As you will be aware, I am running what will be a successful campaign, via this blog, to win the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest, which has been something of a problem for Britain for some time. I’ve not previously given that much thought to the problem, but as you know I like music, I like a challenge and I like competitions. So I feel the time is right for me – and us – to enter this fray. I have appointed as head of this operation Josh, who wrote the Mark Watson Christmas song and is very focused on his responsibilities here. The below message is from him and it sets out what we need in order to take this project forward. There’s meant to be a graph in it but I had a fail, as they say on forums, so you’ll have to imagine it (I will append it as soon as I get a bit of time online). With or without the graph, the message is clear. This is our chance to change musical history. Or rather, the musical future. I’m aware we have not yet been officially selected, but it’s hard to imagine anyone else getting the nod once they’ve seen our plans.
So I hand you over to Josh and I hope some of you will hear his rallying cry.
The Eurovision song contest, huh. What a thing it is.
The other week Mark decided we were going to win it next year, and he put me in charge of what I like to call the UK Eurovison Patriotic Triumph Deliverance Taskforce, or UKEPTDT. Together we will write the song that will win the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest in Baku, Azerbaijan.
As we all know, in recent years we’ve hardly been doing excellently, but just how excellently have we not been doing? We’ve won the grand accolade 4 times since we started in 1959 but only once since the 1980’s. Before then, we’d never come less than half way up the board, since then we’ve come last 3 times. In fact, if you look at this graph I’ve made, even adjusting for the increased number of entries, before the end of the decade we’ll be doing negatively well.
Obviously,we need to do something spectacular.While not wanting to accuse anyone of tactical voting, since invading Iraq, we’ve been doing worse than ever, so we need to do something extra special to compensate for our international reputation.
So, what we need is the following:
We need an amazing song
We need some brilliant music
We need an excellent performer we can send to Azerbaijan
We need to record a profesional-sounding demo of the song
We need some people to do the pyrotechnics and clothes and stuff
We need to go round Europe telling everyone to vote for us
It is unknown how the BBC will choose the UK entry, but, under new Eurovision rules, it has to include a public vote on between at least 2 songs, so if we get into that competition or whatever it will be, we could be onto a winner.
Now, what can we learn from the successes and failures of this year’s competition? Obviously, Azerbaijan only teaches us that if you have a non-offensive song and a lot of land-borders then you can do well, but seeing as we’re an island nation with only one border and a modicum of self-respect, that’s not an option. Italy coming second with a suave little jazz number and Georgia coming ninth with their industrial metal offering taught us that if you’re doing something no one else is doing then you pick up all the votes for that style. And, of course, Jedward showed us that if a song and performance is slick enough, you can get away with anything.
I want to see you all pitching in here, be it with lyrics, chords, the fact that you happen to know a pop star, especially one with a strong European fan-base, or anything else you can offer. You can post here or go to the markwatsonfans.com forum where there will be a thread. Don’t feel that you can’t help just because you’re foreign, Eurovision takes all sorts.
British national pride is on the line here, so it’s time for us to stand up and fight for what we believe in, assuming, of course that what we believe in is winning Eurovision.
If it’s not, pretend it is.
You can use it however and whenever you want.
Fondest regards, Josh Rodell
Head of the UKEPTDT