most unusual/strangest pen???
I’m all for entering competitions BUT where are the T&Cs, for heavens sake??? We need to know ALL the rules before channelling our entire brain power into winning!!!
Competitive, moi???
Posted by john on October 17, 2010
..and on returning home with my just 50 year old wife (you could have done her a favour and said 40 ish!!!) my son had called the social work dept….so it was pretty eventful night for us as well lol (your right doing that out loud doesnt work x)
ps tron or citz on your next visit to glasgow x
Posted by Tracey on October 17, 2010
Hi Mark. It sounds as thopugh the Glasgow show was very eventful!!! Once again, I’m sorry I couldn’t get there. I hope you’re enjoying your lie down with your wine gums. Take care, Tracey x
Posted by Rachael on October 17, 2010
This is quite the challenge, I wonder if I could get my goats before december…
Posted by Simon on October 17, 2010
Ipswich is going to be a treasure trove of strange items! Can’t wait.
Posted by Anji on October 17, 2010
Hmmm can I smuggle my dog in?! I have till feb to come up with something. I shall see what I can do! Hmmmm
Posted by Andrew on October 17, 2010
Damn, I thought being stuck at work at 8 o’clock on a Sunday morning I was in with a chance of first comment. Fat chance. Ah well, I suppose I’ve got the double time to compensate me.
Posted by Kathryn on October 17, 2010
I am stuck for something random to get signed. I left most of my random stuff at home. I have 2 1/2 weeks to plot… This should be interesting.
Posted by Connor Maguire on October 17, 2010
was at glasgow show LOL and it was amazing LOL, wonder what ever happened to the guy u chased after in the white top LOL !
did u love my LOL’s ?
Posted by Misha on October 17, 2010
Katie is a woman after my own heart. And also fucking lovely. A truncated comment as i’m sitting on a wall on the edgeware road waiting for a night bus and fearing for my life/phone.
Posted by Trevor sparkes on October 17, 2010
Just back from the Glasgow gig. well if u call it a gig more like a toon of people watching a guy with a mic being extremely funny. Loved the signals you are trying to send out you no chat to your fellow human don’t be afraid to start a conversation what’s the worse that could happen. Well apart from them stabbing you or maybe they are a suicide bomber. Wouldn’t like to try and talk him around to get him to change his mind. Maybe he could go ahead with it but only put half the effort in and maybe only blow up half his body. Now that would be a happy ending. Anyway sorry I didn’t come over to say hi/bye at the end but I didn’t think you would want to sign my Peter Kay book that I had brought along. Keep up the good work regards Trevor paisley.
Posted by DeborahF on October 17, 2010
Ok something weird happened then I managed to post a comment on a completely different day’s entry – and I’m supposed to be a genius with IT!
So here it is again, in the right place….
——————
Well I’m coming to the Derby show on Tuesday which doesn’t give me much time to come up with something weird to sign. I will get my thinking cap on.
Anyway, glad to hear the Glasgow show went well and I’ll be sure to say hello on Tuesday.
Posted by Rachel/Pandora on October 17, 2010
Mark, if we’re talking bizarre things to sign, does a rubber duck not take the lead? If not, then prepare to be surprised when me and Helen come to the show in Nottingham…
Posted by Someone on October 16, 2010
Haha sounds like the crowd were swooning left, right and centre for ya tonight. Can’t be bad.
Posted by lisan66 on October 16, 2010
I’m not coming to see you (sorry) but I just wanted to say thanks for making me laugh a bit. I’ve been doing a theology essay all night, and this has made the night not as terrible as it would have been had I not read the blog. Am I even making sense?
Posted by Katie on October 16, 2010
I kind of wish I’d brought something weird now. Not just 15 pens. Dammit.
Posted by Zoe Fell on October 16, 2010
I have plenty of time to prepare for the Plymouth show.
Prepare and hoarde.
Mwahahahaha.
Posted by Aislinn on October 16, 2010
i bloody love a challenge, me.
pens and odd signing requests on their way!
Posted by Daniel on October 16, 2010
Sir, I accept your challenge! At Ipswich, prepare to be baffled!