The £2500 breadcrumbs
Walking the baby around my neighbourhood today, I noticed a sign attached to some railings which says it’s illegal to feed the pigeons, and if you flout this important rule, you can be fined. The size of fine varies from sixty quid to an astonishing maximum of £2500. There’s no explanation of how they determine whether you should be fined a parking-ticket-sized amount or a life-changing sum. Maybe if you just sneak the pigeons a few morsels of crust from your sandwich you get the sixty-pound fine, and the two grand is for people who take a pigeon out for a three-course meal at a nearby eatery. In any case it struck me as a spectacularly arbitrary and weird law. There’s no correlation between the offence (if it even is an offence) and the amount it costs. You can’t point at someone feeding a pigeon and say that they are causing four hundred quid’s worth of damage to society. And yet they can, because they put a sign up. So, since this is how the world is, I think it’s time we had more on-the-spot fines for minor wrongdoing. There are an awful lot of anti-s0cial acts, far worse than pigeon-feeding, going unpunished at present. Let’s clean up Britain, as I might say if I were a politician.
I’m going to propose a few possible fines and if any lawmakers are reading, feel free to implement them. I feel I’m no less qualified than anyone else to say how much money one should be fined for misbehaving. Feel free to add your own suggestions and we’ll average them out and send them to Nick Clegg or David Cameron when they become Prime Minister. Or Gordon Brown when he becomes Prime Minister. Or the weird hybrid of Brown, Clegg and a lot of minor party leaders which is likely to end up running the country in a couple of weeks.
The pound sign isn’t working on my keyboard, so I cut and pasted it for the ones above, but that’s a silly way to proceed so I’m just going to write the amounts I suggest for each offence, and you can imagine the pound.
Here’s what I’m thinking:
PLAYING MUSIC ON PHONE IN PUBLIC WITHOUT HEADPHONES: 3000. If unable to pay, phone confiscated and thrown into the path of heavy goods vehicle in front of offender’s eyes. (NB: if headphones are present but not sufficient to neutralise the noise, fine is only 1000. Can be reduced as far as 300 if music is proved to be good. But this never happens as people with no manners rarely have music taste.)
SPITTING IN THE STREET: 800. No exceptions unless defendant has just been poisoned by enemy.
TALKING TOO LOUDLY ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT: 250-800. Depending on how inane the conversation is. Independent Inanity Inspectors to determine this.
READING CELEB GOSSIP MAGAZINES ABOUT HOW FAT PEOPLE LIKE CATHERINE ZETA JONES ARE THESE DAYS: 100.
NOT SAYING THANK YOU WHEN SOMEONE OPENS A DOOR OR STANDS ASIDE FOR YOU: 175-300, depending on how much of a hurry defendant was in.
USING ‘GAY’ AS INSULT: 30. This normally only applies to schoolkids, so the fine equates to a slap on the wrist. But it will still get the job done.
NOT SAYING PLEASE IN A SHOP OR RESTAURANT, e.g. when someone just says ‘Twenty Benson and Hedges’ and waits for the assistant to get it: 200 first offence, 500 thereafter.
GENERALLY BEING A BIT OF AN ARSE IN A RESTAURANT, e.g. sending things back for no real reason, making jokes about the waiter’s accent, trying to order your own dish rather than something from the menu, making too much noise, getting too drunk: 200-1200. Depending on specific offences. Exact fine to be determined by Restaurant Arse Tribunal (RAT).
NOT STOPPING AT ZEBRA CROSSING BECAUSE YOU’RE ONE OF THESE PRICKS WHO DO 60 IN A RESIDENTIAL AREA: 10,000 plus car confiscated. I realise there are already rules governing driving but nobody seems to stick to them, or even know them, round where I live.
TROUSERS TOO LOW: 20. Again, mostly just a precautionary measure for the kids. But something has to be done about it.
MUGGING ME ON MY OWN STREET IN MARCH LAST YEAR: 1,000,000 and I want the iPod back even though I’ve got a new one now, just to spite you.
Right, that’s a start, at least. Post your own laws, with suggested fines, below. We’ll get these through parliament in no time. It’s going to be a bit chaotic after the election so this is a great time to sneak them in. Help me heal Broken Britain. Thank you.
Posted by Knox on May 13, 2011
“READING CELEB GOSSIP MAGAZINES ABOUT HOW FAT PEOPLE LIKE CATHERINE ZETA JONES ARE THESE DAYS: 100.”
This should possibly be ranging from 500 – 2000 (at least) depending on the magazine, and the level of gleeful shrillness of the headlines – more if it’s one of those magazines that just completely makes stuff up (as opposed to those that are ‘real life’ stories)
“NOT SAYING THANK YOU WHEN SOMEONE OPENS A DOOR OR STANDS ASIDE FOR YOU: 175-300, depending on how much of a hurry defendant was in.”
So rude – my mum and I went through a phase of saying ‘you’re welcome’ really loudly and sarcastically to people who did this.
“USING ‘GAY’ AS INSULT: 30. This normally only applies to schoolkids, so the fine equates to a slap on the wrist. But it will still get the job done.”
This really pisses me off, and adults do it as well (thank you, Chris Moyles) – I think it shoould definitely be a LOT higher – make people think about their lazy use of the language and the importance of really considering the meaning of what they’re saying.
(i am exhausted from reading all the comments on the intro blog, so apologies if these have already been posted)
TROLLING ON YOUTUBE/ONLINE ARTICLES: £500 for each comment – more if spelling and/or grammar is bad; even more if it doesn’t actually relate to the video
PEOPLE LEAVING THEIR DOG’S MUCK IN PUBLIC PLACES: £1000 – £1,000,000 + having the offending article stuck in their pocket! Rates would be higher the more likely someone is to step in it (i still haven’t got over putting my hand in dog shit at the CATE launch picnic – Lady Macbeth didn’t know shit about hand-washing!)
PEOPLE WHO DON’T WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER USING THE TOILET – £50 for a wee, £500 for other stuff, more if you go on to touch people or food or indeed anything!
I have so many more…
Posted by MusicalLottie on May 4, 2010
I agree with the vast majority of these, but especially:
- inane small talk
- tailgaters at the speed limit
- drivers who don’t stop at zebra crossings (and are usually speeding)
- not saying ‘thank you’ for various things
- spitting in the street (country lanes acceptable if absolutely necessary)
- queue-jumping (I’m not patriotic but as a national institution it’s clearly a tried-and-tested method. If you don’t like it, don’t go out in public)
- general rudeness
- various driving offences
- poor grammar (especially in a corporate / business context – surely you could find *some*body to proof-read?)
I didn’t dare start thinking of any to add because I have many pet peeves!
Posted by Shell on May 1, 2010
The one that I’d like to add has already been mentioned by at least one person: Kate W.
SITTING AT THE FRONT OF A COMEDY OR MUSIC GIG THEN GETTING UP AND DOWN AND/OR TALKING – 200-300 Why be there at all if you are not interested? Don’t distract those on stage and spoil the gig for everyone around you. It’s rude to the performers and VERY annoying.
Posted by Laura B on April 30, 2010
Leaving “to” out of a sentence (e.g. “I’m just going the shops”)
FINE: £200
The your/you’re and there/their/they’re mix up
FINE: £100
Writing “should of” and “could of” instead of “should have” and “could have”.
FINE: £800 (this one really winds me up)
Don’t even get me started on apostrophes. Can I set up my own grammar police?
Posted by Hannah on April 30, 2010
Heh heh heh, this blog and following comments is just too much fun. All should be implemented immediately.
Posted by Mel on April 30, 2010
Ooooh, love this one.
1. People who go through their ringtones in public – €300. Stop, just stop. They’re all bad. Pick one at home.
2. Answering a phone when you’re in the cinema – €5000. Has happened around me the last three times I’ve been. And they haven’t gone “sorry I’m in the movies, I’ll call you back” they had a conversation.
3. Continually checking your phone while at the movies – €1000. It really doesn’t matter does it?you’re not going anywhere? The messages will still be there! I don’t need to have you shining the light in my eyes every second minute!
4. Sitting on an aisle seat and not moving over on a train/bus. Also goes hand in hand with leaving a bag on the seat. €200
5. telling your kids that “science doesn’t matter” just coz you didn’t like it at school – €300. This makes my job harder.
I think I’m done!
Posted by Caleb on April 29, 2010
Ok, so I think there should be a fine on people who complain about smokers in beer gardens (sorry Corey, but if it makes you feel any better I agree with you on the text speak one), as we would love to be able to smoke inside, but we were already banned from doing that. So to complain about our being outside smoking is completely intolerant. FINE: Firstly being initiated into the black lung brigade, to the point of addiction, and then having to deal with the intolerance and judgement of non-smokers.
-Adverts that try to be clever by introducing singing or songs that irritate (e.g. Go Compare and WeBuyAnyCar). FINE: People responsible for said adverts should be detained in a stockade for a few days in every major city in Britain (obviously a few days in each city), with a large sign above them explaining who they are, while members of the public are allowed to throw rotten fruit or vegetables (no pineapples), or defecate in their ears (punishment fits the crime in that case).
Posted by Corey on April 29, 2010
I wasn’t going to comment as plenty of things get my dander up, and I didn’t want to get riled up!……but here are a few of my pet peeves:
People who over use ‘lol’. Example On Facebook: Hey hun, hows you? Is your mum ok? lol FINE: No Facebook for a month
When you get an email and its written in txt speak: Why bother, don’t get it. FINE: Slapped wrist
When Piers Morgan appears on TV!: FINE: Stoned till it shuts his smug face up
Definitely on board with heavy fines for middle lane drivers, smokers polluting beer gardens and Alan Hansen’s bland punditry on Match Of The Day
Posted by Ben on April 29, 2010
Aidan, I have to completely disagree with the fining of Literally Bad Usage. In fact I disagree so much, I think people should get some sort of fiscal reward based on how absurd the literal translation becomes.
I literally shat myself laughing = £20 reward (doubled if it turns out not to be figuratively intended at all. just to cover the dry-cleaning.)
He went ape-shit, literally = £40 reward (imagine that. weird)
I literally exploded. It was awesome = £80 (that includes a bonus, because the literal translation would be genuinely awe-inspiring)
Posted by Maddie on April 29, 2010
Thank you EmmaT, I am open to fining the new ones too, just not as harshly.
All of these rules and fines are fantastic, How shall we put the wheels in motion of getting them enforced? Team??
Posted by Ben Draper on April 29, 2010
PEOPLE WHO LEAVE THEIR MOBILE PHONES ON LOUD IN PUBS – £50 – It’s terribly annoying and there is a whole function on your phone to make it less annoying when you are in that situation. There are no excuses. It’s just not the place for it.
Posted by Bloomability on April 29, 2010
SINGING/QUOTING JINGLES FROM ADVERTS THAT AREN’T FUNNY ANYMORE (£50 per offence) Is increased to £100 if you are at the zoo and start trying to do a ‘Compare The Meerkat’ impression when stood in front of the meerkat enclosure. They must be sick of it by now, surely? Poor little things.
SAYING ‘TWENNY’ INSTEAD OF TWENTY- £30 per offence or a calculator throw at your head. Hard.
I can’t really think of any more but there are some other great suggestions ^_^
Posted by Joelle Stanton on April 29, 2010
I agree completely with all of these. They all anger me greatly, although it’s not hard to send me on a high-pitched tirade these days.
Slightly hypocritical coming from someone who is only 15 themselves but; teenagers need to stop being so annoying and have some consideration for people other than themselves.
Very easy to start a rant on these sorts of blog topics!
I hope these ideas get seen to in the near future world wide.
Posted by Emily on April 29, 2010
Oh and I would amend:
PLAYING MUSIC ON PHONE IN PUBLIC WITHOUT HEADPHONES: this really warrents in some way causing the offender to become deaf so that they shall never enjoy music again.
Another one I meant to add related to my silent zone library one:
NOT OBEYING THE QUIET/NO MOBILES ETC RULE IN THE QUIET COACH ON TRAINS: £50-£250 again dependent on noise level. Quiet does not have to be silent, but having your phone go off and then proceding to answer and talk loudly when you are sitting next to the door of the carriage is just unacceptable. It’s 2 metres walk to go where no-one else can hear you! And still not exactly far if you are in the middle of the carriage. Besides, why do you want the whole world to hear your conversation? If you want to spend your 2 hour journey from London to Crewe on the phone catching up on gossip you shouldn’t have chosen a seat in the quiet coach!
Posted by Emily on April 29, 2010
I would like to add:
NOT OBEYING THE “SILENT” PART OF THE PHRASE SILENT ZONE IN THE LIBRARY: £100-£1000 depending on level of noise/overall level of distraction. For example eating a packet of crisps (allowed) in a manner louder than necessary would be £100, having phone go off would be £250, proceding to answer phone whilst still in the silent zone, £500, conversations up to the full £1000 depending on noise level (phone conversations included) and conversation content. A conversation actually relating to the thing being studied is more acceptable than one containing all the latest gossip. (It may be observed I have spent the morning in the silent zone of the library at varying levels of annoyance at people).
EATING SMELLY FOOD ANYWHERE IN PUBLIC: £50-100 depending on smelliness. Not everyone appreciates having tuna sandwhich smell wafted their way whislt trying to study, or having a particularly smelly tangerine (or similar) pealed next to them on the bus home.
There are probably more but these are the ones that have vexed me most this morning.
Posted by glamlovinkitty on April 29, 2010
I agree with pretty much all of your suggested fines Mark – please run for prime minister next time. I appreciate it’s a little late to try this time round.
I would add:
Dropping litter of any kind – £500. This is doubled if offender drops litter where a rubbish bin is in clear sight.
Smoking in bus shelters – £1000. If raining, doubled. I’m sick of being forced to stand outside of the shelter in the pishing rain while some smoker stays in the shelter and keeps their minging fag dry!
Getting on the bus with your kid and then letting it scream bloody murder while you ignore it and chat away on your phone – £50,000. Unforgiveable. Fine doubled if your phone conversation is entirely vacuous, as it generally is.
Posted by Amy on April 29, 2010
Could we possibly add not saying thank you when you step off a kerb/ footpath to let someone pass to the “NOT SAYING THANK YOU WHEN SOMEONE OPENS A DOOR OR STANDS ASIDE FOR YOU” rule? I think it’s only fair, it drives me barmy. I’m risking life and limb on an actual road where cars are to let you pass – the least you could do is acknowledge the perilous situation in which I put myself in the name of common courtesy.
Posted by EmmaT on April 29, 2010
OK Maddie, there will be no fines for new drivers. However it is good not to develop bad habits, so it shall be a three strikes and you’re out type fine.
I have been driving so long now that I have forgotten the feeling of being scared on the motorway.
Posted by Zoe on April 29, 2010
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that agrees with Mark’s new laws.
I’ve a couple to add.
SWEARING IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN £100-£500 – I’m not saying ban all swearing.We all like a bit of a swear now and then but when you’re stood in a queue with children next to you and you start dropping the C word loudly, £200 right there. The £500 fine goes to whippersnappers as a harsh lesson and to break the habit early before it takes hold.
POO BAG OFFENDERS £200 – You’ve already taken the trouble to pick up the poo and tie it up in the bag. Why then hang the bag in the nearest tree or place it on someones wall. Worse still pop it in my recycling bin after the men have been on collection day.
LEYLANDII CONIFERS – £1000 – No Leylandii conifers to be grown ever again, anywhere, no exceptions.
I feel better now. Thanks Mark.
Posted by Katy on April 29, 2010
I agree with most of the ones on here, especially people going to a gig and then snogging or talking the whole way through. You paid money to see THE BAND, why are you not paying attention?
I also agree with poeple who take children to pubs. My local is constantly full of small children running around whilst the mothers sit there drinking away the evening. In fact, I spoke to the manager the other week as one group of ladies left a baby in its pram whilst they all went outside to smoke.
I’d like to add – cyclists that ride on the pavement when theres a perfectly good road for them to be riding on.
Posted by Kate W on April 29, 2010
Completely with Simone on “Going to see a band just to be that couple who eat each other’s faces for several hours” and would like to add:
TALKING ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE BAND/COMEDY: 10 x the ticket price, to be distributed among audience members within earshot. If you don’t want to be here, just LEAVE, don’t ruin the gig for everyone else who paid to see/hear it and is paying attention.
P.S. (This is in response to some tweets of Mark’s today about PAs and is unlikely to be use or interest to anyone else – apologies for the extra scrolling.
So – I don’t think having a PA is at all a tossery thing to do. It’s just a way of making better use of your time by having someone else organise the stuff that doesn’t have to be done by you and you’re not (to use a terrible phrase) adding any value to. You’re doing a massive amount at the moment and that could all happen more smoothly and with less frustration if you had some help on things like booking trains.
PAs in London earn anywhere from £18,000-£30,000 full time, depending on the industry and how much experience they’ve got, and a ballpark hourly rate would be somewhere around £10-£14. But you could have someone one day a week, a few hours a day or a virtual PA who works remotely for however much time you think you need. There are companies that do that as a service (e.g. http://www.moneypenny.co.uk, http://www.onehourpa.com, and http://www.timeetc.co.uk) or self-employed people you could hire as individuals (sites like http://www.peopleperhour.com or even Gumtree would help you find someone).
From what you’ve said, travel bookings and answering calls would be good to hand over to someone else, but it might also be worth thinking about whether you could use help with things like managing your diary (although you seem pretty organised in that regard – more so than several comedians I can think of who keep double-booking themselves or having to be on stage an hour after getting off a trans-Atlantic flight), sorting out receipts etc for tax and even tedious stuff like renewing insurance.
Only you know what would be helpful and how much you’re willing to delegate, but if you find someone good, you’ll wonder how you lived without them. When I was a PA, I booked my boss’s travel, sorted out his expenses, took his calls, managed his diary and filed the insurance claim when he lost his raincoat at Heathrow – life without having to do those things is a nicer, most efficient place. Having said that, it’s a bit like having a cleaner – if you’re going to spend hours tidying up before they arrive, it’s not working. You’d need someone who can fit in with you and how you do things, that doesn’t mean changing the habits of a lifetime or implementing a new regime you hate.
In the meantime, please, please stop using The Trainline. They charge for bookings and will only make you unhappy. The National Rail Enquiries Journey Planner gives you all the possible route/fare options and you can then book with any train company you like, even if you’re not travelling with them.)
Posted by Steph on April 29, 2010
I’d say make smoking in outside public areas illegal. 500. My local high-streets’s cycle lane is disgusting.
And whilst on that topic…Let’s make walking in the cycle lane illegal. 1000. The people that do this are just plain stupid and unobservant. I ring my bell and glare at them but no, they just won’t budge. I usually shake my head profusely as I go past and make a meal out of swerving out of the way last minute, but lately, it hasn’t quite been enough.
Posted by lisa brunders on April 28, 2010
What a great blog, the ideas just keep on coming. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m glad you do, thank you.
People who smoke in cars when other people are with them 200, when children are with them 2000 per child.
People who can’t control their own dogs 500 and dog confiscated.
Posted by perian on April 28, 2010
I haven’t read everyone else’s yet, but YES YES YES on the spitting in public one!
Posted by david on April 28, 2010
careful Mark, fixed fines could lead to a plutocracy. this blog needs to remain a markocracy.
Posted by Spencer on April 28, 2010
Fines for lorries trying to overtake other lorries on a dual carriageway: £100
Also, if anyone can figure out the logistics of this for me I’d like to impose on the spot fines for pollen. Not pollen in general – that wouldn’t work at all. I mean specifically any that has got up my nose or in my eyes. Like I say, logistics could be an issue but there’s some fairly resourceful people in Watson-World.
Posted by Lynsey on April 28, 2010
People who start a sentence with the words “I’m not racist, but…” – if you have the need to use that phrase, then you are being racist and you probably know you are. – £1000 fine.
Parents who swear at their children – Just because your child is being a little b*****d in public doesn’t mean that you should call them one in public. In fact swearing in front of children is totally inexcusable in general.- £1000 fine – £2000 if they call them the c-word.
People who write “loose” when they mean “lose” – £500 fine and a clout over the head with a dictionary.
Owning a Jedward CD – A punishment too horrible to describe.
Posted by Dominic on April 28, 2010
Swearing in the street. Fine: 10-100 pounds. Depending upon the amount of swearing and what words are used.
Chewing gum loudly. Fine 10. 30 repeat. Chewing gum inspectors employed or C.G.I.
People who stand in the way on an escalator. Fine: ordered to take stairs for a year apart from if they are old, they can use a stanner stair lift
Hope you like them Mark
Dom
Posted by Aislinn on April 28, 2010
1. FAT PEOPLE ON TRAINS, TAKING UP ALL OF THEIR SEAT AND MOST OF YOURS, TOO.
They won’t be fined but will have to pay your train fare for you. Or they can choose to walk everywhere until they’re fit enough to fit onto one seat.
2. PEOPLE WHO CLAIM THAT PULP FICTION IS ‘BORING’ WHEN THEIR IDEA OF A GOOD FILM IS WHATEVER CHANNING TATUM SHOWS UP IN NEXT.
Only a small fine, but they also have to go to ‘film school’ where they study the works of Edgar Wright, Quentin Tarantino, Hitchcock, Kubrick, Lucas, Boyle, Landis and the likes until they actually know a bit about film.
That’s sort of quite reasonable, isn’t it?
Oh, and a thirty pound fine for anyone who hasn’t seen at least one of either We Need Answers/Cowards do live stand-up.
Posted by Carl on April 28, 2010
This could potentially make me disliked but:
TALKING CLICHED SMALL TALK TO STRANGERS, ie. WEATHER, HOW BUSY THE TRAIN IS WHEN IT’S “USUALLY EMPTY AT THIS TIME” etc.
I understand people do it to be nice and prevent awkwardness but do I give off the impression of a boring man to strangers? If you’ve got nothing original to say to me in this world of a billion beautiful diverse things, hush your beak.
Punishment: You must walk on your hands for a week. In turn you will learn a new skill (I believe in reforming criminals) and ultimately have something interesting to talk about!
Posted by Catherine on April 28, 2010
“NOT PICKING UP DOG SHIT. Okay, I know this is already illegal, but the fine should be a lot steeper. 10,000 should do the trick.” – Sam
I agree with Sam 100%. Besides the fine, there should be something immediate and gross that the dog walker would have to suffer. Perhaps a new home for the dog with really responsible people is in order, too.
Posted by Kathryn on April 28, 2010
I agree with all of this. My own small suggestions would be:
PEOPLE TAILGATING WHEN YOU’RE DRIVING AT THE SPEED LIMIT: I passed my test a few months ago and all I ever seem to get is angry people behind me in big scary cars driving 3 inches from my bumper because I’m doing 31 miles an hour. It’s really scary and intimidating and often more likely to cause accidents. Speed limits in residential areas are there for a reason! £1000-£2500 depending on relative anger levels and distance between the cars.
Posted by Lizzie on April 28, 2010
Beginning every sentence with “No, but…” for no real reason: £80.
Posted by Aidan Jones on April 28, 2010
Using ‘literally’ in conversation when meant as ‘figuratively’,
e.g. “I was literally starving” £800
This also applies to using ‘tbh’ on facebook when it is not needed.
e.g. I’m not sure about the election tbh. £300
tbh= to be honest
Posted by Alice on April 28, 2010
Stopping at the top or bottom of an escalator to decide where you’re going next – £500 peak (lunchtimes and Saturdays), £200 off peak.
Also
Not having your wallet ready when you’ve been in the supermarket queue for ages – £50 first time, £100 after that.
Posted by amycool on April 28, 2010
I agree wholeheartedly with most of the ones already suggested so I think I’ll focus on Library-related annoyances (as that is where I work):
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO USE A COMPUTER SAYING “COMPU’ER” IN A LOUD VOICE AND STANDING WITH A STUPID LOOK ON THEIR FACE INSTEAD OF ASKING POLITELY: £50 for a first offence, increasing by the power of 2 each time. Throwing down a library card at the same time will double the fine.
PEOPLE WITH GUEST LOG-INS TELLING ME “THE COMPUTERS DON’T WORK!” SO I HAVE TO WALK OVER, ONLY TO FIND THAT INSTEAD OF TYPING IN THE NUMBER I GAVE THEM, THEY HAVE ENTERED A RANDOM SELECTION OF DIGITS: £300 plus a compulsory basic reading course.
THE PHRASE “THE MACHINE DOESN’T WORK” IN CONJUCTION WITH A CUSTOMER WHO HASN’T EVEN MANAGED TO FOLLOW THE FIRST INSTRUCTION ON THE SCREEN: £200 This phrase is usually said with an intonation that suggests that I personally created the ‘machine’ and that the phrase, “Pick an option: Borrow items, Renew items, Return items, Pay Fees, Account” is impossible for most people to understand. I don’t mind if you don’t understand but it really isn’t difficult to say, “Can I have some help with taking out my books please?”
THE PHRASE, “DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE LOSING YOUR JOBS?” WHEN A CUSTOMER SEES THE NEW SELF-SERVICE MACHINES: £500 for being so tactless. Yes, some of us will be made redundant and you inanely grinning or even getting angry at me, isn’t helping matters.
PEOPLE WANTING TO BORROW BOOKS WITHOUT A LIBRARY CARD AND BEING SURPRISED WHEN I INFORM THEM THEY WILL NEED ONE: £20 for a first offence, rising to £100 for a second one. £10000 for anyone who then gets angry with me when I explain that they will have to type in their 14 digit number, which I have had to search for on my computer.
ANYONE USING THE PHRASE, “I PAY YOUR WAGES”: £2500 – no explanation needed.
PEOPLE REMOVING BOOKS AND JUST DUMPING THEM ANYWHERE WHEN I HAVE JUST PUT THEM IN ORDER (on one occasion someone took a book from in front of my face and then squashed it between two books on the shelf next to me): £200 – I understand if you don’t know where to leave it, but just put it on the just returned trolley, or give it to me. Don’t put a crochet book in the mathematics section.
PARENTS WHO LEAVE THEIR CHILDREN TO PLAY ALONE WHILE THEY CHECK THEIR E-MAILS, OFTEN RESULTING IN CATASTROPHIC MESS: £100,000 – I was once greeted by our play pen three quarters full of children’s fiction. The child’s Mum was heard saying, “Quick, get out, don’t say anything” We’ve also had many bumped heads and one kid almost choked to death. Then there’s the obligatory whiny cries because they’ve been left at the age of one to entertain themselves.
SWEARING: £100-£5000, depending on where and how loudly. A man was sat in the children’s library on a mobile phone, using the word “fuck” and “cunt” at the top of his voice. Even after I asked him to stop he carried on. I don’t mind swearing at all in the right situations, but when there are children present I don’t think it’s ever acceptable. Even worse is hearing parents swear at their children. I once heard a woman say to her 8 year old daughter, “I’m not a fucking lesbian”, and then went on to get her daughter to say that she liked men, not women. There are some terrible people in the world.
I should stop now before I fill the Internet up.
Just for the record, there are lots of lovely polite people who use the library and aren’t thick as two short planks.
Posted by Kim on April 28, 2010
Some of these were already mentioned, the DRIVERS WHO DON’T INDICATE for example, but that should be at least £1000 – or £2000 for the drivers who then get in a huff because you’re still crossing the road. Permission to punch them in the face if they also beep their horn.
PEOPLE WHO SLAM DOORS INSTEAD OF JUST CLOSING THEM GENTLY: £250 per slam, £500 per slam after about 8 in the evening. Two of my housemates are incapable of using a doorhandle and it drives me bonkers, especially when I’ve just got to sleep.
PEOPLE WHO OWN YAPPY DOGS AND LEAVE THEM OUTSIDE TO YAP ALL DAY: £500 plus removal of dog
SHOPS THAT DON’T STOCK PETITE RANGES, specifically those who claim that there’s “no demand” – £750. Also for shops who advertise a 30″ leg as “short”. No it’s not – 26″ is short. Money to go towards teaching short people how to hem up jeans properly (not that I’m a bitter midget or anything…
)
I feel better for getting all that off my chest!
Posted by Misha on April 28, 2010
I feel like I need to defend spitting in the correct situation. Mostly because i’m massively unfit when I take my bike to the stables (4 miles up hill) it does some very peculiar things to my lungs and throat. That does lead to me needing to stop occasionally to spit into the ditch, (being lanes I always go for the drainage ditch rather than the road). Is there some kind of potential relaxing of the rules allowed for unfit people dying quietly on the roadside?
Posted by ShineUrShoesGuv on April 28, 2010
Can I add;
Drivers passing way too close when they overtake cyclists on the road, just because you’re safe in your metal box don’t forget I break if I fall off when you force me into the curb!
At least £3000 fine or being forced to cycle for a month to raise their awareness.
Groups of teenagers who insist on shouting everything to each other……your mates are right there, keep it down you’re making my ears bleed, and yes you may have had half a cider but you don’t need to prove to the whole street you’re having a good time.
£50 a strong deterent
When do we march to get these through parliament?
Posted by Miss Knee on April 28, 2010
I feel some of these rules actually punish themselves… for example a lot of the boys who spat al lot at my secondary school ended up with terrible tooth decay because apparently spit fights plaque… hahaha.
And I don’t know if you been to/know of Hanham in Bristol, but there is an excellent piece of graffiti there that says ‘Homos r gay’. I love those Hanham teens.
Posted by Corrine on April 28, 2010
This is beginning to turn into passiveaggressivenotes.com…
Inspired by Maddie’s comment, I’d like to suggest CONSISTENTLY AND REPEATEDLY IGNORING YOUR CHILD INNOCENTLY TRYING TO GAIN YOUR ATTENTION (I don’t mean attention-grabbing, I mean just trying to ask a question or something) and EXPECTING OTHER PEOPLE TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD FOR YOU; at my work, the tills not currently in use are blocked with a metal barrier. When the tills are open, the barrier is pulled back against the till, and as many children have discovered, make an oh-so-satisfying ‘BANG!’ when pulled back a little and released against the metal of the till. To return to the point, some parents don’t tell their child off themselves but instead threaten it with “The lady will tell you off.” No, actually, I won’t. That isn’t my job, it’s yours. Do it.
Posted by Emmy on April 28, 2010
I agree with a lot of the ones people have already said. To add to it:
NOT LOOKING BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET AND DOING SO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD OR WHEN THERE ISN’T THE GREEN WALKY MAN (unlimited fine)- Ahem. I cannot tell you how many times I have nearly cycled into someone because they have decided to walk across a very busy street (we’re talking Tottenham Court Road style busy here) without looking. What is the matter with you, look! Even worse are the people that look, see a cyclist coming, but then decide to cross right in front of them anyway. I have absolutely no pity for these people. If I wasn’t afraid for my own well-being I would just crash into them to teach them a lesson.
NOT CLEANING UP AFTER YOUR PETS IN YOU LIVE IN A SHARED HOUSE (£400 and the pets confiscated)- I’m not talking about terrible abuse here. For example, if you have a cat, clean up that cat’s litter box more than once every two weeks. Especially if that bloody litterbox is outside the door of my room. Get your own flat and you can stink it up all you want but you’re living with other people now honey. And they all secretly hate you.
Posted by Anji on April 28, 2010
I think to help with stopping spitting in the street that ALL footballers should be fined for doing it during matchs! A good whopping fine that goes to charity. Obviously the whopping fine should depend on the club, down your street rovers probably shouldn’t pay as much as say Man u.
I agree with everything else so far. After the day for the old PM I think we stand a good chance of getting some of these rolling! We could get things together in time for the next election right?!
Posted by Maddie on April 28, 2010
I must say I agree with all of you fine people.
Although, EmmaT, may I request a reduced fine for first-time scared motorway drivers? The middle lane hogging is incredibly annoying, however, I do remember how terrified I was the first time I did it. Still, everybody has to learn, so keep the fine in place.
PARENTS WHO TELL THEIR CHILDREN OFF FOR A TANTRUM CAUSED BY SAID PARENT: £1000. For example, I often witness scenarios such as:
Parent: What would you like?/ What do you want?
Child: I would like ‘X’.
Parent: No, you’re not allowed that.
Child: ‘upset / tantrum’
Parent: ‘lots of shouting’ Well, you can just go without.
For goodness sake, don’t have a go at the kid when you have asked them a question and they have given you an answer. If you don’t want them to have something, then give them options of what they can have in the first place, otherwise they are just confused.
There are many, Many more, but I think between us all, we will cover them
Posted by Kate on April 28, 2010
I completley agree with all of these! Especially the one about talking in the cinema.
NOT INDICATING WHEN YOU TURN A CORNER- £500, vehicle confiscated and 2 hours spent in hospital waiting to see a doctor about my back when you fucking ran me over.
DRIVING REALLY FAST DOWN QUIET/SMALL STREETS LISTENING TO REALLY LOUD MUSIC- £100-£300 depending on how good the music is.
QUOTING FACEBOOK GROUPS- £200 and persons facebook account deleted.
Posted by Marie on April 28, 2010
“TALKING TOO LOUDLY ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT: 250-800. Depending on how inane the conversation is. Independent Inanity Inspectors to determine this.”
~
Can this be trebled if they’re in the Quiet Carriage on a train? Got stuck listening to three idiots witter on for an hour and a half a couple of weeks ago, when I’d specifically pre-booked a space in a quiet carriage.
Posted by elin on April 28, 2010
WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PAVEMENT AND NOT MOVING TO THE SIDE WHEN MEETING SOMEONE, FORCING MEETER OUT INTO THE STREET / PRESSED UP AGAINST A BUILDING / SIMPLY HAVING TO STOP AND BEING WALKED IN TO. £500 per offender, possibly to be divided between the sufferer of these bad manners and the construction of more bicycle and walking paths (the non-car infrastructure here in Bergen is appalling…)
and
STANDING IN GROUPS IN NARROW PASSAGES / THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD / GENERALLY IN THE WAY. Also £500 per offender. Preferably to be given to me.
Posted by Rachael on April 28, 2010
I guess this probably comes under the jurisdiction of RAT but repeated loud burping in restaurants by obnoxious twats should be about £3000, at least.
Posted by LisaD on April 28, 2010
Couldn’t agree more, especially with the plating music on your phone fine; at least back in the days of boom boxes the sound quality was good.
Here are a few of mine.
(Haven’t got a pound key on my keyboard, must substitute dollars for fines, but feel free to work out the exchange. Also I have to admit the first few of these may be seen as USA-specific.)
QUOTING GLENN BECK AS THOUGH IT’S YOUR OWN THOUGHT: $500
MISQUOTING GLENN BECK AND BEING TOO CLUELESS TO NOTICE: $10,000
CLAIMING THE FOUNDING FATHERS OF AMERICA WANTED IT TO BE A CHRISTIAN NATION IN SPITE OF, OH EVERYTHING THEY EVER WROTE ON THE SUBJECT: $50 plus a minimum TWO YEAR degree in American History. (the low fine is to allow for the ridiculously high cost of education)
USE OF THE PHRASE “AMERICA, LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT” $1,000 and possible treason charge for violation of the US Constitution.
In less “my country tis of thee” terms
BEING RUDE TO CUSTOMER SERVICE/WAIT STAFF: $500 and one day doing their job for them.
SINGING ALONG AT MUSICALS: movie $100 / theater $300 (higher amount in theater not because it’s more annoying but because the actors can also hear you and get distracted)
QUOTING LINES FROM A MOVIE WHILE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING SAID MOVIE: $50 and a slap from anyone in the room. (obvious exemption for The Rocky Horror Picture Show)
OUTING CELEBRITIES: $10,000 and the suspension of your blog (people have the right to come out when they’re ready, even when it’s insanely obvious to everyone)
Unless one is
OUTING A CONSERVATIVE POLITICIAN WHO HAS MADE IT THE MISSION OF HIS/HER POLITICAL CAREER TO STOP THE ADVANCING OF THE QUEERS: $10,000 REWARD to be paid by the party of said politician for wasting people’s time and money by being stupid enough to back a self-hating closet case in the first place.
Posted by Hamish on April 28, 2010
USE OF OMG AND LOL IN EVERDAY CHAT: 200 per offence , I can barely stand them as text, email or social networking status updates and find the increasing use of them as ‘said’ words far too disturbing. That is all.
Posted by Chrissy on April 28, 2010
when driving – not letting someone out of a side street 100
not thanking someone who lets you through 100
shortening words which should never be shortened 100 – 1000, my main target is the use of the word Gaj in the Gadget show that my hubby insists on watching.
people who park on kerbs so the children must walk on the road 1500
oh I could go on all day but those are the main few and I agree with all Marks aswell
Posted by Kate W on April 28, 2010
Completely with Simone on “Going to see a band just to be that couple who eat each other’s faces for several hours” and would like to add
TALKING ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE COMEDY/BAND: 10 x the price of the ticket, to be distributed to audience members within earshot. If you don’t want to watch/listen, then LEAVE – don’t ruin the gig for everyone else who wants to be there and is paying attention.
(P.S. This is in response to Mark’s tweet about PAs, because I couldn’t compress my thoughts on the subject into 140 characters. This is unlikely to be of use or interest to anyone else!
Yes, I think a PA would be really useful for you; just means having someone to organise all the stuff you’re too busy to organise and that you’re not (to use a horrible phrase) adding any value to. Definitely travel bookings and it might also be good to have someone do your diary – you seem quite organised in that regard, but a lot of comedians aren’t and seem to end up double-booking themselves or having to be on stage an hour after getting off a trans-Atlantic flight.
Depending on the industry/how much experience they have, PAs get paid anywhere from about £22K up to around £35K full time. But thanks to the internet you can also now have a Virtual PA who works from home and does however many hours you think you need.
Please, please stop using The Trainline. They charge for bookings and will only make you unhappy. National Rail Enquiries will show you all the fare options and you can then book with any train company you like, whether you’re travelling with them or not.
It sounds like you’re drowning in offers of Personal Assistance, but I’ll throw my hat into the ring too; spend 99% of my life at a computer and would be very happy to help book stuff and generally organise.)
Posted by Irwin on April 28, 2010
Fining people who lay music on public transport was the very first thing that I thought of. I was thrilled to see it as the first of this exciting new world order.
Alot of my quibbles with modern society have already been mentioned either in the blog or the comments, so all I can really add is public nudity.
Not in a prudish sense. I mean it’s alright at the beach or other sunbathing hotspots. I mean when it gets a little bit warm and all of a sudden men of varying physiques whip off their shirts.
I love whoever proposed the use of ‘LOL’ in speech. It’s annoying, even in texts and other non-verbal forms of communication.
I’d like to propose a flat fine of £1 million for pretty much everything mentioned. Not as a punishment, but as a significant deterrent.
The only people who offend are excessively fat men, or men who only ever go outside to get to or from the gym.
Either way it’s unsightly and un-British.
Posted by DeborahF on April 28, 2010
I completely agree with Jon on the “SUING PEOPLE FOR YOUR OWN STUPIDITY”
May I also suggest:
OTHER PEOPLE’S PETS USING YOUR GARDEN AS A TOILET at least £500 per offence scaling to premature death of pet for significant repeat offences*
* Ok I guess death maybe a bit harsh but I have a neighbourhood full of cats that insist on using my vegetable patch as a toilet and it’s gross – I don’t want to eat veg flavoured with cat poo. Get them a litter tray and let your cat foul your own property not mine *rant*
Posted by Ben on April 28, 2010
Tell me what the muggers looked like and I’ll batter ‘em. Just a vague description will do, doesn’t have to be too specific, someone will get battered.
Posted by Sam on April 28, 2010
I agree with pretty much all of your suggestions. Generally any form or rudeness should be strongly punished and to the person who talked about people who can’t use the self-service checkouts at supermarkets – i’m completely with you, that’s a really bug bear of mine too!
As for my contribution…may be controversial but: PEOPLE WHO TAKE CHILDREN TO PUBS. I don’t mean eating areas in family-friendly bars, I mean places which are clearly a pub, don’t necessarily sell food and are full of people who are there mainly to drink and chat. Take your children somewhere child-appropriate. It’s very selfish to your child and to the others in the place if you take them somewhere clearly adult-oriented. I don’t have children, but I know this also annoys my friends who do – because they feel if they are enjoying an adult-only day/evening out without their kids they don’t want to have to put up with other peoples. Sorry – rant over. And fines – anywhere from £300 to £1000 depending on number of children and how poorly behaved they are.
BEING GRAHAM NORTON – unlimited fine.
PEOPLE WHO SAY “I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE BUT..” which is invariably followed by them saying something rude. Saying ‘you don’t mean to be’ before your statement doesn’t make it OK to be rude. Fines of £50-£200 depending on level of rudeness and how well you know the person you’re being rude to.
Posted by Megan on April 28, 2010
I most agree with the spitting in the street. It’s just vile and horrible. Many a random street crush has been ended by someone (not me) hoarking a loogie.
The restaurant thing too. I went to a friend’s birthday and her mother ‘tried’ four wines, sending them all back, because she didn’t really like them. Meanwhile, I just ordered something, decided it was so-so, and chose something else for my next glass instead. And looked/acted smug. As I do.
For my customers at the cinema:
NOT READING INSTRUCTIONS ON FORMS/SIGNS: Want to be on the mailing list? Don’t put your signature where it says to list your email address, remember to write down your membership number, and check off the box saying “Yes, I want to be on the mailing list.” Want to be served when there’s no one in the box office? How about reading the sign to ring the doorbell instead of banging on the door? (Fine – Not being allowed to come to the movies until you learn to read OR bringing me a chocolate macaroon from Rideau Bakery.)
For everyone else:
EATING STINKY FOOD ON PUBLIC TRANSIT: Fine 50 for the less offensive stuff (french fries), 250 for the moderately gross (Doritos, meatball subs), and 5000 for the truly smelly and stuff that only gets worse with time (shawarma/donairs, poutine).
(similarly) EATING NOISILY IN PUBLIC: $500 (or about 300 quid?). It’s just plain gross. I nearly throttled a woman who ‘smek smek smekked’ IN THE LIBRARY. Who eats in a library? (Someone did report her, thank goodness.)
WEARING TROUSERS THAT ARE SO TIGHT THAT PASSERSBY COULD, IF ASKED, DRAW A SKETCH OF YOUR ARSE/BITS WITH PERFECT ANATOMICAL CORRECTNESS: Fine only 100 quid. The thrush and impotence caused might be punishment enough.
OPENING A CAR DOOR INTO TRAFFIC WITHOUT CHECKING TO SEE IF A CYCLIST MIGHT BE COMING: $800000, the confiscation of the vehicle, and a barrage of verbal abuse. Ahem. (Basically, any driver who nearly kills me due to their lack of observation skills needs a kick in the teeth. And I’m not normally a violent person.)
Posted by Gabi on April 28, 2010
YES Mark. You are very right.
Also. Insisting on wheel spinning like a cock at 4 in the morning. 3-5000 depending on how early the awoken sleepee has to get up in the morning
Buying any of ‘The Sugar Babes’ Cds in HMV or other record outlet 250 (really there is no excuse, but a lot of pre teens listen to them. Still. THEY MUST LEARN.
Sending emails containing irrelevant info and/or scams (i.e vigara emails to girls. I don’t want to make my penis any bigger than it already is thank you) 670.69pe (per email)
Spouting the Daily Mail’s opinions as your own and thinking this is the right way to speak to people 45 per sentence.
Posted by Rosanna on April 28, 2010
Agree with all your propositions!
I agree completely with Lauren and Corrine on the make up one. At our school (and I’m guessing most others) there are certain groups that sit in the toilets all lunch bitching and shovelling make up on.. Also makes it difficult to use the sinks for their actual function of washing your hands!
Also agree with the lack of use of indicators – particulalry when they make angry noises and sound their horn after rounding a corner too quickly having not indicated and nearly running you over.
Oh and queuing. And being late. And missing apostrophes etc. on signs (not really applicable to on the spot fines but it’s irritating anyway).
And my new suggestion is a large fine for being annoying little chav kid that begins to destroy other people’s snowmen before they’ve actually finished making them – OK, that may apply to me more than anyone else but they were bloody annoying.
OK moan over
Posted by Helen on April 28, 2010
HONKING YOUR HORN AT SOMEONE JUST AS THE LIGHT GOES AMBER TO GREEN: £5,000. The light is just about to change and you expect the car infront of you to have already moved off? Don’t be such a prat.
USING TEXT SPEAK ON BLOGS/FACEBOOK STATUS/ETC: £10 per word. Or in their cases… “per wrd”. I’m dyslexic and such at spelling as it is but I hate trying to read people’s entries on websites that look as if they rolled their face over the keyboard and expect the world to understand what it says. “av”? What’s wrong with “I’ve” or “have”?
BREATHING SMOKE INTO YOUR BABY/CHILD’S FACE: £10,000 and removal of said child. If you can’t consider the health and well-being of another life you shouldn’t have pro-created to begin with.
Some of the things that bother me… I’m such a grumpy young woman!
Posted by louisel on April 28, 2010
I agree with all of these
Another one: STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED CORRIDOR TO HAVE A CONVERSATION- £2000. The Year 9s in my school do this all the time, and it’s so annoying! For some reason, they think that the best time to suddenly stop and talk is when a few hundred people are all trying to get through one door. ARGH!
SAYING CHILLAX- £1000. If you tell me to ‘chillax’, I won’t chill or relax, I’ll just want to hit you.
Posted by splittter on April 28, 2010
Drinking at and thus blocking the bar in an otherwise uncrowded pub – £1,000 and barred
Using the automatic checkouts at supermarkets if you are too stupid to actually work them – £500 1st offence, rising £250 a time for each subsequent offence
Eating in the cinema – Sliding scale from £300-£5,000 depending on noise level of the food (though even ‘silent’ food still merits a fine)
Posted by Misha on April 28, 2010
Being a tosser, 500-1000 depending on the level of tosserishness.
Example: “Lol you’re gay you’re so weird” 500.
Throwing a rock at someone’s head. 1000.
Using the phrase “fuck my life” When it doesn’t really merit it. 100-2000 varying.
“OMG I forgot my homework” does not merit “FML”
However “OMG my entire family have just died in a plane crash” does.
Oh and I think your headphones rule should be accompanied by a kick in the shin. I had to listen to that lady gaga telephone song on a loop for 40 minutes last week. I was on the verge of throwing the offenders phone out the window.
Ahh work, children. Lovely.
Posted by Sarah on April 28, 2010
Farting in public/bars equals being cupcaked for the rest of their life by a skunk, or failing that 1000.
Men that say they will call, then fail (as well as a host of other gripes) to will be given an extra set of balls as it’s clear they lack them.
Namedroppers will lose their friendship with said celebrity immediately, or just a 1000.
Posted by Sam on April 28, 2010
READING AND/OR BELIEVING YOUR HOROSCOPE – 500. Unless said horoscope predicts a substantial loss of money, in which case break a finger or something.
NOT PICKING UP DOG SHIT. Okay, I know this is already illegal, but the fine should be a lot steeper. 10,000 should do the trick.
NOT THANKING SOMEONE WHEN THEY LET YOUR CAR GO FIRST, if you get my drift. At least 1000, it’s just rude.
Posted by Andy Todd on April 28, 2010
EATING THE LAST CEREAL FROM THE BOX THEN REPLACING THE BOX IN THE CUPBOARD, MAKING YOU THINK ITS FULL WHEN ITS NOT, THEN HAVING NOTHING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST – Hung by the neck
Posted by Lauren on April 28, 2010
Corrine: I’m glad you agree with me on that one. Maybe we should really get Mark to send this off? Or simply start our own party?
I second your ‘nearly naked’ suggestion, although in scotland you have to be pretty brave to risk the weather. Also (apologies, once i start moaning about something I tend to not shut up) as I was just waiting on a bus heading home and reading this on my iPhone, some kind gentleman thought i may want to breathe in his cigarette smoke (I have asthma). Should there be a fine for this? Or do people just need to have manners and smoke away from others?
Posted by Adele on April 28, 2010
I agree with all of Mark’s suggestions and all of the suggestions in the comments which just goes to show what a complainer I am!
I would like to add:
RIDING THOSE ANNOYINGLY LOUD SCOOTER THINGS AROUND RESIDENTIAL AREAS: 100 – 2000 depending on the noise level: 100 for a big annoying rev before setting off on an actual journey, and 2000 for doing an excruciatingly loud circle of death around my cul-de-sac at night. Maybe this is just a Nottingham thing though?
I would also like to echo Steve’s post about being whacked by trollies in supermarkets. The culprits are usually the elderly that sidle up beside you and just keep edging their trolley further and further into your legs until you move away from the tinned goods.
Posted by Jon on April 28, 2010
BEEPING YOUR HORN LOTS OF TIMES TO DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF: £80 per unnecessary beep. Wow mate. Your car has a functioning horn? Well colour me impressed. Next you’ll be demonstrating your windscreen wipers eh.
ATTEMPTING TO GET ON THE TUBE/TRAIN BEFORE PASSENGERS HAVE FINISHED GETTING OFF: £150. You’re not going to get there any faster. And you could get on so much easier were it not for all those people in the doorway.
SUING PEOPLE FOR YOUR OWN STUPIDITY: £twice the amount you’re suing for. So you drilled through your own foot whilst trying to hammer a nail into a stud wall with your other hand, standing on a swivel chair did you? You’re a liability to your employer. Don’t sue them, find a job where you’re not a danger to yourself or anyone else.
Posted by EmmaT on April 28, 2010
I agree with all the above fines Mark, you should be el presidente.
This is a driving one and sometimes causes me to have a mild case of road rage:
MIDDLE LANE HOGGERS 1000.
If you are not over taking… get out the middle lane . If you are too scared to change lane on the big bad motorway… don’t use it. Thanks muchly.
Rant over, back to work.
Posted by Estee on April 28, 2010
Definitely agree with not saying thank you and talking with mouth full. Also, this doesn’t apply to you good folk with kids I’m sure, but mainly mums in busy supermarkets who use prams as a sort of battering ram to move wherever they like regardless of everyone else in their path – £1000. Fine waved if there is a hint of an apologetic smile or word. I should probably just lighten up I’m sure, but the rude ones are everywhere! And cashiers who take out their frustation of rude customers on the nice ones. In fact, supermarkets – I think we’re going to have to abolish them. Blackmarket all the way.
Posted by Joe Winton on April 28, 2010
CYCLING ON THE PAVEMENT WHEN THERE IS A PERFECTLY REASONABLE CYCLE LANE 1 METRE TO YOUR LEFT/RIGHT!! 200 and confiscation of bike! … this is more of a personal vendeta against cyclists on Lloydd George Avenue in Cardiff, who I am constantly having to jump out of the way of on my way into town!!
…the cycle path does in fact work – I’ve tried it!
Posted by TimRS on April 28, 2010
WANDERING THE STREETS INTIMIDATING PEOPLE WITH PIT-BULL STYLE DOG, ON OR OFF LEAD: 10,000 and dog to be neutered and taken to live out days in pit-bull sanctuary (possibly on Rockall?).
Additional fine of 25,000 for anyone who attempts a, “he/she won’t hurt you. He/she’s just a big softie, etc.”
If I were to stroll jauntily down the road with a loaded fire-arm, I’m sure a similar justification would not suffice.
Posted by Laura on April 28, 2010
I’ll quite happily make a citizen’s arrest in any of these cases – I have always fancied doing it. My friends and family have often worried about my safety when I, usually quite loudly whilst looking directly at the perpertrator, point out people’s appalling lack of decency. I’m sure one of these days I will get punched in the face.
I’m totally with Chris on the indicators one. Most cars round my way seem to be driven by total idiots. If they do actually know how an indicator works they invariably forget to turn it off after, rendering it completely useless.
PEOPLE WHO WON’T QUEUE. Fine: £750. Honestly, what on earth makes you think that your life is so much busier and more important than other people’s? Just wait your fucking turn. This especially applies to people who don’t understand/choose to ignore bar etiquette.
PEOPLE WHO WATCH COMEDIES ON THEIR LAPTOPS WHILE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT AND THEN LAUGH EVERY 30 SECONDS. Fine: £300. Keep it ’til you get home, people.
Posted by Simone on April 28, 2010
Going to see a band just to be that couple who eat eachother’s faces for several hours: £100-600 depending on how close to the front you are, how tall you are and how good the band is/how much the tickets cost. And getting kicked out of the venue.
Yeah, you jerks know who you are.
Posted by Liam on April 28, 2010
I like these Mark, good stuff! I also like @Sarah (talking in the cinema, nice one), @Ben Draper (stopping suddenly, I cannot stand that!).
Like @cymruangel – PAVEMENT HOGGING, e.g. when groups of people take up the entire width of the pavement, forcing you and your friends to either 1) be practically barged out the way, 2) shuffle single file past them, or 3) walk in the road around them: £20 per culprit & must walk in the gutter for the duration of their journey. A pavement works in both directions, what makes people think they have right of way over absolutely everyone like they own it?
NOT QUEUING/PUSHING IN QUEUES: £50 & you must apologise to every single person as you take the walk of shame to the back of the queue. You will not find a fairer system than queuing and you are not above everyone else.
Posted by Katie on April 28, 2010
I totally agree with everything, but the penalty of playing shite music over tiny speakers in a public area should be the confiscation or destruction of the equipment used to produce the noise, plus a fine. May I also suggest:
TAXI DRIVERS WHO REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RULES OF THE ROAD – £10,000. We all had to work hard to get our licences and learn the fundamental principals of driving, so the least you can do is give them a shot. You look like an arsehole. Stop it, and remember to indicate.
(I hesitate yo show you this as well, which I wrote on my blog some time ago. However, you’ve just proven that it’s a brilliant idea – if I do say so myself, which I will, because I can. http://wp.me/pPLWv-2q )
Posted by A lot of Rach[a]els on April 28, 2010
People have added other things that deserve fines and I thought of some but then quickly forgot some of them.
Parents that let their children run around supermarkets and then when they run into your legs and fall over it is your fault.
Unnecessary loud laughing at inappropriate times. I sat in front of someone at a show who had a high pitched laugh and it was constant throughout the whole show.
People who eat noisily at the cinema/during a show. Above mentioned person also did this.
Posted by Corrine on April 28, 2010
In reply to Lauren: the problem is definitely not limited to Glasgow, nor to those younger than 18, I’ve seen grown women wandering around like outsized oompa loompas. There should certainly be a fine (and confiscation of makeup and fake tan) for all parties guilty of this.
Also, can we do something about… how shall we say.. the larger breed of women (and men) who will be taking advantage of the summer and walking around in clothes that don’t cover their midrifts? It’s bad enough on petite women (very few can satisfactorily pull this off, in my opinion), and really… no-one needs to see that.
Posted by Garry on April 28, 2010
I’d add:
Talking about obsessively about Facebook in person – £100 fine and a punch in the face.
Sending a chain e-mails or lolcats – £200 fine.
Using shorthand (like txt, or hw r u?) in an e-mail with no character limit – £250 fine.
Posted by Corry Shaw on April 28, 2010
I’ll second the Chewing with Mouth Open suggestion but I would make the fine at least 600-1000
And I’d like to suggest EATING LOUD SNACK FOODS ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT to the list. I would like the fine to be at least 1000 but with the option to raise it to 20000 if I ever re-encounter the man who ate about 17 bags of prawn cocktail crisps in a row on one particularly slow and stressful Brighton-London train.
Posted by Lauren on April 28, 2010
I must say Mark, your suggestions are sheer genius! I plan to study politics at university this year so if you need a hand in sorting out the country I will gladly help
I also have a suggestion of my own. As a high school student, i am forced to be around the make up obsessed younger pupils every day and can’t help but notice their orange faces which are very often a different shade to their other body part. I can’t help but laugh at them and, as a near 18 year old who can wear make up properly, I slightly pity them. Anyway, I propose a fine of 700 and them being made to wear a ridiculous colour of face paint for a year. Maybe this problem only exists in glasgow.. it was worth a mention anyway 
Posted by Harry on April 28, 2010
Nothing much to add except hear, hear and hear.
Posted by Corrine on April 28, 2010
As a personal grievance, I’d like to add ‘TREATING CASHIERS AND OTHER CUSTOMER SERVICE STAFF LIKE DIRT: 3000 (to supplement their abysmal wages)’. Otherwise, excellent policies, you’ve got my vote!
Posted by Alconcalcia on April 28, 2010
CALLING COMPLETE STRANGERS ‘BOSS’ OR ‘MY FRIEND’ usually applies to the retail trade as in when I one is in a shop browsing.
ASKING PEOPLE IF THEY CAN ‘MOVE DOWN INSIDE PLEASE’ WHEN A TUBE TRAIN IS EVIDENTLY PACKED TO THE RAFTERS self-explanatory this one. Wait for the next train!
PARKING IN A PARENTS & CHILDREN PARKING SPACE AT THE SUPERMARKET WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY ON YOUR OWN it may already be a fineable offence, if not, shove it in your manifesto.
PAYING YOUR SUPERMARKET BILL IN 5p PIECES – applies mainly to OAPs’ so maybe the fine should only be a florin or half a crown or something
Posted by leanne on April 28, 2010
QUEUE JUMPING: £500. absolute tossers, so rude. is your time more important than mine? can’t bear it. besides queuing is a great british tradition & should be obeyed. always.
Posted by Chris on April 28, 2010
People who don’t indicate when driving: 100 for each offence. It annoys me that people think that even when there aren’t any other cars around, pedestrians won’t want to know what a car is doing.
Posted by cymruangel on April 28, 2010
I’d like to fine “Walking side-by-side on a pavement in a large group and forcing others to step out into the road, instead of going in single file for a bit”
It annoys me in the same way as people not saying thank you when you step aside, so similar fine of 175-300, rising to 1000 if person stepping into the road is almost run over by car.
Posted by Dawn on April 28, 2010
Mark, I definately agree with the Mugging Fine!
In January my daughter Laura was walking along pavement in Manchester City Centre talking to my other daughter amycool on her brand new iphone when 2 young scallies cycled past, one grabbing the phone out of Laura’s hand and scratching her face!
It was broad daylight on a busy street on a Saturday morning with lots of people witnessing the robbery. Laura was in total shock and worried because she works for BBC Manchester and has many “celebs” private phone numbers.
Needless to say, the police were NOT optimistic and pointed out that the two Lads did this regularly on the streets of Manchester.
Laura is now using the oldest mobile phone you have ever seen but at least she feels safe using it when out and about!
Posted by Sarah (@Goosecg) on April 28, 2010
Here goes… I’ll write them in the same format as you did. You have already covered some of my biggest pet peeves, for example not saying thank you and spitting in the street. And mugging again, I was mugged after a Bristol City match once.
NOT WASHING UP AFTER YOURSELF: 50-100. If you use someone elses stuff then you must wash it up as soon as you are done. If not, you shall be fined and the money will probably be used to buy new plates/cutlery/pans etc.
CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN: 50-100. Fine depends on what is being consumed, how loudly the chewing is, and dribbling factor. It’s just unpleasant and not needed.
SAYING ‘LOL’: 500. Just stop.
TALKING AT THE CINEMA: 250-500. I paid to watch the film, not hear you talk.
Wow, I could think of a lot more, but will let other people have a go.
Posted by Ben Draper on April 28, 2010
Stopping suddenly in the street and not checking to see if you’ve blocked anyones path: £200, £350 per person if they are also too wide (whether one person or group) to walk past.
Posted by Steve on April 28, 2010
Good blog post I could not agree more. I would fine people for trying to run you over with shopping trollies in supermarkets. Not sure on the fine level and how you prove intent but general rule is the older the people are the more they go for you!
Posted by Sam on April 28, 2010
SHOUTING AT PUBLIC TRANSPORT STAFF BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN INADEQUACIES: Eg when people have a go at bus drivers for them trying to pay with the wrong change. Or when somebody gets on the wrong train and blames the woman with the trolley. Now on folks, just not on. Fine between 50 and 1000 depending on level of rudeness, loudness and own stupidty.
Posted by Anna Lowman on April 28, 2010
“NOT SAYING THANK YOU WHEN SOMEONE OPENS A DOOR OR STANDS ASIDE FOR YOU: 175-300, depending on how much of a hurry defendant was in.”
YES. Even if you’re pregnant or elderly, and it’s assumed that people will stand up for you, or open the door, it just oils the wheels of life if you say thanks. Not saying that just lessens the chance that that person will continue to be polite, and increases the chance of them saying “no, no, that’s fine” in a sarcastic tone, leading to further hostility.
Posted by Ellie on April 28, 2010
THE USING OF MADE-UP WORDS FROM MAGAZINES: 100 e.g. ‘celebutante’, ‘recessionista’ & ‘staycation’. Offending words will be judged by people with very large dictionaries.
Posted by Sally E on April 28, 2010
I agree with Mark.