Congratulations, your life is over
I’m writing this in advance, but by the time you read this, I should have a baby. My wife’s going into hospital today (Tuesday) to have a C-section. In case that sounds rather detached, I should emphasise that I’m going with her. We’re making a sort of trip of it.
The little creature was due two weeks ago, but he’s shown no inclination to come out, which is why it’s got to happen this way. Because of the delay, I’ve had time for a total of around 150,000 people to give me their advice on being a parent. Sometimes, they are parents themselves; sometimes they say ‘Having a baby? Ah, now my sister Claudia had a baby six months ago, and what she said was…’ – as if my wife getting pregnant, and another woman we’ll never meet also getting pregnant, is a coincidence so irresistible that we’ve no choice but to talk about it.
But that’s the thing about babies, of course: although they’re extremely common, and pretty much everyone in history has been a baby apart from some obvious lifelong adults like Trevor McDonald and Moira Stewart, parents continue to drool over their own offspring as if they’re the first people ever to procreate. This leads me to the pressing question: am I going to become really, really lame from now on?
One of the most frequently spouted, and most annoying, comments has been something like this: ‘Baby? Oh, well, enjoy staying out late while you can! Enjoy your freedom/sleep/alcohol/not wishing you were dead while you can!’ Some people are so intent on making their your-life-is-over point that you can do pretty much anything and they’ll hold it up as an example. ‘What have you up to?’ ‘Not much, just ate a cracker.’ ‘Oh, crackers! Well, make the most of crackers! Won’t be too many of those once you’ve got a baby!’
Now, we’re all aware that babies – and then children – change your life. But I’ve seen plenty of people have them and not exhibit complete meltdown of their personalities. My great friend Tim Minchin has two and he’s still an edgy, long-haired comic and rock god, for example. On the other hand I do know people who seem more or less to have signed off all their other ambitions and desires in favour of fawning over a waddling minor with mashed pear all over his face. Which way will it go? With any luck, in the past few hours I have begun to find out.
Posted by Rachael on February 25, 2010
people telling you your life is over is annoying the same way as when people notice your hair is shorter and say “you’ve had a haircut” as if you didn’t already know. There is no need but people still have to say it.
Posted by lisa on February 24, 2010
congrats mark
kit is a cute name! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by Helen on February 24, 2010
Congrats on the new sproglet in your life. About to hit the 8 month mark myself and I know what you mean when everyone you know suddenly feels the need to tell you everything (mostly negative) about having a baby. Sure I’m in pain and discomfort most of the time but women all over the world do it so what’s the fuss!
Posted by Meg on February 24, 2010
I don’t have any advice, useful or otherwise, but I do wanna say congrats!
Posted by Amy on February 24, 2010
Despite the apparent influx of children around these days, yours will be the best one. And yes, you will be lame, and find yourself out to dinner with your wife discussing his poo. But it’s the best kind of lame you’ll EVER be!
Only advice – have lots of fun. Babies are BRILLIANT. Especially mine. She really is the best one, I’m not just biased…
Posted by Laurs on February 23, 2010
Congratulations on your new arrival! Enjoy every minute of him. x
Posted by Louise Potts on February 23, 2010
Congratulations on your brand new addition. Enjoy x
Posted by Tracey on February 23, 2010
You took the words out of my mouth. We’re due with our first sprog next week and totally fed up with advice! I’m off to eat copious amounts of crackers now – just in case.
Massive congrats to you and your wife. We look forward to seeing potential ‘baby material’ at Edinburgh soon!
Posted by Megan on February 23, 2010
Congratulations! Welcome to the world, wee Kit!
Posted by Kirsty on February 23, 2010
I hope you have a bunch of cigars to be handed out in the Dad room. I’m assuming here that you’re having your baby in the 50s of course.
Man, babies are awesome. Excited for you!
Posted by Debbie on February 23, 2010
During a “normal” birth, I’d say stay away from the business end and encourage the missus to have plenty of gas and air but I’m not sure what the accepted cliches are for a caesarian but best of luck to you all. I may even buy a ticket to one of your shows now, what with you having a family to support.
PS Don’t drop the baby is a good one – I was dropped on my head and my mum says it explains everything. Can’t think what she means.
Posted by Tom Beasley on February 23, 2010
I envy you for being able to count Tim Minchin amongst your friends!
But also, congratulations in advance about your child. I’m sure that your little bundle of joy will be just that and will be a force for good in your life, regardless of all the horror stories of sleep deprivation and stuff you will be subjected to.
Posted by Ros on February 23, 2010
The nonsense you’ll get from others about parenthood will give you a rich source of material for years to come. Someone once said to me, “You must meet my friend Helen, you’d have so much in common, she’s a mother too.”
Hope it all goes well for you both. I resisted offering some advice there!
Posted by Sam on February 23, 2010
I know someone who once they had a baby stopped eating crackers. But that was because he didn’t like them and only pretended to so as to impress his now wife at cheese and wine evenings.
Perhaps “impress was the wrong word there.
Posted by Lydia on February 23, 2010
Good luck – your sprog to be will have the honor of sharing his/her birthday with mine who is now one year old today! He was also c-section and I, despite being extreamely ill beforehand, and he came through it swimmingly so I’m sure go well for you all (my husband also came through it well with the minimum of crying etc) .
Posted by Catherine on February 23, 2010
Good luck and Congratulations!!
People born on February 23 are ALWAYS charming and cool and witty and all-around awesome!
I’m sure you and your wife will be the cool parents that your child’s friends will be envious of in a few years…
Enjoy being a Dad!! Take care.
Posted by clara81 on February 23, 2010
Hoping everything goes smoothly for the three of you. Your life will never be the same again, but in the best way imaginable. Enjoy the amazing adventure! x
Posted by Penelope on February 23, 2010
I’m never normally excited about people having babies but for some reason I’m really happy for you! That’s probably weird. But I hope everything goes really well today! Don’t become boring; you’ll have loads of new material to work with
Think of the content!
Posted by Cat :) on February 23, 2010
Naww
I actually lolled at the cracker joke haha. Both my brother and I were C-section because we were upside down… or right way up if you will. We knew which way we were supposed to be, just not for birthing… XD
Posted by Emma on February 23, 2010
Well good luck with it all!
When you are enjoying the first few hours of fatherhood I will be making the most of looking forward to We Need Answers (while I can).
Posted by Helen on February 23, 2010
I can only reiterate Chrissy – ignore everyone and just go with the flow. No one can prepare you for this experience and it doesn’t seem to get any easier over time, and I’ve had 3. Handy hint: accept all offers of help after wards, she’ll need sleep, get people to bring food.
Posted by Elaine on February 23, 2010
Nothing really to say other than I hope it all goes well for you both today. If you’re going in to the operating theatre you can use my own father’s favourite phrase about the experience, ‘I’ve seen parts of your mother she’s never even seen’. *shudder*
Posted by Jackie on February 23, 2010
I find this a bit patronising. Saying “enjoy your sleep” is a perfectly valid point, as you’ll soon find out, and, yes, your freedom does go out of the window. But most people would say it’s worth it and we don’t give up the rest of our lives. I wish you every happiness, but I think you might loo back in a few weeks and find your comments a little smug.
Posted by RachaellB on February 23, 2010
Congrats to you both , it’s bloody hard work, but worth every second.
I must know that coz I have 3 !!
Posted by John on February 23, 2010
If you haven’t tweeted within, say, ten minutes of his first breath, we’ll have no choice but to assume you’re abandoning us.
Not that you’ll need it, but good luck!
Posted by Bangsy on February 23, 2010
Congratulations on your baby! Enjoy your blog writing while you still can
Posted by Jumblerant on February 23, 2010
We’ve got a happy bouncy 1 year old boy. Don’t say goodbye to alcohol or sleep or parties, just say hello to gurgles and smiles and being a proud dad! My advice? ‘enjoy’!
Posted by Lammi on February 23, 2010
Todays the day wee man! Good luck to both and as always, many thanks for the comedy!
Good luck
lam
Posted by Chrissy on February 23, 2010
Good Luck, enjoy your new baby and ignore what everybody else says, this is your adventure and it will be the best one you have ever had.
Posted by Katie on February 23, 2010
You’ll be fine, but for the love of all that’s holy, don’t drop it. We dropped my wee sister (it was an accident, ok? An ACCIDENT. There’s no need to phone social services…please) and the effects were immediate – crying, etc.
So…yes, don’t drop the baby, and continue on befittingly. Good luck!
Posted by Debbie on February 23, 2010
What ever u say…. U won’t know what’s hit ya! When I left hospital with mine I was furious my mother said ‘ur life will never be the same again’ how dare she! Unfortunatly she was correct lol
Posted by Lydia on February 23, 2010
I bet your wife has heard a million and one nightmare stories of birth too. It doesn’t get better either, my son is 11 and I’m getting stories of how teenagers turn into a different person after 12, bit like gremlins I expect.
I hope everything goes swimmingly and you’re soon cuddling your small person. Being a parent is truely awesome, enjoy.
Posted by sprods on February 23, 2010
Make the mist of blogging, you won’t be doing much of that when …..
Posted by Charles Letterman on February 23, 2010
It’s absolute rubbish to say that your life is over once you have a baby, and it’s irresponsible of you to broadcast this opinion to your audience.
Your life is most certainly not over.
Admittedly you won’t actually regain it for another 20 years, but it will be just in time for the 2030 North Korean World Cup, where I reckon John Terry Junior will lead us to victory, despite the scandal involving Wayne Bridge Junior’s boyfriend.
Posted by Dawnie on February 23, 2010
I think your life will only change however much you let it. Those waddling types cooing over their pear smeared child are only like that because they want to be. At the end of the day (to use a football manager staple which I’m sure you will appreciate) it is your child and you are its parents who will decide what you will and won’t do and whether or not you want to change your whole routine.
But definitely say bye bye to the crackers, harumpf now you have a kid no way you’ll be getting any more of the cracker jolity.
Posted by Richard on February 23, 2010
Good luck, we had a daughter nearly 2 months ago and we’ve been out a lot…nearly twice a year!! so don’t give up…enjoy your TV and Wii, better than a comedy gig any day xx
Posted by Nessa on February 23, 2010
Here’s hoping you’re life is more Minchin than pear-face. Congrats either way.
Posted by Misha on February 23, 2010
I’ve just had the weird urge to go and cuddle my brother (9 year age gap makes me surrogate mum)
Hmmm.