Mark Watson the Comedian

Give me a bloody book! – competition

April 19, 2010 | 152 comments

First of all, a mistake from yesterday’s blog to correct (thank you to Laura for pointing it out). The Union Chapel gig is on May 8th, not the 6th as I claimed. May 6th is the General Election of the Goverment of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Easy to mix these things up. Also, while we’re on the subject of London gigs, I am definitely doing a preview show at Foolhardy Comedy, in Hammersmith, on May 30. I’ll be doing my whole Fringe show, in a not-quite-there-yet state. So you can add that to the list, if you’re making a list. Not sure why you would be.

Also, there has been some talk about whether or not I missed a blog day on Saturday, for the first time in history (history having begun in mid-February when I started this). Some people couldn’t find a blog and, understandably, freaked out and thought their lives were over. But there was one up there: I wrote it in the cab on the way back from meeting Paxman. Somehow, it didn’t appear properly on the list of entries until the next day. So it’s all OK, but we can only hope nothing so harrowing happens again in the just-under-ten-years this blog has left to run.

And now onto today, which, once again, brings a competition. Today, you get the chance to win one of the first copies of my novel, Eleven. It comes out in August and you can buy it here: (this is where I would actually post a link to its Amazon page, but I’m typing one-fingered as it is, so maybe someone can do it for me in the Comments?) Anyway, the first copies will be printed some time before that, and five lucky readers of this blog will win the first five.

This is a competition with a string attached, however: if you win one of the books, and you like it, I would be massively obliged if you would write a review on Amazon and use whatever other means you have to publicise your enthusiasm: Twitter, Facebook, sneaking it into the News At Ten which you read every night on BBC1 (I realise not all of these will be applicable to everyone). So essentially in this competition you’re bidding to win the chance to help me avoid failure in my literary career. But hey, you would get a book before almost anyone else in the world. That’s got to be worth something, hasn’t it?

Right, so here we go. (And in case you think I keep starting competitions and not finishing them, there’ll be an exciting update on the iPod challenge tomorrow, and later in the week the winners of the ‘emergency blogger’ and ‘fixing it’ contests will be unveiled).

To win a copy of the book, then, you can do one of several things, like in exams. Submit a Comment, or send me a tweet if you want to enter anonymously – the usual procedure. Here they are:

-Tell a story in eleven words or fewer. This was inspired by a ‘very short story’ competition I saw last week. But don’t nick stories from there, obviously. I might get the editor of my novel to judge the best ones.

-OR: The novel is about how every small action in your life triggers a lot of consequences. Briefly describe how something you once did ended up having an unexpected effect on someone else. It can be anything at all. This does NOT have to be eleven words. It can be any length, funny or sad or anything.

-OR: There are eleven people in a football team. Pick a ‘team’ of your favourite things in any category. E.g. Best Fruits. Or My Biggest Regrets. Or The Worst People In the World. You don’t need to know anything about football to do this.

-OR: Do some sort of illustration around the theme of the number 11. It can be in any format as long as you post a link to it as your comment.

-OR: Just prove that you would be an ace person to give a copy of the book to – e.g. show that you are an influential book critic, or really poor and won’t be able to buy it, or are a kleptomaniac and will otherwise steal it and get into trouble, or incredibly nice.

I’ll pick five winners at the end of the week and the publishers will send them copies (in each one I’ll write a little personalised note, as well).

One more thing to mention on this subject: I’m planning to do a special kind of book launch, where I lead an audience a merry dance around Edinburgh a bit like in the 24 hour shows, some time during the Fringe. It’ll be free. Who’s up for that? It would be appropriate to do it on the 11th. Who’s around then? Hmm? I may also do one in London in September. And maybe even Melbourne in September. Who’s up for those? HMM????

Right, I hope the rules are all clear. Let’s play Give Me A Bloody Book!

Mark x

152 comments

Posted by Knox on May 10, 2011

i think i am a little late to this particular party.
Posted by frenky on May 8, 2011

SJAVYf http://gdjI3b7VaWpU1m0dGpvjRrcu9Fk.com
Posted by Book giveaways on April 29, 2010

[...] Mark Watson Giveaway [...]
Posted by Amanda on April 25, 2010

11 word story: Thanks for writing, you inspire me from across the pond.
Posted by Corey on April 24, 2010

Small bit of admin to my entry: Without doing what we did that day in New York, I would never have:
1) Met my musical hero Noel Gallagher in TGI Fridays in New York the next year.
2) Seen the New York Yankees come back from 12-0 to win 12-13 in something called Baseball?
3) Gone to a ‘Father Of The Bride’ style wedding in New York state
4) Been the ‘butt’ of every comedians joke at a fund raising event at the Comic Strip live just for being English
5) Had an excuse to visit lots and lots of cities in America I may never have gone to.
Posted by Ben Draper on April 24, 2010

Top 11 words and clauses I have collected from songs or tv or films or life or something and written down for no reason other than I like them or maybe to combine them some way in the future to create something but would that sort of ruin it? Are they something in themselves?

(In no particular order)

1) At long last it’s crashed (Caring is Creepy – The Shins)

2) A tea cup in a storm (I think I made it up myself and wrote it down)

3) Kopanang (a Thai island)

4) No sympathy for the devil (Chapter title in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

4) We are the Mods (Chant first heard by me in Peep Show)

5) e^(i*pi)=-1 (Eulers identity, Maths (found in lecture notes, not my notebook like the rest))

6) All of which makes me anxious, at times unbearably so (Double Bass – Gorillaz)

7) To great disappointment by locals and tourists alike, Petros was hit by a car (Wikipedia entry for Petros the Pelican, mascot for Mykonos)

8 ) The Hundred Acre Wood (Winnie the Pooh – A. A. Milne)

9) My memory is playing tricks on me (Scrawled on a t-shirt)

10) Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril (Preface to A Picture Of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde)

11) No life at all in the house of dolls (No love lost – Joy Division)
Posted by Robert on April 23, 2010

Here’s as far as I’ve got:
http://onceinamoon.bandcamp.com/album/eleven?permalink
Four songs inspired by the number eleven, although only one of them with lyrics, plus one small painting.
Instead of driving myself insane writing the other seven, I’ll go and look for a new job, which will help the other part of my TYSIC.
Posted by Sarah on April 22, 2010

I hope I’m not too late…

I’d just like to say that I would REALLY like a copy of your book. REALLY. And if you’re kind enough to give me one, I will be kind enough to give it a very good review. That is, assuming it’s a good book, and I do assume that because I’m optimistic! And because I like your sense of humour.

*crosses fingers*
Posted by @BexQuillerdrive on April 22, 2010

once there was a procrastinator who never took notice of deadlines.
Posted by Hannah on April 22, 2010

Grand Final Netball. I was 12 at the time. I intercept a ball, pass it out and receive it right under the post. Score the goal. Hooter sounds. We won by 1 goal. I just won us the game. Two of my now close friends were in the other team. They were undefeated the entire season. My goal cost them the premiership. Consequence for them: I still claim ultimate victory when they feel they’ve beaten me.
Posted by hornseygirl on April 22, 2010

Once upon a time there was a clumsy girl. She fell.
Posted by Suzanne on April 22, 2010

Well Mark – I got myself to the appropriate blog at about 20 mins to deadline so, without reading the rules or other entries which usually puts me off completely so I don’t enter at all, I’ve zapped off a couple of “things” and am now zapping this explanation.

As you know, I’ve bought and you’ve signed each of your other books so I’d really like to keep up the tradition. The person who is part way through your first book, with the second waiting in the wings, is in for a treat and much entertainment …

I love reading your blog and the Twitters … better than the Archers … which, incidentally, I don’t follow but DO know about …

Keep on trucking …

PS This is not ANOTHER entry and it’s now after midnight anyway …
Posted by HelenLS on April 21, 2010

Eee I’m cutting this fine, I’m not particularly artistic but I drew something anyway. http://twitpic.com/1hdmco It’s the number 11 with 1111111111111111111111 (there are eleven elevens there) in binary. There are 176 zeros and ones which, if you divide it by 16, you get 11. Also, there are 88 zeros and ones in each big 1, which, if you divide that by 8, you get 11. I hope that makes sense, I’m trying to do this pretty quickly as by my clock on the computer, it’s now 11.57!
Posted by Suzanne on April 21, 2010

The clock’s ticking … time’s running out! Entry submitted … fingers firmly crossed!
Posted by Suzanne on April 21, 2010

Hi Mark, give me a bloody book because I deserve it!
Posted by Zoe Fell on April 21, 2010

Oooh. I’m cutting this stupidly fine. My only excuse is that I didn’t have a decent enough ’11′ based story to tell. So let’s see how many of the categories I can do before I miss the deadline.

11 (Or less) WORD STORY:

As he turned away, her heart shattered into a million pieces.

OR

Honestly, I thought it was chocolate.

MY TOP 11 SANDWICH FILLINGS:

1. Bacon Lettuce and Tomato
2. Tuna and Cucumber
3. Tomato, Mozzarella and Pesto
4. Salt Beef and English Mustard
5. Ham and French Mustard
6. Ham and Tomato
7. Salt and Vinegar French Fries
8. Ham and Quaver
9. Bacon and Egg
10. Lamb and Mint Sauce
11. Salad Cream

WHY SHOULD I GET THE BLOODY BOOK?

Gosh, thanks for asking Mark! Well, I love to read and I’m part-way through ‘Bullet Points’ at the moment. ‘A Lighthearted Look At Murder’ is next to me right now, on my bedside table, just itching to be read. I really love your writing style and you approach things from a really interesting angle. I’m sure that ‘Eleven’ will follow suit.

This year, I’m going to the Edinburgh Fringe for 11, yes ELEVEN days. And I’m willing, if you give me a bloody book to get a T-Shirt printed up that I will wear for the entirety of the festival promoting your book. You Mark, may choose the wording on the front and back of the T-Shirt. And there will obviously be photographic/video proof of the promoting. So that’ll be Eleven days promoting ‘Eleven’ at the Edinburgh Festival. Maybe I’ll even make up a little flag to stick on Arthur’s Seat (a la Moon Landings), but that’ll depend on how nice I’m feeling. I’ll probably be feeling lovely so there may be some mental promotion on my part.

Other than Edinburgh Eleven based shenanigans, there will be lots of promotion on Twitter, Facebook, Amazon and any other Social Networking Site I can get my contact details onto.

Regardless of whether I do get a book or not (I’m remaining totally optimistic. It’s a horrid quality of mine. I’m too happy. All the time.), I can’t wait to read ‘Eleven’ and look forward to reading the reviews of the five winners in due course.
Posted by Tomthemoderatesized on April 21, 2010

11 things that you should try to avoid doing (admitedly these are mainly fairly minor things and there are many far worse things, this is really more for humour rather then to make a serious point)

1) eat an entire 12 pack of lidl pork pies (especially in the pouring rain outside somerfields)
2) sneeze, fart and have a nose bleed simultaneously (admitedly rather disgusting)
3) having a cat and a hamster at the same time…
4) have a political debate in the middle of a major brand supermarket
5) make a you tube movie (unless it was rather good then do it admitedly conflicting advice)
6) watch the horne and cordon sketch show (however gavin and stacey is very good)
7) talk for a period of 20 minutes (or more) on the subject of light bulb efficiency (ibfact avoid the topic completely) test the theory a watched pot never boils
9) play a game of monopoly to the very end
10) spill coffee on someone on the train and then sit with them
11) think of 11 things to avoid doing in an hour

also to the person who mention the game, damn you
Posted by Natalie-Helen on April 21, 2010

I KNOW I’M CUTTING THIS FINE BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONSIDER IT!!!

http://teaandtysic.tumblr.com/

They explanations are there too but use your head a little. ^_^
This competition really triggered my imagination and I’ve really enjoyed picking up my paintbrushes again!
xxx
Posted by Tom Beasley on April 21, 2010

The examples in paragraph 1 of my previous comment should read “Eleven” instead of “Ten”. This is what happens when I write at speed.
Posted by Tom Beasley on April 21, 2010

Right then. This is far too late a comment for me to have time to write anything insightful or substantial, so I am going to make you feel sorry for me and massage your ego until you give me the book, or just skip past me onto the next person’s list of “Ten Reasons Why Peter Kay Should Write Some New Fucking Material” and “Ten Reasons Why Tim Minchin Is Inappropriate For Your Mother To Listen To”.

Basically, I feel that I am lacking in Watson-ness in my life. I have none of your books because a poor fifteen year old cannot afford to buy books unless they are part of Waterstones’ 3 for 2 offers. Unfortunately, Waterstones don’t seem to value your books enough to reduce them in price and thus my library remains Watson-free.

I have never seen you live and have only seen your stuff based on ten minute segments on stand-up TV shows, albeit very good segments. I feel I need some more of your genius (*massages*) in order to make my life (or at least the part of it that likes vaguely comedic literature) more exciting.

Now for some major ego massaging, but most of it is completely true. You are an inspiration to me. I have always loved both stand-up comedy and writing, so someone who manages to do both to a high standard gets my appreciation instantly. If I could be a reasonably successful stand-up and also publish books regularly, I would be in some kind of career heaven. It is exactly my kind of thing. Unfortunately, I don’t really have enough of a talent in stand-up or writing to get (near) celebrity status out of either of them.

Final point. I admire the hell out of you for committing to a ten year blog and trying to do it daily. I am not even close to that level of discipline.

So yeah, please can I have a book from the nice Mr Watson man from the telly?
Posted by perian on April 21, 2010

11 Canadian Authors Who Should Be Better Known Around the World:

1. Brian Francis. Anyone who can write a book entitled Fruit: A Novel About a Boy and His Nipples should be lauded worldwide, right?

2. Todd Babiak. His second novel, The Garneau Block, was serialized in the Edmonton Journal as it was written. All of his novels really get to the heart of what it means to be a normal everyday Canadian.

3. Alan Bradley. An 80 year old man writing from the POV of an 11 year old girl. And doing an excellent job.

4. Gordon Korman. Got his first book published at the age of 12 and hasn’t stopped since. Really fun kids books — excels at the relationships between boys.

5. Kit Pearson. Another kids author, one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. She has to go on this list because when I was 12 she told me all about being an author and showed me where she wrote (and bought me pizza.) If I had ever decided to be an author instead of selling books, she would have been my inspiration.

6. Douglas Coupland. Author of some of the strangest books I have ever read, including one where he himself was one of the characters.

7. Will Ferguson. The funniest and nicest guy ever. Got my attention when he wrote Why I Hate Canadians and I haven’t stopped reading him yet. I highly recommend any of his non-fiction to anyone who will listen.

8. Stuart McLean. The ultimate storyteller. With the most Canadian sense of humour.

9. Susanna Kearsley. The new Mary Stewart.

10. Robert Munsch. The Paper Bag Princess is still my favourite picture book.

11. Kenneth Oppel. His best known books are from the POV of a bat. How many people can say that?

Have you heard if anyone has Canadian rights for Eleven? Because I would love to bring it in to my store and handsell it.

Here’s a quick piece of advice for you, Mark. Talk to booksellers any chance you get. The people actually on the floor selling the books, whether at independent or chain stores. Tell them about your book and be your normal charming self. If they like you, they’ll probably read your book, and even if they don’t read it there’s a good chance they’ll still tell people about it.

And if a bookseller likes a book, they will sell a hell of a lot of them. You wouldn’t believe the number of people who come looking for recommendations.
Posted by J Gentle on April 21, 2010

My 11 word ‘story’ :

He wanted to read Eleven, but hadn’t read the previous ten…
Posted by Robert on April 21, 2010

Dangnamit. I thought I had until the end of the week. I was planning on spending Friday writing the bulk of them. Ah well, here’s as far as I got. I’ll put up the others that I’d written once I’ve recorded them.

1 in 121,439,531,096,594,251,776 by Once in a Moon
Posted by Anna on April 21, 2010

I probably shouldn’t enter this, what with me having already won the iPod, but, what the heck, I’ll have a go anyway. I’m just joining in for the fun of it, rather than any expectation of a prize.
I’m going to tell you the story of how me picking up a cassette from my bedroom floor in 1998 led to the birth of a now one year old child. The tape in question was Gold Against The Soul by the Manics, who, at the time, were one of my favourite bands, though I wasn’t at obsessional levels of fandom. That morning I was looking for something to listen to on my way to college, and couldn’t decide between the Manics or Suede. I chose Gold Against The Soul purely on the basis that it was already in the case, unlike Dog Man Star, which was in the cassette player- I was running late, and the extra 30 seconds it would have taken to find the case would have made me miss my bus.
So, I got to college, and, at break time, got talking to a girl I knew vaguely, I think she was in the English class of someone I was at school with. She asked me what I was listening to, and I told her. She made a noise that can only be described as a squeal, and, from that moment on, my fate was sealed. We became firm friends and dragged each other down into the murky depths of Manic psycho-fandom. Seriously. Over the next few years we saw them live numerous times (I’ve been to around 31 gigs, I can’t rememer the exact number), sent them presents in the post (including Mr Men pants which Nicy Wire mentioned in an NME interview), and were called obsessive by Simon Price- a journalist who was such a fan he’d written a book about them.
How did this lead to the creation of a small child? I hear you ask. Well, I’ll tell you. If I hadn’t picked up that tape that morning, I wouldn’t have got talking to my friend, and become such a Manics obsessive. If I hadn’t become a Manics obsessive, I wouldn’t, while on a website called OpenDiary, started reading the diary of a fellow (male) Manics fan. Initially we compared notes on gigs we’d been to (and found out we’d stood next to each other at V99), chatted about songs, and how life was relentlessly crap and meaningless. (For those of you old enough to remember ‘Diary of a Manics Fan’ in Melody Maker in the late 90′s it was like that. Only worse). Over time, we got to know each other, and one day (27th April 2002, to be exact) we met up.
We got married in 2006, and our son (Nicholas, named after Nicky Wire) was born around this time last year. One day I’ll play him the album and explain to him how it led, in a roundabout way, to his birth. And he’ll look at me and say ‘mummy, what’s a cassette?’
Posted by Laura on April 21, 2010

I already did a short story and a ‘I’m a nice person’ bit, but other people seem to have done more so I am weighing in again.

My 11 weirdest ‘celebrity’ crushes (admittedly you have to be about 30 to know who some of these are), in no particular order:

1. Boris Johnson. Strangely attractive, and not at all to do with the money and power. Honest.
2. David Mitchell. I genuinely don’t know why this is weird but I have been told repeatedly that it is. Robert Webb would be acceptable though, apparently.
3. Russ Abbot. I was very young but I still can’t defend myself on that count. Just plain wrong.
4. Les Dennis. Again, very young, but equally inexplicable as the Abbot.
5. Andy Crane. Yes, the weird-looking blonde one from the CBBC Broom Cupboard when I was a wee lass.
6. Aramis. The cartoon spaniel version from Dogtanion and the 3 Muskehounds. What an awesome programme, but no disguising the fact I fancied a cartoon dog.
7. Robin Hood. The Disney one. You know, the cartoon fox. Do I need help?
8. Jack Black. Because he’s funny? I really don’t know.
9. Slash from Guns N’ Roses. He always had nice arms, even though all the drugs meant he could barely string a sentence together.
10. David Hyde Pierce. Yes, Niles Crane. Disturbingly hairy.
11. Eric from Lovejoy. Not the old one (Tinker) who my boyfriend for years thought I meant, the other one with the weird nose and dodgy hair.

That is both depressing and embarrassing, but strangely liberating.
Posted by Sue on April 21, 2010

Eleven word title, story and comment combined; and it’s a sort of TYSIC related short story for those that want to add more meaning to their lives.

Autobiography of a Fish

Swim, eat, repeat.

Comment: Get a life

I have Twitter, Facebook, Myspace (yes, still) and a blog, and should I win the book I promise to plug it to my (not very) many followers.
Posted by Rachel Winter on April 21, 2010

Is it cheating to post 3 short stories? If it is please cover your eyes to two of them?
Also, am not sure they even count as stories…but anyway.

“No. And the one you’re holding. That makes eleven. Eleven commandments.”

Ten, nine, eight, cat under blasters, oh jeez two run! one…

The ‘Spoon Killers’ favourite was the melon-baller. Slower, but artistic.
Posted by Mike on April 20, 2010

Quite simply I am listening to Madonna – Like A Virgin, for this reason alone you should give a book to me. Perhaps more convincing answers are:
- 1 – I am an extremely poor student and therefore like all students, have no shame in admitting that I have no money and can’t afford the luxuries of new books.
- 2 – I promise to give a dazzling review of your book on Amazon
- 3 – I would actually really genuinely appreciate the chance to read it first.

Thanks very much!
Posted by david on April 20, 2010

11 word story about an 11 word story – ‘Apollo 11′

“I’m nervous Buzz”
“Baby steps Neil”
“I’ve written a little something”
Posted by Olga on April 20, 2010

My short story: “Olga is sad. Mark motivates her. Olga works hard. Olga passes exams.”

Plus, my study leave begins on the 11th! That sure deserves the book..! Right?! Yeah.
Posted by Cathy on April 20, 2010

Ex-Cambridge Footlighter researching influential publication advertisers. Consequence? Inspiration, imagination, outstanding competition.

(All of the words have eleven letters in as well… I’ve never before appreciated just how many words in the English language have nine letters!!)

Cathy
Posted by Magnificent Josh on April 20, 2010

The top 11 things 11 is a bad number for:

1) People at a meal (How will they be seated?)
2) Players of Russian Roulette (an awfully boring game for the last 5)
3) People to share a pre-sliced pizza between (it’s so prime)
4) Sides on a dice (would it roll?)
5) Pence in your pocket (It’s not a lot)
6) People in your house (Neither one thing nor the other)
7) Years to be in a coma (It’s quite a lot) Emoticons to organise (2 rows or 3?)
9) Shoes to own (unless you’re an amputee or very well endowed)
10) Fingers to have
11) Things to put in a list
Posted by Madeleine on April 20, 2010

Good luck picking from these comments, all brilliant.
Here’s my entry in the (what I have renamed) “Yes I would quite like a book if thats okay, fine if not, its not that important I’m sure you’re very busy but if it wouldn’t be too much trouble… I’ll pay the postage” competition.
Meeting “well known people I admire” or “celebrities” makes me very nervous. When I get nervous I get shakey, sweary and can say the most remarkably innapropriate and left field things (they’re not even the first thing that pops into my head, I highly doubt the brain is involved at all). So without further ado I humbly (and mortifyingly) present.:

Eleven things I have said to celebrities that will make me cringe for the rest of my life.
1.”I’d understand if you were distracted by my aunt’s visable nipples”
2. “You’re even funny drunk!”
3. “My friend would be perfect for you… If she were a gay man”
4. “If I had a dog I would name it after you” (this was to Arj Barker. I still think that’s hilarious)
5. “I’m not stalking you, but…”
6. “music is like…. really important”.
7. “You may not remember, I was fourteen then. Same sized breasts though”
8. “FUCK OFF” (this was actually to the people behind me, who kept trying to push me out of the way. Unluckily, the Bob Evans, an Australian musician, walked up just in time for me to yell in his face).
9. “I’m going to put this photo on Grinder” (Grinder is a iphone app to locate gay men. I am a hetrosextual female.)
10. “Time really flys when you’re not being fingered!” (This was a quote from a show that was on earlier in the night. From the look on her face, I don’t think she remembered)
11. “Dude, man, chillax, dope, thats how I roll, pimp, bitches and hoes” and many other expressions that I would NEVER use in daily life.

Maybe something good can come out of this horrible embarassment (ie: me getting your book and spreading the word to the masses, washed and unwashed. I’m sure the 30 spam bots following me on twitter will enjoy it very much). If not, I hope anyone who reads this can feel a little better about themselves. Look on the bright side, at least you’ve never said THAT.
Posted by Marie on April 20, 2010

Eleven Conspiracy Theories about the ‘Volcanic Ash’:

1) It’s a plot to make UK airspace free for the military to fend off an iminent alien invasion
2) It’s a plot by desperate environmentalists to reduce the carbon footprint
3) It’s a plot by Richard Branson or Michael O’Leary who are going to unveil a special ‘ash cloud resistant’ aircraft and charge us all thousands of pounds to fly on it
4) It’s a plot by the various UK train companies, National Express and worldwide ferry services to drive up prices and passenger numbers
5) It’s the latest plot of the Tories to undermine Gordon Brown and the Labour Party. Expect lots of veiled hints of how much better they’d have handled things
6) The ash isn’t ash at all – it’s a toxic byproduct of the American’s latest nuclear weapons testing
7) It started as a practical joke, but it’s gone too far for the meteorologists to now admit this It’s part of Lord Voldemort’s latest evil plan (it is coming up to the end of the school year!)
9) There’s an iminent terrorist attack, and the only way to avoid it is by shutting down the airlines
10) Iceland made it up to get themselves some press attention. They’re currently being advised by some well-known UK ‘celebrities’
11) It’s a plot by the leaders of some conspiracy theory clubs, worried by falling membership numbers
Posted by ~Anji~ ( @AnjiMorrish ) on April 20, 2010

Mark – seeing as I managed 15 ‘books’ in my book comment post (Thanks Ben for counting for me!) any chance you could change the name of your book to ‘Fifteen’? My entry would be perfect then. Have a think, I understand some bits may need re-working but a solid title I feel.

Worth a try. You never know unless you try.
Posted by amycool on April 20, 2010

“Briefly describe how something you once did ended up having an unexpected effect on someone else. It can be anything at all. This does NOT have to be eleven words. It can be any length, funny or sad or anything.”

I thought I would tell the story of how buying the The Big Issue led to two lawyers buying me dinner in North Carolina.

In 2001, at the tender age of 16, I bought a copy of The Big Issue from a nice man in Stockport. As I was reading, an advertisement caught my eye for a charity called Human Writes. The advert was encouraging people to become pen-pals to men and women on death row in America, and for some reason, I knew that I had to do it. Coincidentally, I had recently read Stephen King’s Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, and I had been pondering the despair that must be felt by people in those situations.

So I sent off for some information and discovered that I was two years too young to become a writer. So I waited. And waited. And a few weeks before my 18th birthday I wrote off again, asking to join. It was only about a month later that I got a phone call telling me that they had found a match and that I would receive his details in the post. His name was Timothy and he lived in North Carolina.

Four years later, Timothy had become my best friend and I decided it was about time I got on a plane and went to see him. We (my boyfriend and I) arrived in Raleigh after our first ever plane journey to discover that Raleigh in July is hotter than the sun. We also discovered free Internet access, where I discovered that Timothy’s lawyers had e-mailed asking if we wanted to meet up.

So, two days after meeting my penfriend (and getting stuck in a lift with 6 obese claustrophobic women) and half an hour after watching the fifth Harry Potter film in 3D, we were sat in a restaurant with the soon to be mayor of Chapel Hill and a New York-born attorney. They bought us vegetarian burgers and they were unbelievably lovely.

I guess it was more unexpected for us than for them, although everyone in Raleigh seemed incredibly excited to have English people in their town.

If we get your book in at our library I will be sure to put it on the Book of the Day stand.
Posted by Catherine on April 20, 2010

Sorry list is so long. Been around awhile.

I love books. I once owned and operated a used bookstore in Florida, until reality ($) took over. My house still floweth over with books. However, I don’t expect it would possible to get a book to America easily, unless my being in London in June would help.

These are my 11 favorite groups, not necessarily in correct order except for Jimmy Buffett (or as he is called around our house, JB), grouped by decade.

1970s
1. Jimmy Buffett
2. Eric Clapton
3. Fleetwood Mac
4. Elton John
5. The Eagles
6. Queen
7. Chicago
8. Billy Joel
9. James Taylor
10.Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes
11.Bruce Springsteen

1980s
1. Jimmy Buffett
2. REM
3. Eric Clapton
4. Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
5. George Thorogood & the Destroyers
6. Talking Heads
7. Bruce Springsteen
8. Stevie Nicks
9. Cheap Trick
10.Meat Loaf
11.Sammy Hagar

1990s
1. Jimmy Buffett
2. Alan Jackson
3. Garth Brooks
4. Brooks & Dunn
5. Billy Ray Cyrus
6. Faith Hill
7. Tim McGraw
8. LeAnn Rimes
9. Shania Twain
10.Martina McBride
11.Steve Earle

2000s
1. Jimmy Buffett
2. Tim McGraw
3. Kenny Chesney
4. Keith Urban
5. Brad Paisley
6. Big & Rich
7. Taylor Swift
8. Shakira
9. Juanes
10.Latin Soul Syndicate
11.Enrique Iglesias

2010s
1. Jimmy Buffett
2. Tim Minchin
3. Duke Special
4. Neil Hannon
5. Paul Pilot
6. Frank Turner
7. Mumford & Sons
8. Leaving room for the rest of the decade
9.
10.
11.

Cathy
Posted by Sarah on April 20, 2010

Eleven words or fewer?

‘Baby crib for sale: Never used’
Posted by Lauren on April 20, 2010

Definitely up for Melbourne in September.

11 words…
Friday: drinking. Saturday: recovery. Sunday: karaoke night. Monday: shame and regret.
Posted by Andy Todd on April 20, 2010

I’ve often wondered how many of the 12 disciples would make Jesus’s starting 11.

While Peter can never pick Jesus out of a crowd; and Judas’s nickname is “Ashley Cole”; I’d personally leave Thomas on the bench. Thomas lacks confidence on the ball. Thomas has doubts.

So my team would be Jesus’s starting 11:

1. James (In goals, of course)
2. Andrew
3. Peter
4. John
5. Philip
6. Bartholomew
7. Matthew
8. James
9. Thaddeus
10. Simon
11. Judas
Posted by lex on April 20, 2010

Establish unlikely protagonists.
Conflict ensues.
Resolution occurs.
Nice cup of tea.
Posted by Spencer on April 20, 2010

Wow! Is this your most popular blog yet? It can only be a good sign that lots of people want to read your book. I’m now going to add myself to this list; despite the tough competition.

Here is a team of 11 songs for an album I’m putting together as half of a musical comedy act. Please excuse the self-promotion, but I have little shame when it comes to this and therefore this should hopefully illustrate that I’d happily promote your novel in any way that I can should I win a copy!

Anyway, I don’t think I will win because I’m going to give you a reason to disqualify this entry immediately. Technically my ‘team’ is only made up of 10.5 songs. That’s because the title of the album is called “A History of Rock & Roll in 10.5 Songs” inspired by the Julian Barnes novel ‘A History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters’. One of the songs on the album is not really a song – hence the half a song. However for the sake of a list, there are definitely 11 discrete items on and therefore I’m hopefully ruling myself back in! So here goes, a team of 11 (10.5) songs for every occasion (with a bracketed subtitle for every occasion)

1 – Hello-mo (A welcome Song)
2 – God Created Shiznits (Play The Flute Monkey Man)
3 – NatChat (A duet)
4 – Eggs Are Nuts (A Five a Day Song)
5 – Palomo (On This Summer Solstice)
6 – Boyancy (We Are a Boyband)
6.5 – The History of Rock and Roll 7 – The Future of Music (Glitchcrunk beats)
8 – CheatBeat (A World Cup Song)
9 – Let The Lomo Love-In Begin (The Anthem)
10 – December Days (A MF Xmas Song)

And whilst we’re talking numbers and shameless promotion, 80% of these tracks are available to listen on the site I’ve linked to on my name. I’ve gone too far haven’t I? I’m not likely to win the book through such methods. But as a by-product I’ve finally come up with an idea for a TYSIC I could do. It’s not too late to join the party is it?
Posted by Emmy on April 20, 2010

Erm, that was an honest question, not a contest submission.
Posted by Emmy on April 20, 2010

Oh, by the way Mark, how’s your arm? I hope it’s better.
Posted by Corey on April 20, 2010

Eleven men lined up on the pitch, ”Wheres Wayne?” said Fabio
Posted by Beth on April 20, 2010

My top 11 albums. Ever.

1) Meat is Murder – The Smiths
2) OK Computer – Radiohead
3) Years of Refusal – Morrissey
4) Funeral – The Arcade Fire
5) Phantom Power – Super Furry Animals
6) Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – The Beatles
7) Silent Alarm – Bloc Party Parklife – Blur
9) Disintegration – The Cure
10) Love, Ire and Song – Frank Turner
11) Panic Prevention – Jamie T

(That’s not in order of preference, just 11 albums that I love and couldn’t possibly choose between!)
Posted by Ed Holroyd on April 20, 2010

Hi Mark, been reading your blog for a while. Mainly when my youngest wakes me in the middle of the night, which seems appropriate. Never left a comment before, but this competition has stirred me into posting. I’ve also been reading Dan Rhodes’s Anthropology which is 101 stories about relationships that are 101 words long ( if anyone hasn’t read it, I thoroughly recommend it, you can read some of it at http://danrhodes.co.uk/books/anthropology-and-a-hundred-other-stories/ ). Here is my version, 11 stories about relationships that are 11 words long:

I thought she was someone else. She wasn’t. She left me.

As he jumped, he realised he had misunderstood what invaluable means.

He thought saying ‘I fucking do’ showed he really meant it.

He learned that, for sex, ‘standard class’ is a bad answer.

When I met her, I realised something that I’ve forgotten now.

As he undressed, she laughed. It was like that every time.

Tragically, he never could say ‘I love you’ without smirking sarcastically.

Pretty colours were no consolation for her burning down his house.

He couldn’t find words to describe their love. She was disappointed.

Turns out, as a pet name, ‘orifice’ is a poor choice.

He said she was ‘sanguine’ when he meant to say ‘bleeding’.
Posted by Rachel Winter on April 20, 2010

Ooh and yes to the merry dance! sounds fun.
Posted by Rachel Winter on April 20, 2010

There’s an emergency blogger contest? I will have to read that blog more closely!

(That’s not my entry for the book competition by the way)
Posted by Debbie C on April 20, 2010

Hello Mark, I would love to win a copy of your book and would be very happy to write reviews of it in various places like Amazon and so on. I like all the different entry options you have provided; it makes it more fun to enter, and probably much more difficult for you to judge! I really wanted to have a go at writing an 11-word story, so I’ve thought about it for a while and here’s what I’ve come up with (it’s also a sort of commentary that would apply to many events in my life):

‘She was sure it would end badly. But it didn’t. Hooray!’
Posted by Kathryn on April 20, 2010

I’ve a feeling I’ve arrived too late for this, my brain’s stopped working after creating a reasonably accurate reproduction of Yoshi from Super Mario on my brother’s birthday cake.

11 reasons/excuses why I can’t think of anything to write:

1. I’m too tired.
2. I’m too worried about exams.
3. I’m trying to do 5 things at once.
4. My fingers are covered in red food colouring and I keep imagining myself as Lady Macbeth.
5. All the lights just shorted in my kitchen and I have to go and see if the rest of the house is affected.
6. The songs and voices in my head are distracting me.
7. I’m thinking about the deep philosophical discussion I was having earlier (Would you rather know everything or be ignorant?)
8. There’s a picture of a hedgehog on the television.
9. I’ve just realised I need to go and wrap a birthday present.
10. I can’t think of anything convincing enough to win me a book and therefore am torturing myself.
11. I ate too much icing earlier during aforementioned baking activity.
Posted by Helen on April 20, 2010

Oh how exciting! Here is my eleven word story:

The aliens misheard voice-mail. Leave message in mailbox. Not maize crop.

(My computer word count says ‘voice-mail’ is one word. Sorry if this isn’t actually correct according to the laws about words and such)
Posted by Natalie-Helen on April 20, 2010

Figuratively it was more than he could take. Literally he managed.

I may come back with a picture too. I have an idea brewing.

When’s the deadline?

^_^
Posted by Magnificent Josh on April 19, 2010

“The creature reminded him of his grandmother, so he killed it”

hmm, maybe I should try my hand at the picture instead:
http://i42.tinypic.com/sdeez6.jpg
this has a story attached too:
“With eleven Loch Ness Monsters, the whole mystery is somewhat reduced”

I may try the others later on, for funzies.
Posted by Alex on April 19, 2010

Oh, and I meant to say that I’ve already reviewed one of your books on Amazon (albeit very badly), so I’m happy to promise to do that.
Posted by Alex on April 19, 2010

I got excited when I saw this and though I might actually enter this one, until I saw your list of ways to enter and realised I would be terrible at all of them. So I’m just going to have to try and prove that I “would be an ace person to give a copy of the book to”. Hmmm.

Well. I saw you live a couple of years ago (I think) in Reading, where a man had a fake disturbing flashback and my friend and I were sitting on the front row dressed as the kids from Fame (I give the detail in case you might remember, but I do realise this won’t have been as defining a moment in your life as it was in mine). I can’t quite remember why, but you started playing a game of ‘work out how old people in the audience are from the year they were born’. You seemed frankly disgusted that I was born in 1989 (it actually must have been about two years ago because I was 18 at the time), and when you started talking about A Lighthearted Look at Murder you pointed out that I wouldn’t really know anything about the time in which it was set. I think I came back with something hugely witty and clever such as “I’ve READ it actually”. After that the conversation went like this:

“Really? Did you… like it?”
“Yeah it was really good, but I think I preferred Bullet Points”
“You’ve read BOTH my books?”

So yeah… I’m not entirely sure why that should entitle me to a free book, but you did seem genuinely suprised, and it shows I have been a big fan for a long time (I’d seen you before and twice since then. And I have Crap at the Environment. And Makes the Word Substantially Better on CD. See. Big Fan).

This is not proving to be a very convincing argument, and my memory of the tiny details of that particular conversation probably doesn’t reflect particularly well on me, but I really would like a free book. I’m also a poverty stricken student- when I pre-ordered it I did actually flinch a little as I can’t really afford such extravangances as a non=speech therapy related book.

I’ll stop now.
Posted by Rachael on April 19, 2010

My starting Xl is 80′s Heart-throbs:
1. John Cusack
2. Andrew McCarthy
3. Rob Lowe
4. Micheal J. Fox
5. Emilio Estevez
6. River Pheonix
7. John Stamos
8. Patrick Dempsey
9. Matt Dillon
10. Christian Slater
11. Judd Nelson

short story:

She travelled through time and space to save actor James Dean.

P.S. I have no problem relentlessly plugging your book to my 11 followers on twitter!
Posted by Bagsy on April 19, 2010

How the World Came To Be: A Story In Twelve Words

Like the Neverending Story, this is shorter than the title suggests.
Posted by Hugo Zegna on April 19, 2010

What is the biggest number in the world? Eleven.

(This joke works better in my father’s idiosyncratic Indonesian accent, according to which words invariably end in silent consonants and there is no phonetic difference between ‘v’ and ‘f’. The joke is then based on the laboured elephant-eleven pun. Grant him this, and the fact that an elephant is known for being massive, and the joke begins to make sense. So there’s my short story, with the added bonus of ‘eleven’ as a punchline.)
Posted by Gareth on April 19, 2010

Small action

It’s not really one small because i did it more than once, but anyway. When i was doing a BTEC First diploma at college, i did it with a mate i knew before. And during the start of the course, he missed a lot of college and was struggling to bring himself in and being close to kicked off the course. So in attempt to get him in, i would swing by his house and walk up to college with him. Although it seemed like a small thing at the time, we are both now on the verge of getting into university almost 3 years later. Despite the tutor telling him he wouldnt get good grades because of the college he missed.
Posted by Book giveaways « Read in a Single Sitting on April 19, 2010

[...] Mark Watson Giveaway [...]
Posted by Anna Lowman on April 19, 2010

Annoyingly, I can’t think of a single interesting thing to say.

Not my 11 word story, but a plain and depressing statement of fact. You’re all wonderful and got me all insecure. Picking five winners from these will be a tough old job Mark!

Maybe I’ll get inspired before the competition’s close, otherwise, if a preview copy were going spare anywhere along the way it’d be a really great pleasure to review and promote it.
Posted by Gareth on April 19, 2010

You know that hideous processed meat with people’s faces in? I remember going to a schoolfriend’s house for tea and being served “Hansel and Gretel meat” and knowing there was something utterly macabre about it even at an early age.

It occurs to me, however, that there is a market for cheese shaped like the faces of footballers, particularly if there are people – yourself, dare I suggest? – who love football but haven’t yet developed a taste for cheese. My starting XI of cheesy footballers would be:

Peter Stilton
Giuliano Giannicheddar
Henning Jarlsberg
Brie Bowyer
Pecorino Asprilla
Manchego Maradona
Jean-Gruyere Papin
Gorgon Zola
Gary Limburger (tenuous)
Wensley “Dale” Sneijder (getting desperate now)
Ivan Zamorano (Zamorano is a cheese)

Stilton gets the number 1 shirt just ahead of Feta Cech. Sure, it’s an attacking team, but some of them are very strong. I think the team would be called Sage Derby County.

If you would like any more persuasion to give me a book, I not only have a blog (and of course Amazon) to post a review on, but also moderate an online book discussion forum. Exposure is guaranteed. Thank you for reading.
Posted by Laura B on April 19, 2010

Hello! I have had no internet for the past three weeks and have muchly missed the blogging antics. But it seems I’ve come back in time for a great competition.

First off, I would love to be led a merry dance around Edinburgh. Or London. All the previous merry dances Mark has led me have caused only hilarity and happy memories (with the occasional bit of sleep deprivation thrown in for good measure).

Also, I would like to win a book! Here is my eleven word (true) story:

“Girl sees thin comedian in long show. Becomes fan for life.”

I think I should win. If I don’t, I will obviously be buying it, but it would nice to have a signed copy. I have all Mark’s other books, but have somehow managed to miss out on getting all of them signed (even despite buying A Light Hearted Look At Murder AT a book signing….blame the sleep deprivation). I can happily post reviews all over the internet and if it’s as good as the others, I won’t even need to lie. Also, I can indoctrinate the small children I teach, and in ten years or so you’ll have a second surge of readers.

Fingers crossed…..
(It’s nice to be back)
Posted by lora on April 19, 2010

My play for a copy of your book, shall be a eleven word story.

“Eleven words? I always thought word counts were hard to reach…”

Not really a story but hey, a statement will have to do
Posted by Maddie on April 19, 2010

They were trapped in the path of destruction. They got away.

OR

She likes Mark Watson. She likes books. She likes winning. She?

OR

Life had been particularly harsh on Keith that day. R.I.P Keith.
Posted by Linsey on April 19, 2010

James Walker: Brilliant.
These comments are doing well at keeping me entertained and distracted from coursework!
Posted by EllieCat on April 19, 2010

11 word story:

Blindfold chainsaw juggling on roller skates. What could possibly go wrong?

My top 11 favourite British Sign Language Signs:

1. Turtle
2. Hitler
3. Pillock
4. Penguin
5. Bitch
6. Unfortunately
7. Routine
8. Jargon
9. Whale
10. Ambulance
11. To go on and on and on and on
Posted by Ben on April 19, 2010

i think you got 15, Anji!
Posted by Anji on April 19, 2010

Waaa head spinning! Everyone has come up with great 11 things! I have to think this thru. A book before others get a book, that would be the book of all books! I’d clear a space on the book shelf…. No I’d read the book and then frame the book so everyone could see how special the book of all books was. And the tell everyone about the amazing book untill I was told to stop talking about the out if this world book, because everyone would already know it was the book of all books!

Did I manage 11 books in the book blog comment?! I can’t count. Well I can but iPhone and blondeness and tiredness prevents me!
But I’d love to win a book it would mean an awful lot! I’ll treasure it and enjoy it.
Posted by Alec on April 19, 2010

My 11 favourite words (oh the interest is radiating)
hiney, flabbergasted, bodacious, codswallop, funambulist, confabulate, Steatopygia, dollop, ragamuffin, dipththong.

If i win, i’ll try and use most of the words in a review not sure how on earth i’ll fir Steatopygia into it however…
Posted by Dawn on April 19, 2010

” As she loaded the washer his boxers reeked of cheap perfume”.
Posted by Carl on April 19, 2010

I do love these.

Here’s my story entitled The Journey of the British Underdog:

Shoved into the limelight. Admired, loved, then idolised.
Overexposed. Envied.
Hated.

Goodluck everyone and thank you for this kind gesture, Mark!

x
Posted by James Walker on April 19, 2010

My eleven word story:

‘No! We don’t need a new toaster!!’ Ant glared at Dec.

My Eleven favourite ways to tackle a Ferrero Rocher:

1. Just eat it. Don’t put any thought in to it whatsoever. Simply eat it.
2. Get the chocolate and almond coating off first, whilst trying to end up with a perfectly spherical wafer ball. If you bite in to the wafer ball, you’ve ruined it.
3. Try to eat as many as possible in the alloted time. Someone actually did this on Britain’s Got Talent, but sadly, they didn’t get through. Huge shame.
4. Have one at an Ambassador’s ball.
(I realise now that 11 favourite ways was a bit of a leap.)
5. Take every hazelnut and walnut off, one-by-one and then chant.
6. Eat the whole nut within the Rocher, without touching the outside at all. Only the Ferrero Masters should tackle this; Rocher Rookie’s should stay away.
7. Throw 11 of them up in to the air, and try and form a perfect mini-pyramid of them on a tray.
8. When you’ve got a few of them to wafer-ball form, act like you’re a professional juggler & do what many jugglers do, and juggle them. I reccomend starting with 11 (Another Britain’s Got Talent idea?)
9. Eat them inside-out. Almost impossible, but Rocky Shinble was able to do it once in ’88.
10. Remove the wrapper and eat it, without using your hands. Again, Rocky Shinble did it in ’88 (his wonder year)
11. Eat it, whilst sitting down with a lovely cup of tea and reading Mark Watson’s fantastic new book ‘Eleven.’

Yes, 11 was a few too many ways.

So yes, I’d very much like one of the copies of Eleven. I feel that I’d be able to review it quite well, and as I’m looking to become a writer, it’s always great to read a new book & gain inspiration from it.

I’ve went on too long.
Posted by Hannah on April 19, 2010

Oh, i should probbaly also say that i am a different hannah from the one before, if you see what i mean. In future, I’ll change my name. call me hannah 2.0, if i win. (positive thinking) To clarify, Hannah 2.0 = silly cartoon.
Posted by Hannah on April 19, 2010

Oh, and of course I would write many reviews and tweet about it incessantly. I would even set up amazon accounts under loads of different names just so you had lots of good reviews.
Posted by Hannah on April 19, 2010

I have thought at length about this. After several failed attmepts at clever comments, I drew this: http://twitpic.com/1gvi7c (sorry, you have to twist your head)
Why i should win: This took me over an hour. Then a further 20 minutes trying and failing to photograph it without a shadow. I think that alone shows how much I want to win this.
Also I used blueberry smelling pen to colour it in.
Also, I thought of an accompanying less-than-eleven-word story.

The numbers didnt add up, so they got married.

A summary of the story, or a reference to Cameron’s tax breaks for married couples? You decide.
Posted by Josh on April 19, 2010

I don’t know what you’d class as book winning creations but these are my attempts…

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2037001&id=1093080235&l=874f4e0f6c
Posted by Toby on April 19, 2010

Here we go: the world’s one, the only…

SHADES OF GREEN XI

In goal: Shamrock Green (the Irish fella’s always had a safe pair of hands).

Across the back: Forest Green, Pigment Green, Sea Green and Myrtle (playing a dangerous offside strategy, which is risky as Sea Green tends to drift.)

In midfield: Teal, Jade, Harlequin and Midnight green (Hard to know who to play on the flanks because, as we all know, Teal, Jade, Harlequin and Midnight Green are all left-footed…)

Up front: Viridian and Celadon (Gone for some continental flair in attack… It’s a risky tactic which might just backfire as these two particular shades are known to fade late on.)

And the manager of the team is, of course, British Racing Green (an old pro, he’s been around for decades now and is bound to know the game inside out. Besides, we all know there are far too many foreign managers around…)

…And I SHALL be in Edinburgh for the book launch. If I can’t win, then at least let me know the details of the launch!
Posted by Annie on April 19, 2010

11 word (true) story:

Girl tweeted bloke via radio DJ. They soon met. Kapow! Love!
Posted by Estee on April 19, 2010

Ok if OR actually means and/or… then, also:

Jim sat on the riverbed wondering where it all went wrong.
OR
Billy bought a boat and disappeared… just as the rain began.

If there was such a thing as a hopeful smiley, I would employ it right here. But maybe just use your imagination…
Posted by Linsey on April 19, 2010

Ok, this is my 11 word story:
Margaret sighed. Things would get better soon, she thought. They did.

I also may be qualified to review the book, as I’ve had reviewing experience after being taken to Underage Festival by NME and having my own review (I was 15 and terrified, so it wasn’t the greatest, but it’s still my proudest achievement), and so I would endeavor to write you a brilliant review. Also with the whole University thing being a constant drain on cash I’m not sure if I could afford the book, but I have saved to buy a ticket to see you in Derby! x
Posted by Laura on April 19, 2010

I have the creativity of a sponge; my very short story is thus semi-autobiographical:
Explosion. The result of too much mashed potato. Is that possible?

If I win your book I will spend all my spare time on the information super highway writing glowing reviews all over the place. If I don’t get a job soon, this could add up to an awful lot of spare time and an awful lot of glowing reviews.
The second part of the ‘I’m deserving’ bit is very much dependent on you having a little book launch in London as I can’t come to Edinburgh; if you do have a London launch (yes please!), I will bring along the copy of ‘Eleven’ I have already ordered (or we could arrange somthing else – I am coming to your Hammersmith show in December) and ask you to get all your celebrity friends/any famous people you might meet on your travels to sign it and I will auction it off for a charity of your/everyone here’s choice.
Posted by MrMatt on April 19, 2010

Ok. Been staring at this for a good while now and reading all of the other comments whilst trying to come up with something to say. I can’t think of anything really fresh and world beating to say.

Here we go with an 11 word story:

The boy wanted a book. He hoped to win. Did he?

Also, I will endeavour to review the book on every website going and even on forums that I am on AND I will even leave reviews in bookshops on big pieces of card. I might even try and stick a review in a local newspaper, just write one and try and get them to publish it. Worth a shot.
Posted by Suz on April 19, 2010

Eleven good eleveny things:

1. Eleven, by Mark Watson (of course)
2. The Eleventh Doctor
3. Apollo 11
4. WWI armistice
5. It’s the atomic number for sodium. I like salt on my chips and you can’t have salt without sodium. Or animal life, but mainly the salt on chips thing.
6. That it’s elf in German and is followed by zwölf. I like saying elfzwölf.
7. I like the fact that Wiki feels the need to include this bit of information about the number eleven: “It is the first number which cannot be represented by a human counting their eight fingers and two thumbs additively”
8. The year 11BC was a particularly good one for me.
9. Elevenses.
10. I bloody love hendecachorons (and also Wikipedia).
11. Ocean’s 11

I’ll certainly write you an Amazon review (I’m sure I’ll end up buying the book anyway) and I will make a tribute to/review of your book in cake and post it on my food blog to further promote it to the 13 people who read it, many of whom are fans of yours already.
Posted by A lot of Rach[a]els on April 19, 2010

My 11 word story:
“Knock knock, who’s there, Mark, Mark who? Mark Watson and his…”

Ah guess we’ll never know what you had at the door.

Won’t be in Ed until the 15th =[ but will be around London in (beginning of) September =]
Posted by Ben on April 19, 2010

of course, that link should be:

http://learningtoreadten.blogspot.com/2010/04/light-hearted-look-at-murder.html

by putting it in brackets, i added a bracket to the URL…
Posted by Ben on April 19, 2010

I REALLY want to win this book. But so does everyone here, I guess.

Here’s my 11 word story, in the form of a telegram:

father stop birth complications stop must choose stop come please – john

Here’s a reason you should give it to me: for my TYSIC (apt?) I’ve started a book blog, where I review books, talk about them, and talk about writing.
Okay, it’s a fairly new blog, so not as many people read it as some others yet, but people I know have already bought books from my recommendations off it. And I reviewed A Light-Hearted Look At Murder on it just a couple of days ago, as the first in a series of blogs about my favourite books– so that’s form.

(review here: http://learningtoreadten.blogspot.com/2010/04/light-hearted-look-at-murder.html)

I also wanted to do a team of things, cos it looks fun. I pick authors. 4-4-2, cos I used to read the magazine.

GK: Conan Doyle (he played there for Portsmouth)
LB: Evelyn Waugh (Cuts inside going forward. The Quiet Captain)
RB: PG Wodehouse (Flashy going forward, but naive at the back)
CB:Richard Adams (What a heart for the game this man has got)
CB: David Lodge (A bit of class next door to ‘the Adams’. Classy passer)
LM: F Scott Fitzgerald (Oh, what beautiful footwork. Not a team player)
RM: Kurt Vonnegut (All the talent in the world, but smoked a ton. no legs)
DM: Michael Chabon (He’s learned to keep it simple. Plus wonder goals)
AM: Terry Pratchett (Constant invention. Keeps the tempo high)
FC: Stephen Fry (Off-pitch distractions, but when he focuses… blimey)
SC: Jasper Fforde (Good with his head. Never misses)

I’m around in Eds from 8th-10th. But I have the whole week off, so will definitely stick around a bit longer for book-related magic.
Posted by Dean on April 19, 2010

11 word story:

Dean wins a book. Doesn’t find time to read it. Fail.
Posted by Timm on April 19, 2010

Here’s my eleven word story.

Adolescence fades to adulthood. Decisions become regrets. A black hole beckons.
Posted by Emmy on April 19, 2010

Oh, and also… Mark, where can we buy tickets for the Hammersmith, 30 May gig? I may go if the tickets aren’t too expensive…
Posted by Hannah on April 19, 2010

I shall keep it pithy:

man one the run, many twists and turns, then he survives

I love books, I love writing about books, I love Mark Watson, I love competitions and I am a poor student. Need I say more?

Thanks!
Posted by Laurs on April 19, 2010

My 11 word story, it really took me ages to think about this:

Tiredness came; witnesses gasped. The end was nigh. Alas, poor Mary.

And also, as an English teacher of impressionable young minds, I can spend the rest of my days encouraging them to read your work.

Also, as an English teacher, I literally devour books, I love them. They are my passion. When I find a good book, I don’t stop telling people about it, I write about them, they inspire me and I tell people about that. Books are a saviour to me, rescuing me from the reality of life and transporting me to a world where anything can happen. God, I love books.
Posted by Daniel on April 19, 2010

My eleven word stories:

‘Twas once upon a time they all lived happily ever after.

Or

Death, salad, croquet and Rolf Harris. It was quite a night.

My Favourite Eleven Punchlines From Childhood Jokes

1. A newspaper
2. Footprints in the custard
3. A wonkey
4. E war Woo woo
5. A do-you-think-he-saw-us
6. A gooseberry in a lift
7. You just said it.
8. No-eye deer
9. Because the sea weed.
10. Cliff
11. Clever dick

Unexpected Consequence

A friend invited us to an Easter play he as doing at the local theatre, but it became a religious service and, feeling conspicuous by my non-Hosannahs, I left early. My friends had to follow me as I had forgotten I was looking after their purses. Realising they still had time to kill before the bus home, my friends went to a pub, where they got talking to two boys. A year on, and one of my friends hasd just returned from a week in Rome with the boy she met that night, all nice and engaged and ready for a great life together. And all because I felt uneasy at a Salvation Army play!

Please give me the book because

I might be able to get it put on the county’s reading list for schools if it’s appropriate. And if it isn’t I might do it anyway!

Daniel
Posted by Carey on April 19, 2010

*to not ‘too’.
Posted by Carey on April 19, 2010

Have written arty eleven words. Possibly influenced by ‘plinky plinky music I am listening too.

‘Leaves last dance is longest. Swaying in sunny shafts before rest. ‘

From my window it looks like autumn, even though it’s April. Kind of annoying really . Btw, the dancing book launch sounds like great plan. Excuse to holiday in Scotland for a day or so would be a great reason to leave aside all my crazy MA research for a bit. I used to love Ovid and think he was the man for me, but our relationship is worsening rapidly.
Posted by Emmy on April 19, 2010

Yes! Book launch! London! September! DO IT! Please!

Eleven word story-

Can never think of something genius. Life gets in the way.
Posted by Louise on April 19, 2010

I am up for The Fringe book launch, sounds fun.
Posted by Chrissy on April 19, 2010

my 11 word sad but true story about my book shelf

all my books are about boobs, need one that isn’t please.
Posted by cymruangel on April 19, 2010

Maybe all these snippet stories will inspire some of the budding writers on this blog?!

I once tried to buy a book from you at one of your shows, but you had run out of copies And then I (daftly) forgot all about it. Fool.
However, it is pay day on Friday, so I shall promptly go and buy existing books and review those on Amazon, as practice in case I should win the new one.

My 11 word story (read into it what you will):
Tragically, all her efforts were wasted. He never knew she existed.
Posted by Irwin on April 19, 2010

why I’d be an ace person to give the book to:

I’m almost fully literate and read books all the way through, even if they don’t have pictures in. I’m quite poor, to the extent that I may soon have my knee caps ‘done in’. Also, I write for a popular(ish) american literary website which has readers across the globe— including Britain, like where I live, was born and learnt to read to the level I previously boasted about.

Because I want to play the game, here’s a team of Utter Bastards From History:

GK
Attila The Hun— a big, intimidating German keeper. Almost as violent as Harald Schumacher

RB
Joseph Goebbels— if Paul Ince managed to play in World Cup ’98 then Goebbels can manage an imaginary game with an admittedly more severe foot injury.

DC
Josef Stalin— tough , no-nonsense. Leon Trotsky got an ice-pick through his ear hole. Opponents will feel nothing but relief when all they get is two sets of studs through their shin pads.

DC
Napoleon Bonaparte— deceptively tricky to beat. An excellent general at the back.

LB
Ashley Cole— is he as bad as Hitler? Well, that’s debatable. He’s undeniably a bit of a c**t though.

MR
Adolf Hitler— he’d probably be crap, really just a joke about the Nazis being right-wing.

MC
Genghis Khan— a midfield terrier in the mould of David Batty.

MC
Dick Cheney— because one of his pot shots will hit the target eventually.

ML
Osama Bin Laden— an elusive left midfielder with a strong cult following. A bit like Gary Speed.

ST
Benito Mussolini— because very team needs a bit of Italian flair

ST
Robert Mugabe— literally murders his opponents.
Posted by Sam on April 19, 2010

Hedging my bets every which way but loose. No wait, loose is in there too. The much maligned tactic of quantity over quality:

Story: “Michael lived. At least he thought he did. Then he died.”

Impact/consequences thing: I was once in a shop when a pregnant woman’s waters broke. I phoned her husband and an ambulance and stayed with her, talking, until an ambulance came. They later named the child after me. And the husband was called Paul Daniels which is irrelevant but brilliant. A more in depth version of that tale can be found here: http://theunevenbookshelf.wordpress.com/2010/03/29/a-tale-so-heroic-youll-have-to-redefine-the-word/

Eleven-a-side team: My eleven favourite tracks by The Divine Comedy (a best of if you will) and in no particular order: Our Mutual Friend. Something For The Weekend. Eye Of The Needle. A Lady Of A Certain Age. The Beauty Regime. Tonight We Fly. The Plough. Sunrise. The Certainty Of Chance. National Express. Perfect Lovesong.

The Picture: http://www.flickr.com/photos/38839450@N06/4534791797/ Eleven written in 11s all in size 11. Boom Mr Watson, Boom.

Aceness: Why would I be ace? Well clearly I can give over a lot of time to things when most wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) bother. In the Very late Review before you called my review of Contra proffessional, thus it would bode well for my review of your book. I have a blog with a fair readership from which I can publicise, as well as a student radio show that is respected. I very much enjoyed your first two novels, and so probability says I would like your latest effort. I am a student so have little in the way of money. I have enough moral flexibility and also a large guilt complex, so even if by some chance I didn’t like the novel I wouuld feel compelled to lie and say it is brilliant. I am a rather good liar and have blagged my way through many a presentation or essay, so writing a glowing review would be no problem. I once got an email from Mark Kermode two years ago, and so there is a tenuous chance I could exploit that to get the book coverage on The Culture Show. And to end with, I am currently listening to Belle and Sebastian so clearly have some great taste, and would make an excellent ambassador for your work.

There. That’ll do for now. I should really get on write my essay, it’s due in in the morning.
Posted by Estee on April 19, 2010

Ahhhh, muchos excitement! I really would love that book. I have your other two, and I would definitely get around to buying Eleven eventually, but it could be a wee while before monies could be come by… so… abandoning all sense of pride:

11 stupid things I’ve done in my life, in chronological and potentially worsening order:
- In a supermarket aisle when I was about 4 years old. On one side of me… a man and woman in matching coats, other side of me… exactly the same. I chose the wrong ‘mummy and daddy’ to run up and hug. They were shocked.
- Asked to go to the medical room in front of class at school because ‘my mouth hurt’.
- Walked into a lamppost in Woking. Friends and strangers laughed. It hurt really quite a lot.
- Used to work in a supermarket. Many, many embarrassing incidents… including not knowing what certain vegetables such as turnips looked like. I had to ask the customers who, in some cases and even more embarrassingly, I later discovered had lied.
- Walked into a lamppost in Exeter. More people laughed. Didn’t hurt quite as much though as I was slightly very drunk.
- Told everyone I love my housemate when I really just meant in a friendly way (again under the influence)… queue endless ridicule.
- In busy lab holding test tubes, tried to sit down on swivel chair… missed and fell on floor. (Didn’t spill anything though!)
- Dyed my hair brown, tried to dye it back to blonde… went BRIGHT ginger.
- Went to an interview in Birmingham (far away) wearing jeans, to find all other applicants in suits. Got freaked out, tried to leave, broke down in front of admin lady. Couldn’t work out how to use steps down to taxis, or how to open taxi door. There’s definitely something wrong with me…
- Slipped in some sick on pavement, flew in the air, landed in said sick in front of people and bouncers.
- Knackered; fell asleep in exam. Lecturer came up and asked me if i was ‘okay’… I jumped and said ‘yep!’. – Fail in more ways than one.

I don’t think I can come to EdFringe yet again this year ‘coz of stupid decorated bits of paper, or lack thereof, but I would be up for London!

Also Patrick, that is a good list of comedians right there.

Oh and I don’t believe I’ve ever won a competition before, so this could tie in with the ‘never have i ever’ thing thing. Ah I shall stop typing one of these days…
Posted by Gabi on April 19, 2010

11 worst people to share a hot tub with (As a second layer to this list, some of these lucky people would be equally poor people to share hot tub with as they are a bit dead. This would mean that they would be decaying and slimy. Trust me. Slime and hot tub water don’t mix.)

1. Hitler. Too racist
2. Amanda Holden. Her face would melt because of the chemicals
3. Gordon Ramsey. Same reason as Ms. Holden. Though also when he had finished he would end his session with the words :’Gordon’s wrinkle free body: done.’ Annoying really
4. Victoria Beckham. Force of the bubbles may snap her in half. Risky.
5. The Honey Monster (former sugar puff mascot) Apart from having quite a scary voice, his fur would clog the filter, consequently ruining the fun for everyone.
6. Gene Simmons. Would be making a lot of noise, and his makeup would wash off in the bubbling water. He, unlike Tim Minchin is Not a pretty sight without his makeupy mask
7. Andrew Lloyed Webber (Sir). I can only presume he would start creating some jacuzzi based musical, which looks at the trials and tribulations of watery fun. He would then start the search for his lead, ‘bubbles’ right there in the hot tub. I can’t be doing with that level of pressure during what is supposed to be a relaxing time.
8. Dick I beg your pardon Nick Griffin. Would be kissing Hitler’s speedos, and trying to get all those who weren’t descended from the jacuzzi or it’s relatives out. Even if we were there first…
9. Barry Scott the Cillit Bang man. I don’t think I have to explain this one..
10. Medusa, the mythological (but VERY real) creature who has snakes for hair, and will turn anyone who looks at her to stone. The Jacuzzi has a limited weight tolerance
11. Any fire breathing creatures of any kind. The heat from their flame filled breath would cause the water to boil, and create a very nasty soup.

And as a last attempt to win this book, I did a 11 word story. Again Jacuzzi themed. It is the warning which is stuck to the side of Jacuzzi :

Jacuzzi is best enjoyed without pasta. Disastrous results occur when mixed

Love Gabi xx
Posted by Corry Shaw on April 19, 2010

I should win a book because I’ve just found out you are doing the launch on the 11th from this blog rather than you telling me. This wouldn’t matter as much if I wasn’t meant to be helping organise it! (nag nag nag).

Also for anyone interested in Mark’s May 30th preview details and links for tickets will be going up in the next couple of days. Check the Facebook page for details on that and other Mark projects that I occasionally get roped into helping out with.
http://www.facebook.com/FoolhardyComedy?ref=ts
Posted by Lydia on April 19, 2010

I would very much like to receive a copy of your book. I’m quite happy to leave reviews for said book all over the interweb too. Sadly, I don’t read the news so I won’t be able to get the ‘buy the book’ word nationwide, but I have time on my hands, I’ll give it good shot.

Now, reasons why I should win a book. My addiction to books is causing me some hassle at home. At first it was just “Lydia, stop buying books, we have nowhere to keep them all” or “I’m sick of falling over piles of books”. More recently it’s been “more books? How much have you spent today then?” I can’t walk past a bookshop without going inside. I kid myself that I’ll just go in and have a look but generally come out with a book (Well three, they always have a 3 for 2 thing on, really I’m saving money, no?)
I had to stop work 5yrs ago, this makes me sad. My children are at school, also makes me sad. My health is poor, again much sadness. Books make me smile and pass the time until my children come home. A free book,sent to my house, before it’s in the shops is likely to make my week/month/year.So please Mr.Watson, pick me, pick me!
Posted by elin on April 19, 2010

And yes, I put it on my website, but linked to nothing… and called it eleven… looks silly now…
Posted by elin on April 19, 2010

Seems I can’t resist a competition…
And I’m no writer… but I am a painter, so I have to try the illustration. I paint houses. And I am cheating, as far as I know, I’ve never painter a nr. 11.. but we can pretend, can’t we? Please pretend this is nr. 11, and therefore the perfect illustration of the number…

http://elinbrissman.com/eleven.html
Posted by Meg on April 19, 2010

Three and a half thousand miles between us. I miss you.
Posted by Patrick on April 19, 2010

Whenever I enter competitions, I lose. This could be because I’m just not good at them (or things in general), but equally it could be that I don’t think differently enough to win. This time, I’m going to try to. The way I will do this is by replacing all the “OR”‘s up there in the post with an “AND”. Yes, I’ll try and do them all. So! Here we go, starting with the Eleven word story:

He loved her, but never knew her. One day, she disappeared.

Ah, how nice. Nice to leave things to the imagination like that. Okay, what’s next? Hmm, something I did that affected someone else? Ah, got it.

You might know about The Game. It’s basically a game, well more of an irritation than a game. The aim is not to think of The Game, or you lose. So right now, while reading this, you’ve lost. Yes, it’s a bit pointless, but once it’s in your head it never comes out. All my friends play, so about once a day on facebook someone will post “I lost the game!”, thereby triggering everyone who plays the game to lose it.

As a side note, more info on The Game can be seen at http://www.losethegame.com/ Back to the story:

So, yes, one day a few months ago, I lost The Game. I don’t know what triggered it, it might have just been a random thought from nowhere, but whatever it was, I had lost. Now, I was on facebook at the time, and a lot of friends who play were online. So, in a bit of meanness (it’s a word) I thought I’d tag them all in one big post, so they were all alerted to the fact that I’d written “THE GAME” in the post.
I did this, and was amazed (and amused) at the load of comments I recieved from angry losers! It was fun. We were chatting to each other, like you do in facebook comments, until I had to log off. I said my goodbyes, and left.
Little did I know that whilst I had gone, everyone was plotting my doom. They had decided to post “THE GAME” on my Facebook wall a couple of hundred times, so I would be bombarded with notifications next time I logged on. And boy did it work. I regretted that afterward.
However, two of these offenders/evil geniuses, my school friend Ollie and drama friend Tilly, who didn’t know each other had struck up a conversation on my wall (thanks for the notifications again, guys) after Ollie had seen Tilly’s profile picture, on which she is wearing a Muse t-shirt. Ollie + Tilly both love Muse, so they started chatting about that.
When I came back I began making fun of them (because I like to be childish), to which they were both replying things along the lines of “Shut up, Patrick”. I decided it was wise to shut up, and didn’t get invloved.
The two continued to chat each day, until one day Ollie confided in me that he was starting to like her. Like, like like her. After my initial “eee, I knew it”, I left him alone with it. I did, however, invite them both to my party (it was my birthday party) so they could meet in the flesh, so to speak.
The party came, and after a little awkwardness, they were really getting on well with each other. They were having a lot of fun, the highlight being their duet of Guitar Hero (Ollie can’t sing, Tilly can’t play guitar).
Anyway, a few days later me and Ollie were chatting about nothing in particular, whilst he was talking to Tilly over msn or facebook or some similar whatsit. Suddenly he sent me the time honoured phrase: “OMG”. Tilly had just asked him out. He of course accepted
That was 3 months ago, and it is nice to see that my little annoyance of “The Game” can grow into things like that.

Good! Nice to do a real story, but in less that 11 words. Now, I need to pick a group of eleven things. So, this is my comedian crime fighters!

1. Mark Watson (your good self) – power to explode people if they say “inferr” instead of “imply”. Supername: The Marks-man.
2. Tim Key – power of magic; with the right words A whole poem, with carefully chosen words, could kill a man. Supername: The Key.
3. Tom Basden, with his Guitar of Power- each string does a different thing, like lasers, mind control rays etc. Supername: The Guitar Hero.
4. Michael McIntyre – talks so loud all his enemies are deafened. Supername: Sonic Mac.
5. Russel Brand – records mean messages on people’s phones, then throws the phone at people. This power only works once. Supername: The Brandinator, with his sidekick Wossy. /cheapshot
6. Jack Dee – power to share his point of view of the world, instantly disabling them. Supername: Jack Dee (anyone hears that, they’re going to run)
7. Noel Fielding – power to utterly confuse everyone, all the time. A little rubbish, since no-one is immune. Supername: Mr. Wha?
8. Kevin Bridges – don’t anger him, or he shall invoke the power of Scotland on you! Supername: The Scottish One,
9. David Mitchell – power to utterly bore everyone. Ah well. Supername: Mitchell David (no-one will suspect it’s him!)
10. Jimmy Carr – Jimmy: “Tell me a joke” Bad guy: “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.” Jimmy laughs. Bad guy: “NO! OH GOD, IT’S HORRIBLE!”. Supername: The Carrinator.
11. Tim Minchin- his hair is in fact a pair of nunchucks, which he will use with deadly accuracy. Supername: The Darksider.

So, that’s my team. Nice, hmm? Wow, this post is getting long. Maybe I should skip one. You know, I think I will, for everyone’s safety. Think of the children!

Moving on then, to why I want this. As you can tell by my mammoth post, I do really want to win one of the five, if not simply to make this worthwhile! I worked very hard for all that, and didn’t need to lie once, which I bet a bunch of other’s did to get their win. So, thank you for putting up with reading this, and I hope you appreciate the extra seven miles of paper and mile of effort I put into this. Thank you, goodnight.

Patrick x
Posted by Darren on April 19, 2010

11 word story:

She looked at him inquisitively; ” Will we ever know the answer?”
Posted by Corey on April 19, 2010

My entry for the prize comes in the category of ‘things you do which trigger consequences’.
10 years ago exactly on 1 May, my friend Rob and I were in New York to watch Oasis play at Radio City Music Hall with tickets we’d brought before we went. During our stay but before the gig we went down to HMV where the band Travis were doing an acoustic set, as we were queueing some of the staff went round with a competition with the main prize being tickets to the Oasis show we were already going to. Yep, we won more tickets!. We were out in a bar that night and we got talking to a couple who invited us to their house to stay to save money on accommodation, a very kind offer which we accepted and offered them the tickets as a gift. They wanted to go, but they had a huge argument (not sure about what) and they decided not to go after all, so we still had 2 spare tickets. The night of the gig, we went to the venue and we decided that under no circumstances were we going to sell them, but instead we’d find somebody who really needed them. It was nearly time to go in for the support act and we still hadn’t found anyone ‘worthy’ so we accepted defeat and went to go in when a girl and a lad passed by us looking really upset. Needless to say we went after them in hot pursuit and found out that the lad had one ticket to see his favorite band of all time Oasis, and as his friend didn’t have one he agreed to sell his one ticket in the hope that he could afford to buy 2 new tickets. They did this, but the tickets he bought were fakes and they had been turned away. Thats when we saw them. We gave them the tickets (which they couldn’t understand at first) and they got in. Once in, the girl came over to us and kept thanking us and invited us out with them later, luckily for us she worked at the Comic Strip live in NYC and we spent all night drinking and laughing. That was 10 years ago (sorry it wasn’t 11 for continuity) and those 2 people are my very good friends Nick and Chrissy, people who I have enjoyed many holidays with in America and over here ever since.
Sorry about the long comment but I couldn’t sum it up in either 11 words or on a tweet!!
Posted by Conor Mulheir on April 19, 2010

my eleven word story:

a boy entered a competition to win a book he wanted.
Posted by Custard Cream Dreams on April 19, 2010

My 11 words:

Saw someone who looked like Ross Kemp buying vegetables in Morrisons.

I know it’s not a great story: the real Ross Kemp doesn’t buy things; he glares at them till they follow him home right?
Posted by Jon on April 19, 2010

Entering two categories at once. My eleven favourite eleven word stories:

Nigel’s face bore the telltale swoosh of his mid-tattoo sneeze.

Pain in my chest. Indigestion? Probably. I reached for my iPhone.

Sir Anthony Greaves sat on a log and ate a Peperami.

His mum told him he was named after Costello, not Presley.

‘You’ll get square eyes,’ Faye told him. Technically, they’d be cubes.

Karen’s dad encourages his talentless daughter. Her screech is his punishment.

Pam’s botoxed face remained emotionless throughout. Three hundred pounds well spent.

He really fancied Beyonce. She fancied Beyonce too. They split up.

It was a close shave in a literal sense. Not metaphorical.

Leonard’s life was agony. Stephen won an oscar for playing him.

Man in office wants to leave but needs one more story.
Posted by Simone on April 19, 2010

My 11 word story:

Airport departure lounge. A hug. The sensation stored in her memory.

I won’t be in Edinburgh until the 14th, but I will be in London in September.
Posted by Megan on April 19, 2010

Why I should get the book: I don’t read enough for a literate person.

Here is my fake team of 11: Awesome Canadian place names that aren’t Dildo, Newfoundland or Vulcan, Alberta.

(The funniest named places I’ve actually been to in person are Bastard Township in Ontario and Twatt in Orkney.)

(My creative brain is not on today, hence making a related-to-nothing-in-this-post list.)

1. Snafu Creek, YK
2. Nameless Cove, NL
3. Asbestos, QC
4. Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!, QC
5. Head-Smashed-in-Buffalo-Jump, AB
6. Shitagoo Lake, QC
7. Mushaboom, NS
8. Community Punch Bowl, AB
9. Spuzzum, BC
10. Nonsuch, MB
11. Mosquito-Grizzly Bear’s Head-Lean Man, SK
Posted by Michael rich on April 19, 2010

My 11 word story- bob the zebra goes to space battles aliens bob becomes king.

It’s a sci fi adventure called bob the zebra and the aliens.
Posted by Misha on April 19, 2010

I’ve just re-arranged my bookshelves into colour order. This isn’t a story its true and possibly tells you a little bit abut how much I like books. I also appear to own a metric shit ton of the bastards as well but that’s not stopped me and neither has a lack of pennies, but I’ve read almost everything my local library has to offer which isn’t much good.

So erm, I can’t decide, so here are two “entries” of sorts.

Stepping back he shook his head in disbelief as he cried.

And a little story I think I told you before but I’ll say again because its nice. A few years back i stayed up all night, and sent a text into the local radio station, the DJ on air rang me back during a song and we chatted for a bit because I couldn’t sleep and he was lonely. And then he went back to his job and I went back to lying awake. The call wasn’t ever broadcast to fill time, he was just lonely.
Posted by AlNapp on April 19, 2010

and PS, IIf I won one ‘d also post a review on Play.com
Posted by AlNapp on April 19, 2010

not an entry as such but, who needs 11 words?

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/14.11/sixwords.html
Posted by Sarah (@Goosecg) on April 19, 2010

Once upon a time in a land far far away there…

Oh poopies. I’m not that great with the short story thing.

I shall be around on the 11th, I’ll keep the day free!
Posted by Kate W on April 19, 2010

You just love a competition, don’t you?
Still pondering my actual Give Me A Bloody Book! entry, but I’m so in favour of your nomadic book launch that I think you should do it even though I won’t be in Edinburgh on 11th. So a London version in September would be very gratefully received. Please. Thank you.
Posted by Rose on April 19, 2010

I know you said to describe how something I have done had an unexpected effect on someone else, but instead I’d like to tell you about how some very small events changed *my* life. Hopefully that’s ok.

I am from Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. I am currently living in Melbourne, Australia where I am on exchange at uni for 4 months. How did I get from Canada to Australia? It started with a song.

When I was in grade 12 (in 2007), my friend played me the song Hello by an Australian band called The Cat Empire. I got quite obsessed with this band (understandably), and got all their CDs and listened to them on repeat and raved about them to all my friends, etc. I started listening to their side-projects, like The Bamboos and Jackson Jackson, and because of this I got quite in to Australian music. This led to me hosting a show of Australian and Kiwi music on a community radio station in Victoria, BC (Katie came up with the title ‘Beyond the Boomerang,’ which I rather like).

I also started rabidly checking YouTube every day for any new clips of The Cat Empire playing live, since they weren’t touring in Canada any time soon. One day, I found a clip of Harry and Felix playing with Australian musical comedy trio Tripod on a now defunct Australian TV variety show called “The Sideshow.” It was actually an interesting first song of Tripod’s to hear, because Yon has the lead vocal line, which is unusual for Tripod. In any case, I thought ‘That song was quite funny’ and did the typical YouTube thing of clicking a related Tripod video in the right hand column. That decision changed my life.

It turns out that there is a WHOLE WORLD of REALLY FUNNY COMEDY out there! I quickly went through Tripod’s substantial repertoire (I also joined their fan forum, but that’s another story full of its own amazing coincidences). Then I started branching out. Tripod has performed numerous times at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala night, which is an evening of comedy that launches the festival and is broadcast on national TV, and features many of the festival’s bigger acts doing 5 minute spots (such as Mark, whose segment can be seen by heading over to trusty YouTube!). I started watching other comedians who were on the Gala, enjoying their material, then searching for more, and thus began my foray into Australian and British comedy. (I guess it makes sense to point out at this time that I live in Canada, and I find the majority of Canadian and American comedy to be un-funny. I’m sure if I actually lived in Australia or the UK I would have figured out that comedians are awesome a lot earlier.)

Within a few months, I had surrounded myself with Australian culture: comedy, music, radio shows, TV… all of my cultural references were Australian but no one around me knew what I was talking about. There was also something about the vibe of Australia that just plain appealed to me. I thought I had my life all sorted out: I was going to university once I graduated from high school. I would do my degree, and that was that. But things had changed. I knew that I wanted to go to Australia. And not just for a vacation. For a good long time, to soak in the concerts and gardens and laneways and sense of humour of Melbourne. (I might also state here that I come from quite an unadventurous family, so if you’re thinking that it’s not a big deal to hang out in another country for a few months… well, you’re clearly a lot more bold/active than my family.)

I knew that I wanted to go to Melbourne in particular because of the comedy festival in March-April. It wasn’t a hard choice! During my first year of studies at uni, I applied to go on exchange to Victoria University, Melbourne. A few months later I heard back: I was accepted! Fast forward to now… The Comedy Festival has just finished, and I saw a grand total of 45 shows, virtually all of which were stellar (my highlights were The Pajama Men, Tim Key, and Asher Treleaven). I have now been in Melbourne for two months, which is by far the longest I have ever been away from home. It’s a gorgeous, vibrant city.

Without my friend Katie, without The Cat Empire, without Tripod, and without YouTube, I wouldn’t be living in Melbourne right now. I wouldn’t have found all sorts of great music and comedians, and decided to move to another continent. I wouldn’t have met all the brilliant folk who I have encountered over the past eight weeks. I wouldn’t have a radio show in Canada, I wouldn’t have experienced the wonderful craziness that is Sam Simmons, and I wouldn’t know just how PASSIONATE I can get about the arts!

Mark, what this kind of boils down to is that I probably wouldn’t have ever gotten to appreciate your comedy and your writing if it weren’t for my friend Katie playing me The Cat Empire’s song Hello. I am so massively grateful to her for that, and grateful in general for all the opportunities that keep presenting themselves to me.

By the way, I finally did see the Cats live in November of last year, in Victoria. I even got to interview Felix for my radio show. If you had asked me three years ago if I thought I would soon be interviewing famous musicians and living in Australia, I would have shook my head and called you Pinocchio.

(Oh dear, that wasn’t brief. Sorry.)
Posted by Zoe on April 19, 2010

My reason why you should give me a bloody book is I’m too poor to pay for it but I’m a bloody good writer so I’ll give you a good review!!
Posted by Dave Bowers on April 19, 2010

Asked Icelandic barman for ‘ice in that’ – never again

or

Boy meets girl; boy screws girl; taxpayer funds happily ever after
Posted by Heidi on April 19, 2010

Team of celebrities in my dreams;
1- Eddie Izzard on Dancing on Ice, singing
2- David Mitchell trying on clothes in a train station
3- Stephen Fry drinking tea in a war zone
4- Angela Lansbury at a car boot sale
5- Edwina Curry campaigning in Tesco carpark
6- Bill Bailey dressed as a fox giving directions
7- Dara O’Briain zombies (they all had his face)
8- Fern Cotton sitting where I wanted to sit
9- Phillip Glenister as school monitor
10- Parminda Nagra helping after a train crash
11- Stephen Fry teaching philosophy in a circus tent (he turns up in my dreams a lot!)

Clearly I need something to occupy my overactive imagination
Posted by Paula on April 19, 2010

My eleven word story, in a topical vein.

Election. Promises. Pleading. Spin. Voting. Counting. Waiting. Result. Announcement. Celebration…………………….
…………………………..Dissatisfaction.

Good luck with the book.x
Posted by Rosanna on April 19, 2010

Hmm.. I’m gonna go for an 11 word version of Titanic:
“I love you. Love you too. What’s that? Oops. Goodbye boat”
Well, that’ll do I suppose
Posted by Jason Dass on April 19, 2010

Football team of politicians:
GK: John Prescott (flaps at crosses and gives in to pressure, had previosuly retired but will surely come back).
DR: David Milliband (the young, prosperous hope).
DC: Chris Huhne (old class act signed on a free because only a handful of other team members have been heard of).
DC: Margaret Thatcher (Strength, never gives up and has to be forced off the field of play when injured/substituted).
DL: Nigel Farage (in the team to keep up recognition of the smaller parties – I mean nations).
MR: George Osbourne (Battle of the Chancellors, I mean wingers. Currently first choice on the right flank).
MC: Vince Cable (Cultured, experienced midfielder. Sits in front of the back four and provides calmness and sense).
MC: Alex Sammonds (Scottish, bull-terrior. Gets into scraps and is frequently dismissed for violent conduct).
ML: Nick Clegg (Never far behind the front two, he provides the option of change, width and can surprised a few by stepping up a gear when it counts).
FW: David Cameron (Lethal, liked by few but provides the goods).
FW: Gordon Brown (Slow and sluggish, rarely scores but will he get a second chance in the team?).

Sub 1: Nick Griffin (Sorry, I have to represent all parties)
Sub 2: Ed Milliband (1st team break through is surely on the horizon following the success of his brother).
Sub 3: Ming Campbell (experienced head but not at one with the modern game).
Sub 4: Jack Straw (due to injuries makes the bench, but surely only just!)
Sub 5: Lord Mandelson (Intelligent, calm and collected. Lord Mandelson provides hope for when Gordon becomes injured).
Posted by Sarah (@misswiz) on April 19, 2010

‘And the man said ‘No, I won’t’. The girl turned away.’

I know my story doesn’t have quite the same plot structure as the others, but I like it when the reader has to do some of the work themselves. If I don’t win, I’ll buy the book…which may give you reason not to pick me but, hey, thems the breaks I guess. As seems to be a pre-requisite of reading your blog, I am also very nice.

Oh, and I’ll be Edinburgh on the 11th too.
Posted by Sarah B on April 19, 2010

My 11 word story

Got Married. Had baby.Not all it’s cracked up to be.

ps will be in edinburgh 11th august would love to be involved.
Posted by Heather on April 19, 2010

Oh man, I’d been planning to get to Edinburgh around the 15th, but I may need to rethink that if there are book related highjinks to be had!

Glad to hear your streak remains unbroken! I was worried there for a bit, but the time difference always does my head in, so I’m never sure when to check for a new post, and sometimes I’ll think I can leave off reading a post, reasoning that it’ll still be the same day for you when I wake up the next morning and I can just keep reading and not have fallen behind, only to discover upon waking that you’ve gone and made a new post just to confuse me! … You may think that that is not your primary reason for making a new post in these instances, but deep down we both know it is

And I love those short-short stories. I think my favourite is “Vortex! Help, I’m trapped in a Time” and “Dress removed carelessly. Head, less so.” Although I can’t remember who wrote either of them.

I quite like yours as well, Sarah!
Posted by Sian on April 19, 2010

My 11 word story.

Woman wins book. Watson wins fan. Is a win win situation.
Posted by Shell on April 19, 2010

My eleven word ‘true story’ – ‘Maisie’:

Shivering, hungry puppy rescued at twelve weeks. Reciprocal adoration for life.

(Addendum: Maisie is now ten and lives with me and Bryn, a similarly adorable and adoring lurcher. He’s twelve and was instrumental in building up her confidence and making her feel secure.)
Posted by Redsushi on April 19, 2010

Story:

A fish grew legs but was killed by a mean priest.

End of Story.
Posted by Vee on April 19, 2010

I got laid off from my job in London when the dot com bubble burst in 2001. What started as a plan to take a few weeks off before looking for a new job ended in a 362 day solo round the world trip that started just 3 days after the 9/11 attacks – a feat in itself that I got away as planned. My trip covered Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Antarctica, Ecuador / Galapagos Islands, Peru, Mexico, USA and Canada – no time to add Asia as well. Themes in planning the trip were wine, wildlife and national parks. My last birthday before the trip I had received my first ‘proper’ SLR camera; I took 15,000 photos on my trip. I met fantastic people and am still friends with many all over the word. I was walking though Machu Picchu with a Swiss friend I’d palled up with on the train journey there and he said “someone’s calling you’ I said ‘no they’re calling Dee or Lee or something, no one ever calls ‘Vee’”. But it was a former colleague who was laid off from the US office of that same dot com company, on her trip around the world – and we met in a square in MP! As a result of that interest in wildlife photos I started going to the Wildlife Photography exhibit they have every year at the Natural History Museum – which is where I met my partner 7 years ago. We go back there every year to see the exhibit and say how we could do better than that and make imaginary plans for trips all around the world – but this time I’d be in a pair not solo.
Posted by Jo B on April 19, 2010

Man grows, writes book, offers to Jo B ends days peacefully.
Posted by Andrew P on April 19, 2010

I’ll be in Edinburgh on the 11th, 100%
Posted by Issey on April 19, 2010

eleven word story:
There was a girl who very much wanted Mark Watson’s book.

Oh and also I’m a lovely person and being a student, can’t afford things like books : ( but I really want to read it and don’t want to resort to theft.
Posted by Michael King on April 19, 2010

The Top Eleven Uses for Walnuts:

1. A shelled walnut is a veritable feast for a small rodent – feed one to your hamster as a treat!
2. A walnut in its husk can clog a very specifically-sized hole!
3. Ground walnut shells make for an excellent ingredient for a home-made exfoliant!
4. Walnuts are rich in fibre, B vitamins, magnesium, and antioxidants such as Vitamin E!
5. Chopped walnuts are an exciting and nutritious addition to any salad!
6. Walnut oil makes for a good oil paint thinner!
7. Unripe green walnuts can be used to make your own home-made liqueur!
8. Black walnut shells are used as a filler in dynamite!
9. Walnut husks can be used to create a rich yellow-brown dye!
10. Walnuts are believed to warm and hold qi in the lungs in the field of traditional Chinese medicine!
11. Walnuts can be used as an offering to Mother Goddess Vaisnav Devi!
Posted by Vee on April 19, 2010

will be up for London event in Sept – sadly not travelling to Edinburgh this year, am considering how best to enter the competition! xx
Posted by Sarah on April 19, 2010

Here’s my 11 word story
Girl runs away, gets lost, starts a new life. She is happy.

It’s not exactly (or anywhere near) Dickens, but it’s still early in my part of the States.

Also I post reviews at my book blog, on two livejournal reading communities and on amazon on a regular bases
Posted by josie on April 19, 2010

dear mark watson,
i am a poor student who is very poor.
and i really like mark watson. who is you.
i would be an ideal person to give the book to! i’m very influential, i promise.
and i read the blurb on the amazon link and it sounds really rather good.
go on, can i have a book?
Posted by rachel (pandora) on April 19, 2010

I’m going for the ‘small event triggering a lot of consequences’.
I broke my ankle playing basketball when I was 14. I’m now 21, and 2 months away from graduating and qualifying as a physiotherapist.
My ankle’s inability to remain stable whilst jumping up and down (harder than it sounds apparently) led to GCSE choices, A-Level choices, moving to Birmingham to study, training for three years and planning a lifelong career of helping other people breathe properly, walk again, playing professional sport, and hopefully save a few lives – I currently claim that I’ve saved three single-handedly.
Whilst being treated I met some excellent people, who seemed to love their jobs. Now, despite being regularly covered in vomit and various other substances, I can say that I feel the same.
So there we go. My own clumsiness = career.

I’d also like to say I am incredibly nice, but I have little evidence to actually support that.
Just take my word for it.
Posted by Mark Woodhouse on April 19, 2010

Give Me A Bloody Book!

Icland, waiting: Aircraft failing (engines ailing). Employment curtailing! New occupation, whaling…?
Posted by Clo on April 19, 2010

A personal story of eleven words -

Got dumped, moved out. Missed cat. Stole cat. Feel much better.

Inspired by true events.
Posted by Matthew on April 19, 2010

I keep getting evil letters from my bank and I like free books? I mean I know it’s not exactly the reason of the century. But I really like books, I really like free stuff, and I really hate my bank.
Posted by h2osarah on April 19, 2010

Here’s my 11 word story: Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Tragedy. Resolution. The End.

Also, I’m definitely in Edinburgh on 11th, and definitely up for any mayhem, but you knew that already. Also, I’m pretty nice, and capable of making sad puppy eyes at you until I win a copy of the book. http://twitpic.com/1gu283
Posted by tom on April 19, 2010

the 11 worst people in the world:
edwin van der sar
gary neville jonny evans nemanja vidic patrice evra
ryan giggs paul scholes darren fletcher darron gibson
antonio valencia wayne rooney

in no way am i bitter
Posted by Louise Hendy on April 19, 2010

Okay, just proving that I am an “ace person” to get the book…
Well, when I was 12 I had a poem published. That’s cool right?
Okay, reading the poem back, it is the lamest thing in the world but I got a “talent for writing” certificate for it.
-smug face-
http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll290/louise010/Image46.jpg

and with regards to spreading the word on Twitter… I managed to make my own name a Trending Topic last year so I’m sure I can spread the news about the book http://solutious.com/blog/2009/05/05/louise-hendy-day/
Posted by @BexQuillerdrive on April 19, 2010

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eleven-Mark-Watson/dp/1847379680/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271689530&sr=8-1

at work will leave proper comment later for now…… here’s the amazon link

Give me a bloody book! – competition

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