The eleven bloody winners
What began as a nice, fun competition to win copies of my book, Eleven, spiralled into a deadly battle to the death between micro-wordsmiths writing eleven-word tales, sob-storytellers, artists, and all sorts of other deserving cases. I teamed up with top editor Francesca Main from Simon and Schuster to whittle down the list, but, disastrously, she liked so many of them that we ended up whittling UP the list. The number of winners spiralled from five to an appropriate eleven. Even this was bloody difficult. There are at least five people who ALMOST won a book and I was going to do a ‘highly commended’ thing where they got runner-up prizes. But then if you weren’t even on that list, it would feel like you were rubbish. So essentially I want to highly commend everyone. But if you’re one of those five people who nearly won, I might try to contact you, e.g. on Twitter, and whisper it to you.
I’m still not sure we have the right 11 victors, but all those on the list excelled in some way. To paraphrase a joke from The Simpsons: you’re all winners, but more accurately, these people are the winners:
Corey for an excellent ‘consequences’ story about making lifelong friends through an act of kindness.
Helen LS for a binary diagram of the number 11.
Tom Beasley for probably wanting it more than anyone else and for impressing the editor with his other writings.
Alex Sweetnam for her story about talking to me in a show, and also for general loyalty. And also I owe her slightly for embarrassing her during a 24-hour show.
Jon for eleven eleven-word stories. Someone else also did this, and also very well, but Jon got there first.
Natalie-Helen for a beautiful picture.
Clo for a short, personal story about stealing a cat for a good reason.
Michael King for a list of 11 uses of walnuts: original and very well researched.
David for a superb eleven-word summary of the Apollo 11 mission.
Zoe Fell for rashly promising to wear a T-shirt, advertising the book, for the eleven days that she’s at the Edinburgh Festival, a bluff which I have no choice but to call.
…and lastly, Dawn, 51, partly for her story, but also partly because she is always posting comments saying that she has had a hard day working at Sainsbury’s and my blog cheers her up, and these comments in turn cheer ME up. And then yesterday she tweeted me saying she was looking forward to the results of the competition, but knew she didn’t have a chance of winning. I know I shouldn’t be so soft, but… (sigh).
As I said, this was extremely difficult, which is the sort of bollocks competition judges always say, but it’s true in this case: competition judges don’t normally feel quite as bonded to the entrants as I do to the readers of this blog. So if you didn’t win, I’m honestly sorry, especially if you’re one of the people who really really deserved to. But I wouldn’t be surprised if we had another competition along these lines. And also, during the book launches in London and Edinburgh I will probably give a couple more away. Basically, everyone in Britain will get a free one in the end, I expect. Don’t tell the rest of Britain I said that, though, or nobody will go to the shops for it.
Thank you. Honestly. You people.
Posted by Knox on May 12, 2011
Aw – very belated congratulations all – I’m actually smiling as I type this (not in a creepy, I’m on my own way, just in a warm glow, MW has the most awesome of fans way)
Posted by Michael King on May 10, 2010
Oh my lord, I had completely forgotten about this contest! I never thought I’d win! Thank you so much!
Posted by clo on May 1, 2010
Have just checked back to see who won this and am thrilled to discover it was me !! This win teamed with the stolen cat makes the whole breakup thing almost acceptable ! Thanks Mark – please will you autograph my copy ?
Posted by max on April 27, 2010
Congratulations to all the winners! The entries were really top notch. I don’t envy the jury that had to make the choice
Posted by Laura on April 27, 2010
Linsey – they were both me! Totally smacks of desperation, that. Your comments did indeed make me feel much happier so thank you x
Posted by Lydia on April 27, 2010
Yay! Well done book winners!!
I agree with the age thing! My mum and I are like pals because she’s stuck at 25 and me at 18. I had my first child at 18, although I’ve obviously matured in attitude I’m still pretty much 18 in spirit. It’s very frustrating because I have Rheumatoid Arthritis so have the body of a creaky 80 year old. I’m really struggling to come to terms with my boy going to secondary school too, I only left a few years back, how can it be that he’s starting there?? I’d like to press the pause button for a while now please.
Sorry, I’m wittering and it’s not even blog matter wittering. As you can tell, it plays on my mind a lot. I’d manage to change a conversation about sprouts to my premature midlife crisis.
As you were.
Posted by Rachael on April 27, 2010
Well done people, Can’t wait for the next competition now!
Posted by Dawn on April 27, 2010
CATHY, thankyou for the lovely age comment:) Even though I’m 51 I feel much much younger and I think kids keep you young.
My Kids are 29, 27, 25 and nearly 22 and so many of my interests are similar to theirs. Unfortunately the years just whizz past so quickly but in my mind I’m around 25 still:) Shame my face tells a different story!
Posted by Dawn on April 27, 2010
This morning I have woken up a WINNER! and it’s a brilliant feeling:) I will be walking into work with a big smile on my face which will stay there all day.
I have decided to share my lovely prize with my daughter amycool firstly because she introduced me to Mark’s Blog, but more importantly because she has been my guiding light over the past few years and I owe her BIG time!
My newly found confidence has encouraged me to definately appeal against my Written Warning for absence due to High Blood Pressure as I am a Winner, not a Loser:)
So Mark, my 7 words has reaped big results, Thankyou:)
Posted by Rachel Winter on April 27, 2010
Congrats to everyone!
I stupidly entertained thoughts of winning…!
def think we’re all great on here. congrats again.
Posted by Catherine on April 27, 2010
Dawn,
You are not the oldest. Trust me on this. But age is in your head, except for when you feel it in your joints.
Congratulations!
Cathy
Posted by Spencer on April 26, 2010
Top work winners and top work fellow non-winners. And top work again Mr Watson…the excitement and participation you’ve achieved through this blog in just a few months is remarkable. To wonder what might take place over the course of the next ten years is astounding.
Posted by Corey on April 26, 2010
Just thought I’d leave a footnote to my story. One of the main reasons that we did what we did was down to the couple who were going to come with us to the gig that night but didn’t. We met them in a bar and they invited us to stay with them because the lad (John) had been to Ireland on vacation and had really appreciated it when some locals took him in to help with traveling costs…so out of utter kindness they did the same to us. If they had taken us up on the tickets and not had a huge argument, I/we would never have met two of the greatest people you could ever have the pleasure of meeting.
They fed us, watered us, let us crash on their sofa, let us get a cab with them to the UN building where the girl (Liz) worked the next morning so we didn’t have to spend any money at all. The sad thing is I wouldn’t know them if they walked past me in the street….bloody memory!!.
To sum up, people are great (not all, there have been some shockers Piers Morgan, David Ellerey, Vinnie Jones and Hitler to name a few) but generally I’d like to believe people are great and if you have the chance to help someone, do it……..what can you lose?.
Posted by lisa brunders on April 26, 2010
Well done to everyone, not just the eleven winners, but all the entrants, the standard was so high, I didn’t envy Mark and Francesca the job of judging.
I love this blog, it’s uplifting, and very entertaining, the blog and the comments.
By the way Dawn, you’re not the oldest!
Posted by Tom Beasley on April 26, 2010
OH MY FUCKING GOD! I FUCKING LOVE THIS BLOG!
Whilst the blueness clears from the air, I would like to extend my massive thanks to Mark and also Francesca (who is more than welcome to enquire further as to my writing work if she so wishes) for choosing me to win one of the books.
Honestly, scrolling down to see my name there was one of the most surprising moments I have ever experienced, including when I was sat in the front row of a Dara O’Briain gig last night and he didn’t pick up on my weight for the whole evening. (Incidentally, the show was absolutely incredible and Dara was on excellent form.)
But what I’m doing here is rambling away when really all I want to say is thank you very very much and, as annoying teenage Americans would say, Oh em geeeeeeee!
Posted by Debbie C on April 26, 2010
Well done to all the winners! All the entries were so so good. And I’m still very proud to have written an 11-word story, even if it didn’t win!
Posted by Ed Holroyd on April 26, 2010
Congratulations to the winners! Really enjoyed reading everyone’s entries. I started out reading the results with added Marco Pierre White-esque pauses, but I couldn’t stand the tension and my girlfriend started laughing at my tea towel bandana.
Posted by LisaD on April 26, 2010
My phone’s ability to guess what I am going to say however, is one of the worst things about my day. “Birghtest?” Why would it guess a word that doesn’t exist?
Brightest is, of course, what I meant to say.
Posted by LisaD on April 26, 2010
Well done everyone, winners and…not winners alike! When the comments first started going up I thought how glad I was not to have to pick a few out of so many brilliant entries. This blog has become one of the birghtest spots in my day.
Posted by Anji on April 26, 2010
Bloody well done everyone! And a little bit more to those who won!
After a manic day at work, I realise now I kept wondering who had won! So thank you Mark for helping me to remember that there is life after work!
I shall get the bloody book (just one not 11 mind) and shall get Mark to sign it when I see him next year! As long as I remember to move the tickets away from the toaster! And not put them in a ‘safe place’.
Well done peeps! x
Posted by Someone on April 26, 2010
It’s taken a few hours to recover from the distress of not winning a book – enough at least to work the keyboard – although entirely my own fault for getting hopes up in the first place like the loser that I always am. But now I am just very jealous and happy for those that won of course. Well done y’all! And I’ve decided that It’s nae bother coz I’ll hopefully still manage to acquire the book and bother you (Mark, that is), again hopefully, at the London launch m’bob and get a scribble :]. Or even some legible letters that make up your name..
Saying that though, I’m so stupidly shy I’ll probably just lurk nearby and hope somehow it’ll miraculously get signed without human interference, and then regret not getting to say hello… as may have happened with a few other comedy gooduns who’ve just ended up thinking i’m weird and rude. ANYwho, rambling… again.
You are still a very nice man. And everyone else is very nice, clever peoples. Hello :]
Posted by Helen on April 26, 2010
It would be a lie to say I am not a bit jealous, especially as I seem to be the least successful girl with Helen in or as her name. However, I must say I think that all the winners are extremely deserving and did I much better job at it than me – Congratulations! I love this blog Mark, I really do.
Posted by Magnificent Josh on April 26, 2010
Congratulations all you more-talented-than-me bastards. Very well deserved, my life is improved by each and every one of you.
Posted by amycool on April 26, 2010
I woke up feeling very stressed and somewhat melancholy this morning. Even looking at art deco furniture on the internet for an hour didn’t quite bring my mood up to normal levels. But then I got a call from my Mum (known as Mummy Dawn to at least 4 people – just an embarrassing fact to get my Mum back for her embarrassing tweets
) telling me she had won a book! I think I may actually be more excited than if I had won.
Besides, by virtue of the fact that I advertised Mark’s blog to her, and geographically I will be in close proximity to said book, I’ve pretty much won by proxy.
Now I just need to teach her how to write reviews…
Posted by Emmy on April 26, 2010
Congratulations everyone! You are all very deserving and, quite frankly, awesome. Hugs to all of you!
Posted by Natalie-Helen on April 26, 2010
This has made my day, week, month and year! The graduation ceremony in July will not top this feeling! Thankyou so much!
I really love this blog Mark and live in expectation of the next installment ( even worrying slightly when I check the site late at night and there’s nothing there!)
Thankyou sooo much, I’m so pleased! And Congrauwelldones to everyone who joined in and the other winners too!
Posted by Irwin on April 26, 2010
Disappointed not to win really, although it was a bit of a lackluster effort to be totally honest.
Ah well, congratulations to the winners. At least I still have my 80p chicken kievs. No one can take that away from me…
Posted by Kate on April 26, 2010
Congratulations to the eleven winners!
Posted by Linsey on April 26, 2010
Laura, don’t be too hard on yourself! I’ve just looked back on the blog and there are two entries from Lauras, the one about inappropriate crushes is really funny and I completely empathise with, and the other about a charity donation was a wonderful and touching idea. Whichever it was, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself!
I also have a new TYSIC, to make at least one person smile/do one selfless act a day, I hope this contributed towards it!
And I’ve commented on this blog twice now. I’m a spammer. Sorry
Posted by Laura on April 26, 2010
Congratulations, winners! Well and truly deserved by each of you. My unimaginative/untalented self is very jealous though!
What a relief, though – my 30 year track record of never winning a single competition is still intact. Phew.
Note to self: must add ‘Be less competitive’ to my TYSIC…
Posted by Dawn on April 26, 2010
OH MY GOD! I actually am one of the eleven winners of the Book Competiton! I’m in complete shock because I’m not the kind of person who wins anything so this is a fantastic surprise. I’ve had a bit of a bad time recently (written warning from work for being off with high blood pressure!) so I really look forward to reading Mark’s Blogs and everyones comments. Everyone seems so lovely and friendly on here and even though I’m probably the oldest I still feel accepted.
Well Done to the other winners and everyone else who entered!
Right I’ll calm down now, just need to say Mark, ThankYou So Much
Posted by Laurs on April 26, 2010
Congratulations to all the winners! Made up for you (and a little bit jealous!) but mainly just really really excited for all the winners!
Posted by Carl on April 26, 2010
Wahey! Congrats guys, Im expecting 11, 11-word long reviews in several weeks time! xxxxxxxxxxx <—– One for each of you.
Posted by Alex on April 26, 2010
Mark, I actually love you. Like, really.
Posted by Suz on April 26, 2010
Great. Now I have ‘Congratulations’ by Cliff Richard in my head. Anyway, well done all you winners! Much deserved.
Dawn’s comments have made me smile too, so I’m glad she won a book. Anyway, being soft is generally a good thing, since it means you’re not a bastard. (Unless, I don’t know, someone runs up to you in the street and begs to use your liver in an art installation. Hold firm and just say no.)
Posted by James Walker on April 26, 2010
Congratulations to all of the winners; which is all of us, but really..
Zoe, get that T-shirt ready!
Again, Congrats everyone.
Posted by Corey on April 26, 2010
Wow, thank you so much and congratulations to the other winners. As others have said before me, the quality was awesome from what are/is a suberb collection of people!.
Winning this is another great ‘consequence’ of May 1st 2000, long may they keep coming!.
Thanks again
Posted by Hannah on April 26, 2010
Congrats to the winners!
Zoe we need photos of your T’shirt wearing on the forum!
Posted by Linsey on April 26, 2010
Well done to all the winners! They were all incredibly worthy and I enjoyed going back and reading all of their entries, everybody was fantastic! These competitions are great, it’s honestly kept me excited all day throughout a sunny day stuck in lessons
Posted by Jon on April 26, 2010
Eleven words to say thank you. Damn, I only needed six.
Posted by HelenLS on April 26, 2010
THANK YOU! Very surprised and very happy. Can’t wait to read it!
Posted by Maddie on April 26, 2010
Congratulations to the winners!
And well done to everyone else too, all of the posts were genius
Posted by @BexQuillerdrive on April 26, 2010
Congratulations to everyone. ahh love this blog
Oh and have discovered my two cats keep trying to attack the “Mark” Bunny when the innocent smoothie add comes on, I’ve tried explaining it to them, but so far they are determined to break the T.V.
Posted by david on April 26, 2010
thank you mark and francesca. well done to the other ten.
i’m in the library now revising for an exam in the morning and daydreaming about the fringe, i’d just snapped myself out of it with a “right, i’ll just have a quick surf and then it’s work work work.”
now i’m excited all over again. thanks. thanks a lot. [sigh]
Posted by Aislinn on April 26, 2010
This is really bloody nice!
I started scrolling down with baited breath in the vain hope I might have possibly been one of the eleven, but when I checked all the names and realised I wasn’t on there (admittedly fairly understandably) I felt a tiny weeny bit upset. But then I read the rest of the blog, and the reasons why each person had won, and I think it’s made me happier than I was before the winners were announced.
Well done, everybody!
Posted by Zoe Fell on April 26, 2010
Kind Sir.
You have well and truly called my bluff there. The best kind of bluff calling, but still. BALLS.
I’m still looking to you to come up with what’s going on the front and back of the T-Shirt by the way.
I will also take this chance to say “THANK YOU SO MUCH!” for choosing me as a winner. I cannot wait to read Eleven. And I’m also rather looking forward to becoming a walking bilboard at the Fringe too.
=D
xoxo
Posted by Sam on April 26, 2010
Congratulations people. And I don’t envy you Mr Watson, I read the comments and I wouldn’t be able to pick out winners.
Clever work putting an editor on the case, very clever.
And I think I will definently have to come up to Edinburgh during the book launch. And to see Zoe’s T-shirt of course.
Posted by Marie on April 26, 2010
Congratulations to all the winners!