The Coles’ marital problems and, to a lesser extent, my appendix
Today I plan to use the blog to discuss two hot topics: misbehaving footballer Ashley Cole and, though it’s had less press recently, my appendix.
This week, as every time Cole does something awful like sending pictures of his genitals to a floozy, or bedding a hairdresser, or writing an autobiography, the papers were full of defiant pictures of Cheryl looking sexy. There she is at the Brits, giving as fine a vocal performance as one can without using one’s actual voice. There she is with a hat on, even though she’s indoors. There she is cuddling that horribly smooth-faced young oik who won the X Factor. And all over it, headlines: ASHLEY, HOW COULD YOU? WHAT WAS HE THINKING OF? Etc. If you read celeb magazines or listen to pretty much anyone discussing this sorry business, the consensus is the same: Cheryl is beautiful, so Ashley’s bang out of order.
I think this is quite odd. I’m pretty sure you’re not meant to cheat on your partner whether she’s a glamorous Girls Aloud singer or not. I don’t think the standard marriage vows go ‘till death us do part, or until such time as you become tubby’. Rather than emphasising how awesome Cheryl is, people should just be condemning Cole for being the sixth worst person in the world or whatever he is now (I read he’d overtaken Pol Pot). It should be reported as ‘awful man does awful thing’. Not ‘awful man does awful thing to sexy Geordie’. Otherwise we’re missing the point of morality, which is that, unlike almost all the other blessings of the modern world, ugly people are allowed to benefit from it too.
Now, onto my appendix.
The longer my life goes on without this mysterious body part causing me agony, the more suspicious I get that it must have something really special in store for me. It psyches me out, that little tube. It’s the sort of thing you can go for an awfully long time without giving any thought to. I’d go so far to say that I didn’t think about my appendix once for, say, the whole of 2007. But that’s what makes it such a threat. There’s that bit in The Usual Suspects where they say the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was to convince the world he didn’t exist, and I can’t help feeling this is the same sort of deal.
I don’t know what the solution to this is. I just don’t like the thought that whatever non-appendix-related business I fill my days with, it’s there on the sidelines all the time waiting to burst, or get inflamed, or whatever it was that used to occasionally happen to kids at school who then got a week off. And I like even less the idea that, as the doctor confirmed the diagnosis, I’d be thinking ‘I knew it, I bloody knew it’.
Yep, the appendix is like a gun that’s been pointed at my guts for thirty years. All I can really do is have it X-rayed, say, three times a day from now on – once after each meal – and then maybe again before I go to bed, to be on the safe side. I know if it decides to go, there’s not a lot I can do about it. But I’m not letting it have the last laugh because I took it too lightly. That’s all.
If I were a journalist I’d be obliged to end this ‘column’ by linking back to Ashley and Cheryl in some deviously contrived way, e.g. ‘I’m not letting it have the last laugh… and I don’t think Cheryl will let Ashley, either.’ Luckily, as this isn’t a newspaper, I’m free to leave the two glaringly unrelated parts of this blog to sit uneasily together. What will I tackle tomorrow? Crisps and Communism maybe?
Posted by Corry on February 21, 2010
When my appendix burst and I complained to my mum that I was in agony, couldn’t walk and wanted to die she diagnosed it as wind and gave me some windeze. 4 hours later I was in emergency surgery.
When it finally decides to spring its surprise on you you’ll know about it.
x
Posted by James F on February 20, 2010
Another Great Blog. Love Em Man
Keep Up the good Work..
Is it a little bit sad to look forward to be reading these?
Crisps and Communism. Sounds like a plan
Posted by nirmz on February 19, 2010
To be honest, I’m 15, and I find Ashley Cole butt ugly. Am I alone?
Posted by Corey on February 19, 2010
When I was young from the age of 12-19 I had a morbid fear of my appendix bursting…..then I suddenly decided it was stupid worrying about what might never happen………..a month later my appendix burst!, following my GP saying the pain I was having was probably just a virus!!
Forget his name….Harold something
Posted by Rachael on February 19, 2010
when i was at school a girl had a problem with her appendix, she missed months off school and came back half the size.
Posted by max on February 19, 2010
One of my biggest fears now that I live by myself in a country whose language I don’t speak (and the culture of which remains shrouded in mystery) is of my appendix bursting.
Every time I get a mild pain anywhere in my gut I start to freak out. Cause, really the sneaky appendix could be located anywhere.
I’ve gone to sleep with the certainty of waking up in a hospital bed somewhere, my appendix having burst during the night because I ignored the warning signs.
You hit the nail in the head Mr. Watson.
Posted by BenKnowell on February 19, 2010
Crisps and communism could never go together, there is always one bigger and crunchier than the others.. so really it would be better to write about crisps and social darwinism!
unless we are talking about how communism is in real life and not theory.. beause then you could say the big crisp is the dicTATA of the proletariat.
and the other flavours are just other models of communism.
Ready salted being the soviet model
Prawn cocktail being the Mauist model
and Jalapeno pepper flavour being the Cuban model!
Posted by Catherine on February 19, 2010
Thank you for posting this, you’re so right about the emphasis on Cheryl’s beauty when the papers/magazines are reporting Ashley’s douchebaggery! Her beauty is incidental – even if she was ugly, it doesn’t change the fact that Ashley is still acting like a total douche.
Posted by Biff on February 19, 2010
My appendix went a bit loco and i was proper ill on christmas day few years back, but nobody believes you when you’re a kid moaning on christmas day. So about 2 weeks later and in France of all places, someone jumped on me and it went the whole hog and burst. It did not like being ignored. Take heed; otherwise you’ll definitely end up spending 2 weeks in a hospital where nobody speaks English and there’s only horribly tacky early 90’s-esque French game-shows on the telly. Nightmare.
But what are the ramifications of now not having one? Ah I won’t sleep for weeks now! Maybe it’s a key: I always find keys that apparantly unlock nothing. But they do unlock something! Aw i feel left out of the mystery now; out of the game.
Posted by Anna on February 19, 2010
1) You’re absolutely right about morality, but let’s be honest, morality has always been flexible at best when it comes to the publications that grabbed this story. For them, beauty is a factor, as is how much they can get away with and how much they can contradict themselves.
2) I too worry that one day my appendix is going to freak out and start stabbing my kidneys in a strange fit of rage. “Going post-op”, I suppose.
Posted by Harwo on February 19, 2010
They took mine out a few months ago – I was having an op for something else entirely and they removed it – presumably because it was ‘looking at them funny’ or something like that. Now I have pains where it used to be…and a sneaking suspicion that it was useful after all and I’m going to suffer for the loss.
So you don’t really win either way.
Posted by Chris K on February 19, 2010
Ha, yes… your comments about beautiful people reminds me a bit of the reaction to Susan Boyle’s audition on Britain’s Got Ant & Dec.
How mockery and a weird kind of mild hatred turned into open mouths and a standing ovation that seemed to suggested someone so perfectly normal-looking could never have such beauty in their vocal chords. And look where she is now… the top of the album charts and on The Priory waiting list.
Like the idea of the two unrelated topics. Do it!
P.S. The thirties are great. Good to have you in the team.
Posted by Danny Denhard on February 19, 2010
Good blog post, you hit the nail on the head, you shouldn’t cheat regardless what your other half looks like. (then again do we know what actually is happening at the Cole household)
Must be something with Chelsea players
Posted by Rob on February 19, 2010
Crisps and communism. That sounds like an amazing sitcom.
Posted by Sam on February 19, 2010
I hadn’t given my appendix much thought, but rest assured that the next few days of my life will be spent in a state of constant neurotic paranoia. Thank you for that Mr Watson. Thank You.
Posted by gemma on February 19, 2010
Its nice if people think you are hot though once youve been cheated on.