By the time you read this I will have appeared on Marco Pierre White’s show Kitchen Burnout, cooking appallingly badly, getting too hot, fumbling pots and pans like someone who has never been in a kitchen before, and essentially appearing to be a likeable dickhead. None of this is pessimism – it’s already occurred. In my defence, I did go on the show with the aim of improving my culinary skills, and they did improve. They were just rather poor to begin with.
Anyway. It gives me the chance to do the second in my series where I talk about what a famous person I’ve recently met is ‘really like’. I began this series – the name of which I already can’t remember – last week with Paxman. Now it’s the turn of celebrity chef Marco Pierre White. I accept that if you don’t know who he is, this will not be the greatest blog ever. But I guess you could then watch the show on iPlayer and it would be a bit like having a director’s commentary.
So. White facts:
-Ladies’ man. Has the look in his eyes of someone who has had sex with loads and loads of women. Some of them in kitchens, in moments of wild passion after making a really good crab pate or something. Now ageing, but still has a certain magnetism.
-Has a great big dog.
-Always holding knives, lovingly, just as he does on TV. Almost not capable of not having a massive chopping knife in his hand.
-Talks very slowly and is fond of saying everything as if it is a truth for all the ages, e.g. (with intense stare) ‘Don’t forget one thing. People. Are. In. A. Restaurant. To. Eat.’
-Genuinely pleasant to people who can’t cook, like me. Never loses his temper when cooking – prides himself on this point. ‘Losing your cool is something lazy or under-achieving people do,’ he said. All these points are very much in his favour.
-Not one of these people who wank endlessly on about food. Surprisingly unpretentious in that regard. Quite happy just having a Waitrose sandwich for lunch, or tearing off a bit of beef that’s cooking in a pan and saying ‘try that. It’s lovely.’
-Is constantly plunging his hands into boiling hot pans to inspect food. I have never seen hands so insensitive to appalling pain.
-Tall. Like Paxman.
Sorry this is so brief, but it may embellish your enjoyment of the show.
These are slightly lean times for readers of my blog, I realise. But hey, stick with me. We’ve had some exciting times. And then there are bits like this where I’m just so busy I could almost cry, and the blog is more just a few facts about a chef. So it’s ups and downs. But I’ll be back. We’re doing this for ten years remember.