The psychic tour diary
I won’t be constantly plugging my tour as it gets closer and closer, but this is a special edition. On Twitter a couple of times, I have got into prolonged negotiation with people whom I’m tried to persuade to come to the shows on my forthcoming tour. This is the sort of DIY nonsense I’m happy to do, but I’d be happier still not sending 45,000 tweets to sell each ticket individually. So as a result of a kind of challenge laid down by the Twitter community, here is a little blog in which I lay out, briefly, reasons to come to each of the 2010 shows (the remainder, next year, will be covered in another blog). See it as a tour diary, but before the tour has even started. It doesn’t get more cutting-edge than that.
Here we go. I’m in the car. (The tour car.)
Leicester Oct 5 – Well, the first night. Always exciting. Sometimes slightly shabby but in a fun, ‘he’ll never say THAT again’ way. Fun fact: last year’s tour, I had a whole day to kill in Leicester and it was in the middle of that freezing cold period. I checked into a hotel just for the afternoon. You can do that.
Bradford Oct 6 – New venue for me. I’ve always done Leeds in the past. This time, I screamed at my promoters: ‘FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME GO TO BRADFORD’. Sure this aggressive stance will be rewarded.
Stoke Oct 7 - Staffordshire has been a slightly unhappy hunting ground for me. Last tour I did one of the tour’s toughest shows in Stafford; I had a thing called ‘labyrinthitis’ (it is a real virus, honestly) and was feeling very dizzy. Unfortunately I wasn’t seeing double, or the audience would have looked big. I owe the area a good show and it owes me a good crowd. Deal?
Birmingham Oct 8 – Always fun. If we sell well here as usual, I will get behind Birmingham’s campaign to replace London as capital city.
Preston Oct 12 – Another new one; my sole gig in Preston has been to an overexcitable group at the University of Central Lancashire. I have a good feeling about this one. Still early in the tour, still excited. Yep, this could be in the top six.
Bristol Oct 14 – Highest-pressure show of the tour for me, thanks to the presence of my mum, mum’s friends, former teachers, former teachers’ friends. And all this in a venue where I used to be taken to see pantomimes. Will try to incorporate some ‘BEHIIIIND YOU’-style antics.
Glasgow Oct 16 – Scottish shows can be a highlight or a lowlight. Last time, Dundee was a highlight, for example. The previous time, Kilmarnock a lowlight. Glasgow should be pretty fun. I also think it’s an underrated city. PS Please come, this venue is fucking enormous.
Derby Oct 19 – Fun fact: One of my best ever gigs was in a pub in Derby, the Blessington Carriage. Since then I’ve been upgraded to an actual theatre. I also like Derby because it’s easy to see the football ground as you come into the station. On this tour I will, as ever, be inching closer to seeing all 92 league grounds.
Brighton Oct 20 – On my way to Brighton last tour, I got mugged on my own street, while listening to my iPod (Otherside, by Red Hot Chili Peppers). Such is the niceness of Brighton that I still look back on the day with some fondness. I always like the seafront with the slightly rundown classical hotels too. Yep, Brighton will be good.
Manchester Oct 22 – First Manchester Apollo for me. I played the Lowry before, and the Dancehouse before that.As recently as 2004 I travelled six hours to do 10 minutes on stage in Manchester (in Chorlton, in fact), then got the Megabus back, arriving back in London at 6.15am. So my life’s definitely improved.
Aberystwyth Oct 26 – One of the most pleasantly eccentric stopoffs on a tour, worth the 78-hour journey on some of the most primitive trains still operating in Britain. When you get there it’s always windy as hell and the boats creak eerily in the harbour. One of the best shows last year, but slow sales so far this year. Come on Aber!
Sheffield Oct 27 – First tour, I was in Sheffield the same night as Roy Chubby Brown; fair to say he won the battle of the box office. Last year, Rob Brydon: same outcome. But I did get to have dinner with him. This year, who knows, it’ll probably be Gervais. As always, I will try to be funny in a less famous way.
Newcastle Oct 29 – One of the most eagerly awaited shows, by me. Somehow I’ve never done a Newcastle show before. Durham, Stockton, Middlesbrough, oh all over the North-East, but not Newcastle. Sure enough it’s selling briskly. It’s almost like I should go and do shows where people want to go and see me. Can’t wait.
Cambridge Nov 3 – This has been a rewarding place for me to perform/live/graduate. It’ll also be quite a special show for me because I saw Eddie Izzard at this venue when I was a student, and would never have imagined I would play there myself. I also once saw my beloved Super Furry Animals there, and again, would never have imagined I’d be in a band there myself. And I’m not.
Grimsby Nov 4 - This is where it might get attritional. Grimsby is a place I’ve never even been, not even for football, let alone to do a show; it’s one of the very very few places in the UK to be able to claim that, after my years of yomping all over the place trying to make people laugh. Grimsby folk are slow to jump on the box office bandwagon so far, but if they realised it was history in the making, perhaps they’d go for it…
Hull Nov 5 - And then Hull. Fun fact: I once did a gig in Hull supporting Andy Zaltzman. I got on the wrong train from Doncaster and travelled two hours in the wrong direction. I eventually got to Hull too late to support Andy but thanks to his wife pleading with the venue staff to hang around for me, I was allowed to go and do 15 minutes AFTER him. And then I stayed at his parents’ house. Good old Andy. PS This show is on firework night. But, hell, you can see fireworks every year. Or every other night if you live where I live and youths are always letting them off.
Wycombe Nov 6 – I go to Wycombe every year. It’s nearly always two-thirds full. Will this be the year I get the other third? This is one of the football grounds I’m missing from the 92, despite how much I’ve been there. Where is it, people?
Blackburn Nov 9 – Now. Last year I had one of the most fun shows in Blackburn, but, it has to be said, there weren’t many buggers there. This year, for various reasons, my promoters decided to give it another go. Again, sales are pretty slow. The people who DID come last time were ace; the venue staff were lovely; I drank lots of wine. So I think I can confidently say if you’re anywhere near Blackburn, and want a more intimate experience than the Manc Apollo, you would definitely have a nice time if you came to this. Is that something you’d consider?
Cardiff Nov 10 – This, on the other hand, should be pretty full and is an undoubted highlight. Among the most appreciative of Britain’s comedy-watching cities. Now that I’ve said all this, it could be shit. I doubt it, though.
Dunfermline Nov 12 – As you will have noticed, at this point the tour starts to defy geographical common sense. If you look at Blackburn, Cardiff and Dunfermline on the map you may get the impression I’m doing some sort of charity cycle. But no. This is my life. Dunfermline is one of the odder stops on the tour, on paper. Let’s hope for the best. I reckon it could be a classic.
Dundee Nov 14 – IMPORTANT: THIS HAS BEEN MOVED. IT IS NOW NOT AT CAIRD HALL BUT THE WHITEHALL THEATRE. AND THE NIGHT AFTER. BECAUSE THE WORLD IS STUPID, YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR TICKETS REFUNDED AND THEN BUY THEM AGAIN, I THINK. I APOLOGISE FOR THIS, IT IS BEYOND MY CONTROL. BUT PLEASE DO STILL COME. I LIKE DUNDEE. LAST TIME, EVERYONE WAS VERY DRUNK. I’LL STOP SHOUTING NOW.
Oxford Nov 17 – Ooh Oxford! You’re all posh then? ‘Hey, jester, dance for me!’ Etc. That’s how certain comedians would approach this gig. Luckily I wouldn’t be that lazy, I’m well aware there are some dreadful bits of Oxford. This is a lovely theatre and I hope people will come to it.
Nottingham Nov 18 – Fun fact: Last tour I got terribly lost trying to find the theatre in Nottingham and barely made it before the start. I had a tour manager of course, but he was on the phone trying to direct me through Nottingham’s ancient streets. I had to have dinner in the interval. These days, I have Google Maps on my phone.
Coventry Nov 19 – Warwick Arts Centre. A great, if tall and slopey, venue. Fun fact: Last year I drove to Bristol after this show to go to my sisters’ 18th. The wife and I dressed up as my sisters (they’re twins). Is this a fun fact? Hmm. Anyway. It WAS a fancy-dress party. Looking forward to Coventry. That’s my point I guess.
Cheltenham Nov 23 – Last year I arrived at this venue and thought ‘oh dear, I don’t like the look of the room’. I was wrong; it was lovely. I should add, I have been to Cheltenham twice since, and it’s a handsome place. I had a great curry there last tour, too. Mmm. This should be a good night.
Ipswich Nov 24 – I’ve always done Norwich, and thanks to raucous demand from Easterners (see below), I now am again. But in the meantime – it’s Ipswich time!! My wife’s mum teaches in Ipswich, so that must augur well.
Edinburgh Nov 26 – But are you not doing a month at the Fringe? Well, yes, I am. So why are you also doing Edinburgh on tour? Um. Yes. Fair question. I think it’s because a lot of people who actually LIVE in Edinburgh get the hell out during the Fringe time. Then they complain nobody goes there at other times. So I am. Let’s see what happens.
Portsmouth Nov 30 – Once in Portsmouth, a fight broke out in my audience and the gig turned into me commentating on it. Last year in Portsmouth, it was freezing cold in the venue, and on the way home it snowed and we nearly got trapped. What will happen in Portsmouth this time, kids?
Wolverhampton Dec 1 – Another example of a show which could be extraneous because of Birmingham, but I insist on treating Wolves as a separate place. A separate press that gets a less than glamorous press. I hope to bring it some joy.
Liverpool Dec 3 – Again, I’ve not played Liverpool in a solo show since 2005, and on that occasion (at the Unity), I had an audience of 24. We could beat that I reckon, this time. Scousers are famous for their humour. Which may mean they don’t need to come and see me. But hey, maybe I’ll do the first half, audience can do the second.
Halifax Dec 4 – I have played Halifax once before, in a double bill with Russell Howard. As Russell was bringing me on, I got a terrific nosebleed. I went on stage with my shirt covered in blood. I’d like people to come and see me so I can reassure them I am not normally covered in blood.
Southampton Dec 8 – Sold out the last two years, hence the decision to go both there and Portsmouth. I was also in Southampton the other day with my wife’s theatre company and, boy, was it sunny. I’m sure it will be on December 8th, too.
London Hammersmith Apollo Dec 10 – Bloody hell. Do come to this if you can.
NEW! Norwich Dec 12-14 These are not quite official yet, but thanks to constant Twitter heckling from disgruntled Norwich people, it looks like we will add shows here. So if you are one of these people who always pester me with ‘why don’t you play…?’ emails/tweets/shouts in the street, guess what, it works! Pester me more! Ruin my life!
…so there you go. I’ll return to the 2011 shows a little later. As you can see from the evidence, all of these shows are going to be great. You’d be as well to come. Go on. And that’s all the begging I will do, for a bit. I mean, I am actually good.
Posted by Knox on August 7, 2011
ps – by the way, rhcp – otherside – good song! even so – no need for any of that mugging business, no matter how cool the music on the ipod!
Posted by Knox on August 7, 2011
This is v long, and it is half past midnight, and i need to be up to eat in about 3 hours, so I’ll read the rest another time – I got as far as Brighton…
“On my way to Brighton last tour, I got mugged on my own street, while listening to my iPod (Otherside, by Red Hot Chili Peppers). Such is the niceness of Brighton that I still look back on the day with some fondness. I always like the seafront with the slightly rundown classical hotels too. Yep, Brighton will be good.”
Brighton is where I came to see you on my own a few years back (just checked – it was in 2007!) – I was freaked out about coming to a comedy show on my own, but that was outweighed by really wanting to see you. I was much too nervous to stay around to talk to you after the show, but got the lovely bonus of seeing you and Emily in the street just before it (I was so made up to see the two of you, I actually kind of didn’t really acknowledge the fact that I’d interrupted you from a conversation with simon amstell!). Good memories. :0)
Posted by aronjon on July 21, 2010
I think only you can decide whether or not you think you are psychic. Start keeping a dream and vision journal, and go back to it often. You’ll start to see a pattern, noe way or the other.
Posted by Jon on June 16, 2010
Got tickets for Norwich on 15th December, looking forward to it.
Posted by Andy on June 16, 2010
Mr Watson,
The Glasgow gig is indeed in a huge fucking venue. I will be there and not by myself. I will drum up more people nearer the time.
I saw FOTC at the Armadillo (Clyde Auditorium) and they sold it out. I also accompanied my pop to Grace Jones there and it was pretty empty. Two points here, I’m not a Grace Jones fan and not even Grace Jones sold it out. Not sure if that says something about the place, Grace Jones career or both.
Looking forward to the Glasgow gig, but first I have more important business in the World Cup.
Posted by James on June 15, 2010
Going to try and get your Bradford gig, St Georges Hall is a nice venue, last time I went I was only young and saw Ken Dodd do a 4+ hour gig.
Posted by Rob on June 15, 2010
Quick question: Am I right to assume that you will be doing the same show at the Cambridge Comedy Festival as you will be doing on tour?
Posted by Grumpog on June 15, 2010
Please add another venue – Canterbury – so we don’t have to go to London to say the code word and collect our £3. Suggest the Gulbenkian. Better facilities than school hall in Ashford (hard to believe but true).
Posted by Jack Gleadow on June 15, 2010
Hi Mark,
Im 15 and Just started getting interested in your comedy and am really enjoying would love to come to see the show in Hull and wondered if it would be possible to come and meet you after the show,
Thanks
Jack
Posted by Laura on June 15, 2010
Adams Park is a dump. Actually, High Wycombe is a dump (unless it has improved considerably since I moved away 9 years ago).
If you do really want to go there, you have to go towards West Wycombe, away from the town. I think it’s about 3 or 4 miles. Easiest to get a cab from the train station, I expect. Adams Park is quite close to the HellFire caves which are worth a visit if you’ve never been.
Can’t wait for London!
Posted by Martin Bellamy on June 15, 2010
4 tickets purchased for Preston on 12th October. It’s my 55th Birthday so I’ll expect a mention!
Posted by Louise on June 15, 2010
I got tickets to your Glasgow show the week they went on sale, I saw Flight of the Conchords in there a few months ago and it was amazing. I would also have chipped in a complaint about SECC related venues prices but after buying a single vodka in Notting Hill last week and being charged £7 maybe its not as bad as other places. Good luck on the tour, sure it will sell well especially after the fringe.
Posted by Lauren on June 15, 2010
I can’t wait for the glasgow show
the Clyde Auditorium is a great venue and I’m really looking forward to a great night 
see you there!
Posted by JoC on June 15, 2010
Moving to England in July, so bloody can’t wait for these gigs. Not sure where I’ll be based yet so haven’t bought tickets, but I promise I will! I’m so impressed by how much you’re travelling around the country, and am a little amazed that so many people get annoyed you’re not doing a gig in their home town. England is so small- get on a train people and you’ll be there in an hour!
Posted by Katie on June 14, 2010
The Armadillo (Glasgow venue, not the animal) is massive and the bar is expensive. £4.40 for a bottle of cider my arse.
(It is a lovely venue. It’s like a fecking aircraft hanger, though.)
Posted by lauren on June 14, 2010
dundee! I cant wait! Only 5 months…ha. Wooo!
x
Posted by Sarah (@misswiz) on June 14, 2010
I think Dunfermline will be a classic – partly because I live there, and will be at the gig, but also because the Alhambra is a lovely theatre…it was a bingo hall for 40 years and was rescued from demolition or redevelopment three years ago and restored to its former glory.
I really think you’ll like it.
Posted by Anji on June 14, 2010
Sort of wish I had brought tickets for Bristol now. Although 2011 isn’t that far away now right?!
Torquay will be epic as well tho right?! And Torquay is closer and makes more sense but…. If I win the lottery I will buy tickets for Bristol as well! Let’s cross those fingers!!
Posted by Iona on June 14, 2010
I want to see you at the Edinburgh festival but your show was really expensive compared to some :s also the fringe programme online said your book launch lasted 10 hours…? But hopefully I will come to both
and/or maybe the london show…
I think you should come to St Albans even though it is a bit of a boring and pathetic venue. Did I sell that well?
Posted by sssssarah on June 14, 2010
I’m joking about League 2 football by the way, it’s great.
Posted by sssssarah on June 14, 2010
Seeing as you’re playing Wycombe on a Saturday, you’ll have to pop down to Adams Park so you can tick it off your list of 92. If they’re playing at home that is, otherwise it’s a bit of a letdown. Well, actually I can’t guarantee it won’t be a letdown, but then that’s the nature of League 2 football.
Posted by Louise on June 14, 2010
I have just booked my tickets for Wycombe! And I’m planning on telling everyone I know about it so maybe I can fill the last third with people!
As for the football ground, it’s on an industrial estate which is in the middle of a housing estate slightly out of town. Not the best location it’s fair to say.
Posted by MusicalLottie on June 14, 2010
You did a gig with labyrinthitis?! Yikes! That’s dedication – well done you!
Posted by Laurs on June 14, 2010
Sorry, that should have said changes, not chances. Damn typing while trying to eat dinner and watch tv!
Posted by Laurs on June 14, 2010
I’m coming to Birmingham! I really can’t wait! I do believe my friends are sick of me wittering on about you and this blog and the TYSIC and everything else I have managed to lay my hands on!
And I am pondering Wolves too, simply because I am always intrigued to see how much of an evening chances depending on venue. Only trouble is, I’ve not really seen anyone before that I would consider paying to see the same tour twice. I shall check finances come pay day!
Posted by Kate W on June 14, 2010
Croydon is never on the list of tour dates, but I’m seeing you there regardless. *marches off to beat of own drummer*
Posted by LollyPolly on June 14, 2010
…so I shouldn’t bother coming to Fairfield Halls in Croydon on December 9th then?
Posted by Lizziepalmer on June 14, 2010
i’m coming to see you in halifax, but not to see that you’re not always covered in blood, as i wasn’t there the first time. so your reason is invalid for me!
can’t wait though
Posted by Heather on June 14, 2010
I really wish I could justify flying back to the UK a month or so after going over for the Edinburgh Fringe. Aberystwyth in particular sounds very enticing. Eerily creaking boats! Primitive trains! Mark Watson! What’s not to love?
Posted by Misha on June 14, 2010
In WAC’s defence it’s a little bit less slopey since they rebuilt it. But there is now a big lump taken out of the stage, (stage right if you want to look for it); where on it’s first ever night Minchin kicked his piano stool across the stage and scratched it. Out of a very big room i’m 90% sure i’m the only person to notice or care.
Posted by LaurenJ on June 14, 2010
Hello! long time reader, first time poster.um… hi!
Definitely making it to the Manchester date! very excited!
Regarding Grimsby, as someone who visits it regularly for family reasons, you’re not missing out on much… not even Grimsby Town FC .
Although I could always persuade my cousin to invite me over for a visit and we could see you at the Auditorium! Also whilst you’re in Grimsby, I recommend taking the ten minute drive to Cleethorpes simply for the best fish and chips. ever.
Posted by DeborahF on June 14, 2010
Aaah the Bless I have spent many hours in there over the last few years – I suspect it’s not changed a great deal since you were there.
By the way if you’re looking for a pub near to the Assembly Rooms try the Brewery Tap. I recommend their tasters of real ale served with chunks of cheese (http://www.derbybrewing.co.uk/brewery_tap.htm). It’s even open until midnight on Thursdays.
Posted by Rachael on June 14, 2010
I’m glad you ended with the fact that you are actually good, sometimes it seems like you forget that! See you in Norwich
Posted by Pandora on June 14, 2010
Birmingham WILL be fun, cos I’ll be there, and I’m determined that its going to be fucking brilliant to make up for my lack of Edinburgh this year. So, yeah, exciting. I’m really looking forward to it.
Posted by Dean on June 14, 2010
Last time you were at Warwick Arts Centre was Jan 2009 wasn’t it? I think you’re in the bigger/biggest room this time. You wouldn’t have been on there last time as it was being knocked down back then and being rebuilt again to look exactly the same, but with red chairs instead of green ones.
It’s less slopey, although still quite tall. It just also goes back a few miles. Fun fact: during the summer, the room is used for exams. So students may start having flashbacks should you do the “listen carefully, there’ll be a test later” line.
Posted by Catherine on June 14, 2010
Sorry….. posted itself.
…accomodations for 3 nights. And the second number is GBP.
Thanks, Cathy
Posted by Catherine on June 14, 2010
The Edinburgh Show fits in with my Thanksgiving break. Now, if you could just send me $1,100 or 756 for airfare and a
Posted by glamlovinkitty on June 14, 2010
I bought tickets for Glasgow and Dunfermline the day they went on sale. Dunfermline because that show coincides with my other half’s birthday. Glasgow because I live here.
Glasgow shows are awesome. I don’t know a comedian that doesn’t love doing gigs here.
Yes, the venue is huge, and comfortable, which is very important.
Kilmarnock, to be fair, isn’t just a lowlight of your last tour Mark. It’s a lowlight of the creation of the universe.
Posted by Kathryn on June 14, 2010
I will stop moaning at you about not being able to buy tickets yet and focus on the fact that I could be at any one of four different shows you are doing. It’s exciting. I could turn up in England, Scotland or Wales. (This is true.)
Posted by Michael King on June 14, 2010
The tickets for my girlfriend and I for the Southampton gig (live in Plymouth, but will be at uni in Southampton barring a disaster in exams) arrived some time ago, a lot of seats were already taken. We got the two seats together nearest to the stage, and they were row I, and a few rows behind that were already sold out, if I remember correctly. We look forward to seeing you!
Posted by (Magnificent) Josh on June 14, 2010
I feel really bad about not coming to Ipswich, it’s not very far for me at all. Unfortunately I A) don’t have anyway to get there and B) will most likely have no money at all by that point
If I could get a lift then I would be there.
Posted by Lionel d'Lion on June 14, 2010
So you’re now saying that playing Norwich will ruin your life? I can understand that.
Thanks for coming back to Norwich anyway – consider me one gruntled tweeter.
Posted by Anna Lowman on June 14, 2010
An epic post.
Posted by Phill on June 14, 2010
When I bought tickets for the Ipswich gig it looked like about 1/3 of the tickets had already sold. So I guess you must be pretty popular here in the East!
Looking forward to it though
Posted by h2osarah on June 14, 2010
Go to Mark’s shows! Just do it! I saw Mark in Toronto, then in several different shows in Edinburgh last year. You will love it!! I wish he was coming to Canada on this tour. So I need all of you to go in my place!
Posted by Alice on June 14, 2010
Very excited for Bristol gig, haven’t seen a show of yours since Leeds City Varieties, rather like that I’m maintaining the Victorian surroundings.
Topic (if I’m first) favourite theatres/venues