Everything I learned in my twenties (slightly abridged)
Firstly thank you to everyone who read, and even went to the trouble of commenting on, the first of my three thousand-odd blogs stretching until 2020. When I saw there were comments, I yelped in excitement like someone with a severe attention-craving problem.
There were those who predicted I would never make it as far as the second day, but look at me now.
If you’ve just tuned in, the idea of this blog is to track my thirties, which began at the weekend, and at the same time to track the first ten years of my son, who is meant to be born any time now. It won’t always be as weighty and tedious as this might imply. Sometimes, the blog will just be some nonsense about Sting, or something. Still, today I thought I might try to reach across the generations a bit.
I’ve noticed that quite a lot of people who watch my shows are 18 or 19 or those sorts of ages – at the threshold of their twenties, in other words, in the same way I am with my thirties. It’s been well documented that there are lots of things they don’t teach you at school which would have been pretty handy to know in adult life. So if I may have a moment of your time, I thought I’d sum up what I would have liked to be told at school, in case anyone is considering using my blog as the definitive guide to being human. Which I imagine is pretty likely.
- Tax is really hard. Get someone to explain it before you start earning any money. Ideally, meet and marry an accountant. Any time you ever get any money, remember most of it isn’t actually yours.
- If you keep taking your passport out of your pocket at the airport, to check you definitely haven’t lost it, you will eventually lose it in ironic fashion.
- Buy train tickets a long way in advance.
- You do not actually need eight hours’ sleep. You can operate on a lot less. However, if you convince yourself you’ll be ‘no use without your eight hours’, it will become true.
- Halloween is normally disappointing.
- The people who were more confident and successful than you at school, and even at university, tend to have peaked already. You’ll meet them at 28 and it will be obvious immediately, to both of you, that you are now winning. This never stops being great.
- If something is meant to be delivered ‘between 8am and 4pm’, insist on getting a more precise time, or most of your twenties will disappear waiting for people to bring chairs to your flat.
- Life is really bloody confusing, so almost any opinion you hold, however firm, may well one day turn out to be totally wrong. This is fine.
- Get a cat.
- If you don’t know lots of catchphrases from ‘South Park’, it doesn’t end up mattering anywhere near as much as it seems like it’s going to.
- If it was just a wee, and you’re in a hurry, you can kind of get away with not washing your hands.
- Supermarkets are deliberately laid out to confuse and humiliate you. As soon as you get into the supermarket, give your list to a staff member and say ‘find all this stuff for me, will you?’
- You don’t need sugar in your tea, it turns out.
- Although life can be pretty difficult, being dead is a horrible thought, so you really might as well give it a good go. Live when you’re alive, sleep when you’re dead, to paraphrase Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi were a group that we listened to before you were born.
- Often, when people say ‘can I have a minute of your time?’, they mean a lot more than a minute, like this.
Posted by Knox on May 1, 2011
Hello!
I realise I’m now going to probably, slightly annoyingly, comment about a year and a half after everyone else. I’m hoping this doesn’t mean you get a heap of messages in your mailbox (apologies if it does).
The wee/hands thing disturbs me – especially as i have recently discovered a very close family member does this, and i am eeeever so slightly ocpd when it comes to washing hands/touching stuff etc. all i’m saying is, i’m probably never shaking your hand again. but hugs are fine.
everything else is very true. especially the parcel thing. that, or get it delivered to a work address. work are normally cool with this. except for washing machines and other large household appliances. that doesn’t work so well. especially if you cycle to work…
Posted by kirstenin on February 22, 2010
Aww, this is lovely. Especially as I turn 20 this year. But lo and behold, I have learned a lot of those things already, so that can only be a good sign, right?
(I say that whilst smugly displaying my £30 Aberdeen-London return train tickets. Yas, early booker!)
x
Posted by #1 aka Cat :) on February 20, 2010
Cat
I pretty much know all of South Park there is to know. So I won’t need to worry about that anyway XD.
Posted by rara_boumptier on February 19, 2010
All I have to say is
which I realise isn’t really a comment so much as a facial expression but… well, just but really. Thanks for a smile on a Friday Mr W (yes I realise I am a day late)
Posted by rara_boumptier on February 19, 2010
All I can say is
which I realise isn’t a word. If you could see my face it would be more an action really… Basically made me smile. Thanks Mr W…
Posted by John on February 18, 2010
Getting a cat was the best thing I ever did.
Posted by hannah on February 18, 2010
Get a cat is actually the best advice i have ever heard.
Posted by Sarah on February 18, 2010
It took me until my forties to realise that what I really needed to make my life complete was a cat. All those wasted years…
Posted by Louise on February 18, 2010
I’m 15, and I spent the last few minutes reading that instead of doing maths homework (solving quadratic equation thingies D: ) and to be honest, that advice was far more useful, even though it probably won’t help me pass my GCSEs …
But yeah, cheers for the wise words
Ohhh and you’re so right about the tax thing, my brother just tried to explain it to me and I just heard white noise
Posted by Elizabeth on February 18, 2010
You’re completely right: doing better then the cool kids from school never gets old, especially–and I’m not entirely proud of this–if they are putting your recent purchases into a bag at the time. If one was a big enough loser in school (such as myself) that experience gets the apology bonus points. Starting around 23 or so I started running into people who would apologize for being horrible to me when we were 15 and I would thank them and ask “who are you again?” as I had (genuinely) forgotten them by graduation and was looking forward to forgetting them again as soon as I’d walked away.
PS Not to cross posting bounds or anything, but I just got a twitter update. The baby is TEN POUNDS? You’re poor missus!
Posted by Sarah (@misswiz) on February 18, 2010
This is all (mostly) very true. I’m 31 though, and I’ve tried the tea thing…turns out I do need sugar (or sweeteners in my case, although they just rot your insides instead of your teeth). I’ve only just found out about the sleep though and you’re definitely right there…I may look like I’m on drugs but I can definitely function on 6 hours.
Oh and lastly, the washing your hands business…I’m glad I’m not the only one.
Posted by Jo on February 18, 2010
Definitely agree re tax – yuk
train ticket advice sounds very good indeed but doubtful if i will ever succeed in following it unfortunately
Re sleep, that advice will certainly stand you in good stead for when the wee lad finally makes an appearance. If you get 8 hours sleep per week for the next six months you’ll be doing OK. Or else you’ll be one of those lucky buggers who smiles smugly in baby/parent situations saying “of course we’re so lucky, little Jasper has gone right through the night since birth” just before someone accidentally knocks a cup of tea over their head. Tea with SUGAR.
Posted by Jane on February 18, 2010
Re cool people at school – this is absolutely true. I was spotty and uncool as a youth. But a couple of years ago (I’m now 32) I bumped into the really cool person who dissed me at school at her place of work one saturday and, as you say, we both knew that I was definately now in the lead. My liberal nature means that feels like it should be wrong. but it felt oh so right.
Posted by Emma on February 18, 2010
Still have not learnt to book train tickets a long way in advance and I am rapidly approaching my late 20s…
How much to Edinburgh?
Posted by Gabi on February 18, 2010
Tax is a mind boggling sphere of terror. It saddens me that the ‘flight’ option will direct me to the path of gypsy (pc?), which is not a career I wish to peruse. They should have an online dating style site for accounts. Excellent news that your doing a blog by the way
p.s I also enjoy the workings of Bon Jovi, though in order to be down with the kids, BJ (I’m 18 )
Posted by Jess on February 18, 2010
I can tell that this blog is going to become compulsive reading. And then I’ll forget about it and rediscover it five years later and get nostalgic about it.
Good advice. Gratefully received. Good luck with the baby.
Posted by Phill Sacre on February 18, 2010
Agree on the tea thing. Although actually I learned that at about age 13 so perhaps I was an early developer. And because I don’t really have to deal with tax (other than as a number which gets taken off my wages every month) I don’t need to know anything about it.
Unfortunately I appear to have learned absolutely nothing in my twenties (I’m 27 this year so still have a few years left…)
Oh, here’s one: no-one ever asks you what class your degree is. (well, rarely). So there’s no point working hard for those three or so years of your life!
Posted by Anji on February 18, 2010
I think, as 30 gets ever closer for myself, yet still far enough away to not be crying yet, it’s also fair to say somethings are worth all the effort they take, not everything can happen instantly, even if we really really want them to. And, friends worth having are around no matter what, too many years can be spent giving to people, when sometimes you need a little giving to you.
Ok I’m done! =)
Posted by Rachael on February 18, 2010
Any opinion i have may turn out to be wrong? Nah i’m always right.
Posted by Anna on February 18, 2010
Excellent advice. Is there any chance you could do a weekly advice column? I have a feeling it would be rather excellent. Look, to get you started, here’s my problem, raised by point #13:
I don’t like tea. It’s a problem, obviously. I’ve tried it with milk and sugar, I’ve tried it milkless with lemon, and I just can’t like it. Is there something wrong with me? How can I overcome this massive disadvantage?
Concerned from Cardiff.
Posted by Jen on February 18, 2010
As someone who has spent two days waiting in for a parcel that is still yet to materialize, I wholeheartedly agree!
Good luck with the baby coming.
Posted by David Marriott on February 18, 2010
Thank God you wrote that. I’m two years into my 20s, and I’m making this shit up.
Posted by Chris on February 18, 2010
I like everything you said apart from the bit about sleep (I heard an article on Radio 4, and, of course that must be true).
Posted by Tom Beasley on February 18, 2010
As a 15 year old, I will be tucking all this advice away into a corner of my mind to ignore when I’m older. Also, I resent the assumption that I do not know of Bon Jovi.
Awesome blog so far and I admire the attempt to go for ten years. If yo manage it, I will be impressed.
Posted by h2osarah on February 18, 2010
1. My Dad does my taxes for me. Which means that I won’t realise how hard it is until I finally join you over in the UK. I can foresee many tearful phone conversations trying to work it out.
4. I cannot figure out how to make my brain work on less than 9 hrs sleep. Please tell me how.
6. Crap. I peaked in high school. It’s gonna be a long downward slope.
9. I’m quite violently allergic to cats. If I got one, I would probably stop breathing shortly afterward. I think I’ll steer clear.
14. I’ve gotta remember this one. I should post it on my wall or something.
Very much liking your blog already.
The next 10 years are gonna be great! x
Posted by Anna Lowman on February 18, 2010
I’m glad I have five and a half more years to put all this into action.
Posted by Biff on February 18, 2010
Ohhhhh. Y’know, i only just got that ‘slightly abridged’ thing. Tut at myself.
Posted by Samuel on February 18, 2010
I’ve been preaching about non-sugared tea for longer than I care to admit. Many of my peers have chosen to ignore me, I hope that their ‘still having teeth/not having diabetes’ scales have peaked now, in the same manner as your 6th point.
Posted by Keily on February 18, 2010
You are so right. Especially on the cat thing.
Posted by Victoria on February 18, 2010
AWESOME blog! I’m 17, here are a few things I have learnt through experience:
– The “white chocolate” you find when in your house when drunk is often soap. Do not eat it.
– That guy on the tube staring at you with a mid-ejaculation smile is probably not a rapist. Best not to make friends with him just in case though.
– A tin of shortbread biscuits is the perfect way to say “Sorry for drinking your wine, chatting up your son and then throwing up on your floor.”
Posted by Lucy Cohen on February 18, 2010
So true about the people you’re in school with. As someone who had the hair of Lesley Joseph and the physique of a Bratwurst as a teenager I revel in the (super-sized) shadow cast over me nowadays by the once pretty and popular girl who is now so fat she has her own gravitational pull. I know it’s childish and superficial and apparently it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but after years of her taunting I’m sure I’m allowed to feel a little smug!
Posted by Steph on February 18, 2010
At least you said a “moment” of your time instead of a minute. I’m 17 and…
I KNOW WHO BON JOVI ARE!
Posted by Beth on February 18, 2010
I often book train tickets in advance, I’m confused a lot of the time, I already have two cats, you’re right about the tea and I’ve lost my passport twice. I think my twenties will be okay.
Posted by Harwo on February 18, 2010
Last one so very true!
Need elaboration on the 8 hours sleep thing – once convinced this is true – how to unconvince self? I fear having children for this very reason…but I guess you’ve conquered it with the 24hr comedy thing. That should prove useful…if your wife enjoys slightly obscure jokes at 4am while dealing with the child. (and of course she does, she married you after all) (Good luck with that btw)
Posted by Sarah on February 18, 2010
I turned 20 earlier this month. My dad is an IFA, I often get less than 8 hours sleep, I don’t bother with halloween and I have a cat. Looks like I’m doing well so far.
Posted by Sam on February 18, 2010
I’ve tried the tea thing; turns out you’re right.
Posted by stu on February 18, 2010
As a man who is 29 and almost 30, I can only imagine the good this information would have done had it been imparted to me at school/higher education. Maybe you could make some kind of Jamie Oliver type program to get it into the curriculum.
Posted by Georgie on February 18, 2010
Being 19, I can see that several of these life lessons could be very useful to me! Except for ones such as the train tickets; we don’t have passenger trains here in Tassie (though I’ll remember that for when I next visit your lovely country) and the Halloween mention (we unfortunately don’t really celebrate it here).
Thankyou for your wise words. x
Posted by david on February 18, 2010
thanks mark, no more sugary tea and cat not-having for this boy.
Posted by Chris on February 18, 2010
I’ll keep these things in mind for when I hit 20 in 2 months. I hope that doesn’t sound like rubbing it in. Maybe 30 turns out to be more fun?
Posted by Andy Sugden on February 18, 2010
Thanks for those, I doubt adult life will be easier now I know these things, but it won’t be harder… I don’t think…
Posted by gary on February 18, 2010
Good blog Mark.
Cheers for the advice. I’ll hold onto my passport, lists, minutes and cat from here on in.
Posted by Misha on February 18, 2010
Are there points available for dealing with some of this already?
I have a cat (or at least i’m his favourite human in the house), can navigate a supermarket and quite often function on about 5 hours sleep because i’m a fool.
Soon I will be 18, lets hope I can get the hang of some more of the list before 20.
Posted by Kippa on February 18, 2010
Wow, you’re bang on Mark
I think i love you in less then a gay way. Im still going to have sugar in my Tea though and i still won’t enjoy being told im wrong, but atleast i’ve got a warning
Posted by Rob on February 18, 2010
i recently discovered that you don’t need to have sugar in your tea, which means that almost all of the points are valid to me except for one – now i just need to buy a cat.
Posted by Liz on February 18, 2010
I’m 22 but I think I still have time to take advantage of most of these gems (not building up Halloween, storing up my excitement/resentment for when I meet current university over-achievers in ten years time, giving life a go etc) I think I’m already starting to come to terms with the confusing opinions changing one. I am, as you predicted, planning to use this as a sort of definitive guide to being alive. So in a way, my life is in your hands.
Posted by Kathryn on February 18, 2010
This is wonderful, Mr Watson. Thanks very much. I am 17 and now feel greatly wiser and more ready for the rest of my life after reading this.
Posted by Chris Cohen on February 18, 2010
Oh and good work on all the other points Mr. W! I’d also suggest most people ditch studying algebra… never used it.
Posted by Chris Cohen on February 18, 2010
Think that covers everything, apart from the other valuable lesson that I have only just learned, which is, when your girlfriend, fiancee or wife turns to you in bed at night and asks ‘Are you awake?’ always, always pretend to be asleep. No good can come from starting a conversation with her at that time of night. No good. None. Whatsoever.
Posted by Gav on February 18, 2010
Congrats Mark, you’ve made it through that difficult sophomore release with flying colours… Though I can’t entirely agree with the bit about not washing your hands after a wee. You’ve touched your penis for heavens sake!
As you were…
Posted by Biff on February 18, 2010
I totally agree with all of those things, except one.
Also i’m 20 so I shall follow your lil’ journey a decade behind you, and incidentally without a baby. But otherwise I’m sure our lives’ll be pretty similar.
Posted by Gareth on February 18, 2010
Writing as someone who has noted with some alarm that he is suddenly nearer thirty than twenty, I am already conscious of the validity of many of these suggestions. The one about train tickets is particularly worthy of note. Also, if you are past 25 and can get sufficient funding for a PhD, it may be worth embarking on one solely for the savings that the Young Persons’ Railcard represents. You qualify for one at any age as long as you’re in full-time education. It’s a boon.
Posted by Rachel on February 18, 2010
I definitely agree with the train tickets. I once got a ticket from Arbroath to Peterborough for under a tenner only a couple of years ago.