Happiness for you and me
Today, I am going to devote much less space than is needed to another of the questions someone asked me to address recently (having won the right to do so, by posting the first Comment): is it possible to find happiness, in this tricky old life of ours? Is anyone ever actually happy, and if they are, do they realise it? (I’m loosely paraphrasing Thackeray’s ‘Vanity Fair’ here, literature fans, but without the Latin bits) If it is realistic to be happy – given that many of the richest, most successful, most loved people on earth often don’t seem to manage it – then, um, how do you do it?
This question is a pressing one for pretty much anyone, and it’s close to the heart of this blog, which I set up partly to pursue my goal of becoming an optimist. I’d come to the conclusion that if I tried to emphasise the many positives of my life to myself, I’d be happier. I’ve managed to spend a fair bit of my thirty years either not being happy, or at least convincing myself I could/should be happier, despite having most of the things (reasonable financial security, love, job satisfaction, cat, trousers) which you’d think would make a person content. Although it’s early days for my optimism experiment, I’ve already noticed that being happy is to some extent a choice, just like being unhappy; you can always put a positive spin on even the shittest things, and find ways to pour cold water on the best news in the world, and you regularly meet people who do one or the other relentlessly. So my first answer is that happiness is something, to some extent, you can talk yourself into: at least to the extent that you can always learn to feel happier about whatever the facts of your life are.
This leads on to my main conclusion, if I had a conclusion which came from thinking this subject through like an adult, rather than just putting one word almost randomly in front of the other as I have been. Essentially, happiness depends on the gap between what you have, and what you tell yourself you want, or are entitled to. Feeling happy is therefore, to a huge extent, all about working out what’s a realistic desire, and being grateful when you get it. If a mysterious man had come up to me with a package, in 2000, which contained my current life, and asked me if I wanted to take it or gamble on something better, without question I would have gone for this life. (I’d obviously have taken steps to find out who the man was, and what gave him this power.) I have an existence which would have seemed paradise to me ten years ago, and would even more certainly seem amazing to a lot of people less lucky. That I still manage to be unhappy sometimes merely shows that I don’t stop often enough to think about this obvious fact.
But that’s human nature – always wanting more – which brings me to my final point (if, again, I was properly dealing in ‘points’). More than one friend of mine is a big advocate of ‘living in the moment’, I e having no regrets about the past and no anticipation of the future, simply to enjoy each single fragment of your life to the fullest extent. Mmm, that butter’s melted nicely on that toast. Ooh, it’s sunny and there goes a bird. Hey, no-one’s yet found out I did that murder – I can stay in the campsite. And so on. Now, this is very difficult to do in practice, and as I’ve observed before, ‘living in the moment’ has some pretty obvious limitations – you fail to plan things like birthdays and job interviews, and you discard your fond memories of eating that birthday cake in the shape of Robert Pattinson. But there is something important at the bottom of it. We’re all probably capable of enjoying things enormously if we take time from hour by hour to recognise them; it goes wrong as soon as we insist on seeing our lives as some sort of grand narrative. Corry did an excellent guest blog on this a couple of weeks ago, and I won’t repeat her points, but yes – if happiness exists anywhere, in exists in small, transitory things. Rather than being sad about this, we should hoover up those small transitory things and not torture ourselves over whether someone else has more, or we could have more of them. That’s what I think.
Philosophers have devoted lifetimes to working out what happiness is. I’ve only been able to devote a tube journey to it. Do fill out my half-essay with ideas of your own. Especially if you are a philosopher. Or happy. Thanks.
Posted by Knox on May 25, 2011
ps – i sometimes get overwhelmed with happiness at the amazingness of the people i know – this song helps to demonstrate that. i’m not sure if all the lyrics back up the feeling, but it just sounds like happiness to me (despite what it’s called) – how can you hear those horns and *not* feel happy? Just that guy’s hat is enough to make me grin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egX0jsWdqV4
pps – @wotS – i have definitely had that lyric as my fb status at least once before!
Posted by Knox on May 25, 2011
Don’t have anything to add really. Happiness for me tends to be most things: getting a good word in Scrabble, hanging out with excellent people (these tend to be my niece and my friends), finding a good video on youtube, taking a good photo, music, mucking about with colleagues, wordplay, good books… you get the picture. Basically everything you said – being content with little things, and being able to laugh off most rubbish things (even if only very eventually).
Posted by WotS on July 5, 2010
I really need to get back up to date with these blogs – just read this one over a month late! But I felt it important to comment all the same for 2 reasons:
1) No one has yet mentioned Sheryl Crow’s lyric ‘it’s not having what you want, it’s wanting want you’ve got’ – wise words, easier said than done, which leads me to…
2) I have a really bad tendency, which I’m trying hard to reduce, of always wanting what I haven’t got. My partner believes that no matter what job I do etc, I will never quite be happy because I always want something different.
I’ve pinned this tendency down to something more fundamental though – which I think is perhaps the thing that truly stops me being happy. Fear of regret. I’m always worried about looking back when I’m grey and old and wishing I had done things differently, regretting the things I haven’t done. This, I think, is the main driving force that 1) makes me question what I’m doing with my life all too often, and 2) makes it so hard for me to make any kind of decision. Every decision to do something is a decision against something else, and I constantly worry about missing out of something.
I think I may have finally found my self improvement challenge!
Posted by Sam on June 1, 2010
I’ve found Mark’s post and everyone’s comments really interesting to read. It’s such a personal viewpoint – happiness!
As for my take on it, I have to say that I’m a generally happy person. My personal recipe to happiness is in my outlook, a combination of contentment, optimisim and a dash of ambition.
I know some people may snigger at this (maybe not on this blog as you all seem lovely) and think that I’ve obviously never had it tough and don’t have the worries other people do. Well, that’s not true – i’ve had my fair share of loss and struggle, but I’ve never let it overwhelm me or make me bitter.
I’m one of those (possibly annoying) people who considers the glass to be half-full. My motto is ‘it’ll be fine’. And you know what – for the most part – it is! Obviously, that’s not to say that bad things don’t or won’t happy but just that in the day-to-day goings on you don’t worry about the ifs/whens/wheres of the bad stuff that might not happen – but you can deal with the bad stuff if it does. (Not sure that makes sense, but I know in my head what I mean – don’t worry about stuff that might not happen, if it’s going to happen it will whether you were worried or not).
Contentment is also my other path to happiness – being content with what I’ve got, where I am etc, but with a little ambition thrown in. But not too much that I end up unsatisfied with my current situation, but not too little that I also end up complacent and stagnant. So maybe 70% contentment, 30% ambition and a generally positive outlook?
Posted by Catherine on May 31, 2010
Good work Amycool.
Posted by amycool on May 31, 2010
It has taken me all day (not literally all day – I have been doing other things) to work out which song the title comes from. Or at least which song it is in, as it could well be just a string of words…
“What I used to be will pass away and then you’ll see
That all I want now is happiness for you and me”
Posted by Kate B on May 31, 2010
I find the things that make me happy most of the time are those wonderful small things; a smile from a stranger, a sunny day or a funny conversation with a friend. But I think one of the reasons a lot of people, at least I know that I do this myself, struggle with happiness is because they expect and want it to be a constant thing. I think that happiness is just a small moment in time, it doesn’t last for very long but you find new things to renew this happiness, however small it may seem.
Posted by Chris on May 31, 2010
Hey! There is NOTHING wrong with Bath Spa! Nothing! Well not much anyway.
Posted by Ben Draper on May 31, 2010
I once tried living in the moment and it was awful. You just end up spending loads of money and with no food in your fridge because it is impossible to shop whilst living in the moment. Or work or self improve. It’s a bit dull after a while, you lose meaning in your life, it becomes transient and empty. Life requires the anchor of future and past to give it any sense at all.
I’m almost always happy but whenever an unhappy thought strikes me I just think to myself “At least I don’t go to Bath Spa uni”, (I go to Bath Uni). (Sorry if you read this and go to Bath Spa, it’s not too bad a place; much better than Leeds
.
Posted by Rachael on May 31, 2010
Focus on the good things. Got it, I will do my best. James Dean said “Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today” which is a great quote but most of the time I just feel guilty for not doing it.
Posted by Emmy on May 31, 2010
That was a fantastic blog Mark. Thank you.
Being grateful for what I have at the moment is something I’m trying to work on, especially since my philosophy for most of my life has been ‘It sucks now, let’s try something different and maybe it will be better!’. This has led to me jumping between jobs/courses/hobbies/what have you with alarming frequency. I must learn to calm down and just live, rather than hoping for perfection. Or something.
But, now that you mention it, I think if someone had told me aged 9 that this would be my life, I would have thought it was really cool. Or I would have been annoyed that I didn’t even attempt to get into Harvard, as that was what I thought being 19 would bring for me. Strange how things work out.
But, in general, thank you for writing this. I needed it. And on a different note, I went to Foyle’s in Charing Cross yesterday on a whim and they were sold out of all your books. Every single one. So congratulations! You are doing very well!
Posted by issey on May 31, 2010
I would say that I’m pretty happy. What I do is sort of live in the moment. I remember the good things in the past and forget the bad things. I find something to look forward to, however small and not think too much about anything I’m not looking forward to. Then I enjoy the little things as they happen. Right now I’m enjoying listening to 6music and I made an amazing cup of tea
Posted by amycool on May 31, 2010
When I first read about Mark’s quest for optimism I genuinely thought I was an averagely optimistic person, but I’ve come to realise that I’m really not. I’m ridiculously pessimistic to the point where I always imagine the very worst that could happen.
Despite this, I find that I’m really quite happy most of the time, which I think is the best one can hope for. You need those horribly sad and despairing times to make the happy times seem richer.
My philosophy of happiness is described quite well in a book called The Tao of Pooh. In one story, Pooh and Piglet are going to a birthday party and Pooh accidentally eats all the honey he is taking as a gift and Piglet pops the balloon (another gift). They’re very sad but then the person whose birthday it is (owl maybe?) points out that this is perfect because they can use the empty pot of honey to store the balloon, which otherwise wouldn’t have fit.
Another story that I read in a magazine is about a man who sees a fish stuck in a rock-pool that’s quickly evaporating. He rescues the fish and his friend says, “What’s the point? There are probably loads of fish dying every day in rock-pools.” The man says, “Yes, but this particular fish is now okay.” Admittedly, I’ve paraphrased quite badly there but you get the picture. Even doing tiny good deeds can make the world of difference to someone, like sponsoring a child for example.
In conclusion, life is made up of lots of tiny good things and some tiny bad things. Seek out the former and make the best you can out of the latter.
I really must stop writing these essay length comments.
Posted by Phill Sacre on May 31, 2010
“…I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”
Do you know where that comes from? No, not a self-help book.
It’s the apostle Paul, writing in c. AD 62 [Philippians 4:11-12]
As you rightly observe, I think happiness is an attitude, and you can ‘learn’ it to an extent.
Posted by Madeleine on May 31, 2010
For me, the key to happiness (or at least, what holds the sadness back) is living in the future. I have to ignore what’s going on right now and focus on the fact that things are coming up that should make everything much better. This is the opposite of what you should do of course, but I’m just so dissatisfied with my life at the moment that I have to belive that this isn’t it. This blog has helped me to look around and appreciate some little things that are going well right now however, and that’s been very good. They just never seem like the right things.
This is all very self involved of course.
I have a house. I got an A+ on my last history assignment. Today I ate an entire bag of lollies. Not being greatful enough for all this is something that I’m really trying hard to change.
In the future when I am happy I promise to share with everyone how it’s done.
Posted by lex on May 31, 2010
My (theoretical) strategy for feeling happy in life is, like you say Mark, centred on collecting up all of the transitory moments of contentment I can. I try to notice them when they happen, before I get so bogged in the observation that I lose the experience (inevitable?). Like sitting here. I have still-warm coffee from the cafe, a cigarette yet to smoke, some wine gums, no pain in my body, two whole days left to edit my impending argument essay, two pairs of socks on (mm, niiice) and the heater on under my desk. Medium term, I have real progression on the horizon and longer term I have… plans (plots? either way..).
Anyway, I find that in theory (though my complacency often unlearns me of this lesson (as well as the lessons in my english degree, apparently)), that if you use the ‘mind muscle’ (for want etc…) that notices these happy moments, however banal, you will see more and more of them. THEN, at the end of a month (or whatever other arbitrarily defined span of time you please), you can look back over all your happy moments and see that they add up to a life that is peppered with pleasure at least as much as it is punctured by pessimism. But you know. Works for me (sometimes).
NZ: I am here. It’s cold at the moment and damp. We have lots of sky and interesting bush noises. The light here is different from the light in Europe. We know how to conduct an comprehensively fulfilling New Years party on the beach. We have one big (ish) hugely multicultural city which is an eighth of the size of London. I’m ready to get TF out of here, so the idealism of distance does not yet harangue my mind with illusive visions of patriotic nostalgia. It can be mind-breakingly parochial and occasionally soul-achingly progressive. It is, to coin an awful cliche, a flightless bird: contradictory, resourceful, persistent, pedestrian and furry.
And I love it. Sort of in the same way as you love your annoying brother.
Posted by Heather on May 31, 2010
I love your list of reasons for being happy, although I believe some people might as easily find happiness in a lack of trousers. It all depends on context, I suppose…
And I tend to put one word randomly after another; saying that you put one randomly in front of the other makes me think you write backwards! Which would be a neat trick if you could manage it.
Posted by Megan on May 31, 2010
I once was stuck for conversation with a friend of a friend (a very strange, darkly humoured German) and asked how his dog, Blue, was doing.
“Oh, not so well.”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Well, when you have such a spoilt life as she does, every day is a disappointment.”
Posted by David on May 31, 2010
Hello!
In answer to your query I’m happy (I just stopped having the flu, had a pizza and watched black books) and my girlfriend is a philosopher.
So, happiness.
Well there was a philosopher called Epicurus (341 – 270 BC) who thought a lot about happiness and was very good at it. What he said was wildly separate from the word Epicurean today, he didn’t think you should consume consume consume. He thought that firstly, it wasn’t a sin to be happy, and that’s quite an important point in itself but he also thought that you couldn’t really buy happiness. He liked love and sex and beautiful things but he didn’t think that you could just go and buy them. The key point that he made was that wanting stuff made you unhappy and one of the major things that make you want stuff even then was adverts (although then it was adverts in the markets rather than on TV). He reckoned that you should have lots of good friends and live in a big house and eat and chat and generally chill out.
So that’s all very well, but there is more. He thought about Freedom. Normally this is a very wishy washy concept, but basically he meant that you had to be able to do what you want, so being in lots of debt is bad because you have to work to pay it, even if you like work that’s still not freedom. That’s not to say that you need to be rich, but it suggests that the more free you are to run of to Antigua (or Devon, or anywhere really) at a moments notice you are then the happier you will be.
The third and trickiest bit is that you should live an “analysed life”. All this really means is that you should sit in the sun now and then and ask yourself “How’s all this going?” and see what the answer is.
So in summary, avoid adverts (sorry, even ones for cider)
live simply with lots of friends
Try to avoid too many entangling commitments (of the non social kind) and occasionally have a think about your life.
Posted by Kate W on May 31, 2010
Excellent answer to a thorny question, I thought. Particularly liked “it goes wrong as soon as we insist on seeing our lives as some sort of grand narrative” – even if our lives were a grand narrative, we wouldn’t know that till they were over. This sounds like your optimism experiment’s going pretty well. Must go and find Corry’s blog, which I missed….
(For anyone finding locating those happy moments difficult, or wanting to create more of them, could I recommend “59 Seconds” by Richard Wiseman? http://59seconds.wordpress.com/2010/05/03/take-the-instant-mood-test/#more-312 It’s a self-help book, but based on proper academic research, and full of concrete tips on things you can do to feel happier. Something else worth trying comes from the Angry Feet forum and its “Reasons to be Cheerful” thread; writing down one thing every day to be cheerful about (even if it’s something tiny like a cup of tea or something good on TV) really can make you feel cheerier.)
Posted by Chris on May 31, 2010
Edit: Just read Corrys post. Sometimes I do forget how lucky I am.
Posted by Chris on May 31, 2010
Of course it is possible to be happy! But it is entirely psychological (attributions, perceptions, conditioning, bla bla bla all in the mind). Does your mood really reflect the situation you are in? Are there people in a worse state but happier? (in most cases yes). I would happily radiate some happiness to anybody in need over the medium of wifi but I don’t think they’ve cracked that one yet.
BUT to a certain extent you have to live for the moment too. You have to. Change. Move on. Find something new. Because otherwise you will become used to whatever it was that made you happy to begin with and get bored or ungrateful of it. Likewise you have to be sad or in bad situations at times in order to appreciate how lucky/successful you are now. Take the rough with the smooth. My last couple of weeks have been crap (exams and stuff bad), but today was my sisters birthday and we had a party (drinking and laughing good). That’s what I find, may be a me thing.
Variety is the spice of life, as my Dad says…
Disclaimer: I have no intentions of murdering anybody in a campsite (4th paragraph) and I never forget a good cake. “R Patz” can be erased from the memory though. Forever.
I will now search for Corrys blog. Cheer up you lot!
Posted by (Magnificent) Josh on May 31, 2010
I often think to myself. “Joshua (well actually, I don’t, I call myself that so infrequently I often forget it’s my name), are you happy? If not, how could you become happy? Would it ever be enough?”
…
and then I see that the squirrel in my garden has gone insane again and I smile for hours.
Ignorance is bliss.
Posted by Shell on May 30, 2010
I would say that I do ‘try’ to live in the moment and being spontaneous makes me happy. All too often however, I end up spoiling things for myself by worrying about what ‘might’ happen or worse snatching defeat right out of the jaws of success by focusing on the one negative in a situation instead of the many positives.
So I think you are right it is a decision, to some extent, but it can be hard to thwart deeply embedded bad habits like the above.
Corry’s blog was lovely and inspiring. I agree that there is great happiness to be found in just ‘appreciating’ something once in a while.
Sometimes life can really feel at it’s best though when that happens naturally and you find yourself suddenly all ‘sparkly’ and full of joy, whatever it is about – something big or small. It’s the noticing it that seems to be the key and then allowing that moment or moments to enjoy it. Corry said this so much better.
Posted by Estee on May 30, 2010
I think you are an awesome man.
I was only thinking today about how nobody is really happy; there’s always something that could be better and most people just put a face on to suggest otherwise. But I think you’re right about the mindset… even if it is incredibly hard to let yourself see the good in times of shit.
When I’m happy I think ‘well, look at all the good things! I’ve got family and the world is a big place of beautiful things.’ But when you’re not happy, nothing can make you see that. So then you’ve just got to think, ‘well… it doesn’t really matter anyway’, but that can lead to getting on with things, or not.
Comedy makes me happy :]
Posted by Kathryn on May 30, 2010
I like to think I’m quite optimistic; bad moods or a sense of depression tend to last for about half an hour, which is pretty good. Then again, the most I generally have to contend with is not quite understanding a maths problem or my laptop being slightly broken. So it’s easy to “bounce back” from minor inconveniences, so to speak.
I feel that I’ve never experienced that much in life to dent my positivity, apart from losing both my grandmothers and my dad being disabled. And even then, both ladies lived till 90 and my dad is only severely partially sighted so he’s independent, which is good.
Not that my opinion’s worth much, but I think it comes down to finding happiness in the small things (as Corry mentioned so much more eloquently) like “well, I’ve just lost all my coursework, but at least I have cake.” Or remembering that it could be so much worse. Which is good to keep in mind when you’ve failed your driving test for the 4th time and been told to your face that you are a failure by your mother. Not that this happened to me.
I’m also prone to severe self-analysis, sorry.
Posted by Natalie-Helen on May 30, 2010
Corey, agree with you compeletly about Eleven making a good film! Also you can review it on Waterstone already. ^_^
I think sometimes I ignore the things that make me happy becuase there seems to be little future in them or they seem like a waste of time. Like, I’m quite creative but when I feel like painting or making something (which makes me happy) I end up feeling like I’m wasting my time becuase it isn’t adding to my degree.
Stepping back and looking at how lucky you are and how well things are going really is always a good way to realise how happy you are.
Count your blessings I guess so you can see the silver lining.
^_^
Posted by lisa brunders on May 30, 2010
Thanks for the reminder Mark. I’m happily going to sleep now, and instead of sheep I’ll be counting my blessings.
Posted by Misha on May 30, 2010
I don’t think it’s possible to be happy all the time. For example i’m happy right now, even though I’ve managed to make a tea ring stain on my teeshirt (I don’t know either) but I’ve just got in from seeing comedy with one of my best friends. Happy. But first thing this morning I had a hangover and the cat decided to wake me up at the crack of dawn, not so happy. It’s a fluid thing.
I suppose you have to work for the positives though. I did truly come up with what I think may be the bleakest silver lining in existence earlier, (here http://twitter.com/howlieT/status/15052265281) Since my mum died my lung capacity has increased exponentially. Just because i’m not around passively taking in smoke anymore. So maybe that’s being happy.
Really I think being happy is more a combination of living in the moment, as well as remembering nice things and anticipating more good things to come. When you’re depressed (medically so) you can’t remember good things, you recall things negatively. And you don’t plan ahead. One of the signs I was finally okay was when I realised I was looking forward to going on holiday in 6 months time, before then I couldn’t envision next week. So I’d say that’s the secret to being happy. Focus on the good things that have happened, are happening and have yet to happen.
(apologies for the length of the comment)
Posted by Helen on May 30, 2010
oh so close to first comment again. I don’t actually have any pressing topic I really want you to discuss, I’d just quite like to be first. As I said, One Day.
This has made me think. Lots of good things have happened and yet I dwell on the bad. And true also about the the fleeting moments – things like today getting a text from someone who I’d lost contact with. It makes me feel really quite happy that someone made the effort. I have to say your whole offer-life-in-a-box thing is a very good way to look at things, it’s made me feel happier about my life now.
Posted by Corey on May 30, 2010
I’m an optimist by design so as a matter of course I always put a positive spin on everything. I can feel and hear myself doing it as and when things I didn’t want to happen….well, happen. This kinda slows me down though because a pessimist is never happy and will strive for more, whereas I tend to be happy as I am so will be very lazy about pushing for more to make things even better!. Don’t know which is best really?
We’re all different.
Enjoyed ‘Eleven’, will make a good film I think. Will review it when Amazon lets me.
Posted by Corey on May 30, 2010
Yep, it is. My topic for future discussion is New Zealand. A place I had the pleasure of going to a couple of years ago and would very much like to go back to.
Posted by Corey on May 30, 2010
Is this my first first comment?