Sneak preview
Work continues on the new Can I Help You?, but the sheer volume of interesting queries means I’ve not quite succeeded in wading through them all yet. I think I’m going to split them into two separate blog entries. But even then, I haven’t quite finished. So do be patient for a while longer. Should be ready tomorrow. These are definitely the best and most moving/complex/interesting questions so far. I’m very optimistic the blog, or blogs, will be a cracker/two crackers.
In case anyone is thinking ‘I do hope Mark had a pleasant day today, why isn’t he telling us?’, I should say that today has been lovely. I’ve just been settling in to Melbourne. It’s a very easy place to settle into, that’s why I’m here in the first place. It always reminds me of a British city, but with fewer people, and more 20s architecture, and nicer wine. I’m hoping to live here one day.
So, I’m writing my new book. I wrote a lot of ‘Eleven’ here and I am writing the follow-up here while I get the chance. It’s almost meaningless to give you even the sneakest of sneak previews, because it will probably change so much between now and publication that anything I say now is almost irrelevant. But just to whet your appetite:
-It’s a murder mystery.
-It’s to do with the TV industry.
-It’s about people turning into vampires. I’ve taken a look at the contemporary literature scene and realised that that’s what sells, these days. So all my characters are the undead.
I’m joking about the last one. All the characters are ‘undead’, but only in the sense that they are ‘not dead’, i.e. alive.
Just a few words on the phrase ‘whet your appetite’, used above. A lot of people write it as ‘wet your appetite’ and don’t trouble to think about what that actually means. ‘Whetting’ means sharpening something, for example a knife, when you rub it against a rock. Hence: ‘whetting the appetite’. Annoys me slightly when people get this wrong. If it was ‘wet the appetite’, it would probably mean the opposite – to dampen the appetite down.
Other misheard popular phrases:
‘He did it off his own back’ – the phrase is ‘off his own BAT’. It comes from cricket, where you’re only credited with runs which come off your own bat, i.e. you hit the ball yourself. However, interestingly, ‘off your own bat’ is so widely used that it’s now become a phrase in its own right. Which shows that, in English, even if you’re wrong, you can be right, as long as you’re persistent enough.
‘He could care less’ – for some reason I can’t understand, Americans and sometimes Canadians say this when they mean ‘he COULDN’T care less’. Obviously, if you say ‘I could care less about ancient history’ then you’re saying that you DO quite care about it – which is the opposite of what the phrase was invented for. But this continues to happen quite a bit. This isn’t the biggest problem in the world, but it is a problem. North Americans, sort it our for me, will you?
‘Solid as a frog’ – the phrase is meant to be ‘solid as a ROCK’. Admittedly, I just made this mis-hearing up because I only had two and it wasn’t enough to make a feature. If you have a common grammatical or syntactical error that makes you a bit annoyed, though, let’s have a conversation.
Ooh, I also don’t like it when people start things with ‘an’ because of a following ‘h’, it sounds wrong. E.g. ‘an hilarious film’. But this is more controversial.
For further not-very-well-substantiated linguistic prejudices, I refer you to one of the first blogs I ever wrote, entitled ‘I Mind Your Language’. I think it was some time around February 20.
As I say, tune in tomorrow when they’ll be more substantial fair on offer. And by ‘as I say’ I mean ‘as I said’, and by ‘they’ll’ I mean ‘there’ll’, and by ‘fair’ I mean ‘fare’. God be with ye (goodbye).
Posted by Chloe on October 9, 2010
I’m right there with you all with so many of these – my friends think I’m ridiculously pedantic (which is probably true) but at least I now know I’m not alone.
I’m surpised that nobody else has mentioned pretentions though. By that I mean: using longer ones than the ones they mean… incorrectly.
i.e. ‘myself and john went to the park’ instead of ‘John and I went to the park’
‘I spoke to yourself last week’ instead of ‘I spoke to you…’
I also hate the misuse of ‘absolutely’ when the speaker means ‘yes’.
Posted by asif khan on October 8, 2010
Am I the only one to notice a blatant typo here. He writes “However, interestingly, ‘off your own bat’ is so widely used that it’s now become a phrase in its own right”.
He should say “‘off your own back’ is so widely used”, isn’t that the point?
Posted by Lydia on September 13, 2010
The “could care less” thing has always bugged me too! Whenever people say it I always think how it doesn’t make sense and wonder if I’m just being crazy. Now I know I’m not. Thanks.
Posted by ShineUrShoesGuv on September 13, 2010
Oooooh and people that say brought when they mean bought !!! And don’t get me started on pacifically
Posted by Phil Addington on September 13, 2010
Easily the most annoying, and daftest, mispronunciation has to be ‘misproNOUNCiation’. I’ve heard that a few times; even on Radio 4 (horrors!). My favourite malapropism (at least I think it counts as one of those) is: ‘ you wait until the receiving end is on the other foot’. A girl I worked with 40 years ago came out with that one and just couldn’t see what was wrong with it. I have to admit, if you don’t think about it too much it kind of sounds ok!
Posted by Sue (DiB) on September 13, 2010
So many people say basgetti? Everyone knows it’s not basgetti, it’s pahsgetti.
I may have said last time “my bad” is the phrase that irritates me the most. If anyone says “my bad” to me I reply, “grammar?”
Posted by Sue (DiB) on September 13, 2010
So many people say basgetti? Everyone knows it’s not basgetti, it’s pahsgetti.
I may have said last time “my bad” is the phrase that irritates me the most. If anyone says “my bad” to me I reply, “grammar?”.
Posted by Rachael on September 13, 2010
Oooh ‘could care less’ is incredibly annoying, how did it become so widespread? why don’t people listen to what they are saying?!
Posted by Tibbs on September 13, 2010
I would like to go on record as having only ever used “couldn’t care less”. I’m sure the rest of North America will follow my shining example. Any day now…
I normally try to take a descriptivist approach to language (languages are constantly evolving and not necessarily logical, etc), but there are still a few things that really bug me, like the “could care less” and “an” before a hard ‘h’, and ANYONE WHO PRONOUNCES IT “LIBERRY”. THAT IS NOT A WORD, STOP IT YOU MAKE MY BRAIN HURT. I think that might point to how much of a nerd I am, that the word “library” is the one word I really can’t stand to hear mispronounced.
My mother is so much worse than I am, though. I’ve be walking along with her, only to suddenly realise that I’ve gone half a block without her because she’s staring into a restaurant window fuming about the misplaced apostrophe in their menu!
I’m exited about the new book; sounds very interesting! I finished Eleven this morning, despite my desire to take my time with it; I just couldn’t put it down! It was absolutely wonderful and I will be recommending it to everyone I know.
Posted by Britt on September 13, 2010
Agreeing with a few of the above comments: “would of” and “could of” bug me to no end. The conditional past tense is such a basic grammatical concept… and don’t even get me started on the correct use of apostrophes.
Posted by Rachel Winter on September 13, 2010
Whoops I posted that a bit abrubtly while dusting my keyboard!
Never mind, that was pretty much it.
Posted by Rachel Winter on September 13, 2010
You want to live in Melbourne? Wow, I really facny Australia but don’t think I could conceive of living anywhere other than England (permanently anyway).
I get annoyed when I see ‘should of’ or ‘on pins and needles’ I’m not even sure if its ‘on tenterhooks’ or ‘on tenderhooks’ but pins and needles?!
not semantics but it bugs me people always quote a ‘rose by any other name’ in the wrong sense.
Ooh and ‘break a leg’ – I was told (no idea if its true) that the ‘legs’ are the pully things for the stage curtain, so to ‘break a leg’ means you’ve had a lot of encores.
Posted by Josh on September 13, 2010
I’ve realised I have an un-grammar-related pet peeve (although I hate the phrase “Pet Peeve”). I cannot stand people who cheer after the first line of a song, as if they’re surprised the performer can actually sing.
Posted by soo on September 13, 2010
Too many to list in full, but a small selection follows:
you’re and your
there, their and they’re
could of
lets instead of let’s, e.g. lets go to the pub
its and it’s
asterix instead of asterisk
arCtic, when referring to an articulated lorry
incorrect use of apostrophes
the fact that my Droid just corrected apostrophes to catastrophes…
There are many more!
Posted by Laurs on September 12, 2010
Ah a subject matter close to my heart! So many things drive me insane! I hate it when people say things like ‘he was the most fastest runner in the race’ or when the wrong tense is used.
I encounter examples of poor spelling and grammar all the time and I get so cross. I have had to stop correcting my friends when they make mistakes now for two reasons, firstly I’d be there all day and secondly, I quite like my friends and I’m not sure how long they’d put up with me if I kept doing it!
Posted by MusicalLottie on September 12, 2010
‘Bascetti’, ‘pacifically’, ‘has ran’ (no, they ran, or have run) ‘you was’, etc. Or, should I say, ecsetra *headdesk*
Misused apostrophes bug me beyond belief (woohoo, alliteration!) and an ex-colleague used to call Ashridge (as in, Ashridge Estate, National Trust site, where we would take the children for walks) ‘Asbridge’. (She also used bascetti and pacifically – a lost cause!)
An+hard-h = grammatically incorrect. I don’t see why this is controversial; I’d never heard an+hard-h until I heard a newsreader say it, and I wanted to slap them. Since then I’ve heard it far too often from public figures.
Enjoy Australia Mark!
Posted by Al Kennedy on September 12, 2010
The one that gets me is where someone is trying to decide between two things, for instance, and they say “I’ve got two choices.” They have one choice; they have two options.
Posted by Misha on September 12, 2010
For some reason I find the idea of you living in aus all the time weirdly unsettling, I think it’s because i’m now so tense about uni the idea of any change to anything ever anywhere is liable to send me into a small melt down.
As for misused phrases, I used to know a girl who determinedly claimed it was basgetti not spaghetti. I kicked her.
Posted by ShineUrShoesGuv on September 12, 2010
Have to agree with Aislinn on the 110% thing.
Wetting your appetite – I can maybe understand the thinking behind getting this one wrong – if you’re looking forwards to nice food and salivate (wet) you could wet someones appetite by just giving a taste ……. No ? Just me?
Posted by lisan66 on September 12, 2010
It really annoys me when English teachers correct the phrase ‘It does be…’ because eventhough I know it’s not actually correct English grammar, it’s correct Irish grammar and it’s used in spoken English, but only in Ireland. Eg: It does be raining all the time’ is meant to be ‘It rains all the time.’
I’m sorry if that’s confusing, but it annoys me a lot.
Posted by heatherooo on September 12, 2010
My best friend was texting me recently, and was talking about how she was due to get paid soon, and said “When my money comes in, I’m going to have an absolute feel day! It’s going to be superb!”
I corrected her, and she told me I was an idiot, and that of course she didn’t mean “field day”. Then a few days later she apologised for calling me an idiot
She quite regularly makes similar mistakes, but I don’t always have the heart to correct her…
Good to hear that Melbourne is all good. Your description sounded lovely to me. Especially the part about nicer wine. Nicer wine is definitely a selling point.
Posted by Phill on September 12, 2010
I, too, get annoyed about ‘could care less’. It just doesn’t make any sense that way round! – well, not the kind of sense which the speaker is trying to imply.
Whetting the appetite is another good one, although I don’t see that very often.
I read a whole article about this kind of thing a few weeks ago (common misspellings or that kind of thing to do with expressions), I wish I could find it again because I’d post the link up here!
One which does annoy me is ‘rediculous’. Oh, and the difference between complementary / complimentary – which actually has started to appear on roadsigns etc! The difference between the two words is now virtually eroded. In fact one of my coworkers recently told me she didn’t even know there was a difference.
Anyway, fetch me my cup of warm milk, my pipe and slippers, thank you, and I’ll just sit here talking about how much better it was in my day.
Posted by amycool on September 12, 2010
Thanks Kathryn!
Posted by Katie on September 12, 2010
I like the idea that ‘solid as a frog’ will catch on and be a much used phrase 10 years from now. It could be your annoying catchphrase!
Posted by JontyLarr on September 12, 2010
Spooky, I was just thinking about the off his own bat/back thing on Friday.
On the subject, a friend of mine recently made reference to wanting to change her name “by depot”.
Posted by Kathryn on September 12, 2010
Roy’s mistake is “damp squid” instead of “damp squib”, which made me laugh trying to remember it.
“Could of” annoys me because it makes no sense. I get very easily annoyed by poor grammar.
The new book sounds interesting.
Posted by amycool on September 12, 2010
I like it in the IT Crowd where Jen says “pedal stool” instead of “pedestal”. Then Roy makes a mistake but I can’t remember what it was. Anyone?
I wish I didn’t get wound up by obvious errors but sadly I do. “Could of” annoys me a lot.
Posted by K on September 12, 2010
Re: the an/a h- thing, when I were a lass it was explained as a class thing, where yer toffs would have the ‘an’ and silence the ‘h’, and yer oiks would have a / h, but I was always dubious (it would make Cockney h-droppers toffs, for one!), and anyway I think the usage has changed over time. It works for, for example ‘an honour’ where we would now find it odd to pronounce the h, but not for ‘an hospital’, where the h is now fixed. It’s when people mix and match, so say ‘an’ with a pronounced h, and vice versa, that it grates.
Also, not a phrase, but people who say ‘pacifically’ when they mean ‘specifically’ make me instantly stabby.
Posted by Anna Lowman on September 12, 2010
On the ‘an h’ thing, I think it totally depends – I, obviously, would never say ‘an hotel’ but I could imagine saying ‘it was an historic occasion’, were I commentating on a coronation, for example. Generally it’s pure pretension though.
As for misused phrases: the proof is NOT in the pudding. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. Thank you.
Posted by Aislinn on September 12, 2010
One thing that bugs me is when people can’t use percentages and likelihoods in the correct way. On the TV earlier, a woman had a question with three possible answers. On picking an answer, she stated that ‘there’s a one in three chance that I might get it right.’ I automatically said ‘There’s a one in three chance that you WILL get it right.’ That sort of thing annoys me very much. Also when people say ‘I’m going to give it 110%’ as if that is a LEGITIMATE amount of effort to put in. It is NOT. Percentages over 100 only ever occur in mathematical/scientifical situations (I’m pretty sure. Feel free to correct me on this.).
That is all.
I’m glad you are having a nice time in Melbourne, but am secretly jealous that you wish to leave London to live there one day. (If anything, I’d like to gain maximum Where’s Watson? points.)
Posted by elin on September 12, 2010
Good that you’re good!
I’m already looking forward to this book, no matter what it’s about! I finished Eleven the other day, I tried to read it on the tram, and, well, I did, but then I couldn’t stop reading so I spent all morning in my studio reading instead of working… same happened with a light-hearted look at murder. Oh, and bullet points! So, you have successfully destroyed my plans on three days by writing very good books.
I forgive you.
And these language things make me nervous to write comments, I love the English language, but I know I make mistakes and I hate that… Maybe I need to move to the UK next year after I’ve finished my masters degree…
Posted by Michael King on September 12, 2010
“An historic event” seems wrong to me, but is probably right (Wikipedia, that most trusted of sources, says both ‘an’ and ‘a’ are acceptable *shrug*). If it’s to do with phonetics, as I suspect, then saying “an hour” or “an X-ray” is correct, while saying “an hospital” or “an hero” is wrong, because the ‘h’ is a hard ‘h’, if there can be such a thing. Therefore, I would say “a historic event”, with the ‘a’ sometimes being elongated (like the ‘a’ sound in, well, ‘elongated’).
Another misheard phrase that gets me is “can’t hardly” (double negative). *shudders*
Posted by Declan on September 12, 2010
When people say ‘a damp squid’ instead of ‘squib’. Surely squids prefer to be damp and as such must find it annoying to have their constant state being referred to as a disappointment.
Posted by Josh on September 12, 2010
“An hostage crisis” is right though, or at the very least a matter of perference.
I hate the misconception that you cannot start a sentence with “and”.
Posted by Megan on September 12, 2010
Ugh. “I could care less” is one of my biggest pet peeves. I used to read it in children’s book (by American authors) when I was young, and it didn’t make sense to me then either.
I also hate “doggie dog world” instead of “dog eat dog world” and almost any computer/technology word used to describe human activity. (Example: “I’d like to interface with you in person about that”.)
Glad to hear Australia’s treating you well. I’ve been pondering a trip there for years, but the expense and distance and my pathetic vacation time (especially as, if I’m at that end of the Earth, I’d like to go to New Zealand too) are making it difficult to plan.
Posted by Someone on September 12, 2010
Oh as much as I dislike the thought of nice people who I like absconding to far-off reaches of the world, ‘a British city, but with fewer people’ does sound quite appealing. I’ll visit one day but for now nowhere is lovelier than here.
.
As for annoying phrases, I really quite dislike it when people (mainly American ‘stars’ like Beyonce and Usher), answer almost every interview question with “Most definitely.” It annoys me no end. (Sorry if that in itself is an annoying phrase, but.. what can you do.)
And as for using ‘an’ before an H word, there’s a Bottom episode (that may actually be my favourite, called Carnival, though I love them all) where Rik takes the mick out of it when trying to think up “an hilarious accident caught on tape” such as “an dog on an skate board”… You probably had to be there… but everything he does is genius as you all should/probably do know. Ahhh
Yay new book. I think you could write a good vampire book actually. Line up the ideas, go on.
Posted by Mariam on September 12, 2010
There’s an episode of David Mitchell’s Soapbox where he discusses a couple of phrases used in America that make no sense. He talked about ‘”I could/couldn’t care less’, and I think the episode was called ‘Dear America’. If you haven’t already seen it and you’ve got a few minutes to spare, you can watch it on youtube.
I quite like ‘solid as a frog’, though. I might start using that.