Pierre pressure
By the time you read this I will have appeared on Marco Pierre White’s show Kitchen Burnout, cooking appallingly badly, getting too hot, fumbling pots and pans like someone who has never been in a kitchen before, and essentially appearing to be a likeable dickhead. None of this is pessimism – it’s already occurred. In my defence, I did go on the show with the aim of improving my culinary skills, and they did improve. They were just rather poor to begin with.
Anyway. It gives me the chance to do the second in my series where I talk about what a famous person I’ve recently met is ‘really like’. I began this series – the name of which I already can’t remember – last week with Paxman. Now it’s the turn of celebrity chef Marco Pierre White. I accept that if you don’t know who he is, this will not be the greatest blog ever. But I guess you could then watch the show on iPlayer and it would be a bit like having a director’s commentary.
So. White facts:
-Ladies’ man. Has the look in his eyes of someone who has had sex with loads and loads of women. Some of them in kitchens, in moments of wild passion after making a really good crab pate or something. Now ageing, but still has a certain magnetism.
-Has a great big dog.
-Always holding knives, lovingly, just as he does on TV. Almost not capable of not having a massive chopping knife in his hand.
-Talks very slowly and is fond of saying everything as if it is a truth for all the ages, e.g. (with intense stare) ‘Don’t forget one thing. People. Are. In. A. Restaurant. To. Eat.’
-Genuinely pleasant to people who can’t cook, like me. Never loses his temper when cooking – prides himself on this point. ‘Losing your cool is something lazy or under-achieving people do,’ he said. All these points are very much in his favour.
-Not one of these people who wank endlessly on about food. Surprisingly unpretentious in that regard. Quite happy just having a Waitrose sandwich for lunch, or tearing off a bit of beef that’s cooking in a pan and saying ‘try that. It’s lovely.’
-Is constantly plunging his hands into boiling hot pans to inspect food. I have never seen hands so insensitive to appalling pain.
-Tall. Like Paxman.
Sorry this is so brief, but it may embellish your enjoyment of the show.
These are slightly lean times for readers of my blog, I realise. But hey, stick with me. We’ve had some exciting times. And then there are bits like this where I’m just so busy I could almost cry, and the blog is more just a few facts about a chef. So it’s ups and downs. But I’ll be back. We’re doing this for ten years remember.
Posted by Knox on May 12, 2011
Is Marco Pierre White the one in the random advert – for washing up liquid or betchup or balsamic vinegar? Something in a bottle? And he cooks for a load of women, or something..? (I promise, I have not made this advert up, I just have a very bad memory when it comes to certain ads, and this is unfortunately one of them).
Posted by Irwin on April 25, 2010
Marie— I was on the edge of my seat when old Marco was forcing Mark to eat off the knife. I really did think he was just going to drive the knife right through!
He looks like the sort of guy who, if he was actually going to kill you, would drag it out like one of his sentences… ”I’m go…ing… to kill you……..Mark but… I’m not… going to… kill you now. There will… be…no…warning when… I unleash my vengeance… upon…you…”
Posted by Natalie on April 25, 2010
I have been a follower of yours and a reader of this blog for a while, so I watched you on kitchen burnout and you came across as immensely likeable. I really felt for you on many occasions and I think I would have been in the same in that situation.
Posted by Anna on April 24, 2010
Hmm, he may come across as a ladies man in the flesh, but on TV he leaves me cold. Think it’s something to do with that silly scarf he wears on his head, it was annoying me all the way through.
You came across really well, there’s no way I could have cooked under all that pressure, I’d have started crying at some point, I think… I felt bad that I was sitting watching it while eating instant noodles while you were cooking fantastic food (In my defence, we moved house yesterday and all my kitchen equipment was in boxes)
Posted by Ben Draper on April 24, 2010
You lost the competition but there is the caveat that the winner wasn’t a celebrity but an ex-wife.
You were very brave to try the kidney but you did eat the green stuff like a goat.
Posted by Marie on April 24, 2010
Have to agree with Irwin. The way he was talking about the ‘price for being the worst’, I thought it would be something disastrous. Not simply being the last to pick your ingredients.
And wow, Frankie Dettori is tiny! I know, jockey and all, but still.
Posted by Carey on April 24, 2010
I don’t think I will ever watch kitchen burnout again as it was a dreadful format and Marco kinda gets on my nerves with his long pauses, only Alan Rickman is allowed pauses that long. However, you were very amusing and avacado’s are impossible in every way! I think it worked as great exposure for you.
Posted by Laurs on April 24, 2010
Watched Burnout this morning on catch up, I think Marco is a bit of a twit, I didn’t like the way he seemed to be trying to pysch people out with his awkward pauses in the middle of sentences… I won’t be watching him again!
But you came across really well Mark, I was really impressed with the way that you dealt with all the pressure of a working kitchen, with an arrogant smug bint (Elen, the WAG person. I really hope that she was nicer in real life than she came across on the show) being smarmy.
But anywho, I don’t want to come across as a bitch, overall, as I said, I thought you did really well given all the circumstances. x
Posted by Gareth on April 24, 2010
For those curious about the missing blog post, it does appear if you look at the RSS feed – just look for the orange and white logo which will be somewhere on your browser and click on it.
Posted by EllieCat on April 24, 2010
I don’t think I can watch anything with Marco Pierre White in again. Those odd pauses … he does….every few words….really freak me….out. Its as if some men in a van outside are feeding him his lines through an earpiece.
Posted by Dawn on April 24, 2010
After watching the programme I came to the following conclusions:
1. Marco really liked you and had lots of respect for you.
2. It wasn’t very fair as you had to cook with the worst ingredients.
3. You are very attractive in a Louis Theroux kind of way.
4. You are definately a much better cook than I am.
5. You should be very proud of your performance which will gain you lots of more followers on Twitter and on here, the only down side being that it will be even MORE impossible to win any of your competitions!
Posted by lisa brunders on April 24, 2010
I meant hope that DOESN’T threaten my lifer status!
Posted by lisa brunders on April 24, 2010
I guess you word-count the blog, but I hadn’t noticed it was short til you said.
Weirdly I still can’t see 22nd’s blog, but as you haven’t mentioned missing one, I’m assuming you haven’t and that it’s just that I can’t see it.
Hope that threaten my lifer status.
I thought you came over very well on Marcus’s Burnout, not a program I usually watch. You made an excelllent effort for someone who doesn’t cook!
Posted by Suz on April 24, 2010
I feared for your safety when Marco made you eat kidney from that giant knife, but he does seem quite nice. I watched his series on finding the best British dishes and he was wonderfully eccentric, clambering after donkeys and saying things like “do you want to share spoons with me, Mr Ishii?” or “I love pigs!” Okay, that last one wasn’t so odd. I happen to like pigs myself.
Anyway, congratulations! I’d completely fall to pieces in those circumstances.
Posted by Lynsey on April 23, 2010
I watched Kitchen Burnout earlier and thought you did really well. And you have a new fan – in the shape of my mum. She was supporting you throughout the programme (as I was). It was quite funny hearing her give you words of encouragement whenever you were on screen.
Posted by Irwin on April 23, 2010
Bloody hell, I genuinely believed the ‘price for bieng the worst’ was going to be death. Probably as some sort of pre-dining entertainment at the restaurant.
Hey Carl, I’m also a Swindon fan. I’ve never come across anyone else who’s willingly given out that information about themself…
Posted by Kate on April 23, 2010
You missed yesterdays blog?! Or is it just my computer…
Posted by Someone on April 23, 2010
I only knew about Marco ‘coz of my love of Ade Edmondson, so I watched that Hell’s Kitchen series with him in which was brilliant, and fell a bit in love with Marco too. He’s pretty funny in a weird way. There’s a blooper if anyone wants to see (at 5.35 mins in):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GN4jK75bEA
… ah I love the way Marco reacts.
And the way he offends people without really meaning to and then just watches them calmly as they rant and rave. Really weird, but really kinda draws you in, and then takes you unawares when he goes and does something kooky like talk to his creations or does a spot of juggling. Anyway, I’m going to reacquaint myself with the oddun now and watch you’z on i-player. :]
Posted by Iona on April 23, 2010
You thoroughly entertained my mother and I for an hour of kitchen mayhem. You came across as a genuine, funny, nice guy though not a good cook i’m sorry to say.
Don’t worry about being busy. I’m so stressed that I keep getting ulcers (not pleasant) even though i’ve got nothing that important to stress about (how important are AS levels in the grand scheme of things really?)
Posted by Tricia Owen on April 23, 2010
I`m watching Marco`s Kitchen. I have never heard of Mark Watson but I`m totally in love with him! He`s gentle and hilarious!
Love you Mark and hope you win as you`re on the longest learning curve!
Tricia xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by Carl on April 23, 2010
As a Swindon fan, I’ve always thought you were a dickhead.
Of course, I jest. You are a lovely bloke and I’m sure everyone here will back me up.
Posted by Rachael on April 23, 2010
It’s weird and unnerving the way he always has a knife in his hand, not one of my favourite tv chefs. I like James Tanner, probably because he always seems to be cooking fish and that is pretty much my diet.
Posted by Andre Boolox on April 23, 2010
If your incompetence was planned – then you are a Comedy genius (really)
If it wasn’t — you truly are useless fuck
Posted by Misha on April 23, 2010
Oh I also meant to say, my Dad does that thing with pots and pans, he frequently sticks his finger into things like veg to see if its cooked. He claims his hands are made of asbestos.
Posted by Shell on April 23, 2010
I can sympathise with the ‘so busy you want to cry thing’ (I have my times like that) so don’t let it make you ill please and pace yourself a bit if at all possible. This blog needn’t be long all the time – it’s nice that it is simply reliably here each day so let it be one of the things you relax a bit.
Always nice to get the inside track. Although you were rather too sparing on the dog information but like Laura I find it a redeeming feature that Marco has a canine, although you didn’t even say if he was nice to it.
I’ll look in on the show to see you but being veggie most cooking shows are very unappetising to me and I don’t need further confirmation that you are likeable.
Posted by Misha on April 23, 2010
I haven’t actually watched it yet, but I look forward to it.
Marco seems like my boss, nice but scary.
The difference is my boss is like a straight english Sandi Toksvig. Beyond that the resemblance is terrifying.
Posted by Maddie on April 23, 2010
Dawn, I dont fancy him either, but if you google him there is a picture that verifies your imagination
Mark, A nice cup of tea and a sit down is in order. Reading your blog is always highlight of my day though, no matter what it’s about, so thankyou
Posted by Laura on April 23, 2010
I always thought he might be a bit of a twat, what with his association with Ramsey, but he seemed quite nice on the show last week. Also good to know he has a massive dog – it immediately puts someone up in my estimation.
Am I the only person who gets a bit uncomfortable watching those programmes in case someone you have a soft spot for is a bit shit? It must be added that I am a quite sensitive soul so it might just be me!
Posted by Cathy on April 23, 2010
I know exactly what you mean about the “so busy I could almost cry” – not that I’m planning anything as exciting as going on TV or helping in the Third World or book publishing… just A-Levels, school clubs to run, mentoring younger students, quadruple-booking myself for lunchtime meetings with teachers to discuss all the homework I’m behind on…
At least all the busy-ness will be worth it in the end! Think of all the people you’re helping, making people laugh and making the world substantially better and all that. Just take it easy and don’t burn yourself out – you don’t need to write a 10,000-word literary gem here every day!
And thanks, I guess. It’s reassuring in a weird way to know that even super-successful people can get stressed out by a work overload!!
Posted by Irwin on April 23, 2010
Your Tweet aout Kitchen Burnout inspired me to cook a proper meal for the first time… probably this year. Up until now I’ve been living on a steady diet of super noodles, toasted cheese sandwiches and assorted biscuits.
Had a rather splendid steak, which surprsingly was cooked to perfection. Last time I was somewhat over eager to eat, and found that I hadn’t quite crossed the line between rare steak and raw meat…
Looking forward to watching the show later…
Posted by Emmy on April 23, 2010
Aww Mark, you are incredibly likeable, but you could never be a dickhead.
I now have a very scary image of Marco P. White having sex in crab pate whilst fondling knives. Which sounds like the next movie by Lars von Trier.
Hang in there, don’t deplete your batteries. And as we say in my slightly odd family, don’t let the turkeys get you down. They are flying low tonight.
Posted by Chris Stead on April 23, 2010
Oh weel it said 0 when I got here.
Goddarn!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Chris Stead on April 23, 2010
First comment – makes me kinda proud!
I don’t think the programme is on yet but then I’m watching the snooker. I’ll flip over to ITV. – nope that looks like Corrie.
Posted by Dawn on April 23, 2010
Cheers for the inside info on Marco! I don’t fancy him but I can imagine he was very hot when he was younger. He definately has a certain charisma about him that other Tele Chefs don’t have.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to the programme especially as you say you can’t cook cos no one can be as hopeless as me!
Don’t worry about being too busy to Blog cos it’s always worth waiting for, especially after a hard day on the shop floor of Sainsbury’s!