Paranoid man(droid)
People are giving me funny looks. It’s been going on all day – in fact, not just all day, but the past couple of weeks. I’ve spent most of this period pushing the baby around various city centres while my wife directs her play in a series of arts theatres. Sometimes I pause to answer an email or write my blog on a tiny laptop, as I am now, in blazing sunshine in my handsome and increasingly swanky birth-town of Bristol. Sometimes I go into shops and try to buy stuff before Kit starts to cry. Occasionally, if there’s a football stadium in the town that I’ve not visited, I go and stare at it (I’m aiming to visit all 92 league grounds eventually. That’s right – I’m weird). Whatever I’m up to, I try to do it in the most inconspicuous manner possible, like anyone else minding their own business in a city.
But people are looking. Their eyes flicker with amusement as I pass them. They mutter and glance up and look down again. They stare for an uncomfortably long time across a shopping precinct. Occasionally they meet my eye and nod, confidentially, as if at an old acquaintance. Or alternatively: none of this happens, and I’m just becoming incredibly paranoid.
There are two main reasons why people might look at me: I’m a man pushing a pram, which is a sort-of-unusual sight on a workday, but surely, in this day and age, not that unusual. The other reason is, of course, that I’m on the TV.
The thing is, I’m really not on very often – lots of bits and pieces, perhaps, but it’s not like I’m a regular host, or have my own show like (say) Russell Howard, or even appear much in the shows I do feature in. If I were as famous as Jonathan Ross, then there could be no ambiguity: I’d be aware that everyone I encountered, almost everywhere in the country, was fully conscious of who I was, and definitely was staring at me. Likewise, if I had no TV career at all to speak of, I could safely dismiss these impressions of mine as definite paranoia. Because of the odd middle ground I’m in, it’s very hard to tell if I’m slightly more famous than I imagine, or slightly more mental than I would hope.
Although my television CV is a pretty negligible one, if you add up all the people who have ever used their TV set to look at me, it is a considerable tally. Millions of people saw the Magners ads (sigh). More than a million saw me host Never Mind The Buzzcocks, which means a million – a MILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! – were looking mostly at me for half an hour, only occasionally getting the eye-candy of Minchin as a consolation. More than 30 people watched We Need Answers. And so it goes on. It’s probably true to say that of the 60 million-ish people who live in this country, not far short of ten percent have, at some point, seen me on a screen.
But would they register it, let alone remember? TV is a famously very shallow and disposable medium. You watch something for a bit, think ‘that was fun, what’s next?’ and move on pretty quickly. Even someone like my Mock The Week colleague Dara – to the comedy fan, a household name – might go unrecognised by many people who’d had the show on in the background every week for years. Someone like me, who makes very little impression on the world in general, can appear to millions without staying in any of their brains.
But it does seem as if some vestige of my face is lodging in the memories of enough people to mean that if I walk the streets, I’ll get looked at. OR I’ll imagine I am being looked at. It would be nice to get to the bottom of which it is.
So, listen, a lot of you are very ingenious and in some cases scientifically-minded people. Can we devise some sort of mathematical test of exactly how famous I am? I’m open to suggestions. Maybe ten volunteers go around with a picture asking ‘do you know this man?’ Maybe everyone reading this blog asks five people at work. I’ll leave it up to the community to discuss this. If we can arrive at some sort of conclusion as to my celebrity status or otherwise, it would be a huge relief and I could get on with my life, or with seeking help, as appropriate. Thank you.
PS I’m getting further and further behind with ‘first comment’ requests. But it’s still worth making them. I’ll catch up. You wait.
Posted by Knox on May 24, 2011
It’s funny the number of people (well ok, maybe just two) who’ve referenced Charlie Brooker. I thought I saw Charlie Brooker yesterday, but kept walking and didn’t do a double take, because I didn’t want to look like I was looking. He eventually overtook me, and it wasn’t him. Well, it was him, whoever he was, but he wasn’t Charlie Brooker.
This comment is too late to be relevant – now, as far as I’m concerned, anyone who doesn’t recognise you is a bit weird. Even my mum recognises you (sort of – she is liable to get you muddled up with a few other tall dark haired comedians, but generally she’s gotten quite good).
Posted by Anji on May 30, 2010
For some reason I totally missed this. I’ve had a lot of blonde moments recently.
Anyway, I was in work the other day, answering phones, being overly nice to overly rude patients. You hear a lot of things in a waiting room. I was on the phone. 2 people in reception talking, I suddenly heard them mention you. I then got in a bit of a tither as I wanted to join in the conversation – they are seeing you on tour as am I – but couldn’t as was booking someone in. Who was also called Mark, I asked his surname and had a total blank and said ‘Watson?’ he laughed, and said ‘no, wish I could say it was and be half as funny’.
It was all a little too much for me to handle to be honest.
So see, people do know who you are. And I think the whole double take/stare comes from the fact you can’t quite beleive your seeing ‘someone off the telly’ and if it’s outside of London I’d imagine it’s like it’s out of context. Because famous people can be expected there, not where I/ general pulic actually live.
Posted by h2osarah on May 30, 2010
I am moderately scientifically minded, but sadly, said science has broken my mind today and I can think of nothing. If I do, I’ll let you know. Could it be that, in addition to being on the telly, more people are staring cos you have a baby? Whenever I see babies and dogs I have a tendency to smile at their owner. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself. You make excellent eye candy too. x
Posted by lisa brunders on May 29, 2010
Hi again.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot today, and I’ve realised that I didn’t recognise you until you started daily blogging and Tysic! I was shocked to realise this because you, and this blog, are such a part of my daily life now.
I looked up the Magners Ad and recognised it, but hadn’t realised at the time it was you, or indeed anyone famous.
I watched We Need Answers too, but didn’t recognise any of you.
I’m sorry that this is possibly not what you wanted to hear, but I felt I should be straight with you as you’re always straight with us.
Fame is a strange thing. When you blogged about Frankie Boyle I had to look him up before I realised who he was. I recognised him, and the name, but hadn’t put the two together.
I’ve always thought it’s daft putting your name in the title of your show, or endlessly name checking yourself, but I can see it works now.
Posted by Phill Elliott on May 29, 2010
I saw you in the Spyglass this evening but didn’t want to say anything since you were with a group of friends. Just saw you then realised I had read this yesterday, what’s the protocol with fans coming up to you?
Posted by MusicalLottie on May 29, 2010
Oh bother, forgot about the scientific testing method. I quite like the idea of going around with a picture of you and asking people ‘do you recognise this man?’ and then if yes, asking where from, and keeping a tally. But I’d never have the courage to do that … unless I were to take a(n expensive) trip down to London and stand outside tube stations, maybe.
Posted by MusicalLottie on May 29, 2010
Interesting comments there. As somebody’s already pointed out, the people that know you like you, and surely that’s better than being very well-known but with a significant percentage of people not liking you.
My siblings and I watch quite a lot of comedy shows and have done for a couple of years now (since we finally got Freeview – Dave is possibly the most-watched channel in our house, closely followed by Virgin1 for Star Trek) but our parents still don’t know you by name! They recognise your face though, thankfully.
Another point that I think may have been made is that it depends what people like – I know the names and faces of many comedians (though I don’t actually bother with going to see them live – yet) but I wouldn’t recognise many footballers or Eastenders actors, and certainly no Hollyoaks actors! But I would recognise someone from Casualty or Holby City. {And here is the point at which I lost my train of thought.}
It could also be a case of ‘aww, isn’t it nice that a dad’s out with his child’ in an age when young dads don’t always stick around. Which is possibly a better reason
Posted by Aislinn on May 29, 2010
Any of my friends that have heard of you generally know you as ‘the Welsh one with dark hair and glasses from Mock The Week’. A couple of the more comedy-savvy ones know We Need Answers, and the ones that have no idea are the ones who, as has been pointed out in previous comments, the ones that like things like Hollyoaks and Robert Pattinson.
My family know who you are from my incessant ramblings, though. I’m working on a quiz for my friends for my birthday (I’m so cool) and in the comedy round, when I tested my sister, she kept guessing you, as ‘Mark Watson’s got to be the answer for one of them if you wrote this quiz.’
Posted by Natalie-Helen on May 29, 2010
Someone is spot on really. I mean I’ve had to explain who Eddie Izzard is to people before. And explain it as “the guy who did all those marathons for charity” rather than as a comedian.
But these are generally people who are generally interested in Hollyoaks.
So no loss there really.
^_^
Posted by Someone on May 29, 2010
Yeah, I reckon there’s two groups of people in the world (slightly over-simplified there but we’ll run with it…)… people who actively love comedy and go to shows and know comedians, and these people would know you because of all the many many things you have done. And then the rest of the world are dull and lame and for some reason seems to constitute a much larger overall percentage.. but these people don’t seem to know who any comedian ever invented is… unless it’s like Bill Bailey. So yes, i’m constantly trying to explain who my current favourite comedian is to friends and family. When i describe you I tend to say the guy who had a welsh accent but does nae more. Sorry, but i thought that’s quite a distinctive fact about you… if i say you’ve been on Mock the Week and Argumental they tend to say ‘oh i THINk i know who you mean…’ but yeah it’s not just you. They don’t know Charlie Brooker!! And I know i’ve sat down and watched Screenwipe WITH some of them.. so there’s no hope.
.
Also I play the game y’know in adverts where you have to name the voice-over celebrity in each, and I’m pretty good at it if i do say so, but i never saw the magners adverts! I had to youtube them a while back to see the fuss! Ah well, You’re still climbing. Also as surveys go- 1/5 housemates know you… but as I say.. that is by name. I think 3/5 would know your face
Posted by Dawn on May 29, 2010
Mark,
Have you ever thought that maybe people are looking at you on the streets because you are a good looking guy?
Posted by Madeleine on May 29, 2010
You’re not wildly famous to people I know yet, but the couple that do know you, LOVE you. I think that’s pretty important. Due to the fact the we get neither buzzcocks nor We need Answers in Australia (how do I live like this?) I am generally forced to use “he was on good news week, and spick and specks!” to jog people’s memories, which narrows it down to EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. I am your one girl street team however, and have forced many of my friends/family/neighbours/people on the street to watch you on youtube, so hopefully soon many people will know you as “freakin brilliant British commedian… Who’s been on Good News Week”
Posted by Natalie-Helen on May 29, 2010
People I know who are really interested in comedy definately know who you are.
I get lots of OHHH HIIM once I’ve described the sort of welsh, dark haired often beardy glasses wearing fast talking person that you are
And lots of people look at me blankly, as if I describe a talking poo ( but we all know that is possible in South Korea)
However alot of people couldn’t pick our deputy PM out of a line up and I’d look at you blankly if a football player or soapstar walked past so who knows really.
You should also know that people could be looking at you in a “Ah isn’t that lovely,” Dad out with his son kind of way.Or the fact that Kit has sicked up on your shoulder and you haven’t noticed yet.
^_^
Posted by Lauren on May 29, 2010
I have to agree with Kathryn that most of my friends have no idea who i talk about most of the time. Example being, i went to see Rhod Gilbert a while back with some of the few friends who do know him and after posting photos with him on Facebook, most people commented with ‘Is this your boyfriend? He’s a bit old for you isn’t he?’ (i’m 17 and Rhod is in his early 40s – i think, so they really have no idea).
So yeah, i would say you’re famous to us who do know you.. everyone else is just missing out.
Posted by deanna on May 29, 2010
I saw you in Melbourne last year, and I stared a little bit…sorry…You’re fairly recognisable (I’d only seen you in posters and on the NZ Comedy festival show), but I think people are pretty good about respecting the privacy of people they’ve seen on the telebox.
Posted by OJTS on May 29, 2010
In a similar fashion to ‘Do you know this man?’ I’ve got pictures of comedians all over my school folders, and of course, you’re on there at least once.
So far of my school friends and randoms in my class nobody know who you are. I’m quite disappointed by this.
On the TV side of things, when you did shows in Perth a few years ago there were adverts on the telly and that’s how I knew you and came along. So you probably aren’t all that paranoid.
Posted by Rachel Winter on May 29, 2010
sorry – typo central in that last comment!
it shoudl of course say ‘looking after their own children’ near the end.
Posted by Rachel Winter on May 29, 2010
It’s probably that they recognise you, but not sure qute where from.
Working in a shop once I served the (then) in Casualty Jonathan Kerrigan. I didn’t watch the show, but knew his face, so I said ‘oh I recognise you, were you in last week?’ and he graciously said ‘yes I was’.
course when it took his credit card I saw the name!
Maybe the people that do properly recognise you do what I do when I walk past someone famous and pretend to not realise (and if anything I would smile/look even less for fear of being ‘beaky’).
And maybe sadly, even these days, they’re thinking ‘whats he doing home in the day/pushing the kid on his own’. Its part of the invisible sexism, lke men who say they are ‘babysitting’ when they mean ‘king after my own children’. Oop soapbox alert…!
As for how famous – I think its a mix of ‘huge in a small way’ and ‘vaguely familiar in a big way’.
Posted by Katie on May 29, 2010
I, erm, I wrote this on the subject of folk I know who need prompting of who you are a while ago:
“Mark Watson? He’s been on Mock the Week a few times? Had a Welsh accent that mysteriously disappeared? Did the bit about not giving a shit if the muggers took his phone because it was shite anyway? Tall? Rakish? Glasses? Dark hair? Quite a nice man? Did the cider advert…yes, that’s Mark Watson, there you go. No, I know, he is funny, isn’t he?” (and then we have a little laugh – life continues as such)”
This happens often when I discuss comedy with my friends. You need some serious resources when you’re talking to those guys.
You could get someone to go about each of the major cities of Britain with a t-shirt bearing your picture and the words “DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS?”. If they do, they’ll probably come over. Cities are full of nice, friendly folk and lonely people. They’ll enjoy the company. We could then compile the results into a pie chart which is the only appropriate way to show any sort of information.
Posted by lisa brunders on May 29, 2010
I’m always shocked by how few people know the people I know and like. So I would think it’s more to do with Kit, but a mixture.
I myself have been getting looked at this week, but for all the wrong reasons – I had an allergic reaction. My face was all red and swollen, got so many second glances, double takes and even stares! So that was neither fame nor paranoia!
Posted by hornseygirl on May 28, 2010
Can you infer a direct correlation between fame and the number of Twitter followers?
You’re on 25,041 and rising. That would seem to be a reasonable level of fame…
Posted by Heather Jones on May 28, 2010
Well, I for one really ilked the Magners adverts you did. I didn’t even know it was you when I first saw them…. and even after I knew who you were, I didn’t make the connection, so I had to go on Youtube and watch them again … and, yes, it was you – and you were good in them. So don’t you *sigh* about them. We deserve funny, good adverts – hence comedians should be in adverts. Less understandable when comedians do ‘straight’ adverts, just for a recognisable voice (eg Dave Gorman for B&Q, although he is lovely too, especially when people tweet him to ask the price of (say) nails, and he just tweets back with the price without the slightest hint of sardonic top-spin. Good approach!)
Oh, and I LOVE the inflection you give to your lines as the Innocent Smoothie rabbit.
But for God’s sake stop obsessing about how famous you are. Just go with the flow. I’m guessing most of the sly glances you’re noticing ARE TV related and not in your imagination, so you are not in need of therapy. I’m guessing this fame thing is just creeping up on you a bit more now.
By the way even Jonathan Ross gets mis-identified sometimes (I heard him tell one such anecdote about a bar-tender girl at the Big Libel gig on his radio show – but I can’t remember who she thought he was now)
Posted by Chris St on May 28, 2010
I would imagine that at least one in a hundred people in Britain would recognise you. I guess if you walked down the street, there would be a number of people who recognized you. As for scale, I think telly is a funny magnifying thing. I would suggest you are more recognisable than say Lee Child, Andrew Lansley or Sir Stuart Rose, all of whom are pretty famous and very successful. You are probably lesss recognizable than Stacey Solomon, Brian Bello or Amanda Byram – all of whom have been on well watched TV programmes.
I imagine it must be similar to pretty girls who must have people staring at them all the time, wondering whether to say anything or not
The bit that interests me is how it feels. Good – I’ve made it/he fancies me, or Creepy – what do they want/what are they doing? It also must be tough if you do want anonymity. I always think of Jamie Oliver fancying a McDonalds and having to ask someone to get him one.
I once had somebody ask for my autograph because I was apparently in a programme called Family Affairs. I wasn’t and found the whole thing rather uncomfortable at the time, though funny afterwards. I think I prefer anonymity.
Posted by Joanna on May 28, 2010
My thinking runs thus:
Whenever I’ve mentioned your name to non-comedy-loving friends, first response is often “Who?”. I’ll then describe you, in the most loving terms, and they say “Ohhhh!! HIM!”. Maybe what these people are doing is similar to this. They could well be wondering “Where do I know his face from…?”
Might explain it.
Or we could all print off pictures of you and wander round our home towns asking “DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN?” because that sounds terribly fun =)
Posted by Kathryn on May 28, 2010
I get exceedingly paranoid, I think it’s just part of my neurosis.
I have exactly one friend who knows about comedy, and she knows vaguely who you are. Most of my friends struggle to remember who, for example, David Cameron is, so it’s not really worth asking them (sorry). My brother knows you mostly from Fighting Talk. And I think many family members are fed up with “so I read this interesting thing on Mark Watson’s blog…”.
Would it make you more paranoid if someone like me who reads your blog shouted “Mark!” in the street?
My favourite quote from today was definitely “the eye candy of Minchin as a consolation”. Interesting turn of phrase.
Posted by Becca on May 28, 2010
Strangely, Paranoid Android started playing as soon as I clicked on your blog… I commented purely to write that.
But seeing as I’m commenting…me and my best friend Lisa know who you are because I’m pretty obsessed with you and she has to listen to everything I say. Plus someone she knows is also called Mark Watson (which I was excited/confused about until she told me it wasn’t in fact you.) also I made some people read your blog. So I have no idea how famous this makes you but I hope it helped.
Posted by Rachael on May 28, 2010
In the small village that I live in I get stared at all the time, people have no shame, I wait at the bus stop and they stare as if I just landed in my spaceship.
I think you are probably recognised more than you realise, or Jonathon Ross has been walking behind you for the past couple of weeks.
Posted by (Magnificent) Josh on May 28, 2010
I’m so Paranoid… it’s really bad.
That’s why I’m the way I am, that way I feel that when I feel people are looking at me I can convince myself they looking at me because of what I’m wearing / what I’m doing.
Posted by amycool on May 28, 2010
Judging by pure anecdotal evidence (some would say the best type of evidence) people who work at libraries don’t know who you are. At all. Which made me excitedly explaining TYSIC impossible, and led to some funny looks. Having said that, most of my colleagues have never heard of Charlie Brooker either, and I think he’s pretty near the upper echelons of famous British TV people.
My family knew who you were but not your name.
Using guesswork (another scientific favourite) I would say that people out shopping in the middle of the day are more likely to watch a lot of TV (i.e. they don’t have jobs) and are consequently more likely to know who you are.
That or you’re a really messy eater and you’ve been walking around with sandwich on your face.
Posted by Adam on May 28, 2010
At uni I’ve mentioned things about you to a few of my mates. I once tweeted you after the Juventus Fulham game, and our correspondence was quite funny. I’ve also got a picture of me and you in some London tube station, I spotted you before you were really famous at all and you seemed genuinely suprised and happy to be recognised. People tend to ‘sort of’ know who I’m talking about, or think of someone else until I show them a picture of you. Or, think they know who you are but don’t know your name (my housemate walked in during You Have Been Watching yesterday and said ‘Ah that Russell guys really funny). So I think a lot of people that see you, those who aren’t massive comedy fans, might vaguely recognise you and would give off a look of confusement and uncertainty. I’m not really sure I’ve helped with any sort of answer there. Ah well, better than revising I guess.
Posted by Iona on May 28, 2010
They did a feature on the xfm breakfast show where a guy went round London with a cardboard cutout of dave berry and asked people of they knew who it was. We could do that for you. Do you have a life-sized cardboard cutout of yourself?
I don’t think many people at my school know who you are but most watch mock the week and a fair few of my friends know and love you.
The good thing about your celeb status is that people who see you on tv will probably only remember you if they like you so anyone who recognises you likes you. Whereas a fair few people must go up to Jonathan Ross and punch him or shout verbal abuse.
Posted by Misha on May 28, 2010
Maybe you should just shout “YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME?!” Every time you suspect it.
That’ll make it stop. Unfortunately most of the people I go to school with don’t know you. This usually leads to some incredible attempts from me to explain. But then the people I who do know are all twitter types. Although it did take Me & Emmy a moment to work out if it was you or someone who looked like you on sunday. But that’s just me.
This isn’t making sense.
Generally though being anything other than female and somewhere between 25 & 35 with a child is a good way to get stared at, people stare at me assuming my brother is my son.
Anyway, this makes no sense. However i’m fairly sure I ended up with a first blog comment on the one about the new pornos /rainmanmoment
Can we hear more about your cat?
Posted by Helen on May 28, 2010
I enjoy the idea of going around asking people if they recognise you – I could do a tally and everything.
Posted by Anna Lowman on May 28, 2010
Oh, first comment! Errr…. have you met any heroes? I like those stories.
Posted by Anna Lowman on May 28, 2010
You’re a good level of famous, I think, and well loved by the likes of me and that’s *very* important. Ha That’s not very scientific though…