Would I lie to you?
Next week I’ll be recording an episode of Would I Lie To You?, the BBC show where you have to give a mixture of truths and bullshit about yourself, and the other panellists entertainingly try to tell which is which. To warm up for this, today’s blog (a short one because of time constraints) will consist of a series of statements about me, Mark, the person whose blog you are continuing to read loyally despite its occasional troughs of inspiration.
About half of the following claims are lies. EXCEPT – that might also be a lie. Maybe more than half are. Maybe they’re all true or all lies. We just don’t know!! In the comments you can, if you wish, try to guess. Not the funnest thing we’ve ever done but probably 5.5 to 6 on the Funometer, which isn’t too bad. It’ll be a bit like one of those Facebook quizzes where you learn ‘how well you know x’. Except without the loneliness which those quizzes normally hint darkly at. Here we go:
-I’ve met not just Al Gore, but Nelson Mandela.
-I eat far too much salt. All over my food.
-I can’t swim, unfortunately. I can bluff it, but my feet are on the bottom.
-I have been to Japan, but in all honesty I didn’t much like it.
-I’ve never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie.
-As a kid, I had whooping cough. No lingering symptoms.
-The flat I live in was once owned by the poet John Betjeman.
-I can speak Russian to a decent level.
-My parents know Hugh Laurie slightly.
-I am dyslexic.
Off you go. All will be revealed after I’ve actually done the show, in case this blog ruins it or vice versa…
Posted by Knox on May 13, 2011
OK…last blog for tonight.
-I’ve met not just Al Gore, but Nelson Mandela. – false
-I eat far too much salt. All over my food. – true
-I can’t swim, unfortunately. I can bluff it, but my feet are on the bottom. – true
-I have been to Japan, but in all honesty I didn’t much like it. – half true – i reckon you’ve been, but did like it
-I’ve never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie. – i’m gonna go for true
-As a kid, I had whooping cough. No lingering symptoms. – true
-The flat I live in was once owned by the poet John Betjeman. – false
-I can speak Russian to a decent level. – false
-My parents know Hugh Laurie slightly. – true
-I am dyslexic. – false
Posted by LIzzy on May 4, 2010
Hmm, well I’m probably extremely far off but for the sake of writing down my guesses as a record of how gullible/cynical I am… I reckon the lies are:
- You eat too much salt. Nahhh.
- Never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie. You seem like at least a partial film buff.
- Speak Russian to a decent level. I reckon that’s just Key’s thing, although I suppose it could have rubbed off. I don’t know if languages work like that. In fact I wish they did, but no.
- Parents know Hugh Laurie slightly. Well you said your wife fancies him (understandably)… I suppose she could be biding her time and using your relative connections, but I’m going to think not. You’re alright there.
- Dyslexic. You’re so not dyslexic.
And I’m gonna say the rest are true. We shall see.
Can’t wait for WILTY; brilliant programme. t’shall be immense.
Posted by Tim K on May 4, 2010
-I’ve met not just Al Gore, but Nelson Mandela. TRUE
-I eat far too much salt. All over my food. FALSE
-I can’t swim, unfortunately. I can bluff it, but my feet are on the bottom. TRUE
-I have been to Japan, but in all honesty I didn’t much like it. FALSE
-I’ve never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie. TRUE
-As a kid, I had whooping cough. No lingering symptoms. FALSE
-The flat I live in was once owned by the poet John Betjeman. TRUE
-I can speak Russian to a decent level. FALSE
-My parents know Hugh Laurie slightly. TRUE
-I am dyslexic. FALSE
?
Posted by Rachael on May 2, 2010
I want to say the Japan one is a lie. I may now end up by insulting you by saying it must be a lie as Japan is amazing so if you have been you would have loved it. I also think due to your obsession with grammar the dyslexia thing may also be a lie. Not sure any of them are true actually. I love would I lie to you….
Posted by Heather on May 2, 2010
Hmm. Well I remember once thinking “wow, a lot of comedians are dyslexic” and it could well be that you are one of the lot of comedians that precipitated that thought (or that you fit into this pattern even if I didn’t not previously know it), so I will go with that one being true.
And the no-swimming thing seems credible, to go with your no-bike-riding.
Whooping Cough seems like an odd illness to pull out of the air if you didn’t have it, so I’m going with True for this as well. Also, it would give us something in common, which is cool. Almost makes having to have a tube stuck down my nose (twice) worth it. Almost.
But I feel like if you had met Nelson Mandela you’d've mentioned it before now. Ditto with speaking Russian.
I’ve no real feel for the rest, but I think I’ll go with True for Japan, Tarantino, and Hugh Laurie and False for the flat and the salt. Just ’cause.
Posted by Catherine on May 2, 2010
I believe, sir, it’s all a bunch of baloney.
Posted by Gabi on May 1, 2010
-I’ve met not just Al Gore, but Nelson Mandela. TRUE
-I eat far too much salt. All over my food. TRUE. It is wonderfully unhealthy vice
-I can’t swim, unfortunately. I can bluff it, but my feet are on the bottom.TRUE. I have the same problem. Though I am 5ft which means I can rarely bluff it
-I have been to Japan, but in all honesty I didn’t much like it. False. I reckon you did like it.
-I’ve never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie. True..
-As a kid, I had whooping cough. No lingering symptoms. False.
-The flat I live in was once owned by the poet John Betjeman. True. Though I would wonder the state he left it in.
-I can speak Russian to a decent level. True. Just going out of a limb here
-My parents know Hugh Laurie slightly. Also true. Logic: your mum is Welsh. Hugh is a Welsh name. Wales is a small ish place. They must have met at some point.
-I am dyslexic. True.
Posted by Tijs on May 1, 2010
This is what I think.
-I’ve met not just Al Gore, but Nelson Mandela. FALSE
-I eat far too much salt. All over my food. TRUE
-I can’t swim, unfortunately. I can bluff it, but my feet are on the bottom. TRUE
-I have been to Japan, but in all honesty I didn’t much like it. TRUE
-I’ve never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie. FALSE
-As a kid, I had whooping cough. No lingering symptoms. TRUE
-The flat I live in was once owned by the poet John Betjeman. TRUE
-I can speak Russian to a decent level. FALSE
-My parents know Hugh Laurie slightly. TRUE
-I am dyslexic. FALSE
I’m hardly sure about any of these, but you know. It’s a game.
Posted by James F on May 1, 2010
hey mark are you there wednesday? cos im at that recording.. Hope so cos it”ll top a brilliant night
Posted by Jackiec on May 1, 2010
Hmmm… I think they are all lies… But then maybe… I don’t know… Ok I’m going to put it out there and say, I think you have met Al Gore bit not Mandela so that’s a lie ( if you have met Mandela, pls tell us all about it sometime, he is so inspiring). Then, I can’t believe you’ve never seen Kill Bill, etc, but then I’ve only seen a couple of Tarantino films, so maybe… No it’s a lie!
Right I’ve decided you can speak Russian, and that’s the only truth in this blog, apart from you are doing ‘Would I lid to you?’.
Posted by Marie on May 1, 2010
I’m guessing that they’re all lies… expect, perhaps the Hugh Laurie one…
Nope, all lies! And I’m sticking to it!
Posted by Rachel Winter on May 1, 2010
Oh I SO hope the Betjeman one is true.
Hmm hard to tell. I’d guess at swimming, Tarantino, whooping cough, Betjeman (please!) and Laurie being true.
Is it ok to say on this blog – I’ve put Aug 11th in diary, assuming I make it up to Edinburgh! But if I do I will be planning it around that date.
Posted by Madeleine on May 1, 2010
-I’ve met not just Al Gore, but Nelson Mandela.
-I eat far too much salt. All over my food.
-I have been to Japan, but in all honesty I didn’t much like it.
-I can speak Russian to a decent level.
-I am dyslexic.
I think these might be untrue. I’m just hoping to Quentin Tarintino one’s true, because neither have I and then maybe I wouldn’t feel like such a failure at life.
I agonised over the dyslexic one, because I feel like you would have mentioned it before, but I was dyselxic as a child and thats what drove me to reading and writing even more, because it was such a struggle to learn to do it and maybe thats also the case for you, which would be cool.
Either that or their all false and you’re playing us for chumps.
Posted by Kim on May 1, 2010
Ooh tricksy! I’m sensing it’s all lies and really you’re only dyslexic in Russian, it was Hugh Laurie that met Al Gore and Mandela, and Tarantino had the cough.
Or maybe I misunderstood the question?
I look forward to the show though! 
Posted by Irwin on May 1, 2010
I can really see all of these being true.
Weirdly we had to do something similar in class today.
However, as someone else said, if the one about Quentin Tarantino is true then you really should watch Pulp Fiction and Inglorious Basterds. Also, True Romance is quite good although QT didn’t direct. Other than that his films are pretty poor, but those are genuine masterpieces.
Posted by ShineUrShoesGuv on May 1, 2010
I’m going for
-As a kid, I had whooping cough. No lingering symptoms.
-The flat I live in was once owned by the poet John Betjeman.
-I can speak Russian to a decent level.
-I am dyslexic.
Lies…Lies…All Lies!!!!!
Posted by Custard Cream Dreams on April 30, 2010
They’re all lies! Awful awful lies
Posted by Rachael on April 30, 2010
I don’t believe you are dyslexic and I think you would probably mention it more often if you could speak Russian because thats quite impressive, if it is true you should tell everyone. I hope the Hugh Laurie thing is true.
Posted by Anji on April 30, 2010
I have been thinking about this while watching avatar, and the film one is nagging at me. I feel you are quite a film man and that you would have watched at least one of his. So I feel this, on reflection, could be a lie. A decent level of Russian seems scary but that could be just because I’d find it scary to learn.
Ooo Mark, I’ll not be able to stop pondering these now. To lie or not to lie. I just don’t know!
Posted by euan on April 30, 2010
ok so dunno bout most o them but last 1 is a lie coz dyslexic can’t spell it, in the same way people with lisps can’t say it, oh the irony!!!
Posted by Emmy on April 30, 2010
Although if you do live in Betjeman’s old flat, does it have one of those important-looking blue plaques outside? If so, I’m jealous.
Posted by tothesky on April 30, 2010
hmn, double bluffing usually makes my mind hurt, which is why watching WILTY can sometime give me headaches…but I’m going to guess that the following are true:
- I have never seen a Tarantino movie (simply beacuse I also haven’t and if somone else also hasn’t I’ll feel better about my lack of movie watching…but I think I can recall you saying that you watched Inglorious Basterds? I’ll stick to this anyway)
- As a kid I had whooping cough
- I eat far too much salt
And that’s all I can commit to with a small level of confidence. x
Posted by Laura B on April 30, 2010
I think you can swim. I know you can’t ride a bike, but surely you must be able to swim?!
The Tarantino one is surely a lie too. And the Russian. And the Nelson Mandela one. Plus I’m going to take a gamble and say the one about your flat is a lie too – I think you’ve gone deliberately obscure to throw us off the scent.
Posted by Aislinn on April 30, 2010
I bloody well hope that Quentin Tarantino one is a lie.
I can imagine the Russian one is a lie, and that the Japanese one is perhaps true.
Posted by Kate on April 30, 2010
I’m really bad at these sort of games but I’m going to give it a shot/guess anyway. I’m guessing the following statements are lies:
- I’ve met not just Al Gore, but Nelson Mandela.
- I’ve never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie.
- As a kid, I had whooping cough. No lingering symptoms.
- I can speak Russian to a decent level.
I wonder if there is a way to find all of these out without you telling us… I think it would probably have to regress into stalking though.
Posted by Emmy on April 30, 2010
I have no idea… I’m going to say that you can’t speak Russian. Because it would be quite random if you could. Although awesome, so I’m secretly hoping that you do.
I also hope it’s true that your parents slightly know Hugh Laurie. Because that would also be awesome.
I have now used ‘awesome’ twice (oh wait, thrice) in this post. I am so damn American sometimes.
Posted by DeborahF on April 30, 2010
Mmm perhaps the whooping cough is true as I had that and I have no symptoms now. However I did sound like a dog barking every time I had a cough for at least the next five years. I blamed my Mum entirely – she fell for a vaccination scare and decided not to take me for the jab when I was a toddler
No guesses for the rest as I’m rubbish at this sort of thing – I’m not even good at the Facebook versions and I know those people better than I do Mark.
Posted by isabelle on April 30, 2010
I’m going to call a double bluff and assume that half the statements were indeed lies. These are the lies:
-I can’t swim, unfortunately. I can bluff it, but my feet are on the bottom.
-I have been to Japan, but in all honesty I didn’t much like it.
-I’ve never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie.
-I can speak Russian to a decent level.
-I am dyslexic.
Posted by Corey on April 30, 2010
This is a good game, don’t be too hard on yourself!.
I think the LIES are:
That you have never watched a Tarantino movie
That you can speak Russian to a decent level and
That you are dyslexic
Posted by DizzyDoo on April 30, 2010
I… I just don’t know. I’ll probably only, in a definite kind of way, say that the one about the salt is false, because “way too much” is thankfully an opinion.
This loop-hole only works for me if you actually eat salt, if you don’t eat any then I’m so sorry for calling you a liar.
I feel awful now.
Posted by Anji on April 30, 2010
Ooo I’d like to go against the grain and say all lies but that seems harsh!
So I’ll go with all true, the Japan one throws me, but I’d like to think your a travelled man – I don’t know why. This isn’t about me it’s about you.
True. And now I’m going to eat pizza. Look forward to the answers!
Posted by Helen on April 30, 2010
How long will it be before these are all on wikipedia? (:
Posted by Dawn on April 30, 2010
I agree with Ben!
They are ALL true
Posted by Maddie on April 30, 2010
I’m going to put forward that the fourth statement is a lie.
Posted by Ben on April 30, 2010
I’m going to gamble on All True.
Always gamble, that’s the rule.