I'll tell you what's funny
Just if you happen to read this before about 9pm.
I’m about to record a Channel 4 show where I have to do some stand-up. Luckily, I am a stand-up comedian so this should be within the compass of my abilities. It’s late night, so I can be quite rude. I’m keen to do some of my material which hasn’t been on TV too much before, to avoid a situation where people glance at the screen and say ‘ah, there’s that useless twat who always does a joke about Father Christmas.’
The thing is I quite often forget jokes which I had years ago, or even months ago, and they stay forgotten for some time – sometimes until somebody says ‘oh, I like that joke of yours that goes…’. Occasionally this leads to truly confusing situations, as when someone complimented me recently on my routine about losing my luggage. ‘Funniest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, mate.’ I was pretty modest about it, as I kind of had to be, what with it being Rhod Gilbert and not me he was thinking of.
So, I’m not doing this to wallow in nostalgia for my magnificent career of wisecracks to date, but can anyone think of some funnies by me which are not generally in the public domain, which might be suitable for this sort of thing?
Thank you. I’ll update this later with a report on what happened, plus some other crap that forces its way through the fug of fatigue which continues to wrap itself round my brain like that bloody ash cloud you used to read about.
Posted by Matthew Evans on July 7, 2010
Too late but couldn’t resist posting my favourites…
I once saw you do a routine about a train that you’d travelled on for some time that suddenly stopped at Birmingham as it had no driver. “How did we get here then? Did someone just give us a big push at London?”
Smug people on Orange Wednesdays (no cancer tariff) and the dog that was upgraded to a wolf.
In a hotel you used to get a key that opens your door, now you get a card that doesn’t.
Your Grandad killed a bear once…
Posted by Andy Gibson on July 2, 2010
I like the stuff about being mugged. Always amusing to hear about a mugging.
I also remember the first time I saw you and being highly amused, but many of the funnies in that play were improvised one liners.
Posted by martin on July 2, 2010
I also like your joke about that Australian band doing 5 songs and coming back out for an encore. ‘ do some work you idle piece of Shit ‘ Haha classic.
Posted by martin on July 2, 2010
The one about British people being so sarcastic that we take yeah right to mean no wrong.
Posted by martin on July 2, 2010
The main one for is me is the routine you did about Britain being a sarcastic country. Where yeah right means no wrong and you thought noone in Australia believed a word you were saying because they say yeah right in the sense it means yeah right.
Posted by Laura-B on July 1, 2010
I still smile to myself everytime I type “queue” into predictive text.
With not having the Welsh accent anymore it won’t work, but one of my favourites was always about syphillis sounding better coming from a Welshman.
Posted by Aislinn on July 1, 2010
Simone is spot on, the HIROSHIMA!/sneezing thing was what had me doubled over laughing. That was bloody brilliant, that was.
Posted by Lydia on July 1, 2010
I hope all went well [:
Posted by glamlovinkitty on July 1, 2010
Sorry, that should be a LOT of funny looks. My brain is mush. Screw you guys, I’m going home!
Posted by glamlovinkitty on July 1, 2010
I regularly listen to your ‘substantially better’ stuff on my commute and ALWAYS snortle out loud at the ‘I didnt know I had to revise for this wee’ story.
Between you, Minchin, Tripod and the DO’D, its not surprising I get a look of funny looks from my fellow passengers.
Posted by MusicalLottie on July 1, 2010
I’m looking on YouTube because other than on TV shows (mainly BBC … ) I’ve not actually seen any of your comedy. People have mentioned your accent before, but, what happened to the Welshness? It’s all gone!
Posted by Tom on July 1, 2010
Hi Mark
long time listener, first time caller. I’ve just been reading your tweets about NatWest on Twitter. And I can sympathise. How I can sympathise. God, what a truly awful, shitty little bank.
It all started about 6 weeks ago, when I opened 2 accounts with them, along with trying to open a joint account with my wife. I had been a reasonably happy business customer, and thought they would be the way to go.
Big mistake.
To cut a long, dull and painful story short, the gigantic arse who I opened the account with managed to never call me back or do anything he was supposed to, lost the copies of the wedding certificate that I dropped into the bank, and when I went in to complain, wouldn’t look me in the eye. When I pointed out that as I was talking to him, he might want to make eye contact, he said:
“Looking you in the eye isn’t important to me.”
I pointed out that he was rude, and left. Being English and middle class, I decided to write a letter of complaint. I sent one off, and was told that I would hear from someone within 10 working days.
Imagine my total lack of surprise when I didn’t.
In the meantime one of my cards got eaten by a machine for no reason, and despite being very clear about which one to cancel, I got replacements for all of them.
I rang up and pointed out that their customer service was non-existent, and that my branch (Hammersmith), and this particular employee who shall remain nameless (although if you were to guess his name were Spencer Illidge, that would be a good guess) was an incompetent and rude nincompoop. Despite being promised a call from the manager, none ever came.
So I closed my personal accounts. Two hours later, the manager, Sanjay, rang up and asked me to come in to see him to see if we could resolve things.
So out of curiosity, I went along. He brought me into a room, and after addressing me as Mr B.. asked if he could call me Mark. I said that as my name was Tom, that would be wholly inappropriate. He stuttered and gibbered for a while about how he would try and make things better, and then gave me his card, saying that hopefully he could give me the personal touch to make things better. The personal touch like getting my name wrong, I asked?
The upshot? NatWest can kiss my fucking arse, the incompetent bunch of ignorant cockmonkeys. I’m closing all my accounts and going to Lloyds. Ulitmately I think all banks are shitkickers, but I’d rather bank somewhere that doesn’t obviously hold me in contempt.
Anyway. Sorry. Felt I had to get that off my chest. Love the blog. Would love to come and see you in Putney tonight, living nearby, but my wife is 2 days overdue with our first, so it’s going to be a no. I’m blogging (anonymously) about first time fatherhood, so no doubt will be in touch plugging it once I’ve built up a head of steam.
Cheers!
Posted by Madeleine on July 1, 2010
Al just reminded me of the delete all contacts bit, that is really funny as well! Going to make me smile all night now – Thanks both of you!
Posted by Al Kennedy on July 1, 2010
Oh, and the Steve/queue predictive text one too. “Steve wasn’t even there” makes me laugh just thinking about it.
Posted by Al Kennedy on July 1, 2010
The one about kicking a stranger in the arse is a good ‘un, and I love the one about your phone having an option to delete all contacts.
When I write them in that massively reductive way, I’ve made them sound not very funny. Sorry. They were definitely very funny.
Posted by Jonty Larr on July 1, 2010
In terms of slightly edgier material that’s made me laugh out loud on a train, there are few better lines than “Ghandi was everything that we all want to be. Except shot.” And the ensuing “Graeme Ghandi” phonecall-spelling material. Not sure if this fits into short stand up slots very well, but it definitely gets my vote.
Posted by Simone on July 1, 2010
I’m looking forward to seeing the show!
I think the story that Ash is referring to was about your father in law (?) who sounds like he says “Hiroshima” when sneezing? Hilarious.
NAGASAKI!
Posted by elin on July 1, 2010
Way too late, but I must say I’m quite fond of the connect four suicide. I have heard it twice though, on makes the world substantially better and the now show…
Posted by Madeleine on July 1, 2010
I know this is too late, but just in case for next time! Sorry if i don’t have the details correct, but I’ve only seen you live once, two years ago and I generally have trouble remembering shows more than 15 minutes after I’ve seen them, other than a general feeling of “ah. That was funny”. I don’t know how much this is in the public domain in Englang but the story about that man who tried to pick you up on the train and you considered going with him so as not to cause a scene is hilarious. And where you talk about your mother “those blue eyes, some day a strange man is going to touch you on the train”.
Posted by ChrisP on July 1, 2010
I have to admit I’m not really that familiar with most of your work, apart from a few appearances on the better BBC shows (you can guess which show which I’ve already expressed my reservations on does not fall into this category) so most of what I know comes from good old youtube.
The sketch when you talk about your ongoing fear of you wife dying really strikes a chord with me for some reason (DO I LOOK DEAD? Er, no angry if anything…).
Frisbee would be up there too. And the ‘Mark sounds like any old noise, and rhymes with “doing drugs in a park” bit.
Again, I don’t really know many of the MW key texts like some other blogtributers, I really only know the stuff that’s been on TV/web come to think of it so I’m not much use, can only look forward to hearing the new material in a few weeks now (and catching up on the old stuff). More shows is the answer here I think.
Oh talking about shows I saw a poster of you for a gig in town the other day, do I get 0.1 of a point in the Where’s Watson game for that?
Posted by Alice on July 1, 2010
I’m a bit late to the game, but I agree with everything Adele said. Kicking people for no reason and throwing keys off bridges. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen some quite funny things) and the memory of it always makes me smile.
Posted by Iona on July 1, 2010
Sorry this is too late but I agree that the pigeon ‘hit by a bird’ joke made me laugh so much my stomach hurt.
Posted by tothesky on July 1, 2010
I’ve always loved your ‘all rascists look the same’ joke. I was quoting it for days after seeing you live last year! Also have to agree with the toilet on train story, did that one include something about a useless lime? My favourite one ever though is the connect 4 Watson championship – always makes me laugh
not sure if you’ve done it on tv though I know you did it on your Radio 4 series. Hope the recording went well! Any details on the show?
Posted by Misha on June 30, 2010
I’m afraid I can’t think of any. It’s nearly midnight, and i’m in victoria coach station. Frisbee?
Posted by Natalie-Helen on June 30, 2010
Fabulous news that you will be on TV! I love hearing my fave jokes etc over and over but that is what You Tube is for. Can’t suggest anything I’ve heard of yours too much ( but many people on here would argue there is never too much of you ^_^)
In totally other, rather fab news, I’ve achieved my First TYSIC. Went to the University of Liverpool’s School of History yesterday and found out I got a 2:1 in modern history and politics.
Can’t believe I’m announcing that to you guys and haven’t actually told any of my friends outside of the internet. Be honoured blog fans.
^_^
xxx
Posted by Aislinn on June 30, 2010
OH YES it’s clearly far too late now, but what Adele said about wanting to kick the man in front of you who was wheeling a suitcase, I think very slowly. That had me in fits of hysterics wherever it was I heard you do that.
Also, there was something you did at Live At The Chapel not too long ago where I genuinely was a bit worried I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing, and me and my friend talked about it afterwards – I can’t remember what it was, though. Ha. BUT I do have the vaguest recollection of it being something to do with your father or grandfather or something. Either way, it was brilliant.
Posted by Megan on June 30, 2010
I dunno, have you done the bit about walking in on a lady in a train loo (part of the saying-what-you-see problem that involved several funny stories)? It was basically my nightmare scenario come to life (and I couldn’t stop laughing).
Posted by Rachael on June 30, 2010
I was going to say pigeon in the face too, doesn’t matter how many times I hear it it never gets old. tehehe.
Posted by Katie D on June 30, 2010
PIGEON IN THE FACE!! Literally, when I was at your Ashford gig a few weeks ago, I wanted to ask you to do the joke/story, which is ridiculous because me and a friend of mine talk about/ chortle “pigeon to the face” everytime one flys in our vicinity!
Posted by Adele on June 30, 2010
Well, I don’t recall if this is in the public domain or not, but I heard you do a bit about someone wheeling a suitcase in front of you and there was this build up to you pretty much just kicking him randomly. I remember almost hyperventilating with laughter at that one and I’m even smiling to myself now just thinking about it.