Today I’m recording Would I Lie To You? for the BBC, which among other things means that for some weeks I’ve had Charles and Eddy’s freak number one hit, from some time in the nineties, echoing around my head (as with Mr Motivator, I’m going to have to trust that some of you, at least, are old enough to remember what I’m talking about). In preparation for this bluffing exercise, I published a mixture of truth and lies about myself – a little like the internet itself, I suppose you could say – and invited you to sort the wheat from the crap, as the Bible says.
35 people indulged me by playing this silly little game, and congratulations go to the three – Marie, Catherine and CustardCreamDreams – who successfully deduced that quite simply, every one of the statements was a crock of shit:
‘I eat far too much salt on my food’ – no, quite the opposite. I never put salt on my food. Vinegar, now that’s a different story.
‘I’ve met not just Al Gore, but also Nelson Mandela’ – quite plausible, because quite a lot of people have met Mandela by queuing up at his book launches, or seeing him at a uni visit, or something. But not me. And I’d be struggling for something to say to him if I did. ‘Well done on your… life, Nelson,’ I suppose I would mumble. I’ve met Gore, and I never stop banging on about it.
‘I can’t swim, unfortunately’ - this is all too believable as I can’t drive, ride a bike, cook, or do most other things. But weirdly I CAN swim. Not elegantly, by any means. More like a dog swims. But it is swimming, nonetheless.
‘Never seen a Quentin Tarantino movie’ - of course I have. Not all of them though, and not Inglorious Basterds in particular. It will soon feature in a Very Late Review.
‘I can speak Russian’ – no I can’t, not a word. You’re thinking of Tim Key. I can speak French and German but Russian seems awfully hard, with those funny letters.
‘As a child I had whooping cough’ – nope. When I wrote this, I wasn’t even 100percent sure you could still get whooping cough. But apparently you can.
‘The flat I live in was once owned by John Betjeman’ – no, not as far as I’m aware. I imagine Betjeman didn’t live in London but out in the country somewhere, and cycled past a church on his way to the shops.
‘My parents know Hugh Laurie slightly’ – no they don’t, not even slightly. They don’t know any famous people. My wife fancies Hugh Laurie and he is her ’person you can sleep with if the chance comes up’ clause which you get in relationships. I don’t know what the name for that clause is but you know what I’m talking about.
‘I’ve been to Japan but didn’t like it’ – no, I haven’t, sadly. I HAVE been to China (for work). And I did like it, but it was a bit exhausting and Emily got ill. I’ve got every intention of going to Japan one day.
‘I am dyslexic’ - nope. That would be tough for someone like me. Spelling is one of my only strong suits.
Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? We now come to a play-off between the three winners (if, indeed, all three are still reading this blog). Here are five further statements. Whoever gets the most right from the three Sherlocks still standing is the overall winner. (Other people, of course, are welcome to join in.) And this time, it won’t be as simple as ‘all true’ or ‘all false’. Except THAT could be a lie. Ooooh. It’s a tricky old game!
-I’ve never seen a complete episode of Sex And The City…
-I once spoke to Jennifer Lopez (‘J-Lo’) at an aftershow party.
-I have dislocated my shoulder in the past.
-During my youth I came fourth in the National Computer Football Championships.
So, here we go again. Play!! (I’ve got some more serious subjects lined up for later in the week, in case you fear this blog has degenerated into a series of half-arsed games, like the latter stages of a party.)