Before and after
I was going to do something cool today. Basically, I did this gig at the O2, for charity. It was quite an enormous experience. My aim was to do a blog beforehand and then afterwards. However, within the confines of the concrete arena, my little tiny laptop met its match and couldn’t get online. So I wasn’t able to post, as intended, beforehand. But here’s the action as it unfolded.
NORTH GREENWICH, 7.25pm
So, I’m backstage at the O2 Arena or whatever its official title is. Shortly I will perform five minutes in what is, by any calculation, the biggest gig I’ve ever been in. It’s a charity thing for Great Ormond Street. It’s being shown on Channel 4 on Monday, I believe (this sentence removes any sense of admiration that might have been won by the charitable sentiment of the previous one). I’ve done things like this before, but this one truly is something extraordinary. For a start, Katie Price and her cagefighting husband are here; they just walked in to the green room while me and Jason Manford were discussing being dads. Also on the bill are James Corden/Ruth Jones, Alan Carr, Jonathan Ross, Michael McInytre, Jack Dee, that lady from The One Show, and Nelson Mandela. And only the last one of those was a joke.
The other exceptional factor is the size of the venue. The biggest room I’ve ever done standup in was in Melbourne, about 5000 seats. This is SIXTEEN THOUSAND. It’s almost as big as my football team’s stadium. And it’s sold out. Sixteen thousand fucking people!!
I didn’t think I was nervous but just then I went to the toilet and my hands were shaking a bit as I tried to do my belt back up. Hmm. (Noel Fielding and Jack Whitehall are my dressing-room-mates, incidentally.)
You’d think in five minutes not too much could go wrong, and I’m fairly confident not too much well, but it’s quite a prospect. The cast of Stomp! are about to open the show now. There is a red carpet which we all had to walk down; the photographers did a decent job of looking like they knew who I was/concealing their disappointment I wasn’t someone like Lady Gaga.
Oh, also, there is NO ALCOHOL ALLOWED BACKSTAGE. This is astounding. I think it’s reasonable to be allowed a glass of wine before addressing a room roughly half the size of Cheltenham. But there it is.
So what I thought I’d do is, a sort of ‘before and after’ blog. I’ll do the ‘after’ bit in the car on my way home. So it’ll be a bit like one of those ‘live feeds’ you can read during important events. Except, realistically, I won’t get to blog much while I’m up on stage, since it’s only five minutes. I”ll barely have time to get a couple of tweets out.
In the meantime, wish me luck. Or if you’re reading this after the event, wish my former self luck. Or bottle that luck and wish it to someone whose need is greater than mine, like a soldier. Here we go.
THE CAR HOME, 11pm
Well, it was fine, I think.
It’s odd doing a five minute gig in such a vast amphitheatre; it all goes by incredibly quickly. You’ve barely time for a couple of jokes before the light is flashing and you’re off. But I think it went reasonably well. People laughed, anyway. Not everyone. But in a room of 16000 people, even a small laugh is about two thousand people. Two thousand mothers’ sons and daughters laughing. Gosh.
Stand-up is a weird thing. There are quite a lot of times when you think ‘why am I putting myself through this?’. But when it’s over you want nothing more than to get back to it.
Anyway. Twenty minutes to the deadline. Assuming no more internet problems, I’m just about going to post this in time to preserve my blogging record. Thanks for reading.
Posted by Knox on May 8, 2011
How do you find/what are your thoughts on comedy gigs in massive arenas compared to smaller venues? I’ve always felt like they’d probably be a bit impersonal in comparison, though I do think it’s awesome that a charity gig had such a massive audience. I remember seeing this, and loving it, (and possibly tearing up a little at Lee Hurst’s speech). You were brilliant, and didn’t look like you’d just have trouble with your belt at all!
Posted by Chris on April 1, 2010
It was a comedy super show. I’ve seen Bill Bailey and Michael McIntyre at the O2 previously, but so many comedians in one night was pretty amazing.
Thought it was funny that Jonathon Ross made the whole audience say the C word together, yet you were too embarrased to say it as part of your routine.
Everything sort of made sense, apart from Jordan and Alex Reid – mix up in the invites department surely.
The Fonejacker probably chose the wrong character. Couldn’t have been easy up on stage with the One Show girl. The audience was a bit lost when those two spoke.
Posted by Tom Beasley on March 31, 2010
I can’t wait to see this on Monday. Such an excellent bill makes for a very entertaining television spectacular.
Posted by Sarah on March 31, 2010
I was one of the 16,000! And you were fantastic, Mark. One of my favourites of the night. If it helps, pretty much everyone seemed nervous when they came on stage. I mean, I just turned around and looked at the masses of people behind me and got nervous. And you certainly weren’t booed like Katie and Alex
I don’t know if you heard how much the audience cheered for anyone else, but right before you left the stage… I’m sure that was one of the biggest of the night!
Posted by Tracy on March 31, 2010
You were excellent – one of the highlights of the night. Haven’t seen you before but would definitely go to one of your gigs now!
Posted by Rachael on March 31, 2010
Bottles full of luck would be great. Can I steal that idea to make my millions?
Posted by Laura on March 31, 2010
Your name is on the adverts and everything, Mark.
I’m looking forward to seeing it.
Posted by Maddie on March 31, 2010
Glad it went well, will tune in to watch it on Monday.
Also, well done for your optismism in the blogging, keep it up!
Posted by Laura on March 31, 2010
It will be no consolation whatsoever, but there seemed to be vast amounts of alcohol being imbibed in our section (and elsewhere judging by the queues at the various poorly managed eateries – a real test of my rage management which I failed miserably). One can only assume that excessive alcohol consumption leads people to believe that Michael McIntyre is actually funny; personally, I think he hypnotises susceptible types with his fucking ridiculous fringe.
There was much merriment around me during your set, thankfully; I was nervous for you so can only imagine how much you must have been shitting yourself – congrats!
Posted by anna lowman on March 31, 2010
Must have a pretty overwhelming experience – so glad you felt it went well; judging from all the tweets from people there you absolutely aced it. Nice work, and yay for the daily blog continuing unabated! (Not sure that’s the right word).
Posted by Zoe on March 31, 2010
That’s another ‘being brave’ moment you can chalk up. Good skills. I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like to step out in front of that many people and actually manage to force out five minutes of talking.
Posted by Hannah on March 31, 2010
Awesome! Glad it went well and I will tune in on Monday.
Posted by Phill on March 31, 2010
Glad it went well, look forward to seeing this when it’s aired on TV!
Posted by Corey on March 31, 2010
A very near deadline miss!!…I thought you were just playing ”blog chicken”. Can’t believe they don’t let alcohol backstage!?!, what happens if The Stones ever play there, Ronnie and Keith will be screwed!
Posted by lisa brunders on March 31, 2010
really great blog and glad you made it before midnight!
16,000 people wow, look forward to Monday.
Posted by Lally on March 31, 2010
Thank you for sharing an amazing experience with us!
Posted by Catherine on March 31, 2010
Ah, now I can go to bed. All is well with the world. I was afraid you were going to need an EB before you had picked one. Well done for making the deadline.
Posted by Rallen on March 31, 2010
Already said on twitter but can’t have too much praise surely?
You were great tonight and everyone sat around me were laughing a lot more than a few people on before and after you.
And you were one of the few who didn’t stack it down the two steps onto the stage. Always good.
Posted by Heather Jones on March 31, 2010
Double congrats – glad the monster-sized-audience gig went well, and also glad you crept in under the midnight wire (you had me worried there!)
Oh, and talking of big numbers, don’t forget that when you tweet it’s often being seen by as big an audience as big as tonight’s crowd (given that you have 21,000 followers!) But presumably it’s the live audience thing that is the real colly-wobbler (and thrill)
Wonder how many will watch on Monday? I will certainly be tuning in.
Night night, sleep tight (or as much as junior will allow you anyway)
Posted by Marie on March 31, 2010
16,000?
Wow. Kinda puts my earlier presentation to 10 people into perspective…
Posted by Misha on March 30, 2010
And in the spirit of technology I’ve spent the night watching some very old footage of you on mtw.
Will look forward to monday then, although it sounds like i’ll have to mute the telly for most of it.
Posted by Charlotte on March 30, 2010
For what it’s worth, we (my friend and i) thought you were brilliant and everyone around our section was laughing heartily. An excellent evening all round!
Posted by Someone on March 30, 2010
Ah, 16,000 people without any alcohol is indeed a tough call! I find my heart giving way in front of more than three. But your dressing-room mates surely made up for it. – If you ‘weren’t a heterosexual man’… Or possibly even still. And you didn’t break your blogging record.
Happy day!
Posted by Carl on March 30, 2010
This will sound far more dramatic thank it should do, but I went to the pub quiz with my girlfriend’s Dad for the first time and was nervous as hell because I didn’t want to get anything wrong. So I went on your site constantly in search of today’s blog to give me some optimistic encouragement.
But there was nothing. I went to the pub worried you would miss the deadline and I’d be a quiz flop.
I arrived back 5 minutes ago, after leading our team to a 2 point victory by getting the final 8 point question right (the answer was Led Zeppelin) to find out that you performed one of the biggest gigs of your life and getting the blog in on time.
Looks like we had similar evenings then, really.
(Well done mate).