Shirt happens
I have to give you some sombre news, today.
Many of you will have seen me, either live or on TV, wearing one of my favourite T-shirts: dark green with a sort of silhouette of a bear on it. I bought it for the last ever 24-hour show (unsanitary as it probably is, it was always a little superstition of mine to wear the same T-shirt throughout a marathon show) and it acquired a special place in my affections. I only have about four T-shirts I will wear to perform in. This is better than in some periods of my career (for a while it had to be a particular Super Furry Animals shirt, and then the yellow Socrates one, but the washing demands of a one-shirt-strategy were much too steep) but it is still a bit limited. So this bear T-shirt has cropped up quite a bit over the past months. At least two readers of this blog have a Facebook or Twitter photo which includes me wearing it.
Wouldn’t it be awful if something happened to that T-shirt?
(Gulp.)
So, last night as usual I was signing books after my show. But unlike usual, it was pissing down with rain - we’ve been remarkably lucky with weather this Fringe, until last night – and I had to conduct the signings in dusky half-light under a big umbrella, in a shadowy area of the courtyard. I could only just make out the people I was signing for, and failed to recognise two separate blog readers who are such loyal fans they have essentially become friends.
I had a glass of red wine, my favourite drink/thing, in front of me.
A girl called Charlotte turned up with some friends and they posed for a photo with me (it sounds pompous saying that, but, well, people do sometimes like to do this after shows, un-famous as I might be). Charlotte shares a room at uni with my sister Emma (not THAT Emma Watson, but you can imagine how much she loves people remarking on it). I initially failed to recognise Charlotte, because (a) it was dark (b) she was behind a camera, or at least her face was. Then she announced herself and I began to shake her hand, but it seemed a rather formal and distant gesture; I wanted to be more welcoming, especially given that I’d created some awkwardness by not immediately clocking her. So I initiated a hug. She leaned in to the hug, not seeing, in the shadows, the glass of wine on the table, which tipped over and spilled onto my BLOODY T-SHIRT and jeans.
Disastrous.
All this was witnessed by a blog ‘lifer’, Zoe Fell, who was said afterwards to be too shocked to speak.
Of course, Charlotte was very apologetic, not least because I had another gig to go to – a fundraiser for Amnesty – and had to find another shirt from somewhere to avoid turning up looking and stinking like a boozehound (which I may well be, but I try not to make a feature of it at charity shows). This problem was easily solved at the gig, where I was given a fetching Amnesty T-shirt. But the main problem was, of course, not going away. My T-shirt was stained with a huge dark splotch of red wine, which – I know from years of experience – is the most unshiftable of substances.
To put it more brutally, the shirt was ruined.
I did try a bit with salt and white wine and I will put it through the wash, of course, but red wine on a garment is like snake venom in your leg: you have about 30 seconds to react before it kills.
So, a terrible day for all those who have been attached to that T-shirt, chiefly me. It wasn’t really Charlotte’s fault (although I am sueing her for £25,000) and it wasn’t really mine. But it happened. And we have to move on.
As we all know, this blog is all about optimism – when it’s not about many other things – and as we also all know, the Chinese have the same word for ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity’ (‘crisitunity’, as Homer Simpson guesses in one episode). So, although the shirt may be gone, I pledge that I will find a replacement. I will wear the bear again. It was made by some people called Ames Bros. I will go on their website right after posting this. I say again: I WILL WEAR THE BEAR AGAIN.
Every end is a beginning. Every shirt with wine spilled on it is another shirt waiting to get close to my skin. Onwards and upwards!
(Pause)
Bit of a shame, though.
Posted by EmmaT on August 22, 2010
Are you sure it is not salveagable? I went to Royal Ascot and was wearing a cream dress (French Connection – not too cheap) and I managed to spill red wine on it not once but twice in the space of two hours. It was a mess, I looked like a boozehound and I was distraught that this brand new dress was ruined. Alas, I gave it to my mother (I knew there was a reason I still live at home) and she, along with a hefty amount of vanish, mangaged to make the red wine… well, vanish. The dress is a good as new and it lives again to have more wine spilt down it at a later date.
All may not be lost.
Posted by Anna Lowman on August 22, 2010
Goodness, the drama I missed after I left! Keep the old one for posterity and get a new’un to wear, that’s what I say, rather belatedly. Really lovely to see you, inclement conditions notwithstanding x
Posted by Anji on August 21, 2010
Someone has all ready suggested stain devil – it once got permanent marker pen out of my then favourite gray wool type jumper! I loved that bottle of stain devil for a very long time and used it on countless other things I thought lost – sadly not red wine so can’t promise results for you!
I remember hearing baby wipes are good with red wine, as in getting it up with staining – but would guess it needs to be wet n fresh.
Good luck!
Posted by Kate B on August 21, 2010
I came to see on Thursday night and I got a lovley picture of you (in your bear shirt) signing you’re new book for me
My happiest moment ever! I’m sorry your t-shirt was ruined, it was a bloody nice one too. But at least the last gig you did wearing it was a good one (only one person walked out!). Hopefully you will find some consellation in these sympathetic comments and learn to love you’re new Amnesty t-shirt.
RIP bear shirt
Posted by Laura on August 21, 2010
That’s the sort of thing that, when it happens to me, makes me cry. I share your pain, I really do.
One of my friends spilt scary amounts of red wine (mostly her own – she was very drunk) all over her wedding dress. Oh dear. She left it in a bath of water all night (well, her new husband did this – she was in no state to even know what a bath is) and most of the stains came out, but it will never be quite the same. It was a lovely dress, too.
Posted by Rachael on August 21, 2010
This is heartbreaking news indeed, good luck on your replacement quest.
Posted by tiberius on August 21, 2010
Hello Mark,
Im a lecturer and an examiner, students are not getting better. It is the system and the government that is getting worse. The strictness to marking is out of the window as each college strives for a numbers game and offsted money. Simple truth. The exam questions are virtually given out by lecturers and teachers but refined in word so not attract any deception. The education system in this ocuntry is going to the dogs. Find out, investigate and you shall see im spot on. All the examiners and lecturers are working with the principal of colleges and schools.
Posted by Nuala on August 21, 2010
Lakeland do a product called ‘Wine Away’.
Posted by Lydia on August 21, 2010
Lol, if I was you I would probably keep it anyway as a memento type thing.
I have ruined more clothes then I want to remember. It has got to the point where I can’t own anything white, because it only lasts a few days before I have stained it. Kind of embarassing, really.
Posted by Beth on August 21, 2010
RIP Bear shirt.
I feel for you, I’ve lost one of my favourite checked shirts recently. It was due to a rip rather than a stain, but still. I hope you do find a new one though and that the Bear is not lost.
You could also try Vanish stain remover and see how that goes…?
Posted by Daniel on August 21, 2010
My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. I sympathise, only last week my dad put one of my favourite (white) tshirts in the washing machine with a pink sheet. Long story short, he cut it up and set fire to it. No, it just went a bit pink.
Posted by Alot of rach[a]els on August 21, 2010
I was happy that you were wearing the green shirt last night as since the 24 hour show I’ve seen you in it every time I’ve seen you (all 6 times)
It was a great show last night and nice meeting you and getting Eleven signed. Forgot to say how much I enjoyed the book.
Posted by ChrisP on August 21, 2010
That’s a shame.
I do like the optimism though, I always think that when I trash a tee there is always a special place for it in the shed for cleaning the bike with. The bike shed is where t-shirts go to RIP for me. Little consolation in this case though I would imagine.
But seriously red wine stains aren’t the end of the world, washing products are miles better than they used to be; my mum can get any kind of stain out of just about anything, she uses biological washing powder (not chemical) which I think makes a difference in these kind of situations. Infact just give it to her.
I recommend trying every suggestion on the board till it comes out the worst that can happen is it gets 2 sizes smaller. And give it a good soak too.
@Ally, I have been following the aussy news, just in case- hung parliament = bad news!
@Megan I’ll have a size M please
Posted by Carl on August 21, 2010
Farewell, bear.
Welcome, bear.
Posted by Hannah Mae on August 21, 2010
That’s a very moving story. I echo what everyone else says, though: don’t give up yet. I’m very clumsy and seem to douse half my clothes in nail varnish/wine/blood (usually in that order if it’s an evening out on the town) but very few items have proved beyond saving. And even if your tshirt is, wear it in all its wine stained glory as a boozy badge of honour or something; the stains are sort of fitting with the fact that you’ve worn it through arduous 24hr shows and whatnot.
Posted by Rick Procter on August 21, 2010
Keep the shirt dood. Horribly stained as it might be, and however little you’ll wear it from now on, it will nevertheless always be a memento to remind you of not just this blog post but the whole of this year’s Edinburgh. And indeed all the other exploits you got up to whilst wearing it. Clothes have destinies too, just like the rest of us.
Posted by Shell on August 21, 2010
Ah the green 24 hour show t-shirt – the inspiration behind the background colour for the New Scottish Time badges lots of us have…
Don’t give up on it yet. First try washing it on a low temperature with some Vanish Colour stain remover in with the normal powder. Then let me know – my mum has performed some ace ‘rescues’ on clothes I’d given up on.
Basically – if you are at the point of binning it then it is worth trying a few tricks.
Bon chance
x
Posted by Ally on August 21, 2010
That’s such a pity
I managed to do something similar to a favourite shirt of mine. It was very disappointing. On another note, I’m rather excited because I just voted for the first time in the Australian federal election! I don’t know how many blog readers are Australian – I recall that there are a couple, so I don’t know how relevant this piece of information is. But exciting all the same (despite the dullness of this election in the first place). I think that the results of this should feature in a blog over the next couple of days 
Posted by Misha on August 20, 2010
No!
Incidentally both the photo’s I have in which are contained both of us you’re in that shirt, and I’ve only ever taken one photo on my camera where you’re wearing a different one.
On a shirt saving note, try vanish, and if not fairy liquid and a nail brush.
Really, I once got a horrible blood stain out of a friends pale blue hoodie with fairy liquid alone. For anyone worrying, I was (as usual) barefoot when I caught my foot, caught a vein and spurted blood most dramatically, the hoodie was sacrificed to clean me up, then saved!
I digress. Save the bear!
Posted by lisan66 on August 20, 2010
I just threw out my favourite jeans ever! They always fit perfectly, no matter what, but they were ripped so much form being worn constantly! I’m in mourning at the moment! I hope you get a new tshirt.
Posted by Katie D on August 20, 2010
Band of Horses have some Bear t-shirts that are lush. Gurt Lush.
Posted by Kathryn on August 20, 2010
I’ve lost count of the tshirts I’ve spilt coffee on. It never gets easier.
Posted by Rachel Winter on August 20, 2010
that is v sad indeed.
but yes i was only thinking today the weather has actually been amazingly un-rainy for about 10 days now (think since about thurs 12th?), its quite discombobulating.
and as for hugging/not hugging, i’m never sure what to do. especially seeing you last night, how many meetings/years before it is acceptable to hug someone you essentially don’t actually know?! Hmm.
Posted by Zoe groom on August 20, 2010
Ohh dear. That is a shame indeed for you Mark. Poor Charlotte though I hope she doesn’t beat herself up about it too much. Consolatory hugs all round xx.
Posted by Ivan (@ivanbrett) on August 20, 2010
I recently lost my favourite grey cardigan. I still don’t believe I’ve really lost it, but I know it’s not anywhere where I’ll find ever ever. So…it’s lost. I liked me in that cardigan, I was nice. I was bloody lovely. So maybe I’ll go and buy another one like it, or just get something different to replace it. Either way, you feel like you’ve lost something of yourself when you lose a favourite piece of clothing. It’s like a limb, or organ, or something.
I feel for you there, Mark. Good luck in replacing the bear shirt!
Posted by Aislinn on August 20, 2010
I had the t-shirt of an American artist who rarely comes over to the UK, so I was really pleased to finally grab it at one of her shows.
I was wearing it when, painting my nails, I tipped the nail polish pot upside down, a bit like what you do with empty ketchup bottles/shower gels to get the remainder out. What I didn’t realise was that my sister had filled the nail polish pot up with nail polish remover, so as I unscrewed the lid (rather foolishly still upside down) watery green stuff came gushing out and ruined my t-shirt.
You can’t even get them online. Sob.
I know how it feels (I think everyone here does).
Posted by Someone on August 20, 2010
Aww, shame indeed! Nice optimism practice though.
Worse things could have happened and all that.
Meanwhile, I still wish I were up there in Edinburgh! So gutted again, for one more year of not being there. Next year I am there no matter what, though I bet it’ll be the one time it’s rubbish and when none of the awesome people eg. la Watson actually turns up for whatever reason. I hope this is not the case though, and that you’re there with a new unblemished bear shirt.
Also, finished Eleven yesterday and loved it. I find it hard to find books these days that I actually WANT to read, over watching TV, whereas I used to read all the time. Your books are an exception though… and I should probably put all this in an amazon review. And shall do, soon. Meanwhile, please write more, soon. Thanks!
Posted by Adam on August 20, 2010
I similarly tore my favourite t-shirt that I had bought from a shop in Australia, in a motorcycle crash. I was devastated and never got that same t-shirt again. However, I bought a new t-shirt (that was definately not as good) so every cloud eh?
Posted by Nuala on August 20, 2010
I had a t-shirt that I wore all the time. It was a Madness one that I got at Madstock, Finsbury Park 1992. In late 96 I wore it when I had my first baby. Needless to say, it had to go in the bin. Have been looking recently on the Internet for a replacement. Still looking x
Posted by Dawn on August 20, 2010
Sorry to hear about your t shirt but have you tried a Stain Devil?
Posted by Megan on August 20, 2010
RIP Bear shirt.
Reminds me, though, that I have some t-shirt silkscreening ideas in mind, though. If any turn out awesomely, I’ll maybe check and see if you (and the followers at large) want one.
(Just heard you for about a second and a half on the Friday Night Comedy podcast just now, BTW.)