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Give me (things for) the Horne

Thanks for all the nice messages (in various media) about the One Night Stand show. Thank you very much for these, all much appreciated as it is peculiar being in Australia at 7am while something you’ve done is transmitted to people all the way back home. Though not as strange for me, perhaps, because I tend not to watch myself on TV anyway, so in a sense I might as well always be in Australia. But still. I remembered the gig as being quite awkward, what with all the home-town-high-stress-levels stuff I probably mentioned at the time, so it’s reassuring that not all this awkwardness communicated itself on the TV. Good old TV.

And now something very different. I am out here with, among others, Alex Horne – who you may have seen on the broadcast. If not, you might know him anyway from We Need Answers and the like. Tomorrow I am taking part in one of Horne’s famous challenges, where comedians have to vie to complete difficult tasks. I’ll explain later the precise nature of my task, but suffice to say, I need SOME INTERESTING THINGS TO SHOW HORNE by tomorrow (end of today your time, really). It could just be a nice message. Or a limerick. Or a picture you’ve done or something else has done. Or, really, anything. I need to entertain Horne, partly with things you have supplied. Put it that way. You may interpret this brief any way you like. You might just know a fact he’d like (he likes birds). You can literally do anything. Anything that might beguile Alex Horne for a few seconds.

Anything accepted.

Thank you. As I said, all will be explained soon.

22 Responses

  1. ChrisP says:

    He may remember me and my sister; the maths wizz who was at ‘Odds’ in Edinburgh last year (the show where some guy hid in the toilets because he didn’t want to do the race).

    Our Mum’s maiden name in Horne too, we’re related to Kenneth Horne of ‘Round the Horne’ fame (old Radio 4 show), so potentially related. Or not.

  2. Alex says:

    We just found a gigantic beetle in the garden. My dad googled it to find out the species and it turns out it’s called a cock chafer.

    Not sure if that’s the kind of thing your looking for, but I found it hilarious.

  3. Suzy says:

    I think you show him Aislinn’s brilliant picture of you:

    And show him your pens :-)

  4. Nuala says:

    Just sent you a (retweeted) pic on twitter of a 12yr old’s Easter card, which is the Easter bunny on the cross. That the sort of thing you’re after?

  5. Misha says:

    You should show him the pens definitely. Also the audiobook if it’s with you?

    I also present a peculiar dr who injoke of sorts from the creepy memorial in Cardiff.

  6. Jen says:

    really enjoyed your show last night…especially the train station story…verrrrry funny……also liked your shirt!! (….random…but just wanted to let you know!) – bird facts/myths – from watching something on some channel i learnt if a blackbird nests on your roof its good luck and that if you hear a welsh owl hoot in a city/town its a sign of a female loosing her virginity…hmmmmm….i cannot state how accurate either of these claims are…these are not my claims just the wonder of television!!Jx

  7. Beth says:

    Surely everyone likes peppy upbeat pop songs about Maps of Tasmania?

  8. Meet the back of my right eye –
    That might count as vaguely interesting picture.

    Also, every time someone’s written ‘show him your pens’ I keep thinking it says ‘show him your penis’. That may count as interesting, but it may also change the dynamic of your friendship somewhat. Just a thought.

  9. Rachael says:

    Hummingbirds have really weak feet and can hardly walk.

  10. Zoe Fell says:

    I’m a bit annoyed in myself that I don’t have that much to contribute.
    The only thing I can offer is a poem (if not a very tenuous acrostic) I wrote about the Antarctic, when I was about 7. (Aislinn scoffed at it when she read it last time she was at my house. She’s training to be a teacher, that should give you a pretty good idea as to the brilliance of my writing.)
    I hope you all enjoy it, and have my fingers crossed that your children come up with something as amazing as this in the future.

    Zoe Fell, aged 7

    A is for the Antarctic, where it is very cold.
    N is for the nip a frost gives me.
    T is for the ice that thaws in summer.
    A is for the animals that live in the South Pole.
    R is for the roaring winter snow storms.
    C is for the crashing winter waves.
    T is for the Antarctic terns.
    I is for the icicles that hang on the trees.
    C is for a penguin crashing into the sea.

    (I’m so sorry.)

  11. Sarah says:

    A duck story from when I was 11:

    I was on a rowing boat with my brother who was 8. My brother wanted to swap ends, so I stood up only to be hit in the head by a duck and promptly fell overboard.

  12. Aislinn says:

    When you ask for things to show Alex Horne that could be ‘a picture you’ve done’, I am always going to (try to) draw a picture. Always.

    It’s got birds and everything. Dunno if it’ll be any good.

  13. Aislinn says:

    Also: I scoffed at Zoe’s work, but only because of the ‘C is for penguins’. I also laughed a lot. And I mean a lot.

  14. Margaretl says:

    Facts about Australia’s most iconic bird:
    Emus have two set of eye lids.They eat caterpillars and grasshoppers and swallow pebbles to help grind them up in their gizzards. If they see undigested seeds in their droppings they will peck them out and eats them again. Their eggs have thick shells and it’s possible to engrave pictures into blown eggs because the outer layer of shell is dark green, the next layer is a light blue and the inside layer is white.

  15. There are a number of funny little rhymes which have been stuck in my head since my childhood (we’re talking nearly 40 years here|!) No idea where they came from, maybe Edward Lear or somebody like that? Funny how silly little things from your childhood just last your whole life, but nice as well I think. Having said that, some of the words are probably wrong as my memory is sometimes a bit iffy. Anyway, enjoy ….

    Rhyme One

    I wish I was a little grub with hairs upon my tummy
    I’d climb into a honey pot and make my tummy gummy

    Rhyme Two

    The elephant is a funny bird
    It swings from bough to bough
    It makes its nest in a rhubarb tree
    And whistles like a cow

    Rhyme Three

    I made myself a snowman as perfect as could be
    I thought I’d keep it as a pet and let it sleep with me
    I made it some pyjamas and a pillow for its head
    Then last night it ran away …but first it wet the bed

  16. Misha says:

    In the spirit of, things i’ve done in stead of sleeping. Here are some ingenious things i have improvised.
    Flyer mended shoes
    Cat as hat/neck warmer
    Fairy lights as washing line
    Radiator as breasts

    And finally, before I take my drunken arse off to bed. The most upligting graffiti i’ve ever seen

  17. Helen says:

    Something to Imagine.

    Imagine a swan, right, but instead of being white, imagine, right, imagine that it is sort of brown and a bit greeny, you with me? Not like a field, more like an emerald, but not exactly the same as an emerald. Stop thinking about an emerald, concentrate..a green and browny swan. Ok. Now imagine the swan, but a bit smaller, smaller beak, smaller body, smaller feet. No not like an ant, like, well, just smaller in size. Okay, you got that? Right now imagine it has a really short neck, well, almost, almost as though it has no neck. Yeah hardly any neck. Okay think about that.


    Think about a duck.

  18. Tibbs says:

    I’m not sure if this is the kind of thing you can use, but here is a video of me feeding some chickadees in Shubenacadie Park:

    Also, fun fact: Ornithomancy and Augury were ancient practices of divining the future by studying birds (in Greece and Rome, respectively). In Greece, birds seen on one’s left side were considered omens of ill fortune. Although the left was actually favourable to the Romans, the Greek influence was great enough that the word sinister, meaning left in Latin, is today synonymous with evil.

  19. Hannah says:

    This is a picture my Dad drew whilst playing Pictionary. Bear in mind that he is the worst Pictionary player in the world. I’ve since kept this picture and I like to have guessing competitions with it.

  20. Madeleine says:

    This is a picture that my friend (Kate Mellifont) drew

    You could ask him whether he thinks it’s a lovely picture of love or whether looks like he’s about to leave her (as I think, though I suspect that may be me projecting)
    Kate refuses to tell me what the real story is.

    Also, I am deadly afraid of most birds. I don’t hate them with the same venom I reserve for motherfucking bees, but I’ll still walk a wiiiiiiide circle around them.
    My grandmother once owned a rooster that sat on and hatched eggs. Apparently that’s quite rare.

  21. amycool says:

    @Hannah – I thought it was Pig Train, to signify the comedy Big Train. :-)

  22. Cat says:

    Science dammit I wish I had gone on a blog reading rampage of yours earlier. You KNOW I dream of working with birds and have so many random facts in my head… alas I am too late. So many anecdotes and science facts and smart birds and dumb birds and bah

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