Can I Help You? 2
Before we start, thanks for all the comments on my brief appearance in the C4 Comedy Gala. I never watch my own TV appearances – I took my twin sisters out for curry to avoid this one, for example – so I’m heavily reliant on people’s reassurance. It seemed to go down well, and I briefly became a Twitter Trending Topic, fulfilling a lifetime ambition. And by ‘lifetime’ I mean ‘since mid-2009′.
Also. Edinburgh. On Friday I’ll do a blog about this strange institution, simultanously the most loved and most dreaded festival among comedians. But for now, tickets to my show are on sale here: http://www.assemblyfestival.com/. It will be the same show I tour with, but a shorter version. It should be the best of my five full-length shows as I’ve put even more work into this one than usual. Please come. But if you can’t, come to the tour. Or if not, we’ll work something else out. Thank you.
And now welcome to the second instalment of ‘Can I Help You’, the self-important feature in which I field agony aunt-style questions from readers of this blog. I apologise for the longish wait for these questions to be answered: I was surprised by how many asked things first time round, and had to split them over two separate blogs. Keep the questions coming and, remember, you can/should pitch in with your own answers to anything you feel qualified to talk about. This is a democracy. And all this comes with the usual disclaimer that I don’t have any qualification to give advice on these or any subject. I’m simply a Concerned Citizen.
By the way it’s been pointed out to me that Richard Bacon does almost this exact thing on his 5Live show. I’m not too worried about this, as virtually every aspect of this blog involves things which are being done elsewhere. Besides, has Richard had to tackle any questions like these…
(This week I’ve nominated a Star Letter, just for fun).
*STAR LETTER*
EMMA I’m living with someone who I don’t think particularly likes me. I try and be friendly and do my share of cleaning, etc., but she thinks I’m naive and selfish. We don’t chat much, and the houseshare came about because she needed somewhere quick and lived next door to me previously.
I am aware I can be naive and selfish, but I’m working on it; I just wonder if anyone has any tips to make living with her easier.
This is an interesting one. As someone else has already remarked, the fact that you have the self-awareness to say you can be naïve and selfish suggests you’re not particularly guilty of those things. My advice would probably be not to focus on the idea that it’s something to do with your personality defects. Some people just don’t click, especially in situations like a hastily arranged house-share.
But keep doing what you’re doing. Things may well get easier. If they don’t, remember it’s not forever – you can just admit it didn’t work out and go your separate ways. As for trying to make things smoother, this might sound like rash advice but maybe try getting drunk with her just once if it’s possible. It can be amazing for getting to the bottom of these things.
KATIE I’ve been seeing a guy for the last month or two. he’s wonderfully gorgeous in most ways, but when he drinks he totally changes… On Friday he went AWOL and i didn’t hear from him. then i got a mail yesterday night from his ex telling me that they’d spent the night together. He admits this is true and is devastated. I just don’t know what to do. He’s since also admitted that he’s on antidepressants and shouldn’t be drinking anyway. So do I tell him to get lost or do I give him a chance to go back to the doctors, get some counselling and sort his head out? Confusing.
Very difficult. There’s not really any excuse for this sort of behaviour, either a month into a relationship or ten years, but the depression/medication does present some sort of extenuating circumstance. Hard to know without meeting him, but my instinct is you should have a ‘serious talk’ and get him to sort his head out and then give it another try. What do other people think?
MEG My problem is: Our cat has just died (aged 18 – pretty impressive for a cat) and my autistic 11 year old brother is devastated and needs cheering up. Also, he is having a massive nose bleed. There’s blood everywhere. Any ideas?
Hmm. I hope, as it’s over a week since you posted this, the nosebleed has cleared up – otherwise you’re looking at a haemorrhage. I’m a nosebleed sufferer myself so I feel his and your pain. Or rather, not pain so much as pointless, irritating mess.
As for making up for the cat’s death, is another pet a possibility? If not, I’d suggest just spending as much time with him as possible. What he misses most is the love and companionship. Your attention should make it easier to get over the cat. Let us know how this goes.
CATHERINE I am looking for a partner who is from UK but lives in Spain part of the time. Most important requirements are to be able to make me laugh and love dogs. Oh, one other thing. I would prefer a male. Where am I most likely to find this person?
Quite a specific Lonely Heart, because of the Britain/Spain thing, but feel free to put yourself forward in response to this. I would guess that there are websites where Brits living in Spain can get in touch with each other, but you’ll have thought of that for yourself. Hmm. This week, there was a possible romance between two readers of the previous ‘problem solving’ blog, so let’s see how this plays out…
RACHAEL Hi Mark et al, my problem is simple, how do I cope under the increasingly mounting pressure without turning into a blob? I am currently doing a MA in Social Work and apart from finishing my dissertation at present (all 20,000 words of it) I am also on placement in a social work team and doing actual social work, which is lovely but also filled with wake-up-in-the-night stress over not doing/being good enough. My current coping mechanism is serious amount of food, especially sweets, chocolate and cake and with little time to exercise I am worried that I may start to resemble Rik Waller.
Suggestions anyone? and it cannot be alcohol as I will be frowned on drinking in work.
Firstly, don’t put ‘not being good enough’ type pressure on yourself where it’s possible to avoid it. Social work is enormously demanding and you’re doing a good thing by getting involved in it at all: be kind to yourself.
Lots of people use food as a coping mechanism and it may not have as drastic an effect on your weight as you think, because the stress will be keeping the pounds off, at least to some extent (I’m a good example of this). But I’d suggest talking it out with people as much as you can – you might find you turn to food less then. Also, if there’s a form of exercise you particularly enjoy, try to make space for it, however little time there is in the day. Even 15 minutes makes a big difference. Again, I’d like others’ suggestions here, because I’m pretty bad at reducing stress levels.
I never normally read books of this kind but I would recommend a book called ‘Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff’ to you and anyone else interested in minimizing stress. I’m pretty cynical about self-help and the title alone almost stopped me reading it, but it was actually really helpful and full of insight.
LOUISE I’m 15 and my GCSEs are scarily close *gulp*. I’m choosing my A-level options now, but I’m really freaking out about choosing the wrong things.
I was just wondering what you wanted to do when you were 15? Did you have it all planned out, or did you just choose things you enjoyed and then see where it went? I don’t want to spend the next two years doing subjects I don’t like, but my parents want me to take maths and french instead of psychology and music because they reckon it’d look better on my CV and stuff.
So yeah, do I do what I enjoy or do what will get me furthest? Any wise words would help.
I don’t want to stir up trouble between you and your parents but I would strongly come down on the side of doing what you enjoy, rather than what you think will be a good career move. This is an emotional reaction really because one of my best friends at school allowed herself to pick A Levels based on her parents’ wishes, rather than her own, and it caused her massive problems. But I do think it makes sense to follow your true passions, without wishing to sound like a hippy, because you’ll really struggle if you don’t. A Levels are tough, both academically and as a phase of your life, and you can’t afford to be doing something your heart isn’t in. There are plenty of career opportunities opened up by subjects like Psychology and Music. Go for those.
ALICE Also, Bristol doesn’t happen to have a dungeon does it? I have all these facts about the bubonic plague and no outlet.
Everyone knows I love Bristol and it has almost everything, but not, sadly, a dungeon as far as I know. I’ll ask around, though.
MATT Well, advice on how to actually stick to things (writing projects) and not editing oneself into oblivion would be most appreciated.
What I tend to do is write things to the end, then go back and edit everything, rather than editing as I go along. I do edit a bit while the work’s in progress, but not enough to get bogged down. It’s very hard to sustain motivation if you’re editing so much that you never feel you’re getting anywhere. So turn a blind eye to what might be wrong with what you’re doing, and just get your head down and write. You can go back to it any time.
SPENCER In the last 9 months I’ve thrown myself into two new projects, a comedy act (and blogging about the journey of said act) and writing a novel (draft 2 complete). (I didn’t set myself a TYSIC about these two things because I was already doing them.) I’m not arrogant enough to think that success in either field will be handed to me on a plate – or even to assume that I will be successful at all – but I’ve read enough advice to realise that you’ve got to continue to believe in yourself, and work hard, when the knocks repeatedly come in. How does one maintain that self-belief without looking like an arrogant prick?
Preserving self-belief without becoming a twat is one of life’s key skills, especially in ‘jobs’ like writing/stand-up where self-confidence is essential to your survival. As I have said enough times, confidence has been a huge problem for me, my main nemesis in life, in fact. I think, though, that if you’re the sort of person who would ask a question like the above, you’re unlikely to become an ‘arrogant prick’. True arrogance comes when people don’t question themselves. So you should keep on assuming that you have a right to do this, and you will be successful. If you’re wrong, you’ll find out, but until that moment, you have to believe it. Such an assumption won’t tip over into arrogance unless you start treating other people badly as a result of it.
MADELEINE For the last week I have been occcupying my thoughts with trying to work out whether Thom Yorke is saying “alive” or “allowed” in Idioteque – maybe that could be a question for you.
Pretty sure it’s ‘here I’m ALLOWED everything all of the time’.
SARAH My question is TYSIC related – I’m trying to learn the elusive art of putting myself in a good mood – and what I’d like to know, is what you do to cheer yourself up. Simples.
I throw this open to the group. For me, talking to friends, wine, watching sport, a nice long walk/run, and certain types of pop music tend to do the trick. But good moods are the most elusive of commodities, so any suggestions welcome. Sarah’s TYSIC can be found at http://www.tenyeargoodmood.blogspot.com/.
HANNAH Are the chickens we eat roosters? It seems wrong somehow. But hens need to be kept for eggs, surely, and roosters must be born quite a lot, and not needed.
So what do you think? I don’t think you’re some kind of chicken-fancier or anything, but you might have come across the answer at some point.
One person has already volunteered an answer to this. For me, it definitely comes into the category of Stuff I Wouldn’t Know. Anyone else?
LAURA How can I convince my better half that, after 10 years together, it really is about time we should at least talk about getting married? I don’t mean him grunting a response at me when I mention hog roasts and how nobody will be allowed ketchup at our reception, but a proper conversation which might result in him at least agreeing to think about a date at some point in the future. I have already chosen my dress, damn it! And we’re thirty – it seems like a good age to do that sort of thing.
It really is very dispiriting when people who are younger than you start getting hitched, and you have to pretend to laugh when all those bloody relatives keep saying, ‘Ooh, it will be you next’, or ‘Get married before I die’.
Thanks!
You made me laugh with the ‘get married before I die’. Hehe. Dark, but funny.
One note of encouragement is that quite often, men appear not to be remotely interested in the subject of proposing, and then they spring it on you. (This was certainly what I did, but I realise not everyone has the luxury of popping the question at the end of a 24-hour show.)
Following on from this – and generalizing without knowing your man at all – a lot of blokes are pretty fidgety when their women talk about things like what the reception will be like, and how they’ve chosen their dress already. So I would suggest a ‘softly, softly’ approach. Men, in my experience as a man, like to feel they have things planned out, and everything is their idea. You might well find that if you back away from the subject and keep patient, he will surprise you by returning to it.
I should also point out that in this day and age, it is socially acceptable, and indeed rather cool, for YOU to just come straight out and propose to HIM. Why not just grasp the nettle and do it?
CARL I’ve recently started a new job in Southampton but have no where to live. I am staying with my girlfriend’s parents, who wonderfully offered to put me up for 4 weeks. But after that I’m on my own.
I was wondering if you could use your powers to hunt down any TYSICer in the same area who has a room to rent or, like me, is moving there or even has a friend in the city? I know it’s a long shot and I must sound incredibly creepy, but I promise I don’t hurt that many people (joke) and am a tidy house mate.
If anyone can help Carl, get in touch via this blog. There must be some people reading in Southampton. If nothing comes up, we may have to make it a fun group challenge to solve the problem by other means.
GLAMLOVINKITTY Mark, I’m 38, and so a lot older than you. Is there anything I could answer for you?
There’s quite a few things. I’ll try a couple. Firstly, why can’t people understand if you’re listening to music in public, you have to use headphones? Secondly, what I can usefully do about the fact that pretty much all women feel under pressure to lose weight in order to be more attractive, even though it tends NOT to be more attractive? Everyone knows it and yet it never changes. I can’t change it, but is there anyone in particular I can kill, or any other small improvement I might make?
Well, that was fun. Any other questions on any subject, post them as a Comment and we’ll do this again next week, or whenever there are enough to make up a blog. This was Can I Help You? Thank you and good afternoon.
Posted by Knox on May 9, 2011
Aw – so much brilliance and loveliness – in this blog and in the comments. I do want to add some, but am a bit stupidly tired, so will waffle and make no sense.
I did just want to elaborate on my sort of question from the other day though re: charity gigs. I’ve organised a load of stuff before, and know I can be a bit cheeky, trying to get stuff for free for charity. What I particularly wanted to know was:
- how long before do comedians tend to need to be likely to be available
- should i be offering to pay for transport and stuff?
- how long should each person get on stage (or does this just depend on how many people i can get?)
- are you in London in September ;o) ?
Posted by Madeleine on April 15, 2010
Hey Mark,
Something that really stresses me out is trying to keep up with everything thats going on with movies, music, books every moment of the day. If someone asks me about a movie I haven’t seen, a song I haven’t heard or a book I haven’t read I feel like an idiot and a bit of a failure. I lie awake thinking about things I have to watch or listening to, current and from the past.
I know that realisticly, not knowing the track listing of Automatic for the People, or who was the assistant editor on Pulp Fiction probably won’t hamper my life’s future sucess, BUT STILL. These are all things that I love so much, but I’m worried that if I keep on this way I won’t enjoy them anymore, I never want to feel like listening to music is a chore.
I’ve backed myself into a corner a bit as the “pop culture” expert of my friends, so I guess what I’m looking for in this question is permission to not know or be wrong once and a while.
Oh, and you can kill all the talented, gorgeous, lovely men who are dating the models, stick thin singers and actresses (I’m looking at you Alex Turner) because thats where most of the pressure to be thin comes from for me.
I can’t help thinking that if these guys who could have anyone want the skinny girls, then that must be what all guys really want.
Posted by Emmy on April 15, 2010
Oh and also (sorry for the disjointness of this), given that so much comedy has already been written in the world, how do can you be sure that the joke you are about to tell hasn’t already been told? That’s one of my greatest fears, thinking my stuff is original but stealing a joke that I didn’t even know existed.
Posted by Emmy on April 15, 2010
Bit of a late entry for this but I figured I’d put it out there anyway…
Part of my TYSIC is to at least perform some stand up comedy. I’m not looking for fame here, just want to dip my toes in and see what happens. I’ve been writing a lot of what I think may be stand up material, but not having done this before, I’m not sure what is the proper way to do this. At this point I have alot of random brain spillages and nothing coherent.
So, my questions are:
1) After brainstorming and scribbling stuff down, what next? How do you consolidate everything coherently?
2) How do you know when what you’ve written is performable? Do you get a gut feeling or just think, fuck it, i’ll wing it?
Thank you muchly, Mark.
Posted by Emily on April 15, 2010
I know you have answered something related to revising already but:
I have 2 mostly Chemistry based uni exams soon, one in ~2.5 weeks, the other in ~4.5 weeks. They are both extremely difficult, I haven’t studied enough (read: at all except limited amounts for assignments) during term and I know it’s my own fault. If I was to take either exam tomorrow I’d certainly not pass, and probably not even manage 1 question. I need to do well in these exams, they help determine what honours project I get in my final year next year. In short, I’m screwed.
The further away exam I’m *hoping* I can learn through past paper questions for the most part. It’s not as difficult overall but is more boring meaning I have less inclination to study. The closer exam though… I have no idea how I’m going to do it, I don’t know enough basic Chemistry let alone the difficult stuff, I’ve been avoiding looking at it because I know I’ll just get upset if I do. I would follow the past paper method again, and will to some extent still, but most of the course is with a new lecturer writing new questions which will therefore be in a different style to the past questions. We have so much information and little to go on what he’ll ask and how he’ll ask it.
I think what I’m really asking for is advice on how to stay calm and not panic and how to not be overwhelmed by the huge amount of impossible stuff I have to learn in a ridiculously short amount of time. The more I’m typing this and thinking about it all the more upset I start getting about it, I’m annoyed at myself for not working earlier, I always do it but I’ve not learnt my lesson. I just don’t know how to get started/be time efficient without having a breakdown in the process.
Posted by @BexQuillerdrive on April 15, 2010
The issue I’m having is should I go to Uni before it’s “too late”?
I’m 25 and currently working in an IT Job that’s very unique, which means if the company folds i’m screwed.
I haven’t got any A levels as i was so busy gigging as a jobbing Musician (drums/vocals) i didn’t want to waste the time with studying, but my GCSE’s were good.
I completely fell into this job by accident but it was fortuitous as just after i got the job, my partner lost his job and he’s been out of full time work for nearly 3 years.
Now I’m starting to wonder if i better go to uni so i have more options?
plus I’m currently the only source of income so if i did go to Uni I’d have to work out how the bills would get paid.
A lot of this is me freaking out as one minute i was 19 and now I’m 25….how did that happen.?!
I also think this might be connected with the miscarriage i had last year, maybe I’m trying to replace one exciting life changing event with another.
Maybe I’m just a bit stuck.
thanks for listening…
Posted by Adam on April 14, 2010
Hi Mark,
) So I was wondering if you suffer from similar problems such as checking to see if someones commented on your blog, or how many followers you have on twitter etc. If so, what do you think I should do to stop this?
My query is thus;
I’ve started writing a football blog, much similar to your excellent Back of The Net site, for my TYSIC. My problem is that I can’t help but keep on checking it all the time, seing if I have any new followers, if anyones written any comments etc. I don’t really know why, as I don’t care too much if nobody reads it, it’s for my own enjoyment more than anyone else (although you can find it at http://www.hoodiesforgoalposts.blogspot.com
Cheers
Better head off to check the old blog.
Posted by Rose on April 14, 2010
Alright then, Mr Watson. Your advice, if you wouldn’t mind, on yet another query about stand-up comedy.
I’ve been doing gigs here and there for just over a year, but very sporadically and more really as a hobby than with any ambition. This included a show at the Camden Fringe last summer which was an utter delight.
My problem is I’m starting to take the whole thing a bit more seriously, and trying to do more gigs where I can get them, but I get very easily knocked off-course when I’m not comfortable. I’m hugely influenced by the atmosphere of a show. I can fluff all the words and forget what I’m doing in a place where I like the audience and feel relaxed and be fine about it, but if I do my stuff well in a place I’m uncomfortable with (the recent fairly conservative cricket club, for example) I want to pack it all up forever.
My question is how do I bounce back from that?
Also, it’s always so hot onstage and no matter how much water I guzzle I always get a really dry mouth. Tips on that?
Thank you, sir.
Posted by Meg on April 14, 2010
Here’s an update on my problems – thanks for the help Mark and Misha!
My brother’s nosebleed stopped about half an hour after I wrote that post so that problem is resolved. Also, we are looking for kittens. We’ve rung around everywhere (by ‘everywhere’ I mean the RSPCA, the Blue Cross and several animal rescue places) but we can’t find any. They’ve all told us that this is the ‘kitten season’ so there are bound to be more around soon. Does anyone know of any kittens around the south-east area?
Posted by Corey on April 14, 2010
One of my problems is knowing how and what to do with comedy ideas I have. Do I put the work into a book (from the sounds of what you have said the process can be extremely frustrating), do you write and bombard producers with scripts, get an agent or just do the simplest thing and make a scaled down version for youtube? But can ideas be picked up by posting on such sites and is there a risk an idea may be copied?. Also working a 5 day 9-5 life time is scarce to work on these things anyway, at some point if I was going to take a career in comedy seriously is it worth giving up guaranteed income??…..any advice would be valuable!!
Posted by Louise on April 14, 2010
Uh, I’ve got a question for ‘Can I Help You?’:
Is it cheating to ask two questions? One of them’s quite small. I’ll start with the biggie:
There’s this guy who I’ve liked since about September last year, In November I told him how I felt and turns out he did like me, but he liked my best friend more. So, I was understandably pretty gutted but I really, really liked him so I just kind of pretended I didn’t mind that much and we kept being great friends. Then I heard some whisperings that he didn’t fancy her anymore and if anything, I liked him more than I had previously so I went for it and talked to him again. Turns out he did still like her. Either that or he didn’t but he just didn’t like me and thought he was sparing my feelings.
We still talk, we’re still great friends and I still fancy the pants off him but something’s not the same, I’m not good in social situations at the best of times and it’s all I think about when I’m with him, so I suppose I just feel a bit awkward. I really want things to go back to the way they were before everything because he’s absolutely amazing, and even though I can’t go out with him, he’s a great friend(not my best, but my favourite. If that makes sense) I don’t want to talk to him about it because any normal person would have gotten over everything by now. So, I’m just kind of here, yearning as it were.
oh and number 2 is I need help motivating myself to revise for my gcses. I know I need to, and every day that passes whilst I haven’t done any makes me feel so guilty but I just don’t want to and everytime I sit down to do some, I manage to find something much more interesting to do. I am currently here, writing this and also playing this pokemon trainer dress-up game instead (http://img.420chan.org/f/src/Pokemon_trainer_dress_up_.swf)
Can you help me?
Posted by The Professor on April 14, 2010
Dear Aunty Mark
Is it ever OK for a teacher to begin a relationship with the parents of one of the children they have taught? Does it matter if that child is still at the school?
Posted by helen on April 14, 2010
my question:
How should I do my hair? I try to embrace my natural big hair look, but I seem to end up more Charles II than Charlie’s Angels. It also provokes comments such as ‘oh no, is it stormy outside, your hair is everywhere. oh, it’s not? it just looks like that normally? no, no I like it. it’s – what’s the word – distinctive. yes, distinctive, you don’t see many people with hair like yours now, do you?’ which is the kind of thinly-veiled insult I would rather do without.
Posted by ShineUrShoesGuv on April 10, 2010
I need to sort out some music for my friends party, there’ll be a very wide range of ages and tastes there. My question to you Mark is what song makes you just have to boogie?
Posted by ShineUrShoesGuv on April 10, 2010
LOUISE. I just thought I’d back up Marks advice really. When I selected my A levels I was strongly encouraged to take French by my dad as I’d got a good GCSE result. His heart was in the right place and just wanted to give me the chance to get the best A level results. However the result was without me realising quite how many lessons I skipped of that subject at the end of the term I came close to being kicked out. Fortunately I dealt with it, swapped onto a new subject which actually interested me and ended up studying the same at uni. Only you know what you really want so make your decision based on what you want to do rather than anyone else, it’s a good habit to get into.
Posted by Clembear on April 8, 2010
Katie – I completely echo Emmy’s very smart advice. If he will take responsibility for himself then cool, if not, I’d probably walk.
Louise – Have a think about what you’d like to do at uni and then take courses that get you to do that. If you don’t know what you want to do (like i did), I’d go for a nice range of stuff because its more flexible. And remember, you can always do more A-levels when you’re older if you feel you picked the wrong ones.
Mark – encourage people to never read fashion magazines. Less exposure to unrealistic and impossible images = more happiness. And compare photos of the 90210 cast from the 90s and from the remake. And wonder why we went from normal, healthy looking to tiny stick people.
Posted by Laura on April 8, 2010
I’m not sure if a second question is permitted, but walking home from work I was inspired to ask another.
Why do van drivers/lorry drivers think it is socially acceptable to honk their horns at you (and by ‘you’ I mean women, not specifically you, Mark, although this may indeed happen to you) just because you happen to be walking next to the road? I appreciate that, as neither a van driver nor a lorry driver, you may not be the best person to ask but it bugs me. Is is some sort of genetic throwback to neolithic times? A kind of modern day equivalent of grunting ‘woman’ and clubbing someone over the head?
All theories appreciated.
Posted by Laurs on April 8, 2010
Mark,
I’m seriously considering a move from the west midlands to London. Any advice, hints, tips, pros/cons about this decision? Asides from my friends, I don’t have anything else to keep me here if that makes a diffference.
Thanks x
Posted by clara81 on April 7, 2010
Some great advice there Mr. W et al!
With regards to womens’ weight issues – I have IBS so my weight fluctuates wildly. At the times when I’m kinda ‘curvy’ (so much nicer than fat) I wish I was skinnier, and when I’m skinny I wish I was curvier. So I guess it’s not just down to media images and so on, but the usual “grass is always greener” thing too…
It takes years for changes like this to sink in – just look at the way opinions have changed on drink-driving and wearing seatbelts. So my guess is that the things that are starting to happen now like using normal sized models and encouraging healthy eating, will start to have an effect eventually, but it will take time.
Posted by Sarah on April 7, 2010
Mark, this is more of a question about blogging. I have my own 10 year blog going (in year two. YIKES) and I’m finding it hard to find interesting things to write about. On more occasions than not it’s turned a list of things I’ve done that day. So I guess my question is how are you coping with writing every day? You’re topics are always interesting and interactive so i’m pretty impressed.
Posted by Kate on April 7, 2010
Laura who asked about relationships – It doesn’t matter how much ‘experience’ you get in a relationship, they never seem to get any easier because all relationships are different. Just have fun socialising with people you get on with and things will just happen. BTW when I was 16 I’d only ever had 1 boyfriend, so you are way ahead of me.
Question for Mark – There’s a guy I know who after 10 years of being friends, I finally got together last week, but now he’s being really weird and ‘matey’ as though nothing ever happened between us. He’s happy to chat, but doesn’t appear to want to make any effort in getting together again and has ignored all of my efforts in this area. But everyone keeps telling me that he’s been interested in me for as long as we’ve known each other. Question – is he just having an attack of nerves, or is he in fact a player and a bit of a twat? I’m pretty sure I deserve better after 10 years of friendship.
Posted by Sarah on April 7, 2010
Thanks for linking my efforts Mark – and answering my question. Thanks to Anna and Kate for offering responses too – I completely agree with both of you. My ideas were/are eerily similar to yours Kate – I’ve made a playlist to spread the happiness to others (strangers hopefully) and am compiling a geeky Happiness Spreadsheet here: http://www.tenyeargoodmood.blogspot.com – I need as many of your suggestions as possible please! Thank you lots.
Laura – you made me laugh too! But perhaps this is the problem – does he know, seriously, that you would really like to be married? Perhaps ask him outright if you are confident enough?
Posted by Glamlovinkitty on April 7, 2010
It’s true Mel. No compliments sink in. I’ve been with my partner now for 8 years and you’d think that would make me accept that he actually does want to be here, but if he ever tries to compliment me, I don’t believe him. I think when you have a negative view of yourself it doesn’t matter what anyone else tells you! I wonder to myself, what does this man want to be with such a fat heifer for.
I’m not even that fat. I should lose about a stone. But I somehow have this idea that if I lose that stone, I’ll suddenly feel massively better about how I look, when in reality I know I’d just then start to focus on something else – like, looking old!
Posted by Mel on April 7, 2010
Oh Mark, you truly are gorgeous.
I can answer your two questions, kinda. I was recently on a train with some of my year 9 students (who are 15) who proceded to turn on their music without headphones. When I asked them to put them in they honestly didn’t understand why they should. “kids these days” tend to think that they’re music is awesome and everyone should want to hear it. These tend to be the same kinds of people who answer their phones in cinemas too (which these students did too). Lack of respect for others.
I can and can’t answer your question about the way that women feel about themselves. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do. Tell people honestly when they look good. Compliment shapely women maybe (i was a bit happy the other day when my boyfriend told me that Nigella was his celebrity free pass). Keep saying things like you said.
But, honestly, you can only do so much. I have a lovely boyfriend who tells me I’m gorgeous but i always mentally follow it up with “that’s not true, you’re just saying that”. I worry so much about the circumference of my thighs and how perky my boobs are that I don’t stop to hear the nice things people are saying. So how do I change that? (wasn’t going to post a question, but there you go?)
Posted by Beth (@Doomed1) on April 7, 2010
Katie – Id highly recommend you read ‘He’s just not that into you’ (Ignore the film!!!) that book helped me amazingly with relationships and working out what was really going on! There is a section in there about guys with depression. And the main advice is leave it. Let them sort themselves out! Which id agree with! But the book will word it better for you! Good Luck, hope it all works out for you! B x
Posted by Glamlovinkitty on April 7, 2010
Maddie – that all made perfect sense to me.
I too came from a small town like that and, although I wasn’t settled into a relationship by the time I started uni, I totally understand what you’re saying. I felt there was much more to life than leaving school, getting a factory/shop job and having kids by the time you were 20, as the majority of my schoolfriends did.
I’m 38 now and still don’t live the life of a person in her 30s – and neither do most of my friends (none of whom are from my school days or old home town). All but one of us has chosen not to have kids, and so we still, to a large extent, live the lives we had in our 20s. Sure we have mortgages and bills and jobs but we go out when we want, we do what we like, and we look how we like!
You were very young when you met your partner. Your late teens, and your 20s, are usually a time of massive character development, and my experience was that going to university brought about the biggest changes of all. I can’t imagine how I would be now if I hadn’t had that experience.
I am sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I think the fact that you’ve posted the question up suggests you might already kind of know. You’re going to really transform yourself with your uni experiences. Your partner’s likely to stay as he is. It may be that, in the end, you just have nothing in common. Six years isn’t a massive gap when you get to late 20s or so, but your gap crosses over some pretty significant life stages. Live your life, but don’t let your partner stifle you.
He’s probably trying to encourage you to stay the same because he’s worried you might change and either meet someone else, or just decide you have nothing in common and leave him. That might happen.
My advice would be to talk this through with him. Let him know you want to stay together but that he needs to support you and try to, in some ways, change with you. If he isnt willing, then I think that’s your answer.
Posted by Laura on April 7, 2010
Katie – Many years ago I made the mistake of cheating on my lovely boyfriend (I never slept with the other chap but there was an emotional attachment which, some would argue, is worse) I suspect I was in a similar position as your boyfriend is now – all over the place mentally and dependent on alcohol to make myself feel better. I would advise against giving him the heave-ho straight away – unless he has been physically abusive with you – but you should definitely make it clear how much he has hurt you. My partner and I had been together longer than you and your boyfriend so had more invested in it and, thankfully, he gave me another chance and we have been rock solid for several years now. The main point is that he has to accept that he behaved atrociously, he needs to commit to making amends on a daily basis; I don’t mean buying you gifts or taking you out, but making little changes every day. I gave up alcohol for quite a while to sort myself out and prove to my beloved that he was more important than the confidence I got from being drunk. You can definitely get over it if he is willing to put in the effort; I don’t agree with ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ – people can, and do, change,
they just have to know why, do it for the right reasons and commit to it.
I hope it works out for you, whatever the outcome.
Posted by elin on April 7, 2010
To Steph, on the losing of voice.
I lose my voice all the time… only thing I’ve found that helps, is a combination of trying to shut up and never letting my flask of tea with honey out of sight. Well, you must do more than look at the flask… So drink hot things with honey, and shut up, and hopefully there’ll be some voice for you when you need it!
Posted by Maddie on April 7, 2010
Great advice Mark! (And everybody else who has posted!)
I have a ‘Dear Watson’ (/Watsonians) of my own: -
My fiance and I have been together for nearly five years (since I was 16), there is an age gap of 6 & 1/2 years, which until recently has never been of any significance.
I started university in September and at first it was fine, he has always been quite supportive and it didn’t bother me that a lot of the new people I was meeting were single and going out all the time ( lots of them started straight from college and have less responsibilities etc). But now, as I have developed actual friendships and figured out where I fit in to it all, I have come to realise that I don’t think my partner actually ever expected me to go to uni or indeed plan to do anything productive with my life, it seems to him it was possibly more a ‘fantasy’ than a reality.
We live in a very small town where it is not uncommon for people my age to already have children, be married/ in a relationship and most of them seem to act like the world begins and ends at the ‘welcome to’ sign at the top of the road. It seems that as a couple, we are somewhat left out of the ‘cool club’, because all of our friends are now settling down and having children, and yet for us, I am the reason we are not like them. University seems to have opened up doors for me that I had never wanted to go through, until now.
It seems that my life at home has become never going out, if we do it is to the local pub for a couple of hours or round our friends for the evening because they have to be in with their baby. This is all fine and dandy, but if I bring up that I would like to go out with my friends, or go to an event, I am scorned for wanting to do something different, and he never wants to join in with me. This then leads to me not doing the things I want to do incase he gets in a mood about it, and often the phrase ‘well, you haven’t ever wanted to do that before’ is frequently thrown my way. I think sometimes he forgets that I am only 21, and whilst I do love him very much I need to be able to go and have some fun, before I we get married and have children, and that he has already had his turn with this part of his life. I do not want to be living the life of people in their ’30′s’ (sorry for the assumptions and stratification there), before I am even 22.
I am concerned that I have changed as a person and now want different things, but I do still love him very much. Is there a way of telling him that if he is not happy with me wanting to have a life outside of our little town, perhaps we should take some time off? Or is that not the answer?
Deary me I’m very confused!! Any suggestions?
Also, I hope that makes sense, there’s an awful lot to it!!
Posted by Alex on April 7, 2010
Any advice on how to make myself do the moutain of work I have to do for uni, when:
a) I’m not sure I’m even going about it in the right way
b) Even if I am, it’s definitely not going well, and I’m not sure how to do it right
and…
c) I feel like I been constantly examined and assessed since I was 14 and I am truly completely bored of it?
I’m struggling for motivation really.
Posted by Sarah on April 7, 2010
Hey Mark,
I’d just like to mention again how brilliant you were at the O2 Ch4 Comedy Gala. I was there, but also watched it again last night and laughed just as much
My question is, is it possible (and if so, how?!) to get across to someone how amazingly good something is (eg the TV show ‘Lost’) without making it seem SO good that when they watch it, they have such high expectations that it’s impossible for them to be impressed by it, or without annoying them so much that they’ll never even give it a try?
Also, I have a little bit of advice for Louise, about choosing her A Levels. I agree with Mark – choose what you enjoy. When I chose my A Levels, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do as a career so I figured that if I chose what I enjoyed, I’d have a better chance of ending up with a career I enjoy. I chose Applied ICT (the one I really wanted to do), Maths (the one I sort of wanted to do and would look good on my CV) and Film Studies (one I hoped would be a bit of fun and quite interesting). And it turned out well – I didn’t go to uni, I got straight into a job I enjoy. I’m a web developer, and when I chose the IT A Level, I hadn’t even thought of that. So I’d say to go with what you enjoy. If your parents really don’t like that idea, maybe you could think of a compromise? Perhaps, choosing 2-3 you want and one that they want? I hope that’s at least a little helpful.
Sarah x
Posted by Steph on April 7, 2010
I’m losing my voice but I’m supposed to be helping a friend out by acting in their radio play on friday. How can I make it come back? Or at least pull it through the few hours I need it on Friday? I’ve taken the heavy strepsil usage before and it left me unnable to enunciate.
Posted by Glamlovinkitty on April 7, 2010
In answer to your two questions:
1. The headphones thing is a particular annoyance of mine. The worst bit is, the culprits DO know they should be wearing headphones. But they’re the sort of people who wander through life assuming none of the rules apply to them. They don’t have any hesitation about smoking on public transport, or dropping litter, or stabbing people in the face. They’re arrogant enough to think people want to listen to their chipmunk music/sectarian crap (maybe just a Glasgow thing?)/whatever. All we can do is pity them, listen to our own music (through headphones of course, as we’re good boys and girls) and feel grateful we didn’t have our brains removed at birth.
2. The weight thing, ah yes, I have some experience of this one. I’ve been on and off diets since I was about 25 (when things all went wrong, body-wise) and one of my TYSIC goals is to lose a stone. Speaking from my own experience, there’s a complicated web of reasons for wanting to lose weight. I don’t buy this nonsense about it being the fault of ‘the media’ – the models you see in vogue or cosmo are so scrawny they look hideously ill, nobody wants to look like that. But there is still the widely held view that being slim is more attractive that being fat. I hold this view myself. It seems that, if you’re slim, it doesn’t matter if you’re actually pretty – so if, like me, you weren’t particularly blessed in the looks department, you kind of think, if I lose some weight I won’t be so bad. I thought by 38 things would change, but I’m still every bit as self conscious as I was when I was 18 (more so, probably, because now I’m self conscious about looking old as well). Fact is for many of us, if there’s any little thing we can do to try and make ourselves feel better about how we look, we’ll do it. No amount of ‘but I love you just as you are’ type comments will cut it, because we don’t believe them. When you have a negative body image, you forget the 100 ‘you look great’ comments you might have received from loved ones and fixate on the ‘you fat pig’ one you got from a stranger in the street about 15 years ago.
Problem is, losing weight is HARD. And feeling like you fail at it makes you think, fuck it, and eat 300 cakes. It’s a very demoralising vicious circle, but it’s equally demoralising to feel like a big heifer when it seems everyone around you is effortlessly svelte.
Yes, there is someone you can kill. Jeremy Clarkson. Not because he has any bearing on why women want to lose weight, but simply because he’s a giant cock. See what you can do.
x
Posted by Madeleine on April 7, 2010
Thank you Mark. I knew it was allowed, other people on the internet disagreed, I shall never doubt myself again.
Laura – I’m 17 (well, just about) and I’ve not had one boyfriend, and I think the important thing is not to stress about it. I have a lot of trouble taking this advice, and I know exactly where you’re coming from with the “I’m fine looking, a nice enough person, why don’t I have a lovely boy to tell me how attractive and witty I am?!” (although that may be just me…). Just focus on having a nice time with your friends, leaving the house occasionally, getting involved with things that you like and hopefully for both of us it will all work out. There’s not really much we can do about it other than that so better to focus on other things.
A little update on my emotional TYSIC – as part of being a more confident and happier person. I am a massive fan of this political comedian called Jamie Kilstein (sorry to use your blog to pimp other comedians Mark) and this radioshow that he an his girlfriend do, and I always wanted to write in with rapturous fan mail and questions for them, but I never did because I assumed I would look like a massive idiot. Yesturday I finally did it, and got a reply straight back, saying thank you so much and that they would try to read and answer my questions on the show. This basically blew my tiny mind and I had to go sit down for a while and was definatly the best thing to happen recently. So we’ll call that one a TYSIC success. A small one, but important to me.
Posted by rachel (pandora) on April 7, 2010
excellent advice as always mark.
i have another whiny question. here goes!
i’m (hopefully) graduating in July. I’ll be a qualified physiotherapist, and from completing over 1000 hours of placements, i know its a job i do genuinely enjoy. however, this whole growing up thing is freaking me out quite a lot. i’m 21, i’ve been away from home for 3 years, i can drive, pay my bills and things, but the idea of working 37.5 hours or more a week from now until i retire is really depressing. i know i’m lucky to be heading into a job that i love (assuming someone will hire me), so why does it make me miserable?
any advice for me and others who are about to become what my mummy refers to as ‘REAL PEOPLE’?
Posted by Matthew on April 7, 2010
Charlotte Edmonds – It’s always worth trying to push your doctor for a referral if you’ve not had one for a while to an ENT doctor.
My honest questions to you would be:
Do you need to tell anyone? What positive will come of telling from people? Who do you need to tell? People can still discriminate a lot even when totally unjustified you could find it changes the way people would treat you.
If you decide you do want to tell people, I’d be open and honest, saying something like “I can struggle to hear, it’s not a big problem except if it’s noisy but if it seems like I’ve not heard you or don’t understand that’s probably why”
I don’t know if you find that any help.
Posted by Matthew on April 7, 2010
Katie- Get out of the relationship. I’ve seen this from all sides before, it can improve but almost always it doesn’t, mostly it gets worse. Depression is a serious illness, but it cannot be used as an excuse for poor behaviour (A reason for?Totally, but never an excuse). The drinking is a risk for all sorts of nasty things, both for him (self harm, further drug use etc) and a serious risk to abuse or violence to you. Alcohol is very dis-inhibiting, especially when combined with other mental illness. I think it’s safer to leave now than further months or years down the line, and also appreciate how difficult advise that is to both hear or follow. If you stay with him, I think it’s important to advise him to seek medical attention and be honest about how it’s drinking.
Posted by Anon on April 7, 2010
Hello. I am posting this without my name because there is a very small chance that some one I know will read this, and as a result, stuff will happen. Basicly, there is a girl I have known for quite a few years as part of my social circle, and always quite liked. About a year ago, we became good friends, to the point that she is now my best friend. She seems to be the only person I can really talk to about anything, and who understands my perspective on everything. She knows me better than anyone, and we are best friends. However, I also like her as more than a friend. Normally I would go to her for advice on something if I wasn’t sure about it, but as this is about her, I can’t really do that with out changing our friendship quite dramatically, and as all of my other friends are in a similar social group, if I told one of them, it could lead to some uncomfortable situations. That is why I cam to the conclusion that asking you was probably the best idea. So, basicly, I can ask her out, which would mean I get a yes or no answer. Yes would be amazing, and I would be over the moon. No would mean that not only would I have been rejected by her, but I would not have anyone to talk to about it, as talking to her would be very uncomfortable. There is also the fact that I am unsure if she still likes her ex-boyfriend. They split up about 3 months before I started to get to know her better, but that was because he was moving away. However, he is back here a lot, and I get the feeling she might still like him. On top of that, I am aware that two of my friends have asked her out, and she has said no, but not why, which could be a good or bad. No matter which it is, both times were incredibly stressful for me, as I was there. Trying to not show the feeling of dread I felt when they each asked her nearly killed me. I could just not ask her, and hope that in time, my feelings for her pass, so that I can keep my best friend, but I don’t know if I could take it. So, to sum up, my social life is a massive cluster-fuck, and because of it, I can’t ask anyone other than you for help without the risk of making it even worse. I know you can’t give a definative answer, because there isn’t one, but someone else’s prespective on my situation would be very helpful. Thank you.
Posted by Charlotte Edmonds on April 7, 2010
I hope this isn’t verging on spamming but I’ve just thought of a Please Can You Help?:
I was diagnosed with a hearing impairment 5 years ago, when I was about 15. My ears will pick up sounds fine, but neither they nor my brain process the sounds properly. It was a shock at first, especially as I’m a musician (though it explained a lot!), but I’ve accepted it and now just think of it as a part of me. My problem though, is that I still find it stupidly difficult to tell people, even though I mishear a lot – especially when there’s a fair amount of background noise, or on the phone. (It doesn’t even count as a disability as defined under the DDA because it’s not quite that severe.) So my question is this: has anyone any ideas how I can pluck up the courage to tell people, especially my work colleagues?
Posted by Charlotte Edmonds on April 7, 2010
Mark, that was a really useful comment about women: thinner =/= more attractive. I’ve never felt under pressure to be skinnier, personally, other than the pressure I’ve put on myself. I’ve always wanted to have a boyish figure (marvelled at how slim you are, it must be confessed) and had, in this context, the misfortune to have some petite female friends and some very skinny male friends. So of course comparing a normal figure to those really wasn’t helpful. Thankfully I’ve never had the willpower to diet so I’ve never been in danger of becoming underweight, but I’ve never been particularly happy with myself. It’s stupid – I couldn’t care less how other people look! So especially coming from someone so slim, that’s food for thought and could well be really helpful.
Also it’s quite encouraging to know that you struggle with confidence, and yet somehow manage to stand up and perform in front of thousands of people. There are different facets of confidence with which people struggle, and it’s unlikely that I struggle with exactly the same thing that you do. But knowing that you’re a pessimist by inclination, and don’t have all that much confidence in yourself – and yet still put yourself out there – is really very encouraging indeed. More food for thought! So, thank you for the blog and for letting us know this about you
(I was toying with the idea of posting this comment anonymously because the figure thing is not something I’ve admitted before, but then realised that that’d just be wimping out.)
Posted by Carl on April 6, 2010
This certainly is something you should continue, Mark. A natural talent.
Thanks for the shout out, feel like I’m outstaying my welcome at the girlfriends parents house, so excited by the prospect of fellow Watsonians helping me find a place to rest my head.
Love to all x
Posted by Joelle Stanton on April 6, 2010
Seeing as you’re in the business of comedy and all I feel this is an appropriate question.
Which is better to go to, Edinburgh Fringe or Melbourne International Comedy Festival? I ask because my big plan of the start to life in the big, real world begins with taking a year off after school to work and save up enough money to go to one of these during the year after, then work until the start of the next year to go to uni. Would you advise against that either?
If I was to do Melbourne I’d probably end up going to Adelaide Fringe and what not as well in the same year and then Edinburgh after I finish uni and have a proper job and stuff in general sorted out. There are so many things you can do. Who’s idea was that?
So which would you choose to go to first if you had to choose?
Posted by T on April 6, 2010
Katie – I wouldn’t hold out too much hope for this guy. He’s got a lot of issues and there’s probably not much you can do to help. He needs to work this stuff out on his own. And just because he regrets sleeping with his ex doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. If I was you I’d get out before I got too emotionally involved (I say this now after learning the hard way in previous relationships).
Posted by Kate on April 6, 2010
Mark, you make a splendid agony aunt. Good advice by the truckload here!
Almost certainly less well-advised thoughts from me:
Louise – unless you end up deciding you want to do something incredibly specific, what grades you get at A-level matters more than what subjects you chose. If you’re doing something you enjoy, you’re much more likely to do well than if you’re plowing through out of duty. And Mark’s right – A-levels are hard (harder than my degree was, I think), so don’t make them harder by doing subjects you’re not enthused about.
Sarah – make a list of things that put you in a good mood or that you associate with feeling good (mine would include clean sheets, thick-cut marmalade and the smell of coffee). Keep the list – tape it to the wall, write it in a notebook, save it in your phone, whatever – then you have an immediate choice of things to lift your mood. Just the list of things can sometimes be cheering, but if they’re things you can easily get/do, all the better. I really liked some of the ideas in your blog, “happy tax” etc, which might be a good place to start.
It all depends on how your brain works, but my three top tips would be a tub of bubbles (of the blowing variety), shiny confetti (that kind that says Happy birthday or whatever and is infinitely re-usable) and the following playlist – you may loathe and despise my taste in music, but hopefully something here will strike a chord and start a list:
Light and Day/Reach for the Sun – The Polyphonic Spree
The time is now – Moloko
Ain’t nobody’s business – Ella Fitzgerald
I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor – Arctic Monkeys
Blister in the Sun – Violent Femmes
By The Monument – Maxïmo Park
The Changingman – Paul Weller
She’s So Lovely – Scouting for Girls
What have I done to deserve this? – The Pet Shop Boys
Take your mama – Scissor Sisters
Don’t Get Me Wrong – The Pretenders
My Baby Just Cares for Me – Nina Simone
Lady Day and John Coltrane – Gil Scott-Heron
In These Shoes? – Kirsty MacColl
Tears Dry On Their Own – Amy Winehouse
Misha – good ways to remember quotes completely depend on how your brain works. I have quite a visual memory, so can remember things by thinking about how they look on the page and what shape they are. Writing things down repeatedly also helps, as does using different colours or putting them on different sides of the page (e.g Macbeth in the left-hand column, Lady Mac on the right). If you’re more audio-visual, have you tried putting a quote to a tune and singing it, or giving it a rhythm you can drum to (easy with iambic pentameter)? I know quite a few actors who record themselves saying lines and then listen to it over and over till it sticks. Think about things you find easy to remember and how you absorbed them; that’s likely to be the method that will work for you.
Posted by lisa brunders on April 6, 2010
That was a lovely, insightful, amusing and inspired blog Mark. Brilliant. I’m so glad to be a lifer.
Sadly I fell asleep before you were on last night, was not pleased with myself
Posted by EmmaT on April 6, 2010
Great advice Mr Watson, you are fantastic.
I have a problem for you:
Welcome to my world… I lose things all the time. I will put something down and then go and do something and then go back to get the aforementioned something and… it is gone. I have lost parking tickets between the machine and the car, I have lost my driving lisence in Ireland (luckily the kind taxi driver sent it to me), I have lost countless purses, I lost an entire bag of shopping between my hotel and LAX airport, then a day after lost my sunglasses… on a plane (we travelled overnight as well – why did I have them out anyway?). I am a mess. It is starting to cost money (like today I had to relace my ipod) and this just won’t do. Have you got any advice on how to change my ways? This may not be easy as this has been my life for the last 27 years but any help would be great. Although I have just read this essay of a post back and it would seem I may be beyond help.
Posted by Laura on April 6, 2010
Thanks, Mark, and all the other lovely people who have posted advice about my wedding-phobe chap. I like it on here – everyone is so nice!
Emma – I was in the same boat as you for a year at uni, except the other girl and I were actually friends before it all went tits up and she became a borderline psycho. I would concur about getting drunk together but there is definitely a limit to how drunk you should get. Perhaps offer to share a couple of bottles of wine with her but try not to bring your concerns into the conversation early in case she is of the prickly persuasion – timing is key! As sad as it is, sometimes these things just won’t work out and if you can reach a comfortable compromise then that is the best that can happen (as is the case with my former friend).
Laura – I have been in a, mostly, very happy relationship for 10 years and I didn’t have a single boyfriend during school (so you are well ahead of me there). Boys were just never interested in me. Going to university changed all that and I did very well for myself indeed before I settled down at the grand old age of 20. I remember how unhappy it made me when I was 16, the fact that I couldn’t get a boyfriend to save my life but, with the guys I met in my first year at uni, it was never an issue. I totally agree with Emma – don’t go looking for a boyfriend, it will just serve to make you even more unhappy. Easier said than done, though, I know.
Spencer – you sound like the least arrogant person around. I wish I had your courage to put myself out there like that. And I do want to elope – sod the relatives!
Mark – Emmy has it spot on. You are magnificent.
Posted by Iona on April 6, 2010
Firstly, that advice was genius and really uplifting!
And Mark, you’re helping already by pointing out that thinner is not more attractive. I’m a 16 year old girl and therefore by default insecure. Though I’m (quite) comfortable with my body, it’s a generally held view by my friends and I that thinner is better. And there are conversations where we complain about how “fat” we are and how we try to outcompete each other for fatness. It’s really bad and we are all healthy weights!! But don’t know what we can do about this problem, make Cheryl Cole get fat?
Personally, I need advice on how to choose which university to go to as it has suddenly become important that as well as revising thoroughly for AS levels we need to decide where we want to go for university, ‘read around’ our subjects and generally prepare for life! Also advice on how to get into a good university (preferably Oxbridge) would be much appreciated.
Posted by Rachael on April 6, 2010
I second Emmys ‘Mark you are magnificent’ sentiment. As for things that put me in a good mood it tends to be things that help me escape reality, like a good book or movie. Failing that, sometimes I relive good times in my head and it brightens me up.
Posted by Megan on April 6, 2010
‘Secondly, what I can usefully do about the fact that pretty much all women feel under pressure to lose weight in order to be more attractive, even though it tends NOT to be more attractive? ‘
I wish I knew. As I get older, I am more accepting of my ‘flaws’, but definitely not immune to media images of ideal women. Though, now, I’m more of a Christina Hendricks wannabe than anything else, which I suppose is a step up? Even though it’s completely unrealistic? Bah.
Also, I am in good health, between biking and running, I go 80-100km a week, and I can shop at the uppermost limit of sizing at non-plus-size stores. That’ll do for me. Besides, my style tends to kindergarten teacher chic, so it’s not like I need to be a size 4.
It took a LONG time to be remotely accepting, though. Being the tall (5’10) girl in my group of best friends through school (all of them under 5’4 and TINY) made me feel ogreish.
—
My question: How can I be more disciplined about writing? I find that the rest of my life has been impeding my drive/creativity lately and I have the attention span of a methed up butterfly. I’ve had several script/story ideas in mind for YEARS, but haven’t properly started writing them yet.
The only professional writing I’ve done, though, has been for a non-profit’s corporate newsletter and a government website — hardly inspiring, nor good experience for creative writing. I think the only things that got me through those projects were strict deadlines and semi-draconian supervisors. How do I make myself scare myself into writing?
Posted by Spencer on April 6, 2010
Thanks very much for the reassurance/advice Mark. You are a true gentleman and role-model for a man with aspirations such as mine.
Matt – Have you read ‘On Writing (A Memoir of the Craft)’ by Stephen King? King offers some very good advice akin to Mark’s about writing/editing your own work and how to avoid certain pitfalls. I found it well worth a read.
Laura – Do you think your other half is scared of getting married or fearful of having a wedding? If you think it’s the latter, and the option of doing something that’s not a traditional wedding might appeal to him and potentially make him more enthusiatic. (Eloping worked for me and my wife but I guess this won’t necessarily appeal to you if you want to please the relatives you speak about!)
Posted by LisaD on April 6, 2010
Rachel: my mom is the faculty advisor for Human Services majors, so there’s a bunch of people in my life with this very problem. Try and calm down about not being good enough, being awesome at social work as with anything else takes time and practice, but caring enough to get that stressed is a sign that you’re better at it than you think. And find time to exercise, Mark’s right about 15 minutes making a difference and it’s also really effective at stress reduction.
Louise: I spent years of my life endeavoring to make my family happy with what I was studying. All this did in the end was make me more and more depressed and make studying harder and harder. Go with what you love, do well and they’ll come around.
Posted by Jackie on April 6, 2010
This one is for Louise:
My advice is definitely to follow your heart. There are loads of different career paths out there, and you are more likely to find a career you enjoy if you start out with qualifications in topics you enjoy.
I had no idea what I wanted to do at your age – I think very few people do. So I went down the route of picking subjects that were academic and pointed to a sensible career. At university, things went a bit pear shaped when I discovered that actually I really wasn’t cut out to be an electronic engineer! I changed degree, then got a sensible job for a large company doing something I hated. 10 years later, I had a baby, jacked in the rubbish job and am now a photographer. Finally I have a job that I love!
I’m not saying I should/could have done things differently necessarily, maybe if I had taken a different choice I might be doing something more/less fun now. However, a job is something that you spend around 1/2 your waking hours doing (if you’re lucky) so it better be something you enjoy!!
Posted by Anji on April 6, 2010
Mark you are a gem! Your words are always wise.
Laura on the marraige side of things, been with my man 8 years and don’t think there is a sign of marraige yet. BUT I have figured he doesn’t run a mile when we talk about it, and so I figure he will do it in his own way in his own time… However if someone does know of a magic button I’d be more then happy to try it!!
Other Laura on the dating. When I was at school all my friends were the same as yours and I just wasn’t interested. Your time and right boys will come along.
You’ll not be ‘behind’ and who cares how many you’ve been out with. If they are with you it certainty won’t be because of any numbers!
Relax, have fun and enjoy being you. I think men find that the most attractive thing. The worst sounding advice, is actually the best I’ve found. When you stop searching and when you least expect it a wonderful experience will find you!
Mark a question that has been bugging me since it rained last week when I was out walking the dog. Who the hell designs hoods on coats?! Is it a giant? Coz when I put mine up it’s so damn huge I can’t see where I’m going, making it useless and results in me still getting soaked! I’m open to ideas, my dads was to wear a ‘wooly hat underneath’ I don’t buy this idea as useful, more just something to make me look daft!
Posted by Emma on April 6, 2010
First off, EEE STAR LETTER SO BOUNCY WITH HAPPINESS
I think I will try the drunk tactic, as it’s one we’ve never done.
Laura: Three boyfriends at sixteen is still good innings! I didn’t have one til I was eighteen and at uni. I wouldn’t say ‘three’ is no experience at all, or that it’ll be your downfall. My folks, for instance, had had no relationships at all til they fell for each other in the first two weeks of university. They’ve been together 32 years.
So I guess my advice is just to be yourself. If you go out on the prowl, looking for something, you might pass up a friendship that might develop because it’s not a relationship. But be Laura and things should happen.
Besides–and I know you’re gonna hate me for saying this, hell, I’m only nineteen and I hate myself for saying it–sixteen is still really young.
Posted by Misha on April 6, 2010
Meg:
I was older than your brother when my cat died and I suspect i’m not as autistic as him, but anyway I suppose i’m reasonably qualified to volunteer an answer.
Anyway, back then (before I became an atheist) I comforted myself with the thought he’d wasn’t in any pain any more, and that he’d gone to heaven to live with the other pets we’d had who’d passed on. I don’t know what your thoughts are, but the idea that your pets are waiting up there for you was quite a comforting one for me aged 12 at the time.
I have a question. what’s a good method to remember some quotes for my english exam in the summer? (Since you studied english) I’m panicking because its a close book exam but we’re still expected to have two or three quotes on four texts and my brain just doesn’t work that way.
Posted by Lydia on April 6, 2010
This reply is for Laura. I found sending my partner, father of my children, apple of my eye an email simply saying, ” buy me the fucking ring” with a picture of said ring attached, worked well. We have been together 13 years, married for 1. It’s worth a try.
Posted by EllieCat on April 6, 2010
I’m very old and have gone back to university. I’m nearing the end of my second year and the problem hasn’t got any better.
The majority of the class are girls who have gone to university straight from school. From time to time, we have to split into groups and discuss one thing or another. Despite my smiling, trying to be pleasant and contributing to the discussion, these girls mostly act as if they can’t see me.
I’ve pretty much stopped trying to say anything at all, as every comment is met by a silence in which the only sound is my self esteem plummeting ever closer to rock bottom. It’s a bit like that movie “Mean Girls” only with rather less attractive people.
Should I reassure them oldness and fatness are not communicable diseases and that by being near me they will not develop a sudden liking for Alan Titchmarsh or be forced to wear elasticated trousers?
Posted by Ben on April 6, 2010
Hi mark. Quick one for you. How do you know when the time is right to have a little one (kid that is, not a euphemism)? I’m 27 and so is my girlfriend. Been together 7 years, love her to bits, and just bought a house 2 months ago. We both love kids but it’s just that daunting step where you worry about money and being a good dad. None of our friends have a kid so we’ll easily be first. If you don’t mind me asking was kit (excellently named) something you felt were ready for and did you have any doubts about the whole money/dad quality/both working full time issues? Any names you could recommend?
Posted by Anna Lowman on April 6, 2010
Sarah – I don’t know about you, but when I was low I stopped myself watching/listening to/doing stuff that I liked in case I associated it with feeling low on the future. But it doesn’t work like that – when you’re feeling better, your mind works on such a different way. That might not be the case for you at all, but if it is, take the plunge and do the stuff that makes you happy.
Posted by Nicky on April 6, 2010
Hi there, following some staffing changes in work, I am spending quite a lot of time in the office on my own. Do you think I would be considered of unsound mind if I took a football into the office to talk to (a-la Wilson in Castaway) rather than talking to myself?
Posted by Sam on April 6, 2010
Carl, I’m currently looking for a student place in Portsmouth for next year, if you don’t mind commuting then here is a possibility.
Posted by Ben on April 6, 2010
“True arrogance comes when people don’t question themselves.”
i just wanted to draw attention to this peanut of absolute wisdom. Yay.
Posted by Laura on April 6, 2010
Can I Help You Question…
Ok, so, I’m 16.. I’ve had just 3 boyfriends and yeah i know what you’re going to say – “There’s plenty of time for relationships”, but most of my friends are going out with someone, my parents are always telling me they’ll have to beat away boys from out door when I get older…
I don’t think I’m bad looking and on social networking sites such as “www.tagged.com”, “www.facebook.com” I get comments from guys saying I’m cute or whatever…
If these guys (who are pretty good looking themselves) think I’m cute, why can’t I get a boyfriend in school or social activities..
I’m worried that I won’t get as much experience as others in this field and later on in life, relationships will be my downfall…
Any suggestions?
Posted by Emmy on April 6, 2010
Katie – Please keep this is mind: a good relationship, whether romantic or not, is based upon respect. This includes respecting both your partner and yourself. It seems to me that your boyfriend is doing neither of these things. Although he may be struggling with depression which, speaking from experience, is very difficult to overcome, that doesn’t mean he has a ‘free pass’ to endanger himself (by the dangerous combination of medical drugs and alcohol) and hurt you (by cheating).
Your boyfriend needs to mature and take better care of himself. Otherwise, the pain he would cause to both of you is not worth the relationship. I would suggest telling him something along those lines. Whether you break up with him or not is a decision you have to make on your own and be comfortable with, but consider that 1) no one deserves to be treated badly, 2) you cannot force your boyfriend to change his habits. He will do so when he is ready too, not before.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. You do not specify how he ‘changes’ when he drinks but any type of abuse, verbal, physical, or otherwise, is never right nor acceptable.
Oh, and Mark?
‘what I can usefully do about the fact that pretty much all women feel under pressure to lose weight in order to be more attractive, even though it tends NOT to be more attractive?’
You are magnificent.
Posted by Simone on April 6, 2010
Dear Mr. Watson,
I know nothing about politics/political parties in the UK. All the news about the general election baffles me. Can you help me understand?
Posted by James on April 6, 2010
Had to put Idioteque on to check lyrics but got distracted reading the blog and forgot to listen. Fail!
Posted by Steven Harris on April 6, 2010
Matt, I sometimes struggle to get anywhere with writing projects. The trick for me is to try and imagine my brain has two different settings. One setting is ‘creative’ and that’s the setting I need to write and write and write. The second setting is ‘critical’ which is the setting I need when I look back on the previous day’s writing and attend to editing. Sadly, brains like this appear to have a design fault and can be switched to both settings at once. So the real trick is to ensure that your creative setting is the only one switched on while you write and the critical setting is the only one you use when editing. Only that way can I objectively assess the work I’ve done and stay inspired and imaginative enough to carry that work forward to its conclusion.