(Give) coffee (a) break
Contributions to the Very Late Review have already started coming in, and normally I don’t weigh in with my own opinions. However, it’s already clear that unless the pendulum of opinion swings drastically in the opposite direction, coffee is going to score very poorly. A huge number of people seem to consider it undrinkable, too bitter, generally swill-like, and absolutely inferior to tea.
Now, I am a lifelong tea-drinker through and through, so the last point doesn’t upset me. But the general distaste for coffee does. It’s normally impossible to change someone’s taste when it comes to food, as it’s so subjective – why, only earlier on Twitter I laid into the whole idea of cucumbers. But I do feel coffee is misrepresented in this country, so I wanted to speak out briefly in its defence.
What many people think of as coffee is instant coffee, things like Nescafe which you buy in jars and make up by adding water. This does indeed taste pretty awful unless you add a mountain of sugar, and will also do awful things to your guts if you’re not careful. Then there’s the coffee you get in Starbucks, Costa and similar chain establishments. This is much better-quality, but it’s made with the lack of love you’d expect in chain stores, so it’s fairly mediocre. But THEN you get what I would call proper coffee, made from a fancy Italian machine. You can get this from slightly more upmarket cafes, or make it yourself at home. It is a different world from what often passes for coffee. It’s an awful lot nicer.
If you lived in, say, Melbourne, you could march into almost any establishment from a glossy restaurant to a dental surgery, demand a latte, and walk away feeling pretty cool about life. Or Rome, and no doubt other places besides. For reasons which aren’t clear to me, in the UK we don’t have the same culture of Decent Coffee Drinking; the crappiest instant versions seem to be interchangeable with the real deal.
Many people on this blog have complained, in the past, of lack of motivation, tiredness, general feeling of being overwhelmed by life’s challenges, energy shortages, all this kind of thing. I can’t help thinking coffee would help some of you out big-time. In relatively small doses it can make you, as one Commenter remarked, buzz like a hummingbird. (I guess hummingbirds hum, technically, but any time I get the chance to be likened to a hummingbird, I’ll take it.) For me, since Kit was born, it’s been the difference between staggering everywhere like a dead-eyed phantom, and only staggering SOME places like that. I also doubt I would have got ‘Eleven’ written without it.
It ain’t tea. You can’t beat tea for comfort, morale-boosting, warming up on a grotty day, and so on. But it certainly does have its uses.
Probably nine-tenths of the people who claim to dislike coffee will be unmoved by this plea for clemency. But all I’m saying is, make sure you’re trying the nicest possible incarnation before you write it off. If even one person, in the weeks and months ahead, puts the words Coffee Convert Comment in this blog, I will be delighted.
And on the subject of odd acts inspired by this blog, yesterday (at the Stoke show) I got my first biro, from Beth, the legendary Youngest Watsonian. She scored a bounty of Where’s Watson points and I… well, I got a pen. Which makes me happy. It doesn’t take much, sometimes.
Posted by Andrew on October 17, 2010
Would this be a good time to say that tea is really, really horrible?
Thought not.
Posted by MusicalLottie on October 12, 2010
Coffee and tea;
coffee’s much stronger than tea -
Wise men should leave it alone
for it makes them skin and bone.
Better by far to be
simply a drinker of tea.
I can’t get past the smell of coffee. My Mum has one decent cup per day – of proper coffee – and even the smell makes me feel a little sick. When we were younger, we’d dunk bourbon biscuits in my Dad’s tea; a few times I tried to dunk one in Mum’s coffee and it tasted disgusting each time.
That said, I wasn’t much of a tea drinker until a year or so ago when I discovered Earl Grey, and then realised how teas taste different. Then I became somewhat of a tea fiend; at the last count we have thirteen different types of tea (herbal, fruit, and green all counting as one ‘type’; within those we have numerous variations)!
Also, cucumber is The Best. The best what, I’m not entirely sure, but it truly makes a sandwich. Yes, if said sandwich is squashed it will go soggy – but the same is true of any sandwich with a vaguely moist filling. For me, the slightly soggy yet flavoursome cucumber is the best bit
Posted by Ingrid on October 10, 2010
Posted by Adam K on October 10, 2010
I’m gonna nitpick a bit here. If you went into a cafe in Melbourne and asked for a latte, I’ve no doubt you’ll get a decent cup of coffee. I f you asked for one in Rome, though, I’m more inclined to think you’ll get a glass of milk. You’d have to ask for a caffelatte. Probably. [Removes pedant hat]
Posted by Sue (DiB) on October 10, 2010
Coffee haiku (probably not in keeping with haiku rules because I’ve forgotten what they are).
Coffee is OK
Beans nicer than instant, but
not my cuppa tea
Posted by Beth (Bloomability) on October 9, 2010
*hands over crown/cape*
There’s you go, Ingrid. *sheds tear*
You are now officially the Youngest Watsonian. Make sure you look after that title, it took a lot of hard work to earn.
My good friend Ellie will now comfort me in my retired state.
Posted by Ingrid on October 9, 2010
oh and P.S Im 14, and won’t be 15 till next june! So does that make me the youngest?
Posted by Ingrid on October 9, 2010
Reading this blog has inspired me to try coffee again, as it is something i really do wish i liked. After two weeks ill see if its grown on me!
Posted by Lydia on October 9, 2010
I love good coffee. We have a weird possibly italian metal brewing jug type thing which makes seriously good coffee.
Posted by Hannah Mae on October 9, 2010
I love both, it just depends on the occasion. I associate coffee with waking up/doing work/”let’s get this done!” type moments of productivity, whereas tea is more comforting and I generally drink it when curled up watching tv/going to bed etc. I’ve been feeling oddly homesick at uni over the last week (no excuse for it really, because this is my third year) and endless cups of hot, understanding tea have got me through moments that fired-up, go-getting coffee couldn’t. Hmm… my anthropomorphism of beverages sounds a bit mental in hindsight. You can tell it’s freshers week and that I need sleep. Or perhaps coffee.
Misha, does this mean you’re going to the Bristol gig on Thursday? I might see you there, if I can guess what you look like! Mark, I have a feeling you’ll be inundated with pens. Sorry!
Posted by Irwin on October 9, 2010
Douwe Egberts Pure Indulgence is really good instant coffee.
I love tea. I get upset if I go a day without at least one cup.
But coffee does score over tea in one major way:
it tastes better with whiskey added to it.
Posted by Corey on October 9, 2010
I love tea and after 8 in the morning will always favour a cup/mug……..but……..the smell of freshly ground coffee is superb and I rely on a strong one first thing in the morning to set me up for the day. Its pretty much essential now.
Posted by Laura on October 9, 2010
I am one of the unmoved, I’m afraid. In actual fact, and to my permanent shame, I didn’t even read most of the post until you confessed to it not being tea. First time I have ever skipped through part of your blog, so that just goes to show how much I really fucking hate the stuff. Even the ‘good’ stuff. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
I am now off to make a big fat pot of tea and eat some cake.
Posted by louisel on October 9, 2010
I’ve only ever had coffee once, and it was disgusting. I was at a gig, and I was so cold that I decided to give it a chance … biggest waste of £2 in my life! It was lukewarm, in a polystyrene cup, bitter and generally horrible. I was crushed at the bar for about twenty minutes waiting for it, and I missed Oasis’ first song as a result. I’m still annoyed about that, but I guess it isn’t coffee’s fault.
Your plea has convinced me to forget my prejudices and try some of the nicer coffee at some point (if I remember)
Posted by Rachael on October 9, 2010
Improving the taste doesn’t get rid of the awful smell problem. I will give the coffee some credit for helping you write ‘Eleven’ though.
Posted by helen on October 9, 2010
I don’t drink coffee, in fact if any guests to my house can only be offered a selection of odd-smelling and daftly-named tea. Green tea and mango anyone..?
xx
Posted by Heather Jones on October 9, 2010
I’m a tea drinker and an occasional real coffee drinker. My parents never drink tea, only instant coffee – in fact they much prefer instant to real!
Reading this blog brought to mind the Inkspots classic Java Jive (I love coffee, Iove tea) so I googled the lyrics. There are some odd lines in there – raw onion with your coffee anyone?
I love coffee, I love tea
I love the java jive and it loves me
Coffee and tea and the jivin and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
I love java, sweet and hot
Whoops! Mr. Moto, I’m a coffee pot
Shoot me the pot and I’ll pour me a shot
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
Oh, slip me a slug from the wonderful mug
And I cut a rug till I’m snug in a jug
A slice of onion and a raw one, draw one.
Waiter, waiter, percolator!
I love coffee, I love tea
I love the java jive and it loves me
Coffee and tea and the jivin and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
Boston bean, soy bean
Lima bean, string bean.
You know that I’m not keen for a bean
Unless it is a cheery coffee bean.
I love coffee, I love tea
I love the java jive and it loves me
Coffee and tea and the jivin and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
I love java, sweet and hot
Whoops! Mr. Moto, I’m a coffee pot
Shoot me the pot and I’ll pour me a shot
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
Oh, slip me a slug from the wonderful mug
And I cut a rug till I’m snug in a jug
Drop me a nickel in my pot, Joe, Takin it slow.
Waiter, waiter, percolator!
I love coffee, I love tea
I love the java jive and it loves me
Coffee and tea and the jivin and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup
Posted by Tracey on October 9, 2010
Hi Mark. I’m a tea drinker myself – PG Tips, Earl Grey, Lady Grey – quite a few in fact. My husband drinks both tea and coffee. He doesn’t like the “flowery scented tea ” that I drink but where the coffee’s concerned we grind beans and I love the smell of ground coffee beans first thing in the morning, it’s gorgeous. I love the smell of coffee and coffee flavoured things, I just can’t drink the stuff! Take care, Tracey x
Posted by max on October 9, 2010
Coffee is not so expensive, people!!
Just get a percolator or a french press and you are settled. Those magical devices will last for years and are super cheap compared to a real espresso machine while giving you real quality drinks.
I can drink coffee in any of it´s incarnations (always black, no sugar or milk will ever pollute my delicious beverage) but it´s true that there is a SIGNIFICANT difference between a good coffee and a crappy one.
Don´t rule coffee out until you tried a nice cup made from real beans in a real machine. It´s easy and not expensive at all.
Posted by Anna on October 9, 2010
It’s no good, you won’t convince me. My mum had a proper coffee maker when I was growing up, and I still think coffee is pure evil in liquid form.
Cucumber, on the other hand, is great- especially sticks of it, straight out of the fridge, given to teething babies to chew on. Used to keep the boy quiet for ages.
Posted by Sue (DiB) on October 9, 2010
I always think that coffee smells a lot better than it tastes. Saying that, we have a coffee machine at work and it takes little discs/pods (or whatever they’re called) of different strength coffees and dispenses frothy milk so in the time it takes to make an instant coffee, I can make a nice latte or cappuccino. Consequently because the kitchen always smells of coffee I’ll have a latte every morning before I start work, then I drink tea for the rest of the day.
Also, in the kitchen there are about a dozen different types of tea. I like the weaker ones like Lady Grey, Earl Grey, Prince of Wales etc, but sometimes if I need a stronger hit in the afternoon I’ll have an English or Irish Breakfast tea. If I need an even bigger lift I’ll go for another coffee, but usually tea will hit the spot. I see coffee as a sort of sinful treat really. What with the extra caffeine, milk, and sugar (I don’t have sugar in tea).
Cucumbers are a different story, they are the work of the devil (if I believed he existed). I ALWAYS pick them out of a salad sandwich. I don’t know how anyone can like cucumber.
Posted by Tibbs on October 9, 2010
I still say your dislike of cucumbers is CRAZYPANTS. Cucumbers are delightful and delicious, especially if your grandmother grows them in her garden and slices them up in a small bowl with a little bit of slightly salty water. Yum.
But then, despite the eloquent argument in its favour in this blog, I still find even the smell of coffee enough to turn my stomach, so I guess I should just accept that not everyone has the same tastes as I do.
I have, however, occasionally benefited from chocolate-covered coffee beans, as a stop at the near-by Fair Trade coffee place was a mandatory part of the early morning trip to my archaeology field school site a few years back.
Posted by Kathryn on October 9, 2010
I love coffee. I gave it 10/10. It’s not the reason I’m commenting at 2:45am though. That would be alcohol.
Proper coffee is excellent but it’s looking to be a bit expensive for my student budget. I’ll have to endure the instant stuff for a while yet.
Posted by Maddie on October 9, 2010
I drink so much coffee that when I don’t have it, I get migraines.
Whilst they are not so good, to me, coffee is the best drink to ever exist. It has helped me through so many uni assignments, I really owe a lot to it.
Mmmm Coffee.
Posted by CATHERINE RACHIDE on October 9, 2010
I don’t drink coffee regularly. Only once and a while, for a treat. It’s a crap shoot on how it’s going to effect me. I never know if I’m going to get buzzed out of my mind or not.
However, I do like coffee, brewed. Nescafe or any other instant is just gross. My parents used to drink that stuff, and they drank it black, nothing in it. It’s no wonder my father had to give up eating and drinking almost all things fun. His stomach must have had a massive hole in it. Since the invention of Mr. Coffee, Mom brews decaf. Not worth the effort, though, in terms of taste.
Good night.
Cathy x
Posted by Lauren on October 9, 2010
I work in a coffee shop in Melbourne! I didn’t like coffee when I first started working there, but when the coffee is free and your shift starts at 6am, it makes sense to drink it. That was how I got used to the taste and now I love it.
And instant coffee is easier to drink if you put in a spoonful of honey instead of sugar.
Posted by ChrisP on October 9, 2010
Best not too rely too heavily on caffeine though, really really messes up your sleep cycles and anybody of prefers caffeine to sleep is clearly crazy, probably due to lack of sleep.
It’s mostly stressed out parents like my Mum who have a caffeine fix, and students (not including me). Oh and I don’t like the taste much but then again I don’t drink tea either but…. on your recommendation I will give it a go some time. Odds really are not in your favour here though Mark.
Posted by Misha on October 9, 2010
If you were excited by one pen next thursday will blow your mind /teaser.
I feel I should concede that I do actually rather like “proper” coffee, as it’s known in our house. Alas i’ve already hit that stage of student thriftyness where I felt too ill to eat earlier, and found myself pleased because I was then able to save tonights dinner for tomorrow. I digress; the point is that I like nice coffee, but I can’t really afford it. And also coke (evil) and pro plus (sinister) give a much more spectacular caffeine boost.
I have the feeling this comment is one massive digression vaguely addressing the subject of coffee.
Posted by Beth (Bloomability) on October 9, 2010
Glad you appreciated the biro ^_^
I’ve only ever tried coffee once, and someone told me to try it with golden syrup in it to make it taste nicer. It didn’t work, but I’m not sure whether that was down to the syrup or the actual coffee.
Posted by deanna on October 9, 2010
coffee culture in NZ is fantastic – we have lots of little cafes that aren’t chains like starbucks where you go in and they make the most fantastic coffee drinks from big machines with real beans…nomnomnom.
I don’t drink tea, it tastes like someone has drained water through a muddy sock and heated it in a rusty pot.
Posted by lisan66 on October 8, 2010
I gave coffee a mixed review, but I don’t drink tea either…maybe I just don’t like hot drinks or caffeine?
Posted by Hal on October 8, 2010
Love coffee, used to live in France and had something of an expresso habit. Sadly since a serious stomach illness I can’t tolerate caffeine anymore….there is no acceptable decaf on the market.
It’s something of a modern-day tragedy. Pity me Mark.
Posted by Laurs on October 8, 2010
I can’t back down on my thoughts on coffee. In fact, the strong stuff makes me feel more ill than instant stuff.
On a different note, back home from seeing Mark in Birmingham tonight, fab show, really enjoyed it, laughed out loud constantly! Was lovely to meet you afterwards too.
Thanks for a great night! x
Posted by Josh on October 8, 2010
I would like to state that, as I said in my original post, I am a great advocate of everything apart from instant coffee. And actually, I am occasionally partial to a cup of freeze dried. To be honest I don’t know why I scored as low as 6 but I did and I NEVER BACK DOWN.
Posted by SamJJ on October 8, 2010
I had abstained from coffee for years as in part attributed it to migraines. Since George was born however I have acquired a bit of a coffee habit. With a young baby you sometimes just need that extra bit of help coping with lack of sleep.
Since the move to Brighton I have sampled lots of different coffee shops, there are some cracking ones but the best (IMHO) is Marwoods, Mark check it out when you’re here next week. They also do awesome cake, don’t forget the cake!
Xx
Posted by Anna Lowman on October 8, 2010
I can’t remember not drinking coffee, so I was clearly introduced to it at a pretty young age. On Sunday mornings when I was young, I’d go into my mum and dad’s bedroom and we’d have a coffee and a biscuit, preferably an aptly-named Morning Coffee, which you don’t really see much anymore. Or a Sports biscuit, and I’d try and guess which sport I was going to get.
A bit of coffee nostalgia there for you.
Posted by Megan on October 8, 2010
Hear, hear!
This might be my favourite blog post of the challenge so far. Coffee runs through my veins (even though I grew up drinking tea too – my grandmother was of German extraction, but really thought she was from the British aristocracy (though, I suppose that doesn’t preclude it being true) and took afternoon tea very seriously).
I understand the pain of not being able to find a decent cup of coffee in the UK, though. Even a cup of cheap-o diner coffee here is luxury compared to those instant Kenco cups you get on British trains. That having been said, even at my brokest overseas, I tried to make the effort to keep caffeinated with good coffee. Much of my MPhil dissertation was written in a Caffe Nero in Harborne for that reason (I can make a £1.95 espresso last AGES).
I do find it baffling, though, that even in London, it’s tricky to find even a chain store coffee place open after 8pm. Why is that?! I live in a snob city, though, in a country that is fuelled by Tim Horton’s coffee. So I can get good, fair trade coffee almost anywhere in town for most of the day, or a less swanky one any time of night. Even the falling-to-bits cinema where I work serves the good stuff. Mmm. Coffee. Perhaps I will go make some now.
Posted by Anji on October 8, 2010
Ah you’ve made feel something for coffee! I haven’t commented on yesterdays review as I felt coffee needed a break! I’m lactose intolerant and so have sort of gone off hot drinks. Not that I can ever claim being fully into them.
Although I now feel like I want to go to some far away land and drink proper coffee all weekend, I’ll settle for a hot chocolate, now that my friends is the king of all hot drinks, the queen being hot ribena!