What a fool believes
Today I’m recording Would I Lie To You? for the BBC, which among other things means that for some weeks I’ve had Charles and Eddy’s freak number one hit, from some time in the nineties, echoing around my head (as with Mr Motivator, I’m going to have to trust that some of you, at least, are old enough to remember what I’m talking about). In preparation for this bluffing exercise, I published a mixture of truth and lies about myself – a little like the internet itself, I suppose you could say – and invited you to sort the wheat from the crap, as the Bible says.
35 people indulged me by playing this silly little game, and congratulations go to the three – Marie, Catherine and CustardCreamDreams – who successfully deduced that quite simply, every one of the statements was a crock of shit:
‘I eat far too much salt on my food’ – no, quite the opposite. I never put salt on my food. Vinegar, now that’s a different story.
‘I’ve met not just Al Gore, but also Nelson Mandela’ – quite plausible, because quite a lot of people have met Mandela by queuing up at his book launches, or seeing him at a uni visit, or something. But not me. And I’d be struggling for something to say to him if I did. ‘Well done on your… life, Nelson,’ I suppose I would mumble. I’ve met Gore, and I never stop banging on about it.
‘I can’t swim, unfortunately’ - this is all too believable as I can’t drive, ride a bike, cook, or do most other things. But weirdly I CAN swim. Not elegantly, by any means. More like a dog swims. But it is swimming, nonetheless.
‘Never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie’ - of course I have. Not all of them though, and not Inglorious Basterds in particular. It will soon feature in a Very Late Review.
‘I can speak Russian’ – no I can’t, not a word. You’re thinking of Tim Key. I can speak French and German but Russian seems awfully hard, with those funny letters.
‘As a child I had whooping cough’ – nope. When I wrote this, I wasn’t even 100percent sure you could still get whooping cough. But apparently you can.
‘The flat I live in was once owned by John Betjeman’ – no, not as far as I’m aware. I imagine Betjeman didn’t live in London but out in the country somewhere, and cycled past a church on his way to the shops.
‘My parents know Hugh Laurie slightly’ – no they don’t, not even slightly. They don’t know any famous people. My wife fancies Hugh Laurie and he is her ’person you can sleep with if the chance comes up’ clause which you get in relationships. I don’t know what the name for that clause is but you know what I’m talking about.
‘I’ve been to Japan but didn’t like it’ – no, I haven’t, sadly. I HAVE been to China (for work). And I did like it, but it was a bit exhausting and Emily got ill. I’ve got every intention of going to Japan one day.
‘I am dyslexic’ - nope. That would be tough for someone like me. Spelling is one of my only strong suits.
Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? We now come to a play-off between the three winners (if, indeed, all three are still reading this blog). Here are five further statements. Whoever gets the most right from the three Sherlocks still standing is the overall winner. (Other people, of course, are welcome to join in.) And this time, it won’t be as simple as ‘all true’ or ‘all false’. Except THAT could be a lie. Ooooh. It’s a tricky old game!
-I’ve never seen a complete episode of Sex And The City…
-…or Eastenders.
-I once spoke to Jennifer Lopez (‘J-Lo’) at an aftershow party.
-I have dislocated my shoulder in the past.
-During my youth I came fourth in the National Computer Football Championships.
So, here we go again. Play!! (I’ve got some more serious subjects lined up for later in the week, in case you fear this blog has degenerated into a series of half-arsed games, like the latter stages of a party.)
Posted by Knox on May 16, 2011
Ah – Mark – why did you have to bring up Eddie & Charles?!?! I used to love that song when it came out (@Laura – I can still remember all the words… I sang it far too many times), but now wouldn’t mind not having it stuck in my head!! I normally get the Eurythmics’ song in my head when I see that show title.
I normally can’t resist a challenge, but tonight, I am so tired, I really can. Sorry.
Though am going to say yes to meeting J-Lo.
Posted by Heather on May 7, 2010
“‘I can’t swim, unfortunately’ – this is all too believable as I can’t drive, ride a bike, cook, or do most other things. But weirdly I CAN swim. Not elegantly, by any means. More like a dog swims. But it is swimming, nonetheless.”
I’m glad to hear this (even though it’s one of the ones I got wrong). People who can’t or don’t swim make me sad. I have a friend from the States who told me last summer that she’d been to the ocean less times in her entire life than the number of times I’d been in the month of August.
Also glad to hear you didn’t have to suffer through the horror of whooping cough. Although it means we don’t have that in common, but neither of us can drive and I’m happier sharing that lack-of-a-skill.
Are you fluent in French and German? I’m pretty much fluent in French (I should hope so, after 13 years of French immersion!) but my knowledge of German is limited to a few useful phrases, such as “I’d like a beer please”.
Posted by Will on May 6, 2010
Why is Mark’s voice in a rabbit?
Posted by Mel on May 6, 2010
Shoulders the only one that’s true.
Andost people I know call it the ‘celebrity free pass’. Mine is David Tennant, boyfriends is nigella.
Posted by Laura on May 6, 2010
I like the half-arsed games. My intelligence can just about cope with them.
Scarily enough, I think I could still remember all the words to ‘Would I Lie To You’ if pushed. God, I’m old.
I don’t want to go to either China or Japan on principle because of their shocking animal welfare records…
I can’t ride a bike, either. I tried but I think it was the wrong type of bike and it hurt my lady bits so I gave up.
Posted by Georgia on May 6, 2010
It’s so true that you can still get whooping cough, I had it two years ago in my early 20s and it was horrible! Absolutely the worst kind of sick I have ever had, 6 weeks of uncontrollable coughing.
So beware of anyone who is coughing so much they cant catch their breath, you do not want to catch it from them !
Posted by Simon on May 6, 2010
-I’ve never seen a complete episode of Sex And The City…
TRUE
-…or Eastenders.
TRUE
-I once spoke to Jennifer Lopez (’J-Lo’) at an aftershow party.
FALSE
-I have dislocated my shoulder in the past.
TRUE
-During my youth I came fourth in the National Computer Football Championships.
FALSE
Posted by bitstrange on May 6, 2010
Going off on a tangent, my “person you can sleep with if the chance comes up” is Jeff Goldblum. He might be a bit quirky looking but just think of that body in The Fly…
Posted by lainieed on May 6, 2010
Firstly, your games are great!
I reckon that out of the 5 statements:
-you have never watched SATC
-you have watched eastenders but have never watched a full episode of corrie
-You saw j.lo at a party but didn’t have the courage to speak to her or had to make an apology over a social faux pas
-you have dislocated something when you were on a bike hence why you never learned
-and computer football? i don’t even know what that is to guess! x x
Posted by SamJJ on May 6, 2010
I was about 13 when that song came out and for a long time I thought Charles and Eddy were singing ‘Ooh la la to you baby, ooh la la to you’
Posted by Madeleine on May 5, 2010
I did saaaaaay “maybe they’re all false”, but I guess you were looking for some conviction, not just bet hedging.
This time I think you have seen an episode of East Enders, You have never dislocated your shoulder and you did not some fourth in the computer football championship.
Hows that for definative? And definatly all wrong.
Posted by Rachael on May 5, 2010
I’m glad about the salt thing, I always think thats abit weird when people put loads of salt on everything; I don’t put it on anything either.
oh and I believe that you did meet J-Lo but i’m wondering what show you were at because i’m guessing it wasn’t hers…
Posted by fuzzy_ducky (Laura) on May 5, 2010
I’m sleepy, and about to go to bed, but want to start a new TYSIC – but it’s a very simple one – write a comment on each and every one of your blogs from this one on
so here’s the first one
Hi
lol
Posted by Ben Draper on May 5, 2010
I think you have dislocated your shoulder and seen Eastenders. But I don’t believe the rest. Especially J-Lo.
Posted by Anji on May 5, 2010
Lesson learnt – stick with gut instincts! As we sort of have a Hugh Laurie theme going (we do) as House reminds us ‘everybody lies’.
Mark out of interest whose your person? I’m nosey. I can’t explain it any more than that.
Posted by Lydia on May 5, 2010
I think it’s true you have never seen an episode of Sex In The City but I’m not sure about Eastenders, It’s on most days of the week and a huge amount of Sunday, even I, the hater of most tv, have had a moment when the remote is on the other side of the room and I’m too exhausted (lazy) to move and I saw all manner of crap telly during the weeks that followed small people joining the family.
Speaking to Jenny from the block – lie.
I think you probably have dislocated your shoulder, that’s something sporty sorts do, sometimes, isn’t it?
I also believe you did the football computer thing.
I remember Charles and Eddy. That song reminds me of Friday nights being hip at the youth club, drinking chemicals disguised as a red soft drink.
Posted by Catherine on May 5, 2010
I still say it’s a load of bollocks. They are all lies.
Posted by (Magnificent) Josh on May 5, 2010
-False
-True
-True (All your celebrities have been lies so far)
-False
-True
You’d like Japan, Japan is awesome. But overwhelming…
Posted by Emmy on May 5, 2010
First of all I’d like to say that I am writing this comment from my new to me isomethingother (it used to be my dads) while at the Phoenix Arizona airport. And I’m feeling pretty damn modern and “with it”. I am slowly conquering my technophobia.
Anyways, I actually looked Betjeman on wikipedia and apparently he used to live in Hampstead or thereabouts when he was a kid.
So it’s a pity that you don’t live there. Hampstead Heath is lovely.
I have more to say but will stop now. My fingers are tingly from hitting imaginary keys.
Posted by Misha on May 5, 2010
Dyslexia is a rubbish one to pick when we know you can spell
I think those three are all true though.
Posted by Corey on May 5, 2010
This is all very exciting and competitive!. I was looking forward to the World Cup, but the daily games on here are becoming unmissable!!.
Posted by Marie on May 5, 2010
Ok, here goes:
1) I believe you have seen an episode of ‘Sex and the City’, so FALSE for the first one.
2) I think the second one is TRUE, that somehow you’ve managed to go 25 years without watching Eastenders
3) Argh – this one seems too unlikely to be false so I’ll go with TRUE
4) I’m going to say FALSE for the shoulder dislocation
5) And I’m going to say FALSE for the National Computer Football Championships
Posted by amycool on May 5, 2010
For the record, I can’t ride a bike or drive either, but hopefully that will have changed by 2020.
Posted by amycool on May 5, 2010
Thanks for that Mark, now I’ve got that annoyingly catchy tune in my head.
I’m quite bad at telling if people are lying when they’re sat in front of me, so this is too hard. I suppose I could just guess as I have a 50/50 chance on each one, but I don’t want to get them all wrong. How about I just put what it would be for me and see if they match?
True
False
False
False
True…well false but I’d like it to be true
Posted by Custard Cream Dreams on May 5, 2010
Oh they could all be true… Hmm, I’m gonna go for shoulder dislocation and Eastenders as the two true ones, the rest are lies.
As an aside, I personally haven’t done any of them. Nor can I ride a bike (it’s in my TYSIC but certain things have got in the way…). I have done some, just can’t really turn. I’m planning to move to the Netherlands so I’m pretty sure I’ll need to learn by then (it’s pretty much their only law…?).
I have a 36 hour day ahead of me, and unlike old Cammo I won’t get fresh make-up or amphetamines. Or indeed old make-up/amphetamines…