Can I Help You? 3
UPDATE: Thanks to amazing work from Meg, who salvaged this from the RSS feed or something, here is the blog after all. I can only apologise now for my overreaction before. Some bits are still missing, and I’ve got no idea what it’ll look like when I post it, but I’m just going to do it and go ‘la la la’ and not look at it. Anyway, enormous thanks to Meg and to everyone who weathered my little tantrum. What drama!
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Welcome once more to Can I Help You?, the occasional Agony Aunt column I run on this blog, undeterred by the fact I’m not an Agony Aunt and it isn’t a column. I asked for questions/problems/insecure rants a couple of weeks ago. Think I’ve dealt with most or all of them; if I’ve missed yours, please let me know. In Comments for this blog, you can (and should) add your own thoughts on any of the ‘letters’ – quite a lot of people have already done this, when they were first posted – and also submit anything You’d like answered. OK?
Here we go…
MEG I cannot sleep. Well. I can. But not much. Every night for the last week or so, I have been going to sleep at about 1am at the earliest. I go to bed at about 9 or 10 each night and I’m getting really bored of lying awake. It’s also really annoying since I have to get up at 6.45 in the morning to get ready for school.
Several people have supplied tips on this. Among them: tire yourself out with exercise; go to bed a bit later; if lying awake, get up and do something else rather than worrying about it. I heartily agree with all three of these. And Megan posted an interesting article. Good luck Meg. As I’ve said often on this blog, sleep should be your slave, not your master. Relax and trust your body. PS I have a baby; haven’t slept properly in what feels like 55 years.
LYDIA I was just wondering how you stopped your pessimism from stopping you doing things.
Like, I really, really want to be a writer…but I am way too sure that I will fail to ever let people actually see stuff that I’ve written. It would be awesome if you had any advice on that.
Pessimism is a hard foe to overcome. I’ve been lucky that my desire to write has always been so ferocious, it’s won over my tendency to fear failure or assume I AM a failure. This doesn’t extend to all areas of my life. There are plenty of times when I duck out of doing things – having a chat, asking for something I want, putting myself forward for this or that TV show – because pessimism tells me it won’t work out. When it comes to writing, I am bloody-minded enough to think ‘I’m just going to have to do this, regardless’. If you want to be a writer enough, you will find a way to put things on paper, however scary it can be. Remember nobody has to see it. Just write it. Confidence comes from the process itself as much as any results.
ANON Hello. Basically, there is a girl I have known for quite a few years as part of my social circle, and always quite liked. About a year ago, we became good friends, to the point that she is now my best friend… So, basically, I can ask her out, which would mean I get a yes or no answer. Yes would be amazing, and I would be over the moon. No would mean that not only would I have been rejected by her, but I would not have anyone to talk to about it, as talking to her would be very uncomfortable. There is also the fact that I am unsure if she still likes her ex-boyfriend. On top of that, I am aware that two of my friends have asked her out, and she has said no, but not why, which could be a good or bad. No matter which it is, both times were incredibly stressful for me, as I was there. Trying to not show the feeling of dread I felt when they each asked her nearly killed me… So, to sum up, my social life is a massive cluster-fuck, and because of it, there aren’t many people I can ask for help without the risk of making it even worse. I know you can’t give a definitive answer, because there isn’t one, but someone else’s perspective on my situation would be very helpful. Thank you.
Hmm. When I was in sixth form I too had the misfortune of fancying my best mate. I can tell you what I did about it: never said a word, and watched her go out with unsuitable men forever. Then school ended, we went to uni, now we’re married to other people and it’s pretty much all fine.
This sounds patronizing but I’m saying it because it might be worth remembering that if you DO ask her, and it goes wrong, it won’t be the end of the world; if you never ask her, it also won’t be the end of the world.
A lot of the trouble comes from the whole notion of ‘telling someone how you feel’ and ‘asking them out’ and so on. In my limited experience, things are usually not as simple as this. People tend to get together in circumstances that weren’t planned, which run away with them. Even if it was on their minds before. So my advice would be – think about making a move, but not by sitting her down and doing a speech. Get into the frame of mind where it could happen, then wait for events to conspire towards it.
This is slightly rash advice perhaps, many would tell you to ‘not spoil the friendship’, and that may be true, but I reckon if it is a firm friendship, it will survive the embarrassment of an abortive declaration of love, and it’ll be an adventure. And life’s too short not to tell someone if you feel like that. And see this comment below which someone left right after yours:
‘My last post for Can I help you? asked whether it is a good idea to tell someone you love them, even if you aren’t sure they feel the same (or know you exist). I’m glad it wasn’t answered because people may have said ‘DON’T DO IT! Are you insane, woman?!’ As it was, I made my own decision, and it was a good one. Very good XD . sometimes insanity is a blessing.’
…so there you have it, maybe. Good luck and let us know what happens.
CYMRUANGEL Can you help with the following:
My boyfriend works for a small company…he tends to do nothing all evening, then start work at 11pm, working into the small hours of the morning (most recently until 5am). He then complains about feeling tired and drained, and has no energy to do things, including daytime work (although of course he goes into the office as usual anyway). He also wakes me up when he (eventually) rolls into bed as I’m a light sleeper, so I’m getting tired and irritable too…
How do I persuade him to work at more sociable hours, for the sake of his health and sanity? I will go into a period of a lot of work in the Autumn, and had thought about bringing things home with me rather than staying in the office late, and encouraging him to work at the same time as me – what do you think, and do you have any other ideas?
Definitely setting an example by bringing your own work home, and setting ‘working times’, is a good idea. Organising your home life in this slightly school-like way may seem a bit of an unattractive idea, but trust me, a long-term relationship needs these kind of concessions to survive.
Aside from that, this is easier said than done, but I think you need to talk to him, making the case you’ve just made. TELL him that he’s risking his health and sanity and also making your life less fun as well. He will probably respond to that. It’s for his own good. Point out he’s exhausting himself and it’s not good for your relationship or for anyone. I’m speaking as someone who is a night owl and loves working at times like 4am. You can do it, but you have to be aware of the impact it has on your loved ones. So let him know.
SOMEONE I’m going to graduate in a bit – i.e. a month – and am slightly incredibly terrified. I really don’t want to do it because it involves being looked at by a lot of people. And I hate that.
It also involves stairs, and I hate them too.
I’m thinking about trying to find some anti-anxiety meds if they exist so that I don’t have a panic attack. I’ve tried rescue remedy things but they do nothing.
Even just sitting down and imagining the ceremony and everything that could go wrong and which would prompt mean (all) people to point and laugh makes my heart go mental and me feel ill. So yeah, I wouldn’t go at all were it not for my parents who won’t take no for an answer, and also I kind of feel like I owe it to myself to be confident finally, after 21 years of being trodden on by others and myself.
I need to grow a pair. Or something more ladylike.
Rescue Remedy and the like seem to work for some people (see below), but medication aside, I suggest you just try and approach it mentally as if it’s not a big deal. Keep reminding yourself ‘this is bollocks, this is just a load of people in a room’. A tip I’ve been known to use for gigs in the past is to visit the room when it’s empty; you’ll find it a lot less intimidating then when it’s full.
And as someone pointed out, nothing IS going to go wrong to make people laugh at you; even if it did, nobody would have a good enough view to realise. You could probably soil yourself (you WON’T. You WON’T) and get away with it. So be coldly logical about it. It’ll be over very quickly and you’ll wonder what you worried about.
I think this is a perfectly valid cause for anxiety, but you’re also right that you do owe it to yourself to beat it.
MEGAN What should I do in London? (this was longer, but I’ve lost the rest of it)
There was an astonishingly detailed reply to this, and I’ve also cleared up your problem by suggesting myself (!) for the 17th. But I’d like to quickly add to the London recommendations by mentioning the Cabinet War Rooms. Right in the centre of town, you can see where Churchill hung out during the war, planned his campaigns, had breakfast in bed, etc. They still have some of the original war maps on the walls, furniture, a general feeling that people were living through a war there only moments before. It’s worth a look.
MARTIN A football question, about picking Danny Alves for his fantasy team. Again, I’ve lost this.
Corey has answered this – it’s a bit late now – but yes, Maicon would have been a better bet (he scored last night even). Don’t give up. That’s all I can say; I’m banned from too much World Cup talk.
RACHEL A question about how her job requires her to stand up for many hours at a time, and it’s really painful for the back and neck.
Hmm. Anyone help with this? My job only involves standing up for two hours, usually.
If you can afford it, or know someone who’ll do it for inducements other than money (!), a massage is always a good idea; it sounds like you need one. And make sure you are resting properly when not working. Beyond that I’m not sure what I can suggest, but anyone with medical/physio knowledge, please chip in…
ZOE I’m 19 and have never been kissed.
Joking aside it’s an odd thing. Young people in the press get such a hard time for being promiscuous – don’t get me wrong, I’ve got friends who go out alone to find someone to go home with, I’ve just never been that way inclined.
I’ve never been one to let myself go at parties – I’m often too busy worrying about everyone else to have fun. Sometimes I wish that I was the complete opposite but then other times, I’m glad to wake up with the same amount of shoes I left the house with, an unbroken pair of glasses and a clear head.
Perhaps it’s a confidence thing, perhaps I’m just a bit strange.
So I suppose what I want to know is…is this unusual? How old were you when you had your first romantic entanglement? And being that little bit older and a lot wiser than me, have I got anything to fret over? Will things eventually just happen? And my whole issue with partying. Do I need to just stop worrying so much and enjoy myself?
I was 17 (my first kiss was the day of Princess Diana’s funeral, fact fans). It felt like I had waited a long time. Actually, it was the perfect time for it to happen; the perfect time is when it’s the right person.
I was also not a party person, quite the opposite. I would strongly, strongly suggest you don’t start going to parties you don’t want to be at, or indeed doing anything you don’t want to do, because you feel you ‘ought’ to, to make things happen. When you do end up in a relationship, or multiple relationships, it won’t be because you have tried to force things – it’ll be because you’ve met people in more natural circumstances. Relax. You absolutely do not have anything to fret about.
And when it comes to parties, by the way – focus on going with people you like. The mistake is to think you have to talk to loads of strangers. It’s a paradox, but you will only be relaxed enough to talk to strangers if you’re already with non-strangers. Then you might find parties are a lot more fun.
SARAH I have a kind-of question. I’m hoping that Mark or some of my fellow Watsonians might be able to help me with this one before the weekend. I’m going to a cocktail party and have been instructed to bring a ’secret liquid’ (which I have already decided on) but I need to give it a mysterious name. Any thoughts? If it helps, this liquid is going to be a pinky/red colour.
I’m answering this too late, but I would have gone for ‘Roseatada’ (pronounced rose-AY-a-TA-da).
LOUISE Who would you (or anyone reading) recommend to see at the Edinburgh Fringe? I’ve never been before and I’m going for two nights at the start of it, and I’m really excited. I just don’t know who to see! I’ve booked tickets to see you (yay), but I can’t decide who else to book for. Any recommended comedians?
Just a selection here: Sarah Millican, Nat Luurtsema, Gary Delaney, Sam Simmons if he’s there, my friend and colleague Alex Horne, Tim Vine, and yes Daniel Kitson if you can get near a ticket. Also, be prepared to take a gamble on someone you haven’t heard of. The festival depends on people doing that. There are some great people playing to tiny crowds. (There are also awful people playing to tiny crowds, admittedly, but still). I’ll add more recommendations when I’ve actually seen the programme. But that’s a start. And thanks to others for a lot of sensible recommendations, too.
***STAR LETTER***
COREY
I work with a girl who is due to get married within the next year or so. Nothing bad so far, except for the fact that I know she has cheated on her intended……..but it doesn’t stop there, it wasn’t a one off, she has been carrying on a affair with at least one person for nearly 2 years, slept with another and offered her services to a business client when he muttered the lovely words ”while you’re down there!” as she was bending down to put papers in a box!……she’s not a nice person.
It’s definitely true, I am not one of her conquests, but I do know it’s true. The problem is her boyfriend. I don’t know him but should I meddle in a situation like this and let him know what she’s like? or is it not for me to get involved?
Well, this is a corker.
There are obviously quite a lot of reasons to worry about a man who would end up with this girl, not least because of the supplementary detail you supplied about her looking at my bro’s site and calling it a ’scam’. Die, bitch!!! Sorry. Um.
The consensus from most people was that you shouldn’t get involved in this; you should let people make their own mistakes, especially since the guy isn’t even your friend particularly. I guess this is right. As was pointed out though, it’s an awful thought that kids could be created out of this marriage, and indeed it could have all sorts of other enormous consequences, and you would have known from the outset it was doomed, but never spoken up.
On the whole though, this guy – even if he doesn’t know about his intended’s promiscuity – must have a pretty strong knowledge of her personality, and must love her enough to see through its most obvious defects. This suggests that he will be able to forgive her if she does dishonour their marriage, or – more cynically – he might happily live in ignorance.
Relationships have a way of working out if they’re going to work out, and dissolving (however painfully) if they’re not. Fatalistic as it may be to say ‘what will be, will be,’ I reckon you can let this play itself out. It’s not your problem. But it IS pretty bloody interesting. Keep us informed!
IONA A question about how her friend’s mum had just died; her friend wanted things to as normal as possible; how could she support her?
This is hard; anything as tragic as this is beyond my fortunate experience. I guess if she says she wants everything to be normal, you should take her at her word. She will probably have people to talk to about her grief, but it’s more difficult sometimes in an awful time to find someone just to be normal with. So I would try and have fun, take her out of herself, where you can. Sometimes the best person to have around in a crisis is the one who doesn’t constantly act as if it IS a crisis. Not that you should trivialise it. But you know what I mean.
GABY I have a query. I seem to be getting some fairly nasty attacks of nerves recently. I have my A-levels, (starting tomorrow) as many do, and after trying a host of ridiculously over priced herbal ‘nerve busters’, I am finding nothing works. Have you Mark, or anyone else for that matter, have any tried and tested ways of getting rid of nerves.
Also one less important thing, what is the best confectionery to buy for the inside of my car. I passed my test yesterday (fourth time lucky apparently), and am in need of a sweet which isn’t so good that I will be seething with anger whenever one is taken, but also good enough that I will enjoy sucking on one on a long journey.
Second question: American Hard Gums.
First question: As mentioned above, I don’t know much about Rescue Remedy – described, in rather sinister fashion, on its website as ‘every woman’s emotional ally, on which millions of people now depend’. But I do think nerves can be overcome by non-clinical ways. One thing I’d recommend is to try and convert those nerves into positive adrenalin. Don’t think of an exam as some kind of trap in which you will be reveald as a fraud; think of it as a chance to show what you can do. A cliche perhaps but true, just as it’s true that as a comedian, you’re better off thinking of the audience as friends waiting to be entertained, not cynics waiting for you to NOT be funny.
But you’ll be well into those exams by now, so I hope this isn’t too late. And apologies to all those people in Ireland and Scotland for whom my exam-tips blog last week came too late. Maybe in future blogs I should put ‘EXCEPT SCOTLAND’ like they do on special offers sometimes.
…that’s it. Add your own responses below, and also, any questions you’d like answered for the next edition. Oh yes, and as is traditional, a couple of questions from me:
-What are those flickering lines that appear at the top of the screen on ITV just before adverts start, i.e. at the end of the football? I mean… what are they for? What ARE they? You know?
-And how do I bring jealousy under control?
Thanks!
Posted by Helen on July 22, 2010
So…um…I didn’t die! yay. Well not in the actual op, anyway. I could of course, still die, at some point..in my life, so, well, just ignore my problem for now. Thanks.
Posted by Rachael on June 25, 2010
Good advice there, I have a question you might be qualified to answer. Living where I do it is difficult for me to step outside the house without bumping into someone and having to engage in some small talk, usually the same conversations repeated. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered with them but my need to be polite means i’m standing there awkwardly for the next 10 minutes. How can I be polite but get away quickly? Thanks Mark.
Posted by colin on June 24, 2010
Jealousy – really simple, ask a friend who you trust, respect and can talk with about the last time they were jealous, you will quickly realise what poor tunnel vision jealously inflicts on your state of mind through observing there situation. this should open up a good opportunity for you to view your own situation in the same way.
The grass really is always greener and through life people have a different experience of things, sometimes good sometimes bad, both of which have there positives.
But more importantly there is good and bad in the world and there is nothing ‘i believe’ in place to control equal distribution, so just bring as much good to the world as you can and petty issues like jealousy will soon cease to be an issue.
If you want something give something way.. if this was common currency none of us would ever want… …partly because we’d all be to busy giving.. haha
Anyway enough wittering, jealously is petty.. so get over yourself.
Posted by anon on June 23, 2010
I have been trying to build up the courage to ask a girl out for the last 6 months so my question is 3 fold: 1. Is there such a thing as the infamous “friend zone” which after 6 months I am presumably in. 2. Is it essential to do it face to face because I can never find the right moment and chicken out. 3. Any advice on how to do it especially after so long?
Posted by Sue on June 22, 2010
Okay, not sure how best to put this to you, but here goes. Basically there’s a teacher at school I get on particularly well with as a friend, he’s the person I go to when I’ve got problems at home and stuff and he’s always given great advice and helped me through some tough times. I’ve got immense respect for him and even though I don’t take his subject at A-Level anymore, we still have jolly good natters quite frequently. He’s one of the best friends I’ve got.
Thing is, I know he’s got difficulties of his own. His wife’s seriously ill with a progressive condition, she’s quite often in hospital and when she’s not he’s her full-time carer. I get the impression he doesn’t like to talk about it, he’s not the type to talk about his problems and stuff (he’s not a heart-on-his-sleeve type) though he has mentioned things to me that I know he hasn’t told other students about. As a friend I wish I could help him in some way, but obviously I’m a student and he’s a teacher. Most people in sixth form know his wife’s ill, but I don’t think they know how serious it is.
I know he would have liked to come to our Leavers Prom and stuff but he couldn’t because of his care commitments. To be honest I don’t know how he copes, he’s (nearly) always so cheerful and upbeat and willing to help anyone else with their problems. I think we both see school as an escape from problems at home. Though his problems are far more serious than my own, and he keeps the stress it must cause him very well hidden (though he admitted to slamming the mens’ toilet doors shut when no-one else was about). How he copes is beyond me.
I know that his wife’s condition has recently got worse, and I just wish I could help him somehow. Like when one of my best friends has got something on their plate and I just want to help them get through… only I’m a student and he’s a teacher so there’s not a lot I can do. I don’t even know whether to mention it to show that I ‘care’ (for want of a better word) or to just carry on with our random conversations about bananas and such like and distract him from it. With friends you can always say, “If you ever want to talk about it…” but you can’t really with a teacher. Even if they are one of the best friends you’ve got.
So that’s my question. What can I do to help?
(Now just slightly worried that someone from school will read this and know exactly who I’m talking about! I don’t really want to invade his privacy and publish his problems on the internet… I’m working on the theory that no-one from school will read comments posted so long after the original blog post. And Mark, sorry I’m behind with my TYSIC and this blog, once exams are over I’ll get up to date!)
Posted by Sue on June 22, 2010
@Rosanna – I’m in Y13 and I applied to do Physics at Cambridge and Edinburgh amongst others. I’d say the most important thing in choosing a Uni is the course – I love the NatSci course at Cam, but also their reputations for Physics and research interests. But also think about location. For instance, amazing though Imperial is, I’m petrified of London. It’s huge and so busy and I just couldn’t live there. Sorry, this is crud generic advice, but hey.
@Zoe – ditto. But here’s a story one of our teachers told us at school about how he met his wife at Uni: he was making a chicken curry in the student kitchen, went to take it out of the oven and then the oven glove slipped, and it smashed all over her. She helped him clean it up and then since neither of them had anything to eat they went out together for dinner. They’ve been together for over twenty years now. So yeah… It’s funnier when he tells it. But hey. Maybe it’ll happen when you least expect it.
Posted by Lydia on June 22, 2010
Thank you [: Sorry I didn’t read this for ages, I’m just catching up on my Google reader (yes, I’m that much of a dork).
I don’t really know about how to deal with jealousy. But I kind of wonder if maybe you could use some of the techniques people use for anxiety? Like, trying to drown out the negative thoughts with something else.
Posted by Clembear on June 21, 2010
Jealousy or envy? My hunch is you’ll be meaning the word you use, but the two are often used synonymously so wanted to check.
Posted by Helen on June 21, 2010
Sorry this is now my third comment. I wasn’t going to ask for advice on this, but it’s been on my mind loads lately so I thought I might give it a go. The problem with this problem is that it is difficult to explain without making it look like I want lots of sympathy, which I don’t. I just want some advice on how to deal with it better.
In the middle of this July, I have to have an operation on my spine and I am very scared. I am terrified of everything to do with it. I’m worried about the anaesthetic and the thought of being opened up and the pain and I keep thinking that I might not survive it. And I feel guilty about worrying about it for 2 main reasons. Firstly, it’s not like it is a huge chance that something bad will happen, just normal operation risks so I feel like I’m being over dramatic, but I just can’t stop worrying about it. Also, I feel like I should sort of get over myself, because if I did die it’s not like the world is going to stop turning. But it really scares me. And then there’s all the other risks that the surgeon mentioned might possibly happen that just keep circling my head. And I can’t talk to any of my friends or family about this because I don’t want to worry them and the one time I did try and mention it to my friend (in a very general way) she just told me that I had a very negative attitude about it, which was a valid point, but it made me feel like I couldn’t really talk it through with her because it would just look I was moaning. Which I sort of am. But I haven’t really talked to anyone about it and I’m terrified. And it doesn’t help that I’m in the middle of A levels which are just serving to make me more stressed. I don’t think my destiny is ‘written’ either way and I don’t think if I did die I would be chilling out with Jesus or anyone. I just wish I could feel more confident about the whole thing. Any advice on how to deal with it better would be much appreciated. Thank You.
Posted by cymruangel on June 21, 2010
Thanks for the tips. I did sit down and have a chat with Boy at the weekend (well, if truth be told, I burst into tears at him, having had a headache all week at least partly because of exhaustion, but at least it got things out in the open). It seems to have done the trick insofar as he now knows how I’m feeling, but we’ll see what happens.
Also, don’t despair about the blog. Should it ever not appear, we aren’t going to club you over the head about it, just worry whether you’re ok. Deep breaths, and it’ll all be fine.
Posted by Becca on June 19, 2010
@Rachel – that’s a horrible thing for your teachers to have said! I’ve never know anyone to just dismiss people for being academically talented. It’s a cliche thing to say (edit: I’m writing this after I’ve written my reply and I realised it’s RIDDLED with cliches like a disease.), but hopefully the people in your tutor group will be in the same boat and not know anyone – basically just prepare for many tedious “what’s your name, what subjects are you taking, what school did you go to…” etc. conversations. It might sound lame but maybe think of some slightly more interesting questions you could ask people? (not that I can think of any right now.) In groups try to make the effort to talk to each person individually because you’ll look more friendly (even if it is tedious questions!) and in groups it’s easy to get lost and overlooked in conversation…sit next to random people in lessons, just force yourself to make awkward conversation…I don’t want to say this and sound like an absolute eejit but be yourself…I hope this doesn’t come over as really patronising btw, I don’t think as a 20 year old I should be doling out advice about life but I’m trying to think about all the people I met at college and the only ones I can think of are those who I’m still friends with! Also I just read your blog (stalker.) and your personality post…everyone needs a friend who is dependable in a crisis so you should have no shortage of friends! (God that was an epic essay I apologise. In case you can’t tell, I’m the friend in my group who is always getting involved in other peoples problems.)
@Rosanna – In my last year of college I was considering going to uni but at the last minute I decided I hated the UCAS website (maybe you’ll understand my pain.) and had my gap year instead. When I looked again at unis, for no reason at all, I was drawn to Chichester. I accepted the place without having been there, have just finished Freshers and had the best year of my life. Definately go with your gut instinct!
Posted by Ben Draper on June 19, 2010
My question is “Why, when taking a free kick or something does a second player run over the ball before the free kick taker actually kicks the ball?”
Jealousy: If you are seriously jealous of someone about something just list all the reasons why having or being or doing that thing would be bad, no matter how trivial, then if you feel the pangs of jealousy then try and remember the things on the list and maybe feel better about it.
As for the lines on ITV i think it’s just to signal the adverts for some reason, maybe for the viewer but it could also be something to do with cueing the adverts or editing or something. I don’t think they do anything other than say “there will be adverts in a few minutes”.
Posted by elin on June 18, 2010
Glad your work could be saved, if wounded! I hate when that happens.
Now,
Dear auntie Mark
I study fine arts. Painting. I’m about to start my second year on the master program, and I am going to have to write a shortish thesis. This text can be about anything, it could be fiction, or a heavy theory text, or just me trying to make sense of my paintings and the buildings I paint… I have tried to find out more about one of the buildings, hoping to be able to write about that, but I haven’t gotten much… I’ve also tried to read up on the architecture and politics of the time I work with. I guess the easiest thing would be to try to do a bit of each (not the fiction or heavy theory…), but I can’t get started… Question quite vague, but hopefully you can answer better than I can ask… I’d be very grateful for any ideas!
Posted by Helen on June 18, 2010
Commenting again to say CONGRATULATIONS Rachel/Pandora on becoming Qualified. Yay.
Posted by LisaD on June 18, 2010
How do I bring jealousy under control?
Since the news hasn’t been filled with stories about a comedian and father of one who went mental and started killing any and all people whose tours sold faster than his tour, it would seem you already have your jealousy at least partially under control. It may seem like an uncontrolled emotion, but in fact your mind is still in charge which means you can reason your way out of feeling like that. The Pollyanna answer is to count your own blessings, but realistically if you were in a good enough mood in the moment to see your own blessings clearly than jealousy wouldn’t be an issue. I find it helps to think about that person’s life and how much your would actually want to switch places with him. Sort of like counting their failings as a way to get a better look at your blessings. A friend of mine just won a really prestigious award in New York and I felt a bit of a twinge, but not for long because the sacrifices she made to get in the place to win that award are things I’m not willing to do. No one actually has it all no matter how perfect their lives may seem. To have the life of the person your jealous of what would you have to give up? For a start your wife and son, since she didn’t marry that guy.
Posted by Rachel on June 18, 2010
Commented yesterday but a problem has come up since then and I was wondering if anybody could help. Basically, I found out today which tutor group I’m going to be in at college and I don’t know anybody in it at all. I’m not the best at forming new friendships because, according to my teachers at high school, people often feel inferior to me because I get high grades and am good at what I do etc so they don’t bother trying to talk to me even if I put in a lot of effort to talk to them. I have an induction day in July so does anybody have any tips for how to meet people and react etc in a group of total strangers like this?
Posted by Rosanna on June 18, 2010
For anyone still doing exams – I had a maths A level exam that I was pretty worried about so I went with a friend to a cafe for a full English breakfast – that helped alot, I would recommend it.
Zoe and others: I’m 17 and haven’t been kissed either – seems there are quite a few of us here. I don’t see I’m gonna find anyone in the near future either – hoping things will sort themselves out when I go to university or something…
Sorry Mark, no idea about those lines or jealousy..
My question for the next Can I Help You?
I’m in year 12 now so I’m starting to look at universities and I know there are some/a lot of others reading this blog in the same situation. I want to study Physics and the unis I’m mist interested in at the moment are Oxbridge (probably Oxford), London (favourites: Imperial and King’s) and Scotland (favourite: Glasgow followed by Edinburgh). So, basically what I’m asking for is general advice on choosing unis and if anyone has any experiences of those universities/towns it would be really appreciated.
Sorry – that was really long :/
xx
Posted by Rachel/Pandora on June 18, 2010
@Rachel – I wrote this reply yesterday, but was then worried I might jinx my results. As a QUALIFIED physiotherapist (from about 11.30am today) I can give you proper advice, I hope.
Google ‘cat stretch’ and give that a go, I’d also suggest investing in a foam roller, that you can use to lie across and stretch your back out too. As Mark said, a massage would help (you deserve it if you’re working that hard!). You can also use those microwave heat bag things or a hot water bottle on the back of your neck at the end of the day to ease a bit of tension.
Posted by Tom Beasley on June 18, 2010
“how do I bring jealousy under control?”
Well you have to accept that, whoever you are and however successful you become, there will always be someone in a better position than you at any one time. The feeling of jealousy is unavoidable, but if you learn to accept that there is always someone doing better, individual setbacks causing jealousy will be far easier to deal with.
Alternatively, highlight the positive aspects of your current situation and convince yourself that you are in a better position somehow than the person you are jealous of.
More specifics of the situation would be needed for better advice, but I’ve tried.
Posted by Madeleine on June 18, 2010
OH! TYSIC update, I signed up for guitar lessons today – silencing the “you’re too old, you’ll be shit, the teacher will shake his head sadly on your first lesson and say “sorry, there’s nothing I can do. You were obviously born with no music in your soul”" voice in my head.
So yeah, bring that on!
Posted by Madeleine on June 18, 2010
So glad you eventually got this up. I felt awful for you after reading the last blog, I know everyone says this, but that kind of shit always happens to me. I’ve learned to take a moment to go “WELL, THAT WAS A OCCURANCE”, and then get on with whatever needs to done to fix it (or, less constructively, say “FUCK THAT” and quit forever).
I don’t know why, but finding out that you didn’t kiss anyone till you were 17 actually made me feel better about myself (I have recently turned 17 and not passed that particular milestone yet. My friends are making up for me not upholding the stereotype however, generally doing lots of sex). It definatly made me feel better than all the family members constantly asking me why I don’t have a boyfriend and telling me they would be fine if I was a lesbian – like it would matter. Or the condescending friends saying that “that’s so cute!” “don’t rush it! wait for the right guy!”. So I think I kinda know what Zoe’s talking about and I think “relax” is probably the best advice to get.
I was going to write something on your question about Jealousy, then I realised that that’s probably my biggest problem as well – I can’t stand people doing better than me, even my friends and I hate that about myself. So I will eagerly look to eveyone else’s comments for some advice.
Posted by katie on June 18, 2010
I’ve heard those black and white lines that say when an ad break is about to happen are for the benefit of the energy companies, to prepare them for the sudden flood of people boiling kettles/turning lights on and all those other things that use power that you wait for the ad break to go and do.
Not sure if that’s true, but there’s some logic there.
Posted by Corey on June 18, 2010
Thanks to you and everyone for their advice, I will keep the group aware of the situation but as I suspected/hoped, it isn’t for me to get involved. If he is stupid enough to not see whats shes like why is it up to me to help him out!?
Blog wise, surely by saving the day/night, Megan is entitled to some kind of heroic medal!?!. I’m thinking along the lines of the purple cross for saving lives (or blog in this case, but the 2 are very close!).
And finally, a word of caution for anybody wanting to take things further with a friend. You have to be totally sure that if it goes wrong you can cope with not being friends anymore. I had a friend for over 10 years, me and she finally got round to taking it further and whilst great for a time, when we split it could never go back to the friendship we had before. Now we never speak……….we’re facebook friends but that doesn’t count right!?!
Posted by Kathryn on June 18, 2010
I have a question/problem I’ve just thought of:
Next year, hopefully/hypothetically/in theory/if everything goes well I’ll be going to Cambridge. There’s only one person I know who’s going to my college- I have one friend in another college and one friend in a different college again who’s on a gap year next year. The person who’s going to my college I have sort of known for years through orchestra but we’ve never really talked outside of a large group situation; only through facebook which doesn’t really count.
I think we have some things in common, a similar sense of humour and being really nerdy (he taught all of us to count in binary last summer…). He’s doing natural sciences, I’m doing English. However, I can’t ever seem to think of a way to strike up a conversation. We’re both quite shy and awkward if there aren’t other people there to talk to; I’ve only ever had a brief conversation about university applications and interviews and things. I’d like to get to know him better but I’m useless at talking to people I don’t know well. I suppose what I need is advice on how to make friends, which sounds immature, but he’s going to be the only person I know next year and I’m scared.
I asked friends- one of them told me to ask for his number and text him (same problem- nothing to say), the other told me he’d make “good husband material”. Of course, if I’ve totally messed up my Alevels I won’t even make it to Cambridge anyway… Any help greatly appreciated.
Posted by Misha on June 18, 2010
You may be interested to know I’ve just had a conversation with my friend about you, he thinks you’re the “cool one” and “really funny”. He was soberer than I.
For Iona: Stability is probably what your friend most wants now, the summer after my mum died I was almost more upset by the change in routine because I just couldn’t process what had happened. It’s a way for her to deal with it I’d guess.
Reading this on the wrong day again. Because i’ve just got in. Go TYSIC!
Posted by Becca on June 18, 2010
Anon: I was in love with my best friend for 2 years (all the while a LOT of drama went on, including my best friend sleeping with him, so you can imagine how much I liked him seeing as it continued after that!) but in the end I realised that moping and having it on my brain all the time wasn’t healthy for me, so I told him I still liked him. Luckily he’s an awesome guy (cause you know, I’m not biased.) and he didn’t make it awkward at all. But because I already knew he didn’t like me back, telling him confirmed it and instead of hurting me, it just made it easier to move on and not like him as much. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% over him (it’s been about 6 months since I told him?) but that’s only because liking him is a hard habit to break! So basically, to end my ramble, telling them shouldn’t be a problem if you think your friendship can handle it. and if you do say something and she doesn’t feel the same way, as long as you want to stay friends with her then you have to try your best to not be awkward because it’ll make her mor comfortable!
Zoe: I’m 20 next week and I’ve never been kissed or anything…even if this never comes about for me, I have life plans of being the world’s oldest virgin so it’s fine.
Posted by Steph on June 18, 2010
“Keep us informed!” Haha. We are a nosey bunch.
I like the idea of being “coldly logical” where nerves and anxiety are concerned. Wonder if Spock ever thought of that…
Ahh I rather enjoyed reading about “ANON”. There’s always some hang-up with the ex-boyfriend isn’t there?! The situation reminds me of a Jason Mraz song called “If It Kills Me”. Don’t worry, its not as dramatic as it sounds. One lyric is “We get along much better than you and your boyfriend.” I’d say go for it. Think of it more as dating so there’s not too much pressure. If it works, roll with it!
A question I’d like responded to…
In a week and a half’s time one of my good friends gets back from being in Ireland for 2 years. I haven’t seen him in all that time and I was 16 when he left (turning 18 on Sunday!). I’m just a bit anxious about seeing him for the first time once he’s back. Oh how could I forget? I’ve had the most humungous crush/feeling/whatever-you-want-to-call-it for him for years. Now that we’re both a bit older, how can I show him I’ve grown up and maybe want to be a bit more than friends…? Don’t get me wrong I’m really excited about seeing him again, it’s just that everything’s changing as we’re both going to uni in October.
Posted by Kate W on June 18, 2010
That blog was epic in the proper sense – “very imposing or impressive”, “surpassing the usual or ordinary, particularly in scope or size”, “heroic and impressive in quality”. Thanks for going to the effort of writing it and to everyone who helped salvage it; sorry about the painful bit in between.
Jealousy; hmm. Definitely one of my failings, but I think what I’d say is a) acknowledge it. For me, it takes some of the bile out of it to actually say “Yup, I’m jealous as hell!”. And b) try to use it as a spur. Jealousy’s just wanting something that someone else has – if that something’s a good thing (great job, gorgeous partner, amazing flat, or whatever) then it’s perfectly rational to want it yourself. Being jealous can make you realise how much you want that something and therefore how hard you’d work to get it. So if combined with a bit of optimism, it can be a good thing and push you towards getting the thing you covet. Also, try to remember there’s almost certainly someone out there who’s jealous of you.
If it’s a personal jealousy (friend being friendlier with someone else, other half always talking about a colleague) that’s slightly different. I think a good first step is to assume they’re not doing it at you, and probably haven’t realised that you’re jealous of what’s happening. Beyond that, not sure I have a cure for the green-eyed monster….
Posted by MusicalLottie on June 17, 2010
@ Meg, the comment from Chris reminded me of something I discovered: mobiles send out a roaming signal every couple of minutes-ish whilst turned on, and this signal can affect a person’s sleep. I was a bit sceptical at first but decided that I had nothing to lose by turning it off at night, just to see – I do sleep better now, it must be said. If you try it, I’m not sure it would have that much effect on how long it takes you to get to sleep, but the sleep you then get may improve.
@ Seamus: effect = noun; affect = verb … not sure of any simple way to remember that though. maybe cause->effect => two ‘e’s go together?
I had a couple of other points but I’ve totally forgotten them. A huge ‘well done’ to whomever retrieved the blog! (Sorry, I’ve forgotten their name.)
Posted by lisan66 on June 17, 2010
Oh, and can I post a question for the next Can I Help You blog?
The guy I’m seeing casually (but crazy about) has just told me that he’s applied for a six month visa for Australia for the new year, followed by six months in the US. He’s 24, and I’m 18, so there’s not a chance I’d be able to go seems I have to go to college next year and I can’t afford it. I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want him to go just yet (because I’d miss him so goddamn much) because we’re not actually serious at the moment, but it seemed it was heading that way. Anyway, any advice on how I should tell him?
And by yet, I mean maybe wait a year so i can take a gap year and go with him…
Posted by Helen on June 17, 2010
Oh I’m glad you got this back. Super Good Blog.
ZOE: (sorry I didn’t see when you orginally posted) I have the same issue. I’m nearly 18 and I always feel like I’m pretty much the only one. I mentioned it to someone the other day and you know what she said? ‘AWWWW’. So that made me feel good. I just don’t like the parties either. Nice to know there is someone in the same boat. Thank You Mark your advice made me feel quite a bit better about it too.
And I naively thought that the scrolly sausage shaped zebra things at the top of the TV was just a friendly thing they did to let you know an adverts coming. You know, like someone saying ‘Ah it’s alright, you can get those crisps in a minute..the adverts are on their way’. And I struggle with jealously so probably not the best person to give advice. Goodnight. x
Posted by lisan66 on June 17, 2010
In response to teh Rescue Remedies thing: I used it coming up to my exams because I was a nervous wreck! I’m in the middle of them now, and I found that they didn’t work….although that could have just been me. Most the girls in my year do find that they work great, not just for exams but also on a flight and in a driving test. I find that Kalms are great. They’re little herbal tablety things. I’m assuming they sell them in the UK.
ANON: I went out with my best friend a couple of years ago. He was my first boyfriend and trying to figure out whether I’d ask him out was really hard because I didn’t know if he liked me back etc etc. Eventually I did, and we went out for a few months and then we broke up. After teh whole relationship thing, it was awkward for a while when we saw each other(we move in the same circle of friends) but now it’s fine and we’re great friends again. I guess my advice is, if you really have feelings for her, go for it! But be careful that it might not turn out the way you want it to. BUT even if it doesn’t work out, I’m proof that it can all go back to normal. I have no idea if this helps or not…..
Posted by Gabi on June 17, 2010
Thank you for the question answering. I went with some real deep breathing and the ‘I can do this’ not ‘I hope I can do this’ attitude. And I shall purchase said hardgums tomorrow and report back with how they go down.
I presume those lines at the top have something to do with the show being live, as it happens on reality shows like Big Brother and Britain’s Got Talent, as well as live football. Maybe it signifies to the person pushing the ad break button that they should push is asap. (Which apparently didn’t happen in the England game last week on HD…not that I’m still bitter)
As for combating jealously, I think this is one of the hardest things to over come. One of the first things you have to do, is find your strong points and be proud of them. By knowing them you can try and block out they people who have the different stronger points and avoid jealousy.
Posted by Chris (Cambs/Bath) on June 17, 2010
Meg: I read somewhere that having electronic equipment near your bed is bad for your sleeping patterns (because it distracts you and makes you want to make sure Mark has done a blog/go on facebook as instead of going all sleepy). These are the distractions I find anyway but same goes for TVs mobiles etc. Plus they all buzz and him and wrrrrr and stuff.
I have all of these knocking around next to my bed and apparently it’s best to get rid of the lot a bit before bed time. But regular exercise does the world of good too.
Anon: What Mark said. I was in a sort of situation recently and pretty much what he just said there, except ‘getting into the right mindset’ consisted of going for a few drinks in town with some friends (so if it doesn’t work out as such if you’re subtle you can still have a nice night out and no pressure on either person). We had to walk the same way home after. The rest is history (although after that it is a very sad tale indeed but for reasons completely separate to this situation). But that bit was lovely *sighs*.
Do hope it goes well though! Just remember, you get on well with people when you are being yourself and relaxed so do not put yourself in a situation that compromises that.
Go for the big declaration when they are ready to hear it/near enough expecting it. I can’t deal with the whole ‘I love you’ situations personally so best to take somebody elses advice there.
Zoe: Again, what Mark said. I love a good party personally, but given that I seem to hate most of human kind my idea of a good party is very specific. And there’s nothing I hate more than being a party by myself/know not many people. I was one of the ‘Yeah go party!’ people in the Pt.1 of this. But what Mark said is a bit more refined than my fairly crass advice.
I can’t help anybody else. I have noticed a theme in the kind of things I can deal with.
Mark: I have no idea how to deal with jealousy. I’m seriously bad myself although sometimes (usually) it’s just paranoia (I have an amusing anecdote to illustrate this but I won’t bore you all with it). But I really don’t know how to cope with it myself. It will someday be my ‘fatal flaw’, so when you find an answer, let me know! I guess it depends what you are jealous of.
Optimistic finish: Mark got the blog back! Happy days! All the best everybody!
Posted by Heather Jones on June 17, 2010
Lots of lovely Agony Uncle-ing, Mark. Glad the majority of your efforts on this mammoth posting were saved – what a roller-coaster!
Posted by Emmy on June 17, 2010
YAY!
Posted by Rachel on June 17, 2010
Iona – I’m not exactly an expert but 3 people in my form who I’m friendly with have lost parents over the past year, so I have had experience. From that experience, I suggest that you watch out for her and make sure that she’s not bottling her feelings up and getting stressed out over it but if she is, don’t make it out to be a huge deal. I’d also suggest that you make sure that you don’t become overly close to your friend because of what’s happened – as it could have really negative effects on you as a person as well which could affect your friend. But most importantly, just treat her the same as you always have because yourself and her other friends will be her ‘constant’ at the moment (if that makes sense?) and I’d imagine that’s something she needs?
Posted by Nathan on June 17, 2010
Oh, and I’m happy you managed to get the blog up after all.
Posted by Nathan on June 17, 2010
This should help solve the mystery of the black and white lines!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cue_dot#Cue_marks_in_television
Posted by Iona on June 17, 2010
Thanks for the advice. It was our first day back at school after study leave and we found out thy not only my ford but another girl in my year lost their mum over study leave. But we made the day as normal as possible and my friend coped really well. It was worse yesterday because I was the one to tell all our close friends about it which was horrible.
Posted by fuzzy_ducky (Laura) on June 17, 2010
FANTASTIC
Posted by Seamus on June 17, 2010
I’m glad you managed to salvage the blog. I hope that little set back didn’t effect (affect? I can never remember which is which. I know what the different uses are, but not which applies to which. Ho hum.) your optimism. Now to read this rather large wall of text.